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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband expects me to be glued to his children and it's driving me insane

309 replies

YatEe · 17/10/2020 22:19

Nothing I do is fucking good enough.

He's accused me tonight of having an issue with the children and avoiding them because I caught up with a programme in another room whilst they were happily settled in the living room with headphones on, playing games this morning.

The funniest part about this is.... HE WAS OUT. I was looking after them so he could go out and do something.

Apparently I should have watched my programme on my tablet in the same room so we were 'spending time together' (whilst he was out...not spending time with us) Hmm

I've told him how rich that is considering he wasn't even here himself and that I don't see what the problem is.

I was in and out of the room, tidying up, asking if they needed anything, what were they watching etc...

They aren't tiny children for goodness sake (9 & 11), surely it's not a big deal that we spent an hour in separate rooms for the morning.

I'm so pissed off. Apparently I used to make more effort with things like painting with them, baking etc... I agree we did used to do more stuff, but that was when they were much smaller, they just aren't as interested in those things anymore. All they want to do is play games and he lets them. But I'm apparently supposed to make more effort?

He does this all the time. If I want to go somewhere on a contact day it's 'dont you want to see the children' etc... I feel fucking suffocated by it.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 18/10/2020 05:46

He expects you to do the things he doesn’t but when it comes to setting boundaries etc he doesn’t act. Men don’t like the grunt work of parenting, women are expected to keep children alive and stimulated and men are supposed to flit in and out at their convenience. Disney Dad is a thing, where as Disney Mum isn’t. He guilts you because he knows you care, he wouldn’t bother if you didn’t and uses that guilt to manipulate you.

The question isn’t why does he do it? That’s easy to answer, he’s an entitled, sexist ‘do as I say, not as I do’ arse. The question should be, ‘why have i accepted his bullshit for so long’?

ulanbatorismynextstop · 18/10/2020 05:53

@Aquamarine1029

I would be telling him the days of you being the fucking nanny are done. These are his children, he can sort out everything. He is massively taking the piss.
This.....
StrawberrySquash · 18/10/2020 06:04

Quite apart from the expecting you to act like a babysitting service, I don't think children should be in the same room as their responsible adults all the time at that age. They need some independence. I think it would be stifling for them to be with their adults all the time.

mathanxiety · 18/10/2020 06:05

Did he opt for 50-50 contact because he thought he could outsource the parenting to you and get away with not paying child support to his former wife?

If I were you I would be suspicious that this was his motivation for 50-50.

It's an easy prospect to contemplate when you are sure it won't interfere with your job, your hobby, or your social life because you have a live-in babysitter on tap.

Tumbleweed101 · 18/10/2020 06:10

In the house mine do their own thing these days and will seek me out themselves if they want to do anything (youngest is 11).

I try to do an occasional family thing - we went to the pumpkin patch yesterday for example - but otherwise they prefer to be doing their own thing or going down the park to see their friends for a couple hours. The days of active involvement all day are over (thank goodness) and I can finally get to do what I want to do in the house now when they are home.

It’s also very different putting yourself out for your own children and having to do it for someone else’s, even if you are fond of them.

emilybrontescorsett · 18/10/2020 06:13

He sounds a total twat.

whiteroseredrose · 18/10/2020 06:36

He's bonkers.

If you have the DC 50:50 then this is their home.

At those ages I doubt that their mother sits next to them all the time. They are very capable of being in a room without constant adult supervision.

WokesFromHome · 18/10/2020 06:41

I spend as much time as I can actively not engaging in whatever puerile shit they're doing.That's life in a family. You're keeping them alive, not a paid au pair who has to amuse them

You are not your StepKids Au Pair, but the above sounds pretty shit too TBH. I am doing a lot more with my 2 teens than "keeping them alive".

I don't agree with you babysitting them but he may have a point in that you don't interact with them, but then sounds like he doesn't either. Poor kids!

Gooseybby · 18/10/2020 06:44

Woah, you've been way more accomodating than me, a veritable saint in my eyes! I'd rip him a new one for this - it'd be a dealbreaker.

MoonJelly · 18/10/2020 06:45

Yes I said so he gets to swan off and I'm the one who has to sit in a room watching them with headsets on playing games so that we can 'spend time together'...

How can he accuse someone of not spending time when he wasn't even in the fucking house. Cheeky bastard.

So what was his response to that?

smeerf · 18/10/2020 06:47

When was the last time he did baking or painting with them?

Sexnotgender · 18/10/2020 06:50

@smeerf

When was the last time he did baking or painting with them?
I’d love to know this too.

He’s a cheeky fucker. He’s not even there with HIS children but thinks he can dictate how you spend your time when frankly you’re doing him a favour. I’d be much less available for babysitting going forward.

isthismylifenow · 18/10/2020 06:56

9 and 11 year olds don't need constant supervision.

He wants the best of both worlds doesn't he OP.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 18/10/2020 07:13

I have 2 kids of my own and even i dont always stay in the same room -_- sometimes i go have a bath or sit in my bedroom reading .... Why should i have to be with them constantly ?

Straven123 · 18/10/2020 07:14

You could do to have a proper discussion with him about the DCs - they shouldn't be on games all day. I'm sure they love it but he needs to be a good father and get them off those doing something else they enjoy. Can he take them swimming/running/ tennis lessons/ walk in the park.
I would say he spoke to you because he knows they shouldn't be sitting in their bubbles playing games but unfortunately is too lazy to sort something out himself.
It's his job, pass the buck to him.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/10/2020 07:29

I think I would withdraw services for a couple of weeks to allow a reset.

My children were happy to play alone from about 3 (for short but increasing periods of time) which was handy if we wanted to eat/have clean clothes/dishes/house.

What was the CF doing?

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/10/2020 07:41

Did he opt for 50-50 contact because he thought he could outsource the parenting to you and get away with not paying child support to his former wife?

I am certain.

Beautiful3 · 18/10/2020 07:46

I think you did nothing wrong. Your husband wasnt even there!!! Next time he wants to to baby sut so he can fo else where, say, " no its family time!"

Beautyoftheirdreams · 18/10/2020 07:48

My 10 year old DD spent the evening happily in her room yesterday. My 12 year old stepson spent some of the evening downstairs with us, on his phone with headphones in then went upstairs to spend the evening with DD. I continued to watch Netflix with no intention of following him upstairs to sit in her room with them.

Your husband is being ridiculous

BugCatcher879 · 18/10/2020 07:55

Wtf kids that age often just want to do their own thing

Monty12345 · 18/10/2020 07:56

Ooooooh get rid of him and get another husband !!! Usual response here lol.

FippertyGibbett · 18/10/2020 07:58

Why is he still your husband ?
Do you want kids, do you want him to be the father of your kids ?

Pikachubaby · 18/10/2020 08:02

Why do women stay with men who respect them so little?

Why?

It’s his contact day. He goes out, then chides you for not being super nanny?

Why even live with someone like that? He’s an arsehole to his kids, and he’s an arsehole to you... she he’s probably an arsehole full stop

Pluckedpencil · 18/10/2020 08:04

I agree with mathanxiety.

EffYouSeeKaye · 18/10/2020 08:06

WHAT?? No wonder he’s not with their mother anymore.