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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband expects me to be glued to his children and it's driving me insane

309 replies

YatEe · 17/10/2020 22:19

Nothing I do is fucking good enough.

He's accused me tonight of having an issue with the children and avoiding them because I caught up with a programme in another room whilst they were happily settled in the living room with headphones on, playing games this morning.

The funniest part about this is.... HE WAS OUT. I was looking after them so he could go out and do something.

Apparently I should have watched my programme on my tablet in the same room so we were 'spending time together' (whilst he was out...not spending time with us) Hmm

I've told him how rich that is considering he wasn't even here himself and that I don't see what the problem is.

I was in and out of the room, tidying up, asking if they needed anything, what were they watching etc...

They aren't tiny children for goodness sake (9 & 11), surely it's not a big deal that we spent an hour in separate rooms for the morning.

I'm so pissed off. Apparently I used to make more effort with things like painting with them, baking etc... I agree we did used to do more stuff, but that was when they were much smaller, they just aren't as interested in those things anymore. All they want to do is play games and he lets them. But I'm apparently supposed to make more effort?

He does this all the time. If I want to go somewhere on a contact day it's 'dont you want to see the children' etc... I feel fucking suffocated by it.

OP posts:
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 18/10/2020 08:13

How does he know what everyone was doing and in which rooms while he was out?

Did he ask the kids?

FredaFrogspawn · 18/10/2020 08:21

I’d tell him as I’m not doing it right, it’s best he doesn’t leave them just with me again.

monkeyonthetable · 18/10/2020 08:22

9 and 11 year olds don't want you to be in the same room as them. They need and want more independence and privacy. They are no danger to themselves (unless severe SEN) and can find you if they need you. He needs to relax.

user1494055864 · 18/10/2020 08:25

Where the fuck was he? Out doing 'his hobby' so he gets his 'me time' no doubt.
Don't be a doormat OP.

aquashiv · 18/10/2020 08:29

From now on just say no.
If presenteism is his parenting style suggest he stays sits with them.
Why are you with him?

pictish · 18/10/2020 08:31

So you’re the nanny and he’s the boss.

If you want that to change you’ll have to stand up to him and tell him no.
You would be completely within your rights to do so.

user1471538283 · 18/10/2020 08:35

This is projection and also making you think you are responsible for them. I wouldn't have this. If he could do so much better then he can do it. When DS was 9 he had a TV in his room and he would spend some time in there without me. I would tell him that they are his children and he needs to parent. I would also leave him

Okbutnotgreat · 18/10/2020 08:35

@YatEe YANBU! I have 3 DC of my own and if we had to spend all our time together we’d kill each other. If they live with you 50/50 then letting them do something while you do something else is perfectly normal and if he’s out doing his own thing he hasn’t got a leg to stand on. They’re not little and they don’t require constant supervision. Book yourself something regular outside the home and tell him to look after them. They’ll probably tell him to bugger off and give them some space.

LakieLady · 18/10/2020 08:38

Invoice him for all the childcare you've done for his children over the years.

pastandpresent · 18/10/2020 08:38

In bio families this is totally norm, that everyone doing what they like, because they trust each other, they don't constantly need to make efforts all the time. Tell him that you all are becoming real family. Mutual trust is there so spending an hour separate won't damage the relationship between you and step children.

Tiktaktoe · 18/10/2020 08:41

You've posted this before and gotten good advice, did you make any changes since tge last time?

happinessischocolate · 18/10/2020 08:42

@YatEe

By the way, they live here 50:50 so it's not an EOW arrangement where they are barely here. We see each other all the time so I don't see why every second has to be spent in the same room.
From today every time he leaves the room that his children are in I would say "excuse me where are you going, you need to stay here and spend quality time with the dcs" also think of things he used to do with them when they were younger like taking them to the park, playing footie or teaching them to ride their bikes and keep suggesting they do that, when he says they don't want to just say "but you used to live spending time with them"

He is hilarious though and I'd probably just laugh in his face.

CakeRequired · 18/10/2020 08:43

You are just the replacement mother in his eyes so that he can fuck off and cycle/play golf/football/be the dickhead he is.

