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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband expects me to be glued to his children and it's driving me insane

309 replies

YatEe · 17/10/2020 22:19

Nothing I do is fucking good enough.

He's accused me tonight of having an issue with the children and avoiding them because I caught up with a programme in another room whilst they were happily settled in the living room with headphones on, playing games this morning.

The funniest part about this is.... HE WAS OUT. I was looking after them so he could go out and do something.

Apparently I should have watched my programme on my tablet in the same room so we were 'spending time together' (whilst he was out...not spending time with us) Hmm

I've told him how rich that is considering he wasn't even here himself and that I don't see what the problem is.

I was in and out of the room, tidying up, asking if they needed anything, what were they watching etc...

They aren't tiny children for goodness sake (9 & 11), surely it's not a big deal that we spent an hour in separate rooms for the morning.

I'm so pissed off. Apparently I used to make more effort with things like painting with them, baking etc... I agree we did used to do more stuff, but that was when they were much smaller, they just aren't as interested in those things anymore. All they want to do is play games and he lets them. But I'm apparently supposed to make more effort?

He does this all the time. If I want to go somewhere on a contact day it's 'dont you want to see the children' etc... I feel fucking suffocated by it.

OP posts:
MitziK · 18/10/2020 11:01

I'd be tempted to call their mother and ask if she wanted them dropped back home, as her ex's babysitting service has closed permanently and they might prefer to be with a parent.

Or whether she was interested in going for sole residence in view of the fact that the father doesn't want to parent them, he just wants her to not have them.

sugarbum · 18/10/2020 11:06

Would there be 50/50 care with him if he were not married to you? If it were just him, single parenting?

I don't think there would, would there...

marveloustimeruiningeverything · 18/10/2020 11:08

I'd tell him you're going to take a big step back for the next month and he can look after his own children: he can do the school runs, the catering, the picking up after, the laundry and cooking for, and the 'spending time together' with his children. Just to get a feel for all you do for his children while he swans off but feels free to criticize your sitting in another room for an hour quietly.

FFS. You're his wife, not the nanny. Find a backbone and tell him to do one if he thinks he gets to criticize you on this!

NotBabiesForLong · 18/10/2020 11:27

I feel for the kids.

You are his wife not nanny. Yes. He is an arse. But the kids are not a piece in a game that can be shuffled around and handed back to their mum. That just sends awful sad feelings to them.

It would be awful for the kids if this all became messy

Not that I know how to resolve it. As he is an arse.

SingingInTheShithouse · 18/10/2020 11:28

Cheeky fecker Shock

You're not the nanny & his kids are not your responsibility, you help look after them out of the goodness of your heart, how dare he be so unappreciative. Pee taker he isAngry

Notanotherwooname · 18/10/2020 11:29

I hate lazy, moany SMS, who shouldn’t have married a man with children. You are not a lazy, moany SM - you were behaving like any ordinary mum would...your DH has issues...

Antonov · 18/10/2020 11:29

You 100% need to stand up to him on this. That's all you need to do.

HellequineViriato · 18/10/2020 11:32

OMG my son is watching TV in the next room without me - what a terrible mum I must be! I don't spend all the time in the room when my DSS is here either but since he's 23 I think he'd find it weird if I did!

I don't think older children need you constantly there - just light supervision will do, they want to be independent at that age.

He needs to stop treating them as toddlers and you as the help!

goldenharvest · 18/10/2020 11:43

They're his children and he's demanding you entertain them while he goes out?
Jesus, I am lost for words

Sarahsah4r4 · 18/10/2020 11:47

the father doesn't want to parent them, he just wants her to not have them
Yes, THIS!
OP he is using you as a tool with which to punish his ex, the free service that you provide allows him to spite her without any cost to himself

MzHz · 18/10/2020 11:57

I’m sure it’s been mentioned before, but 50/50 = no maintenance

And yes, absolutely be unavailable for nanny duty from now on.

mummmy2017 · 18/10/2020 13:02

Spike his guns.
Tell him he is dead right.
Both of you have to be in the same room as the children 100% of the time they visit.
Tell him that sod the money from wages, he can work round the child care angle.
There will be no poping out to the shops alone all four of you need to go.
And He will need to change work hours so he can come with you to drop the children at school.
After he says no.
Next time just look him dead in the and say so are we doing this AGAIN.

billy1966 · 18/10/2020 14:39

@Sarahsah4r4

the father doesn't want to parent them, he just wants her to not have them Yes, THIS! OP he is using you as a tool with which to punish his ex, the free service that you provide allows him to spite her without any cost to himself
Great point and indeed most likely.

Again, how low must your self esteem and self respect be to allow yourself to be used like this.

Poor woman.

These men just require any poor sap to provide free childcare for them.

Very sad.

MoonJelly · 18/10/2020 14:42

He does this all the time. If I want to go somewhere on a contact day it's 'dont you want to see the children' etc... I feel fucking suffocated by it.

I'd be tempted to call his bluff and say "To be honest, no. I see them more than you do, they're not my children, today I would rather have a break. See you later."

Jux · 18/10/2020 16:35

How about getting up early on Saturday, taking an overnight bag and checking into a hotel somewhere lovely, leaving a note saying "sorry darlings, called away suddenly, didn't want to wake you; will be back Sunday night almost certainly "?

needsahouseboy · 18/10/2020 17:26

My 10 DS.has a playroom with a tele in it, I barely see him.

No bloody way am I being subjected to watching other people play video games on YouTube!

Tell him to sod off and look after his own children. Step back and let him parent

jimmyjammy001 · 18/10/2020 17:32

Yeah same as everyone else, screw watching someone else's children so they can go out, I'd stitch him up personally if he's going to go out sat night I would during the day time say I'm off to meet a friend for the night and leave him to sort his own kids out. In fact I would probably leave him, he's taking the mucky out of you and using you for free childcare.

whittingtonmum · 18/10/2020 17:37

Why was he out in the first place?

His children he should entertain them.

If he had some urgent business like a medical appointment he should be grateful that he could leave them in your care.

I would not watch them again when he's out if that's the grief you are getting. Next time he will have to take them with them as you won't be available.

wishfull888 · 18/10/2020 17:46

I would leave a muffin tray & paint brushes under his pillow in the spare room .....just ideas for his next date spending precious time with his own kids.

Menacingvern12 · 18/10/2020 17:54

Sounds like you need to babysit him. Tell him to grow up or fuck off

OldWomanSaysThis · 18/10/2020 18:31

I wonder if in his divorce he didn't just say, "I will take the children from you!" as a threat, meaning, I will find some other woman to take care of my children so my lifestyle isn't altered.

Storyoftonight · 18/10/2020 18:45

You used to do painting and baking Hmm what a nerve !

HIITPrincess · 18/10/2020 19:04

He's having a laugh! For al the reasons already posted.

Would love to know where he was.

billy1966 · 18/10/2020 20:01

@OldWomanSaysThis

I wonder if in his divorce he didn't just say, "I will take the children from you!" as a threat, meaning, I will find some other woman to take care of my children so my lifestyle isn't altered.
Like I say....MN is an eye opener. All the gullible women out there love bombed into being cheap childcare for men who want to spite wives, avoid maintenance.

Wasters.

Pinkyxx · 18/10/2020 20:46

@MzHz

I’m sure it’s been mentioned before, but 50/50 = no maintenance

And yes, absolutely be unavailable for nanny duty from now on.

I can't help think this is spot on..

I know my ex leaves his wife to do 99% of it and we don't even have 50/50.

I'm tempted to poll men on MN to see how many single Men have 50/50... i.e. do the care themselves vs 'outsource'.