My husband expects me to be glued to his children and it's driving me insane

[YatEe]

Nothing I do is fucking good enough.

He's accused me tonight of having an issue with the children and avoiding them because I caught up with a programme in another room whilst they were happily settled in the living room with headphones on, playing games this morning.

The funniest part about this is.... HE WAS OUT. I was looking after them so he could go out and do something.

Apparently I should have watched my programme on my tablet in the same room so we were 'spending time together' (whilst he was out...not spending time with us)

I've told him how rich that is considering he wasn't even here himself and that I don't see what the problem is.

I was in and out of the room, tidying up, asking if they needed anything, what were they watching etc...

They aren't tiny children for goodness sake (9 & 11), surely it's not a big deal that we spent an hour in separate rooms for the morning.

I'm so pissed off. Apparently I used to make more effort with things like painting with them, baking etc... I agree we did used to do more stuff, but that was when they were much smaller, they just aren't as interested in those things anymore. All they want to do is play games and he lets them. But I'm apparently supposed to make more effort?

He does this all the time. If I want to go somewhere on a contact day it's 'dont you want to see the children' etc... I feel fucking suffocated by it.

Was he having an off day or is he always this controlling? Something is very wrong with him if he thinks he can order you about/belittle you.

Sounds to me like he doesn't know what to do with them and he's struggling to uphold a meaningful relationship with them and so he's transferring his guilt about that onto you instead of admitting he's got a problem.

Sounds like ‘gaslighting’ to me

What was he doing that was so important to spend time away from them? Unless he was working then he may just have been resentful that he was working whilst everyone else was relaxing on a Saturday?
I think it’s rude as hell. My kids have screen time and when there is screen time you can’t get a conversation out of them so may as well please yourself.

Wow. It sounds like he feels guilty for not wanting to spend every second entertaining them and is taking his own guilt out on you. Of course they are fine to play by themselves, and if he lets them play video games and watch tv then you are not doing anything wrong. He probably wanted a day to himself and was pissed off that they had screen time while he was out so he couldn't leave them parked in front of the screens all afternoon when he got back. I'm sure he was hoping you would do something wholesome with them while he was out so he could zone out when he got back, and he was annoyed that you left the wholesome quality time to him. But they are not your children, and it's for him to do that, not you.

Why are people still replying to this thread - the OP hasn't posted since she started the thread on Saturday.

@Gemma2019 Another bloody waste of time thread. So rude to abandon your own thread 😤

At that age they dont really want to spend every minute with the parent anyway (step or other) they, I'm sure, are happy enough doing what most kids at that age do n get lost in a game. With 50/50 visits you should have at least 1 day when your able to do what you want while he has his kids. Just be careful hes not gas lightening you as that mind play with guilt can make you feel like you arent doing enough. Does he even realise how much time you spend or he spends with them might be an idea to make a note and show him, including everything else that had to been done that day. Remember that you are doing an amazing job and that he IS being a complete arse over it. X

When he next wants to go out, suggest he takes his children with him. Make a start by playing family games together, which the kids won't want to do- or ban the use of headphones when you are in the room together. If he wants you to parent the kids, parent them YOUR way. Being with them when they are engrossed insomething else is stiffling, but it sounds as if the spend far too much time playing games. They are old enough to go out to play with friends,(Difficult, I know in these times of protecting all of us from C19. He is putting all of his responsibilty on to you- call him accountable.

Sounds as if he has deep guilt feelings about the children having gone through a break up. He is expecting you to be totally absorbed in them to compensate as he wants them to be really “into” their visits. At their ages they are probably enjoying the space to do their own thing.

I wouldn't be surprised if OP doesn't come back.

But I guess all these messages telling her that her DH is being selfish might have surprised her. I hope she's currently taking a good hard look at her relationship with no sign of rose tinted specs.

I agree, FWIW, with all the posters saying he's dumped his parenting responsibilities on her.

Quite honestly, I'd not have DC with this man and would leave him. Let him do the parenting, it's his responsibility after all.

Hi,

I haven't been back for a while I know, there's been an issue with a family member in hospital since Saturday so I simply haven't had the time to come and update the thread as fully as I wanted to.

