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Original poster

Funeral- uninvited but have to pay

239 replies

jenjen99 · 20/10/2020 00:55

Hi All,
My husband died last month. We were separated, not divorced, and on good terms. Due to Covid it was a maximum of 15 guests. His father said I was not invited, 'it's family only'. Obviously doesn't understand definition of 'wife'. I didn't want to argue as it's a difficult time anyway and i can find my own way to say goodbye. However, as I'm the sole beneficiary of his estate I've just learnt that I'm liable for funeral costs, despite having no say in arrangements and not being invited. Does anyone know if this is legally correct?

TIA

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 20/10/2020 02:14

@Sparticuscaticus

Sorry Even in their 3 you're allowed 30 at funeral not 15 , in England
30 is a maximum, not all funerals will take place in buildings which can safely accommodate that number with physical distancing in place.

The OP hasn’t said where she is, but i know that my local crematorium in Scotland can only accommodate 12 mourners, and usually it’s 15 at a cemetery.

OP, I’m sorry for your loss. This is such a horrible time to lose anyone.

notangelinajolie · 20/10/2020 02:21

You aren't liable for the costs - your husband's estate is. Presuming you are next if kin - speak to your late husband's bank. Banks will pay funeral costs directly from the deceased bank account to the funeral director. You will just need to give them a copy of the bill.

custardbear · 20/10/2020 02:24

Who is the executor? Younshould perhaps speak to them

seayork2020 · 20/10/2020 02:29

You are not personally having to pay the estate is

AzraiL · 20/10/2020 02:44

If you were legally the next of kin everything would have gone through you, no matter what your father in law said. The coroner has a process they need to follow, they can't just go by word of mouth. Whoever is next of kin on the paperwork is the person they contact.

Rubyupbeat · 20/10/2020 02:53

The father committed a crime by lying to the coroner.
You are next of kin, you decide who goes.
You make the arrangements.
But...I understand how sensitive the situation is, and hope it all sorts itself out.

mummmy2017 · 20/10/2020 02:58

Actually anyone can order the a death cert and plan a funeral.
I know because we had to when the next of kin wasn't interested in sorting anything.

cabbageking · 20/10/2020 03:07

You can arrange for the funeral provider to be paid directly from the bank if there are funds in the bank. They present it directly to the bank but it will only cover a basic funeral which may be all that is on offer. We had one in May and there was one set offer only. If someone has taken it upon themselves to deliberately exclude you I would only be reimbursing the basis package only.
It depends on what the will says. The wake and flowers are not included as a funeral cost.

JingsMahBucket · 20/10/2020 03:42

@jenjen99 your FIL is so sketchy and I wouldn’t hesitate to challenge him about this. Do not feel guilty or mouselike about this situation. He’s possibly making trouble and has lied to the coroner in order to block you out. You need to clear this up with the government and the life insurance/benefits company along with the executor.

HelloBolloxMyOldFriend · 20/10/2020 04:04

Shame you're having to deal with the FIL. I'm not sure how it works as NOK and costs of the funeral but if you're paying, let FIL know you're going. Or you won't actually be paying for anything at all. The choice is his.

Figgyboa · 20/10/2020 04:07

OP, I was in the same position. Separated not divorced when OH suddenly passed away. Was invited to the funeral but not involved in any planning, only got a passing line in his eulogy. I was sole beneficiary, FIL paid for the funeral, he viewed it as his responsibility. Im sorry for your lost Flowers

bp300 · 20/10/2020 04:22

I don't know the legalities of this but surely they can't charge the OP for a funeral she hasn't booked or wasn't allowed to attend. Is there a maximum amount that can be claimed from the estate? What would happen if they decided to travel in Rolls Royces etc would she still have to pay? This doesn't sound fair at all.

Florencex · 20/10/2020 04:29

I am currently dealing with two estates as executor. The funeral should be paid by the estate. If there is not enough money in the estate then whoever arranges the funeral is liable for the costs. The executor is responsible for funeral arrangements, if the executor is not family then they may leave it to the family to arrange.

