To want my husband at our baby scan?!!

[MrsBonnie]

I have our first scan on Monday and have to go it alone... I'm so worked up worrying about getting bad news and having to hear it on my own.

You can do SO many things with other people, yet I can't go into a baby scan, both wearing masks, with my husband?!!

Am I being unreasonable to whinge about this?

@mincepiesalready

I know vinyl I was agreeing with you!

Sorry. I’ve got so used to people wilfully claiming to misunderstand me on this thread, I clearly didn’t read your comment properly. Please forgive me.

Yawn. The NHS is under immense pressure as it is so you choose to have a baby in the middle of this massive crisis to add to it then whinge when this has been the policy for many months.

It's shit, I had to go alone three times. Including to be told I was about to have a miscarriage. I wanted my husband, but I got through it.
It isn't a nice situation but there is nothing we can do right now

People keep saying how we’re “in the middle of a pandemic”

So are we all supposed to put having a baby on hold until the end of the pandemic?

When will that be?

Powerchewings - do you think women should have abortions then until the pandemic is over, say, in 5 years?

I wouldn’t have put having a baby on hold. But there are some things that haven’t been the same as pee Covid. That’s just how it is. If that bothers someone to the point they’d put their health and their unborn child’s at risk it probably is best to wait until things have subsided a bit.

My husband wasn’t allowed at my scans when I had a recent miscarriage. I’m pregnant again and he’s not allowed to attend this time either. It’s a bit shit but to be honest it would have still been shit with him there. The waiting rooms are quite full with just women there and I understand why the rule is there. We have paid for a private one this time so that he can attend.

When I attended for one of the miscarriage scans the nurse was saying they had women who were end of life on the ward who couldn’t have visitors. Lots of suffering going on at the moment.

You're not being unreasonable to want it, but YABU if you are annoyed about it or can't see why your husband shouldn't be there. Why should the NHS worker doing the scan double their risk of exposure? Or any of the other people in the waiting room? It's not a right to have your husband there - the priority is the scan to check that your baby is ok. If you want him to be there, then pay for a private one.

YANBU to whinge. But we are in a pandemic and it’s important to keep hospital staff as safe as possible.
I had a missed miscarriage discovered at a scan I went to alone (abroad so there are lots of scans and DH didn’t come to every one). It was awful but it didn’t make any difference that he wasn’t there. My doctor was kind and DH came straight to meet me afterwards.
I hope your scan goes well, please try not to make this an extra worry.

So the OP never came back?

FWIW I know someone who gave birth in May (EMCS) and she was alone from a few hours after baby was born until she went home on day 4.

Someone else I know was induced in July, she has to spend early part alone, her partner joined her for active labour and then left as soon as mother and baby were transferred to a ward.

It is absolutely barbaric BUT like everything we are all in the same boat.

"like everything we are all in the same boat."

Actually we're not. Different trusts have different rules. And some are not always applying their own rules strictly so then it depends not just which hospital you're at but whether your midwife/other relaxes the rules for you or not.

NBU to want him there.

NBU to not like the rules.

BU to expect it to be changed to a way they have identified is a risk to both staff and vulnerable women.

After all, maybe your husband is clear of Covid - but that wouldn't mean a husband five days ago wasn't - and if you were to contract it from the scan because the person performing it was asymptomatic up until that evening, it could be at the least worrying for you, at worst - well, the worst.

Pay for a private scan. They're relatively cheap and they will allow one person with you. My scan was £45 and £80 when I wanted 4D images and sexing.

Whilst it royally winds me up that this is even a thing (partners not being able to attend scans during COVID) I have to say whilst I was pregnant I had bleeding etc and had to have significantly more scans than normal during my pregnancy. My partner didn't come to most of them as he was in work and a lot were last minute things. I didn't get stressed about it, it's life isn't it. I'm strong enough to deal with situations on my own and can get support afterwards if anything bad happened.

So are we all supposed to put having a baby on hold until the end of the pandemic?
If you're going to be hugely upset by the Covid rules, then yes.

*It is absolutely barbaric BUT like everything we are all in the same boat"
Barbaric? Has it savagely cruel? What do you then call it when it affects patients who die in massive pain with no family around them?

Not having your partner at the scan can be upsetting, but can we keep some perspective on this because it's quite insulting toward those whose experience was much more traumatic.

I fully appreciate the benefit of having someone attend maternity related appointments with you. But what I don’t agree with is that maternity should be given special consideration under the circumstances, or that not giving special privileges to pregnant women at this time is sexist in some way. Because the same rules apply to all hospital patients, women aren’t being singled out in this.

I know someone sectioned right now with no way of speaking to their family, no access to any devices for video calls or anything. Might not see them for months. Before all this, he’d have had visitors regularly and would have been making improvements. This kind of environment could be the death of him honestly.

Plenty of other people are facing scary appointments alone. Stuck on a ward, suffering, and no visitors. We’re in the same boat together.

