Pissed off two friends as won't share my baby things

[Pollypockett23]

I've upset two friends by not sharing my baby things. It's my first baby and I have bought everything brand new.

Both are pregnant and both have been pestering to borrow things. Neither have asked outright but have been hugely hinting eg. Can't try things on in maternity stores etc. I've just said you don't really get maternity clothes in store anymore, most is online anyway.

I feel really under pressure and don't want to share my things. One has recently married a millionaire - I don't know why she would want my second hand stuff?

I just want to keep everything new but feel under massive pressure. Am I being unreasonable?

One friend is strapped for cash but has chosen to have a baby. I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?! I did give her a bag of things - maternity clothes - and she turned her nose up at them and hasn't worn them since. They were all brand new but things I hadn't spend hundreds on.

Of course babies destroy clothes. They get worn, stained and tatty. I think it’s better that you cool the friendship. Friendships aren’t about being grabby and taking what you want. Enjoy your weekend without them.

@planbea the OP does read as if she thinks having a baby is a lifestyle choice. She clarified later that rejection of cheap mat clothes was the lifestyle choice but she's clearly not alone in her original view. Plenty on this post seem to agree with her. Babies: not for the poors.

Erm no the op said having expensive maternity clothing is a lifestyle choice.

TBH if you plan to then conceive a baby that is a lifestyle choice!! Choosing to do that without being able afford to is never wise...

An accidental pregnancy isn't a lifestyle choice making the decision to not terminate you could argue is, but not one that many wish to make I should think.

I chose to have DC knowing that I couldn't afford them to have expensive things, 2nd hand for them and us all the way. Certainly didn't expect other people to loan me anything!

@allthedamnvampires OP does read as if she thinks having a baby is a lifestyle choice but having DC IS a choice. like having sex is a choice. everything we do is a choice.

one of these friends is choosing to make demands on OP to the point of badmouthing & making OP feel crap about her usually generous nature because her own choices don't meet her expectations or current income. She's clearly not destitute, she rejected gifted maternity stuff and chose to buy something else instead.

offering stuff to people is kind and generous. demanding it is selfish and rude.

Don't conflate the awful behaviour of both the (not) friends with meaning the OP is right, not every story irl has folk neatly divided into heroes and villains. And imo 'choice' and 'lifestyle choice' are different things.

I can’t believe how bloody weird they’re being.

Since when was this behaviour ok? It’s so grabby! Even if you weren’t planning another child in the near future - you’d be totally within your rights to keep the things YOU bought YOURSELF anyway?! Of course sharing and lending is nice if you want to do it, and it’s even nicer when it’s to people who have little money to spare. But it’s totally up to your discretion to do so, rude of them to drop hints and outright ask, and as others pointed out, you never get things back in the same condition. I leant my SIL Lots of stuff and it came back all shrunk and bobbly from tumble dryer. I wasn’t mad, but it made me more careful about what I leant in future.

did you end up responding OP? how did bailing on the weekend go?

"One friend is strapped for cash but has chosen to have a baby. I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?! "

Imagine a man telling a broody woman that it's a 'lifestyle choice'!

Why on earth are they still your friends?

I’d be careful about the ‘choosing to have a baby when you don’t have money’ train of thought.

I found out I was pregnant with DS2 two days after I was made redundant. I had no idea that my job was in a precarious position or that our company was facing financial difficulties. 6 months later, DH was also made redundant from his job. We really struggled financially and people were very judgemental about our status, assuming we hadn’t thought things through. I was even asked why I didn’t have a termination (for a baby that I had been trying to conceive for over a year).

You don’t always know people’s circumstances, so please don’t judge.

It’s yours. Just tell them you’re not ready to let go of it yet and you will when you feel it’s the right time. They seem funny friends. Part of the fun of having a baby is choosing the stuff. Can’t imagine any of my friends expecting to share baby stuff. Stick to your guns -or tell them you’ve donated it to a mother and baby charity

YANBU. i wouldnt want to lend give my stuff out either, whether your having DC2 or not, yours your choice, some mums want to keep mementos, not that its anyones business. Just say no sorry.

It’s your first baby and your first babies things! Hold on to those precious things and try to rise above any pettiness. They can provide their own children with things if they are having babies. Also what is TTC?

No they can buy their own!.

I gave a good friend’s sister my maternity and baby things on the understanding that they were on loan (she was in a precarious situation). I wasn’t sure we were done having babies and my siblings haven’t had any yet.

I did keep a few of my favourites or most sentimental/special pieces back, as I had to be prepared to let it go, as you do when you loan stuff. In fairness I did get a lot of it back (and a few, mostly supermarket etc bits that weren’t mine), but nearly all of the nicest and most expensive bits weren’t returned. I’m expecting our next one and it might sound contrary, but I kind of wish that none of it had been given back. It’s definitely left a bit of a sour taste. But maybe I’m just being a bit hormonal and unreasonable?

So sorry you’re being made to feel used and that your so called friends have been acting so entitled. Choosing how and when to get rid of your things should be completely on your terms and certainly not if you’re planning on using them again soon.

That being said, if your friend is turning her nose up at perfectly good items but is still being grabby/demanding, just keep asking her about what happened to the things you gave her. If she said they weren’t good enough state that your other things probably won’t be good enough for her either. Tell the people she has bad mouthed you to that you’ve given her things but she keeps turning her nose up at them.

I wouldn’t personally remain friends with someone so rude and entitled.

@PenelopePilchard That made me gasp, so, so sad!

Nobody should needs to defend keeping hold of anything they own! Penelope’s story and the other stories from PP is exactly why you keep things until you are ready.

‘Lucy’s’ statement that her baby won’t ruin anything is nuts! ‘Lucy’ YABVVVVVU!!!

Just to add my comments...YANBU.

I might have some sympathy for them if they actually asked directly for the loans; but dropping hints and gossipping to other people are sly and unpleasant actions and not worthy of real friends.

Just say once my family is complete then all our things will be fair game for anyone who wants them but until it is they will be waiting for our later children.

@ddl1

I might have some sympathy for them if they actually asked directly for the loans; but dropping hints and gossipping to other people are sly and unpleasant actions and not worthy of real friends.

Yep. That. It's not so much about them expecting to borrow the stuff, as the way they've behaved. They sound horrible, to be honest.

redwinefine

Think it's a bit harsh to say about one of your friends that "I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?"

She's choosing not to murder her baby. So..... not really a lifestyle...]

Choosing to have a baby IS a lifestyle choice. Unless her friend found out late into her pregnancy, which doesnt appear to be the case, nor does it sound like she is putting the baby up for adoption once born. So she made a decision which will change her lifestyle, whether socially, mentally or economically

OP gave her friend a bag of maternity clothes. The skint friend turned her nose up at them because she wanted OP's expensive stuff!

Just because this friend decided not to murder her baby, doesnt make it OP's responsibility to kit her friend out in expensive stuff because that's the lifestyle choice the friend wants?

Ditch them op they don't sound like nice friends

Covid 19 you cant loan stuff out. Or saving for baby number 2. Why should you buy twice, to save them buying once, cheeky buggers. If someone gives you something it's a bonus but you should never expect, that's rude.

This isn't war time, let them get on the internet and shop like you did. Why should you lend out what you've bought for your new baby. No absolutely do not lend it out. Enjoy being a new mother and don't let anyone get you down.