Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral- uninvited but have to pay

239 replies

jenjen99 · 20/10/2020 00:55

Hi All,
My husband died last month. We were separated, not divorced, and on good terms. Due to Covid it was a maximum of 15 guests. His father said I was not invited, 'it's family only'. Obviously doesn't understand definition of 'wife'. I didn't want to argue as it's a difficult time anyway and i can find my own way to say goodbye. However, as I'm the sole beneficiary of his estate I've just learnt that I'm liable for funeral costs, despite having no say in arrangements and not being invited. Does anyone know if this is legally correct?

TIA

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 20/10/2020 09:02

He told the coroner we were divorced*

Well, put the coroner straight on that for starters. And seek advice on where you stand legally.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm also sorry you have such a vile man as a (sort of) FIL.

Cadent · 20/10/2020 09:04

@ivykaty44 but she is still his wife, the undertakers will take that into account (although OP has decided not to go)

Rachie1973 · 20/10/2020 09:04

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@PaleBlueMoonlight I'd like you to link to something legal where it says you can go against the wishes of someone in their Will, where they appoint you as their executor.

This is usually agreed obviously before they die.

Many people use a solicitor to avoid any upset.[/quote]
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/dealing-with-the-financial-affairs-of-someone-who-has-died/#h-if-you-are-an-executor-and-you-do-not-wish-to-act

ivykaty44 · 20/10/2020 09:06

Cadent

The undertakers are being organised by the FIL, the same man who told the coroner the couple were divorced

Cadent · 20/10/2020 09:17

@ivykaty44 But he has lied. The undertakers will have seen this happen before and will have policy.

iluvgab · 20/10/2020 09:21

You are not liable for the costs in the way you mean. Who told you this? The FIL? Cheeky fucker

The costs of the funeral have to be paid out of the estate. Once this is done, any debts have to be paid off. The rest of the estate goes to you as sole beneficiary.
If the costs of the funeral exceed the amount in the estate then the person who has booked the funeral and signed the contract with the funeral director is liable for the rest of it.
Otherwise you could have random relatives booking very expensive funerals and then forcing beneficiaries to pay for anything not covered by the money in the estate.

Speak to the solicitor who is dealing with the estate.
You need more information here.

ivykaty44 · 20/10/2020 09:22

The undertakers have a contract with the man paying the bill, organising the funeral and if an ex wife turns up they will have protocol to remove her I guess and with only 15 people allowed it’s not as if they can just let her sit at the back

Belladonna12 · 20/10/2020 09:25

Who said that you would be liable for the costs? If the father has signed the contracts then he will have to pay upfront. I don't know whether he could take you to court to get money from the estate but considering he lied about the fact you are divorced he is probably not going to want to get into that.

CrappleUmble · 20/10/2020 09:30

I can't believe anyone would think the law does or should oblige a person named as executor in a will to accept that office. Anyone can make a will by themselves, naming anyone as an executor. There's absolutely no guarantee the person would have consented if asked and even if they did, that doesn't mean they're still in a position to do it perhaps decades later. As if you can bind people to do things after your death!

diddl · 20/10/2020 09:31

"The costs of the funeral have to be paid out of the estate."

Surely the person who has organised could pay if they want to?

Also, if one of a couple dies where everything was joint, there's not an estate as such, is there?

But generally the bill is submitted to the estate isn't it?

Belladonna12 · 20/10/2020 09:32

Speak to the solicitor who is dealing with the estate.
You need more information here.

If it's a very small amount of money, there probably isn't a solicitor dealing with the estate. It will be OP's job to pay any debts off.

Cadent · 20/10/2020 09:32

@ivykaty44 but she is not an ex-wife, they were still legally married.

VanGoghsDog · 20/10/2020 09:34

@Overtherainbow2020

I think whoever has the contract with the funeral directors is liable. If you haven’t been involved in any of the arrangements, and haven’t signed anything to take responsibility financially, then I don’t see how his family can make you pay. Who the beneficiary is does not come with a legal obligation to cover funeral costs. And I’m sorry you are going through this, it must be incredibly difficult. X
This.