Everyone needs to stop with the 'don't you know there's a pandemic' spiel, because it's wearing thin. Life is still going on! Maternity care has been shamefully bad and needs addressing. It's an exciting yet frightening time and feeling like your needs are being met sufficiently shouldn't have to be compromised. Yes women have been having babies since the dawn of time, and they didn't get proper care, and they died in childbirth or had a higher rate of infant mortality/still birth. The protocol we are supposed to have in place today is to keep our pregnant women and unborn babies safe and healthy.

Regardless of who is and isn't allowed at the scans, if masks were at all useful there wouldn't be any question if it being a problem having your partner there. But what is hugely concerning is how little face to face ante-natal care there is. Phone appointments are no use for checking blood pressure or urine samples.

Women's health during pregnancy is being out at risk. THAT is the bottom line. Whether it be physical health or mental health. It IS being sidelined.

Women's health during pregnancy is being out at risk. THAT is the bottom line. Whether it be physical health or mental health. It IS being sidelined

Let’s fix that for you - everyone’s healthcare is being sidelined. Cancer and cardiac referrals are a fraction of normal rates, people are dying on hospital wards and in hospice rooms unable to see their families. Yes, it’s shit for pregnant women but no more shit than it is for everyone else with health issues.

Yanbu. Found out I was pregnant in January. Dh couldn’t come to a single scan. Couldn’t come when I was admitted at 30w with reduced movements. Couldn’t come with me to a single MW apt. Couldn’t be present during my induction. Only stayed for pushing and 90 mins after.
Couldn’t visit me on the postnatal ward where we stayed due to my heammorage, nor could he visit when I was re admitted at 12 days pp with sepsis

I had bad news on my 12 week scan with my first child and although getting it on my own would have been bad, I think having to repeat it all to dh and dh not being able to talk to the Dr's and midwives directly would have been really difficult.

Personally, I think for the 12 week, partner should be allowed to wait outside, if its bad news, then the doctors should call them in before going through it all. After all an ill or disabled child has an effect on the fathers life too.

@Jojobar

Unless you have some reason to be concerned about the pregnancy, I mean this kindly but it's not that big a deal if you have to go on your own. It's nearly 20 years since I had my DC admittedly, but back then (unless there were concerns) father's weren't at scans as a matter of course, I know my then partner didn't come to mine because he couldn't afford the time off. That's how it was. Some women had a partner or parent with them, others were on their own. We just got on with it because it didn't occur to us that we needed someone there.

In the current climate I think there are worse things happening than women having to attend what is in most cases a completely routine scan alone.

This is bullshit, quite frankly.

I have lost more than one baby and had bad news at 9 weeks, 12 weeks and a much later loss.

The impact on my mental health was massive and to have not had DH in the room with me would have been catastrophic.

No one has a fucking crystal ball.

OP - I am sending you much love and and pray with all my heart it goes well for you.

I do not think it is about lack of empathy - it is a shame the OP feels sad about it. But it is about trying to provide a bit of perspective, so that hopefully it will not loom so large in her thinking.

It is a pain; but it is not a major pain. It is just how life is. As in my previous post - my OH came to no scans for my babies - he was working as a hospital doctor and time off just didn't happen for such things.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to be upset by this - but there have been a couple of very succinct explanations on this thread as to why these rules are in place in some locations and not others - space/ventilation etc.

I had seven MC before I managed to have our DD. I'd have struggled terribly at scans on my own, so my sympathies are very, very much with those who wish they had their partner there and can't. But I do also think if your trust haven't opened it up, there's a reason.

@serialreturner why is it bullshit? I am sorry for your losses, and in this situation (given those previous losses) you would be concerned about attending a scan alone, understandably. I did say in my post which you quoted that UNLESS there was reason for concern going to a scan alone isn't a big deal.

And I stand by that. I went to all my scans alone, in fact I gave birth twice without anyone I knew present. And I was fine with that.

Women aren't being asked to give birth alone. It's just a scan. It's not inhumane. It's nice to have a partner there especially if it's bad news, but it's not barbaric to have them waiting in the car park instead. Those with terminal illnesses not receiving proper treatment, people dying alone in hospital, elderly people in care homes with dementia not seeing their loved ones (and not understanding why not), all that is a lot worse.

Vinyl, would you bore off? This is a thread about pregnancy. Not about any other medical condition. If OP wanted a discussion about cancer treatment, she would have started a thread on it.

As it's been said, let's not get into a race to the bottom. Yes, it's awful that other treatments are being affected, but we aren't discussing that. This comes up during every single pregnancy related discussion and it bloody grinds my gears.

You aren't allowed to be upset about anything these days unless you're on death's door, apparently. Well, as you're so determined to continue the race to the bottom mentality, at least cancer treatment is accessible here. We aren't in America where people can't afford treatment. No, actually, it's worse in developing countries where they can't even get to a hospital, nevermind pay for treatment. So no one can complain, can they? And as for anyone being made redundant at the minute, they can't complain, can they? Because there's still a benefit system to support them. It doesn't matter that they might lose their home, does it? Because being put up in a B&B is better than nothing.

Let people have a fucking opinion and be upset if they want to be. Stop trying to be a gate keeper of who can be upset. It's pathetic.