I'm reading through everyone's replies now but to update.

We did have a massive argument on Saturday night about it. Apparently he feels like my attitude toward the children has 'changed' but he couldn't explain in what way that was when I asked.

I don't think it has. I think the children have entered a different phase essentially and that's just the way it is. They aren't interested in spending all day with us anymore, he can't see that for some reason, they enjoy spending time alone, as do I, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact I think they'd be a bit at me just sat silently in the same room whilst they talked to their mates!

He said it's about 'spending time together' I said I don't feel like that is really spending time together, they were occupied, talking to friends/ watching a film, not having conversation or anything so I don't see why it matters, they knew where I was if they needed anything. He said he thinks it does count and it's what he'd do. I said that's fine, he can do that if he wants but he doesn't get to order me to when he wasn't even here.

I honestly think some posters have hit the nail on the head when they say its about guilt. I get the impression from him that he expects me to love them and miss them and be desperate to see them like he is, as if I were their mother and he feels sort of insulted (?) If he gets the 'feeling' that I don't.

He's said before that he doesn't want to be the one to impose rules about gaming etc... Because they might not want to come anymore if he does. Because tbf they have no rules or limits at their mums house either, they've talked about it a few times but neither of them ever do anything about it because I think neither want to be the first to do it.

I also think, and have thought for some time, that he doesn't like the idea that they are getting older. He is always babying the youngest to the point where I've had to speak with him about it before because he wouldn't even let him make his own drink and basic things like that. He doesn't like the thought of them not actually being bothered about spending time with us anymore.

But you are all right (and I said this to him) that it's all very hypocritical to say this when he wasn't even here. I've said to him that I won't be doing it again. If he's so bothered about 'spending time' then he needs to be here to do so and I won't be facilitating it anymore. He doesn't get to ask a favour of me and then complain about the way I do it so if it's not good enough then he needs to be here himself.

In relation to the 50:50, it is actually necessary and their mother wants him to have them this much as he has them when she works. She'd be stuck if he did less than 50:50 (which he doesn't want to do anyway). It isn't court ordered, it was mutually agreed between themselves as she is a shift worker so would struggle for childcare on the days she's working as can be nights/long days, if he didn't have them as much. It's just what works for them and has always been the case since they split as far as I know. They actually get on pretty well.

Those asking where he was, he was at work. BUT he works for himself, he doesn't have to go in on a weekend, he chooses to. He doesn't have specific jobs set for a weekend or anything, he just likes going in when it's quiet at a weekend, usually for the Saturday morning.

I've not usually minded this as me and the kids just get on with whatever for the morning, they have a chill out and I have a tidy up and do my own thing and then we'll all do something together when he's back in the afternoon. But yeah, that's not happening now. I'm not sitting in the living room watching Xbox games all morning 'spending time' with children who couldn't give a toss whether I'm there or not, he can sod off.

To the poster who said I was angry at the children, I'm not sure where you are getting that from. I am angry at my husband, I thought that was clear from my posts. The children have nothing to do with it, they aren't bothered whether I'm in another room or not.

I feel like he doesn't want them to grow up and is desperate to hold onto the way they were when they were younger, when they did want to spend all their time with us etc... He can't see that it's just not that way anymore and that's okay and normal and doesn't make anyone horrible, they are just getting more independence as all children do.

I think you have very real clarity about the situation it's actually hilarious he chose to go to work rather than spend time with them on this occasion and then have a go at you!!

You deserve an apology from him, do you think you will ever get one? Sounds like he's become a Disney Dad for fear of them voting with their feet.

Yeah I think you sound really sensible. I also don't understand the crazy need to 'play' with my kids. I'm their mother, not their entertainer. Whether it is intentional or your dhs motives are hidden under the list of 'reasons' you have detailed he is taking the piss. Good on you for standing up for yourself.

I'm their mother, not their entertainer

I agree and I know people like to ask 'what would you do if they were your own kids' on these threads and my answer would be exactly the same!

I'm not there solely to entertain my step children 50% of my week (and they don't even want me to which is the most annoying part of it all!).

