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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband expects me to be glued to his children and it's driving me insane

309 replies

YatEe · 17/10/2020 22:19

Nothing I do is fucking good enough.

He's accused me tonight of having an issue with the children and avoiding them because I caught up with a programme in another room whilst they were happily settled in the living room with headphones on, playing games this morning.

The funniest part about this is.... HE WAS OUT. I was looking after them so he could go out and do something.

Apparently I should have watched my programme on my tablet in the same room so we were 'spending time together' (whilst he was out...not spending time with us) Hmm

I've told him how rich that is considering he wasn't even here himself and that I don't see what the problem is.

I was in and out of the room, tidying up, asking if they needed anything, what were they watching etc...

They aren't tiny children for goodness sake (9 & 11), surely it's not a big deal that we spent an hour in separate rooms for the morning.

I'm so pissed off. Apparently I used to make more effort with things like painting with them, baking etc... I agree we did used to do more stuff, but that was when they were much smaller, they just aren't as interested in those things anymore. All they want to do is play games and he lets them. But I'm apparently supposed to make more effort?

He does this all the time. If I want to go somewhere on a contact day it's 'dont you want to see the children' etc... I feel fucking suffocated by it.

OP posts:
Howlooseisyourgoose · 18/10/2020 20:53

Sounds like he wants to make you default parent.

Take this as a red fish for having children with him.

mathanxiety · 18/10/2020 21:19

YYY to all who suspect he is playing a cruel game of 'keep away' with the mother, his exW, and that the appeal of 50-50 is that he doesn't have to pay child support or do any of the actual work of parenting because he has a handy live in babysitter to do that for him.

I would suspect that he calculated that the cost to him - measured in terms of money or time or involvement in the children's lives - would be zero, and the payoff in terms of hurting his exW would be huge, with the children playing the role of collateral damage.

Arthersleep · 18/10/2020 22:02

Glitter OP. And Icing sugar. You bribe the kids to do some craft work and baking with their Dad, because he feels like he is really missing out on his quality time with them. Get it all set up on the kitchen table and then feck off out and leave them to it!!! Honestly, has he ever actually entertained them himself and sat doing arts and crafts with them when they were younger? I would also introduce a screen free day on the weekend, and hand him a pack of playing cards! Honestly, he sounds such a moron!!

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/10/2020 08:04

Just another man for whom a woman isn't a beloved life partner but a live in housekeeper and nanny for kids who aren't even hers. And he's still her manager with a right to criticise her when he decides its time for a performance review.

How do so many women get suckered into this?

purplerainpitcher · 19/10/2020 17:29

If I was constantly hovering over my 11 year old in the same room as her while she was playing video games reading a book etc she would get so fed up soon enough and probably go hide in her room.

elephantontheroofeatingcake · 19/10/2020 17:30

Sounds like his guilt talking...what a cheek

amispeakingenglish · 19/10/2020 17:36

Maybe this has something to do with why he is not still with their mum, Run Run Run

EerieSilence · 19/10/2020 17:36

@YatEe so he married you to have a cheap nanny he could give out without a risk that she would quit on the spot while he is doing fuck all.
Does he have redeeming qualities, like being the selfless god of sex, a billionaire who showers you with presents, gold, yachts and limitless money accounts? From what you are saying, good character is not his forte so I am not going into that area.

DidoAeneas · 19/10/2020 17:43

Wow! Just wow! I’m not surprised you are seething. Sorry but what an arse. Says a hell of a lot about the way he views women. I agree with one of the others - don’t have kids with him! Controlling, double standards, sexist! If you want to stay in it, start setting boundaries. I grew up in a step family and biological parent would never have dreamed of treating step parent that way. In addition it’s perfectly normal to leave a 9 & 11 year old happily playing!!!

LollyBeebee123 · 19/10/2020 17:43

Who does he think he is? Your boss? Tell him to look after his own children, suggest he tries to get them to paint or bake. Then you go out and do what you bloody well want. He’s reflecting his own guilt on to you. 🤬

helpIhateclothesshopping · 19/10/2020 17:45

Sounds like it is clear that the kids' mother didn't want to stand for that kind of nonsense either, hence them not being together anymore. I bet the kids loved not having anyone breathing down their necks and pestering them for an hour. I wouldn't stand for that nonsense either.

MarvellousMonsters · 19/10/2020 17:45

Gosh, I wonder why his first marriage ended.....? Hmm

He sounds a lot like my ex, expects childcare to be ‘wimmins resposibility’

anonimum · 19/10/2020 17:45

Hi, you ANBU, however, you are so clearly massively upset by this that I would think this problem is the tip of a very big iceberg... please try to spare the children, its not their fault. As adults you and your partner need to agree what seems fair and reasonable in your relationship, 'fraid it sounds like you're on the ropes at the moment. Good luck, it's not easy...

GingerWit · 19/10/2020 17:47

It sounds like to me he's feeling some deep guilt. He's not establishing a proper bond with his children and possibly feeling like a failure, and this is being shown by taking it out on you instead.

You should all spend time as a unit. At the end of the day, tell him if you're not good enough then he's free to enact his obligatory parenting of them instead.

Go buy a massive bag of arts and crafts, hand them to him and say, "I know how you feel about your children not getting enrichment time, so here you go...knock yourself out" then walk out on him.

ERFGLA · 19/10/2020 17:54

Tell him to use that tablet to go “please himself” as you’ll not be.....

Pekeygirl75 · 19/10/2020 17:55

Wow! He sounds selfish and controlling. No wonder you’re fed up!

Harls1969 · 19/10/2020 17:56

Sounds like he's passing his guilty conscience on to you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He sounds a delight. I'm sure at their age they probably don't want step-mum with them all the time and I assume that if they felt lonely or left out, they'd have come to find you? Good luck OP, sounds like you need it

Sarahsah4r4 · 19/10/2020 17:58

OP has left the building some time back methinks.....

Darkrainbowsquid · 19/10/2020 17:59

It’s fine to watch something in another room, our dc watch their cartoons and YouTube programmes in the front room whilst DH and I watch other stuff in the other room a lot of the time. Tell him to get over himself

Captainmarvel0160 · 19/10/2020 17:59

I'm sorry but why?????

A friend of mine found herself in the exact position... He is now her ex!!!

This liberty that the new partner picks up where his ex leaves off is just so out of order. They are, of course, primarily his responsibility so therefore he should be dam well present.

Just a suggestion... For the next few weeks make your own plans and leave him at home to LOOK after his own kids!!! If nothing changes then I feel it may be time for a serious chat.

Poppyapplebobber · 19/10/2020 18:04

I cant sit in the room with my own children watching bloody fortnite and youtube gamers never mind donit with someone elses. The minute i here so guys here i am in this part of the game too loud they are forced to turn it off or wear headphones. Just stop doing all the things you are doing and then he should notice how much you normally do do, thats what i do when i start to feel taken for granted

tommyhoundmum · 19/10/2020 18:07

YNBU

He is immature and needs calling out.

AndNowItsHappeningInMine · 19/10/2020 18:12

He's got a brass neck! If he thinks his kids' lives need enriching with baking and arts and crafts, tell him to get on with it.
I'd be fucking LIVID. Even if they WERE my kids.

Shona52 · 19/10/2020 18:17

YANBU. If my husband said this over our kids I would be very angry let alone when they are not yours. My question is how much does he do with the children. Ie play with them. And why is he doing something that takes him away on a contact day does he not want to spend time with his children. (Unless it was a work thing or something that had to be done) he has no grounds to say anything.

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/10/2020 18:22

I would still like to know where he he was...I'm guessing the pub seeing as OP avoided the question several times.