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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband expects me to be glued to his children and it's driving me insane

309 replies

YatEe · 17/10/2020 22:19

Nothing I do is fucking good enough.

He's accused me tonight of having an issue with the children and avoiding them because I caught up with a programme in another room whilst they were happily settled in the living room with headphones on, playing games this morning.

The funniest part about this is.... HE WAS OUT. I was looking after them so he could go out and do something.

Apparently I should have watched my programme on my tablet in the same room so we were 'spending time together' (whilst he was out...not spending time with us) Hmm

I've told him how rich that is considering he wasn't even here himself and that I don't see what the problem is.

I was in and out of the room, tidying up, asking if they needed anything, what were they watching etc...

They aren't tiny children for goodness sake (9 & 11), surely it's not a big deal that we spent an hour in separate rooms for the morning.

I'm so pissed off. Apparently I used to make more effort with things like painting with them, baking etc... I agree we did used to do more stuff, but that was when they were much smaller, they just aren't as interested in those things anymore. All they want to do is play games and he lets them. But I'm apparently supposed to make more effort?

He does this all the time. If I want to go somewhere on a contact day it's 'dont you want to see the children' etc... I feel fucking suffocated by it.

OP posts:
Lena18 · 19/10/2020 20:20

My partner has a 13 year old.. Ive been around since she was 6.. Ive always actively stayed away on at least one of days to allow 1:1 time.. As she gets older shes here less.. If shes here a day ill meet a friend for a coffee in the morning and meet up with partner and sd in the afternoon.
Op maybe hes taking his guilt out on you for choosing to go out on a contact day..

MamaofRoyalty · 19/10/2020 20:34

First- none of anything that happens with them is your responsibility. If you’re doing him a favor of watching them he doesn’t then get to dictate how you interact with them. Second- 100$ says his ex wife doesn’t sit in the same room with. Third- if he’s so concerned about family time then he can bring you all to a zoo, a petting farm, out for daytime dessert, paintball, horseback riding, a car ride, a hike Ect. Most importantly I think someone else was right when they said you should avoid having your own kids with him. He’s showing why his first wife left him. He’s irrational, self indulgent, immature and unrealistic. If you want to leave the room to do yoga and eat a tub of ice cream alone then that is your choice. Kids that age do not need a helicopter parent staring at them while they play a game.

Saira1234 · 19/10/2020 20:42

You know what. UANBU BUT be tactful. Don’t overeact. Being a step mom or dad is so different to how we thought things would be!! Just count to 10. It’ll be ok. If you love your hubby then just do count to 10 and make it work!! You can explain nicely how you see it when you’re both calm. It’s always tough in these situations. But unless he’s an asshole (different story) then he’s just worried for the kids!! And that shows a good dad!

Merryweather80 · 19/10/2020 20:50

”Did he opt for 50-50 contact because he thought he could outsource the parenting to you and get away with not paying child support to his former wife?”

”the father doesn't want to parent them, he just wants her to not have them*
Yes, THIS!
OP he is using you as a tool with which to punish his ex, the free service that you provide allows him to spite her without any cost to himself”

The mom was probably telling the courts how little he knew his children and how little he knew about parenting. But do they listen - nope. It's all bloody fathers rights - what about the kids rights! The mothers rights? Poor woman was probably more than happy to have the dc 100% and not have anything to do with him.

I feel sorry for the kids! Thankfully you have been a good step mother to them and picked up his responsibility to them and been a good, kind parent to them. At least they know they were wanted and loved by two parents. Just not necessarily the biological parents.

MushMonster · 19/10/2020 20:51

He is the one who needs to do things with them and spend time with them, and you together.

Choccylips · 19/10/2020 20:57

It doesn't matter if they are yours or not the fact is when they get to that age they don't really want you breathing down their necks no matter what relationship you have. Your DH is to sensitive he needs to chill out and give you some space.

HopefulWife · 19/10/2020 21:03

YatEs
I agree that's bullshit!
I have two step kids but I made my husband aware from the get-go that he needs to be 100% with me since I am his partner. I made him know from the start what the grounds would be on me taking on his children. We agreed and up to now it's working out. But definitely the deal breaker for me is if he does what yours is doing.
You are not obligated to take care of anyone's children under that kind of demand. I would like to see him find someone who does what you do. Step kids are a lot to take on and I'd say it seems you are doing a good job since they don't mind him being absent.
But yeah.... you need to put some rules down or it will get a lot worse.
Good luck!

Michcb · 19/10/2020 21:06

His an arse luv simple x

Michcb · 19/10/2020 21:14

B u tell him 2 do 1 piss taker

Tinkerbell1980 · 19/10/2020 21:16

Ffs he sounds like a prick! He wants to swan off and do his own thing, leaving you to look after his kids, then he thinks he gets to complain that you didn't look after them well enough? Knob.
I don't spend every waking moment in the presence of my own kids, I'm allowed to watch TV in a different room, the sky won't fall!! Angry

LittleEsme · 19/10/2020 21:30

Are you ok OP?