In fact imo, I don't see why they can't be bored some times! Surely that gets them thinking about what they can do. If they came to me and said they wanted to do some painting or play a board game or whatever then I'm all for it, but I'm not running round all the time desperately trying to find things to do with them. Especially when he, their parent, is not even making the effort to do so.

He's said before that he doesn't want to be the one to impose rules about gaming etc... Because they might not want to come anymore if he does. Because tbf they have no rules or limits at their mums house either, they've talked about it a few times but neither of them ever do anything about it because I think neither want to be the first to do it.

Sounds like they both need an adult conversation about actually parenting their children and making a joint decision around setting rules and boundaries for the good of the children. Just constantly kicking that ball down the road isn't doing the children any favours at all. Maybe if they agree on what the rules will be, they can arrange to tell the children together how it's going to be in future, so that it's not a case of either of them jumping the gun. And maybe they can sort out some sort of report back system so that if there's a problem with this they can again talk it through?

I have tried and tried and tried until I'm blue in the face to have the gaming conversation with him. I get so fed up of it.

And he agrees with me for a while and then it slips back to how it was because he feels bad or whatever.

And I do feel like there is only so much I can do as a step parent.

I don't feel like it's my place to talk to their mum about it, what she does at home is nothing to do with me. My husband has spoken with her about it and they have had conversation about implementing rules in both houses etc... But it all just starts crumbling very quickly.

So yeah, rightly or wrongly, I've kind of just given up with that now and leave them to do what they want in terms of rules around gaming.

But what I'm not doing is now also spending my time watching it all weekend. No way.

If he wants to sit and watch them play mind numbingly boring video games all day that's up to him, I'm not doing it.

This is what he doesn't get.

I would never turn down (unless genuine reason) actual quality time together. I'd always join in us all doing something together, trips out, walks etc...

But watching someone game is not the same thing.

Out of interest, when he's at home with them, does he stay in the same room as them the whole time?

if he wants to sit and watch them play mind numbingly boring video games all day that's up to him, I'm not doing it.

I suggest you go out on a Saturday morning and leave him to do just that! Give him warning that you're meeting a friend (ALONE) and then head out. He may realise he is being daft then.

Christ. There are days I barely see my 12 year old except when she’s hungry. He’s being ridiculous

Same with my 12 year old, I can still bloody hear him though yelling into a headset!

Good God. I'd rather scratch out my own eyes than watch someone else play video games or watch a YouTube video of someone playing the game.
Children do need to be bored and find their own entertainment sometimes. It makes them not only appreciate what they have but uses their imagination and problem-solving skills.
Regarding time limits and boundary issues, as a step-parent, there's little you can do except what you have done already.

You sound like a fab step-parent. Balanced, responsible, loving and accepting of the fact that children grow up and their interests change. If he chose to go out your in charge, so your rules.

In my opinion when adults start interfering in kids games it all goes wrong. I'm a single parent and I do 'stuff' with my kids like walking along the beach or going to the park but no fkn way would I watch them gaming. Not a hope. You wouldn't be wrong if they were your own kids but the fact they are not your kids and he wasn't even there. Not a hope would I be arsed with defending myself about that.

I agree with everything everyone else has said that he's 'a cheeky bastard' etc BUT I fear there is something a little more sinister beginning here? The total irrationality of him complaining that you aren't giving the children enough attention when he's not even at home smacks to me of the beginning of him trying to control you? You need to nip this well and truly in the bud and if there is even a hint of things escalating you have choices to make...why oh why are so many men such pillocks never seeing or realising how lucky they are and always having to be 'top dog', in many cases it's a massive inferiority complex issue and the poor woman gets the brunt of the anger and frustrations...anyway, I hope you work things out but do stand your ground and see it for what it is, he's bullying you, neither you nor the children will benefit for the continuation of this situation...xx

OP,
Well done for finally standing up for yourself.

He sounds like a waster though and very disrespectful of you.

Choosing to go to work on a Saturday and lecturing you is really Cheeky Fxxker territory.

You are far too available.

Does he sit and watch them game.

Not in a million years would I do it.

You need to reflect on why he feels so comfortable being so disrespectful and bossy towards you about your time.

He sounds like a piss poor parent.

It really isn't YOUR job to parent those children.

Step back.
Be less available.
Give him NO option but to parent HIS children.