Had your husband written a will leaving you out and naming somebody else as executor? If he had no will or an old will where you were executor then his family had no right to bar you from the funeral. It is you that should have dealt with the arrangements and decided who should attend.

It sounds like it is too late to exert your position regarding the funeral now, but if there is not enough money in the estate and you are handed the bill, don’t pay it. You are not liable.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 20/10/2020 05:01

If you were legally the next of kin everything would have gone through you

If you're in England or Wales (not sure about Scotland) there is no such thing as "Next of Kin" in law.

OP I'm really sorry you're going through this. As others have said, the funeral costs come out of the deceased persons estate. If that is not enough to cover the cost, then whoever arranges the funeral has to sort that out with the funeral director. So please dont worry that you will be liable to pay money on top of everything else.

If the funeral.hasnt yet happened, then you could ring the funeral director and explain the situation. However, this will inflame the situation with your husbands family so only you can decide whether it's worth it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/10/2020 05:30

The estate pays for the funeral. Is there a will? Who is the executor of the will? They should be managing this. If no will, you need to manage this and get it through probate.

Enoughnowstop · 20/10/2020 05:34

If you didn’t arrange the funeral, you won’t be held liable for the costs. That will be for whoever arranged it. I agree the estate will need to pick up the cost as much as it is able but you haven’t entered into a contract with anyone to pay for anything.

I understand it is difficult but I think you need to be firm with your husband’s family. The cost of this is not your problem.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 20/10/2020 05:42

As youre ok with not going to the funeral and saying goodbye in your own way just don't get involved.

Assume that you won't see anything from the estate, which should be fine under the circumstances, but don't pay any funeral bills over and above what the estate covers. If you receive any contact the sender by letter to explain that they have been sent to you in error and should go to whoever arranged the funeral.

AllosaurusMum · 20/10/2020 05:51

I can’t imagine causing a grieving parent trouble over a technicality that you’re not divorced yet.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 20/10/2020 06:03

AllosaurusMum would you pay potentially thousands of pounds in bills for a funeral you're not allowed to attend or have any control over the cost of? Given the estate won't cover a funeral.

That's the crux of it really - either the OP is treated as the wife (seperated but not divorced), arranges the funeral and pays the bills, or she's the ex (divorced) and not involved nor liable for costs.

She isn't the ex wife when it comes to arrangements and attending but the wife when it comes to paying for something she hasn't had any way of keeping tabs on the cost of.

NiceandCalm · 20/10/2020 06:05

I think, from reading the below article, that as they have claimed next of kin status and arranged the funeral, they will be liable. I can't see how the funeral directors will chase you for the costs. If you are OK with not attending then I'd not rock the boat.

www.funeralguide.co.uk/help-resources/when-someone-dies/next-of-kin-all-you-need-to-know

Caroncanta · 20/10/2020 06:13

You're not liable for the bill, the estate is. Although I appreciate that ultimately ends up being you as it will impact your inheritance. I can't see that you would be liable for anything over and above the cost of that though, but I would contact the funeral director and point out that fil has lied and that you personally are not liable for any costs of what he has booked.

Strictly1 · 20/10/2020 06:20

Many seem to be forgetting a father has lost his son and hanging on the technicality that they hadn't divorced. If my son had died and was no longer with his wife and we don't know for how long etc I would take the lead - he's my son. The estate pays for the funeral before anyone inherits so no, you are not paying, the estate is.

clickshaper · 20/10/2020 06:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 20/10/2020 06:27

Strictly1 she's said that the estate is tiny and won't cover a funeral. The question she's asking is whether she has to pay bills above and beyond that despite the fact she is not allowed to arrange the funeral and therefore has no way of keeping the costs under control if she's footing the bill when the estate won't cover it).

emilybrontescorsett · 20/10/2020 06:30

I agree with others. The estate will pay for the funeral and if there isn't enough money then who ever arranged the funeral will pay. However whoever registered the death has told lies if you are not named in the death certificate. You are his wife and as such should be in there. This needs reporting to the registrars.