I do think that if you want to be with someone who has children that you should want to spend time with them and you should like them. But you've been doing that and he hasn't. He's the fucking parent. Where is his parenting coming into play here? Does he deal with them when they are sick? Does he feed them? Does he play games with them?

If that was my husband, as soon as he got home, he'd be sat down like a child, shouted at for treating you like this and abandoning his children, and told that he either changes his view that second and apologised or I was walking out the door to never be seen again. My bags would be packed too into anticipation of his stupidity to not apologise.

NotBabiesForLong · 18/10/2020 08:43

Is there more to this? Have you been getting along? Or was this a one off snappy moment by him?

The recommendations here are passive aggressive or confrontational etc which will create further issues. Is this what you want and where you want this to head?

If there is a back story then put your foot down, and withdraw the nanny service and have it out with him etc. And be prepared for an almighty fall out as a manchild will not enjoy upping his responsibilities.

custardbear · 18/10/2020 08:54

How much baking, board games and babysitting kids in the room has he done?! My 8&12 year olds play their games in the lounge or their bedrooms when I'm often in another room sorting my own down time activities, they're plenty old enough to sort themselves out

pictish · 18/10/2020 08:58

“You are just the replacement mother in his eyes so that he can fuck off and cycle/play golf/football/be the dickhead he is.”

Yup. He’s got high standards as a parent when someone else is doing the parenting. What a wanker.

Pinkyxx · 18/10/2020 09:00

I'm currently sat in another room to my 11 year. She's watching some dance show in another room, I'm watching the news... at this age they don't want adults hanging around, its the natural progression FFS. Good luck getting them to bake cupcakes Grin

You're not being unreasonable, he is incredibly so. HE should be spending HIS contact time with HIS children not you. He has a real nerve. Sounds like you've cared for his children a lot in this arrangement which isn't right for you or the children.

Why are there so many men who re-marry and expect their 2nd wife to serve as surrogate mother so they can go out and live a single life??? I just don't get it.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 18/10/2020 09:01

So, they arent even your kids?!

Well- there you go then. He's being a massive hypocritical belled and I'd tell him that since youre so crap at babysitting he can do ALL of it from now on because clearly he's so much better at it than you.

Then I'd refuse to life a finger and he can do the lot.

He sounds like a horrible man btw.

Shemeanswell · 18/10/2020 09:02

He knows he’s inadequate and wants you to make up for it.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/10/2020 09:04

I want to know how much time he spends with his DC engaging with what they are doing? I am guessing far less than you.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 18/10/2020 09:06

Yet another example of how a man/single father manages to find a woman to look after his children during his contact time. It's called out-sourcing, only in these cases he manages to avoid paying for the service by having a relationship with the babysitter, so he actually gets a free child minding service, cook, cleaner, oh and sex thrown in for free.

These men can never be expected to look after their own children ON THEIR OWN, I mean come on, that would mean making sacrifices, giving up their hobbies and downtime, naw, that's wimmin's work.

A man will always target a new woman after they separate from the mother of their children specifically to look after His children on his contact time. These boards are riddled with tales of women saddled with the care of their partner's offspring while the male merrily skips off to his hobbies and does nothing but criticise the female carer.

pictish · 18/10/2020 09:07

Seriously, the brass neck of him. I’d be absolutely furious.

I have to say, I would never find myself in the situation of playing mother to step kids while their father fucked off and left me to it, in the first place. Never mind being told how I should be mothering.
Just wouldn’t happen. Hell no. Fuck right off.

madcatladyforever · 18/10/2020 09:15

My son would have been properly pissed off if I'd been glued to him at that age.

Undercovermuvver · 18/10/2020 09:18

If you are satisfied with him as a partner normally, I would do the whole ‘we need to talk’, thing. I was a bit harsh on my partner and expected him to treat my kids like a dad. I was soooooo wrong. He didn’t and my kids didn’t Treat him like that either.

Now we have sorted that out, life’s good. You need to talk about it though.

WineGummyBear · 18/10/2020 09:20

Wife work. That's what you are there for.