Yorkshiretolondon · 19/10/2020 21:33

He is an arse! If he’s that bothered about them being on their own tell him to stay in and watch them! My son plays fortnite on sat mornings and I would not be watching fortnite with him no matter what and he’s my flesh and blood! Get on and do what you are doing- if he doesn’t like it tough!

Pigwig10 · 19/10/2020 21:38

My kids are 10, 12 & 14, I never see them Confused. What exactly does he think happens with kids of that age? That you all sit together as a a fun family, drinking hot chocolate and playing fun board games, having fun & japes all night?? I think he has been reading too many Enid Blyton booksHmm.

Amy4604 · 19/10/2020 22:39

I wonder what his x wife would have to say about him swaying of n leaving the kids wife the new wife lol hope the kids tell him n he gets shit for it lol not your fault hes to blame

WiseNiceWoman · 19/10/2020 22:48

He's using you to parent his kids whilst he can have more free time. It's because he doesn't want to spend as much time as he's expecting you to spend with his kids for him - he's a covert narcissist and doesn't like his own kids from the sounds of things, which is why he lets them play on the games when he's around as an easy babysitter. He throws chaos into the mix by allowing them to play with no boundaries and then doesn't wonder why or understand that the kids will want to be consumed by the games and certainly not want to play or give time to be around with Step-mum or dad for that matter. Maybe they are rebelling a little cos they can see dad's not as interested in them as he should be and understand you are not their true parent. To be honest, his attitude is NOT going to let up or get better. You will just have to put your foot down and DO NOT allow him to boss you around like that. Tell him to "fuck off and do more with his kids". Tell him he's driven you to despair with a lack of understanding as to why you've used those words and you are shocked by his selfish attitude in that it's OK for him to go out and leave you with kids and come back in and have the audacity to complain. Tell him to stay in and do more with his kids, talk to them, play with them as he should. He's not a loving dad at all and he's hiding behind the covert that he's got the kids and not mum (real mum) yet in reality, he doesn't care to put in the work - he wants you to put in the leg work for him and they are not your kids. Don't you want your own kids - I don't think you are onto a good thing for longevity. Be careful that all the work you put in that the kids still see you as "stepmom" and not someone that they should really care for. Give thought to where you are going with this relationship for the long-haul. Is he a man that can be reasoned with, if not, you certainly don't want to be stuck with that especially a ready-made family that cares little for you! I get it, we all make choices with partners whereby they don't reveal their true self and that self is very different before they deceived you who they actually are. I'm just saying and best of luck and to the kids, cos with a dad like that looks like you all are going to need it. If he brings in good bacon use him since he's using you!!!

WiseNiceWoman · 19/10/2020 22:51

My son is 14 and I play games with him. Not board games but games on phones whereby you can team up. I go for walks with him. I do a lot with my son. It's all about whether you as a parent want to or not. I do think a lot of parents are not bothered enough. However, not judging as you do have three and I only have one and still hard. But I don't allow his phone to be a babysitter!

JonSnowIsALoser · 19/10/2020 23:06

@WiseNiceWoman You only have one child, OP has zero not three. The kids she's supposed to be hovering over are not hers.

fuzzymoon · 19/10/2020 23:17

I would say he is accusing you to cover his own guilt of not giving them the attention he thinks they deserve.
It's like someone not trusting their partner and accusing them of having an affair when they are the untrustworthy one being unfaithful.
Turn it on the other to mask what is really happening.

Anordinarymum · 19/10/2020 23:20

Has OP disappeared

Duanphen · 19/10/2020 23:33

That's not a relationship, that's just him wanting a free nanny.

SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere · 19/10/2020 23:34

Right or wrong your reaction to this situation is way off... If I was your OH I would have serious concerns how angry you are over as you say, his children...

If the roles were reversed many on here would say the anger in your message would be a red flag to them if a man wrote it...

DPotter · 20/10/2020 02:45

Surrounded
not sure we're reading the same post.
The OP is angry with her 'D'H not the children. He is expecting her to parent them whilst he's off out somewhere and it sounds like this is not the first time this has happened.
People are allowed to be angry

Serengetiqueen · 20/10/2020 03:34

I wonder if he’s expecting you to mop up his divorce guilt?

LunaNorth · 20/10/2020 03:52

Does your husband have any redeeming features?

A golden cock to go with the brass neck, maybe?

CanICelebrate · 20/10/2020 07:04

@SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere
I think it’s quite clear OP isn’t angry with the children so please stop projecting your own issues onto this thread.

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