You didn't make the contracts, you are not liable.

Usually the estate pays but where it can't the next of kin, or whoever takes on the funeral arrangements has to make the financial contributions.

Obviously his estate should be used first. So if that doesn't cover the cost then there is no inheritance for you. His family have to pay the balance.

But they really should have thought of all this and got it straight before making any arrangements. You personally don't have to pay though.

Brainwave89 · 20/10/2020 09:36

This is getting messsy to say the least. `if your father in law has paid for flowers and the funeral I am afraid the contracts are with him. You do not have a liability to settle them. Much better though to discuss and agree what happens.

VanGoghsDog · 20/10/2020 09:37

But generally the bill is submitted to the estate isn't it?

No. How can you submit a bill to an estate anyway? It's submitted to whoever ordered the services.

My dad died, the bill came to my mum, in her name. The funeral director didn't ask even if she was the executor. Often the nok will arrange the funeral but not necessarily be the executor.

Boonlark · 20/10/2020 09:39

Op, as you're still married you're the legal next of kin. This means that you are the ones the funeral directors listen to, not your FIL. The funeral directors will be used to this and the policy is to only do what the next of kin wants. Your FIL is committing fraud as he's spending money from the estate, knowing that he's not the next of kin.

notapizzaeater · 20/10/2020 09:41

You are still married so can claim the bereavement payment, this could go towards the funeral. Are you sure he had no pensions ? Death in service ?

Belladonna12 · 20/10/2020 09:43

People keep mentioning Wills and solicitors and executors but if it there is only a small amount of money there may be none of that. OP can probably go to the bank and get the money (depending on the bank). The father in law has signed the contracts for the funeral so will be liable for the funeral bill. Maybe he could attempt to sue her for money from the estate but seems unlikely he would want to do that considering he lied to the funeral directors in order to exclude OP from the funeral.

VanGoghsDog · 20/10/2020 09:44

@MingeofDeath

Slight derail. If someone if in hospital the NOK has to be named where possible, this can be anyone, NDN for example. Do not assume that because someone is a spouse or relative they are automatically considered NOK. Another example, someone can have more than 1 child, only one of them can be named NOK.
Yeah, nok isn't a legal thing, it's entirely made up to suit the circumstances.

And of course noone has to act as executor if they don't want to. You can't be forced to do it. So you just step down and the court has to appoint someone.

Don't just let someone else do it without formally stepping down as you may still be liable and the liabilities can be onerous.

VanGoghsDog · 20/10/2020 09:46

@jenjen99

I had no say because his Father arranged everything. He told me the date and told me I wasn't invited. He told the coroner we were divorced
How do you know he told the coroner this? How would of even have come up?

Is there a will?

DTIsOnlyForNow · 20/10/2020 09:48

There is a restriction of numbers on funerals and weddingsThe undertakers and cremation staff will and can stop people attending funerals

They won't stop the wife of the deceased attending Hmm

Coronawireless · 20/10/2020 09:49

I can understand the FIL excluding her from the funeral if there are 15 others her ex was close to who want to go. Which one of them
should be left out?

VanGoghsDog · 20/10/2020 09:49

@Anordinarymum

OP Did you know your husband was going to die? If a loved one dies and you are the next of kin the coroner contacts you.
Well, that's not true.

How do you think the coroner would know who was nok, how would they have that person's contact details?

Usually the nok call the coroner, not the other way around!

VinylDetective · 20/10/2020 09:50

@JinglingHellsBells

no I am not acting as executor of the estate.

The executor is named in a will. You can't say you don't want to do it if you are the named person.

You can actually. The probate forms contain a section specifically for this eventuality.
VanGoghsDog · 20/10/2020 09:50

@DTIsOnlyForNow

There is a restriction of numbers on funerals and weddingsThe undertakers and cremation staff will and can stop people attending funerals

They won't stop the wife of the deceased attending Hmm

Well, they will if she's the 16th person to turn up!
Swipe left for the next trending thread