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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband expects me to be glued to his children and it's driving me insane

309 replies

YatEe · 17/10/2020 22:19

Nothing I do is fucking good enough.

He's accused me tonight of having an issue with the children and avoiding them because I caught up with a programme in another room whilst they were happily settled in the living room with headphones on, playing games this morning.

The funniest part about this is.... HE WAS OUT. I was looking after them so he could go out and do something.

Apparently I should have watched my programme on my tablet in the same room so we were 'spending time together' (whilst he was out...not spending time with us) Hmm

I've told him how rich that is considering he wasn't even here himself and that I don't see what the problem is.

I was in and out of the room, tidying up, asking if they needed anything, what were they watching etc...

They aren't tiny children for goodness sake (9 & 11), surely it's not a big deal that we spent an hour in separate rooms for the morning.

I'm so pissed off. Apparently I used to make more effort with things like painting with them, baking etc... I agree we did used to do more stuff, but that was when they were much smaller, they just aren't as interested in those things anymore. All they want to do is play games and he lets them. But I'm apparently supposed to make more effort?

He does this all the time. If I want to go somewhere on a contact day it's 'dont you want to see the children' etc... I feel fucking suffocated by it.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 17/10/2020 22:29

You need to stop looking after his kids for him.
You have to spend time with them but he doesn't? He fucks off out and expects you to do painting with his kids?
Nope. Time for a big step back and remind him that they're actually his kids and his contact time is exactly that, HIS contact time.

surlycurly · 17/10/2020 22:30

Nah he's looking for problems. I have my two birth children full time and I spend as much time as I can actively not engaging in whatever puerile shit they're doing. That's life in a family. You're keeping them alive, not a paid au pair who has to amuse them (ps even my au pairs struggled with the 9/11 stage as they aren't interested in hanging about with adults). He's trying to perpetuate an artificial situation. He can bake cakes with them himself next time. I'm sure you all did enough of that in lockdown.

madcatladyforever · 17/10/2020 22:30

I would quite frankly tell him to fuck right off and mind his own children. Children that age don't want to be mithered by adults all day long. Does he know how to look after children? He sounds completely ignorant about how and is getting i to a state.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2020 22:30

I would be telling him the days of you being the fucking nanny are done. These are his children, he can sort out everything. He is massively taking the piss.

Grapefruitcauliflower · 17/10/2020 22:31

He’s taking the piss. Probably sees childcare as women’s work Angry Agree with Ohtherewearethen that you should give him a taste of his own medicine. YANBU at all!

Hercwasonaroll · 17/10/2020 22:31

Next time he wants to go out, ask him who he has arranged to babysit. What a twat.

Original poster
YatEe · 17/10/2020 22:31

@surlycurly

Nah he's looking for problems. I have my two birth children full time and I spend as much time as I can actively not engaging in whatever puerile shit they're doing. That's life in a family. You're keeping them alive, not a paid au pair who has to amuse them (ps even my au pairs struggled with the 9/11 stage as they aren't interested in hanging about with adults). He's trying to perpetuate an artificial situation. He can bake cakes with them himself next time. I'm sure you all did enough of that in lockdown.
This was exactly my point. Yes we used to bake cakes and paint and play board games and all the rest of it but fucking hell, try and get them to do that now and it's like WW3 sometimes.

Especially because he doesn't limit their screen time at all so they just don't want to do anything else now.

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/10/2020 22:31

If I was him I would like you to take an interest in them and join on days out but actually I'd also want time alone with them. The double standards just sounds ridiculous.

HollowTalk · 17/10/2020 22:32

Please don't say you work reduced hours so that you can take care of his children.

DeliciouslyFemale · 17/10/2020 22:32

@VeniceQueen2004

Sounds lik you are very incompatible. FFS don't have a kid with him and for his kids' sake move on from the relationship.
How the hell did you come to the idea that the OP is being unreasonable? He’s the one leaving the children.
Anordinarymum · 17/10/2020 22:33

OP what would you like to do? Was it always like this with him expecting you to parent them? And who owns the house you are all living in?

rorosemary · 17/10/2020 22:34

Why wasn't he there? It's the childs contact time with him, not you. He should be there for the contact.

user1471462428 · 17/10/2020 22:34

Are his kids needy? My daughter likes me to be in the same room as her, not necessarily doing the same thing just so she can see me. Are they similar?
I’d love to know where he was? Ask him what’s more important than HIS children?

nimbuscloud · 17/10/2020 22:34

How has if ended up that he expects you to do this? How long are you with him ?

burglarbettybaby · 17/10/2020 22:35

He is a joke. He was out. I would make sure next weekend you are out and you don't do all the unpaid childcare. He can feck off

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/10/2020 22:36

Is he one of those men who doesn't want a relationship as much as a live-in housekeeper and nanny?

The fact he doesn't limit their screen time is pretty telling too. How engaged is he even when he's home?

nimbuscloud · 17/10/2020 22:36

To be honest it’s so bizarre as to be unbelievable

saraclara · 17/10/2020 22:37

They're 9 and 11! Not 5 and 7, FFS.

Does he never leave the room when they're stuck to their screens? And how does he know that you weren't there with them? Did one of them complain to him?

Does he paint and bake with them, then?

Gemma2019 · 17/10/2020 22:38

How did he know about it if he was out? Did you tell him or did the kids?

mbosnz · 17/10/2020 22:39

Time for him to spend his own precious time looking after his own darling kids. . . it's BONDING darling. . .

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/10/2020 22:40

He knows he is a shit parent (buggering off out when he has contact time) and is trying to get rid of the guilt by saying "Ah but they were with OP" and you buggered up his narrative.

Next time he wants to go to the pub on a contact day say "I have thought about what you said and I agree we need more family time, so no, I dont want you to go. You should stay here and be with us"

Or leave him. As I suspect that he has been outsourcing his parenting to you for YEARS.

Toebarb · 17/10/2020 22:40

Time to stop doing so much for his kids OP. That might make him see sense.

SquashedSpring · 17/10/2020 22:41

He needs to accept that his children are growing up and that they probably don't want an adult hovering around them all the time. He also needs to realise that you're not a nanny.

SideAfries · 17/10/2020 22:41

I bet if they were your children he wouldn’t of even questioned this, but because they’re step children you’re expected to go above & beyond to prove your love & admiration for the children.

Bull shit! He was out!!!

Newmumatlast · 17/10/2020 22:41

I'm slightly confused about how you all got into this situation. How is it that he gets to go out and then moan about your parenting? Have you not ever flatly refused?