To say third marriages....

[PinkAndFabulous]

Are nothing to be ashamed of?

How the fuck to people fit in all these marriages? I'm forty and just coming out the other side of my first divorce. I'm seriously impressed with you swift movers

@BewilderedDoughnut

*Currently 5 years into marriage 4... Nobody should comment on anyone's personal circumstances imo*

Four?? Honestly why keep doing it?

Some people say optimist. I say deluded.

@hereyehearye

If anything this thread is proof positive that people who've been divorced twice should be judged harder, not less.

The typical story seems to be 2x abusive relationships, then finally marrying the white knight who comes to save them. We're supposed to feel this is a happy ending?

But who bore the scars of those terrible abusive men? Their children. So after putting their children through an awful abusive childhood, these women don't even have the decency to safeguard their inheritance. No they immediately hand it away to the first non obvious twat who buys them a bunch of flowers then run back down the aisle to play the virgin bride. Disgusting.

The problem with being a "romantic" and "loving love" is the poor children who have to live with the disrupted and unstable childhoods but it doesn't surprise me that people who have had three, four, five marriages fail are inherently selfish. These women only care about themselves.

What a load of bollocks

My first marriage no children

Second, my kids have a fantastic relationship with their dad, we just weren't comparable and he was a bit controlling over money.

My relationship now is teamwork, we both compliment each other.

So fuck the fuck off with your judgy comments

@hereyehearye

If anything this thread is proof positive that people who've been divorced twice should be judged harder, not less.

The typical story seems to be 2x abusive relationships, then finally marrying the white knight who comes to save them. We're supposed to feel this is a happy ending?

But who bore the scars of those terrible abusive men? Their children. So after putting their children through an awful abusive childhood, these women don't even have the decency to safeguard their inheritance. No they immediately hand it away to the first non obvious twat who buys them a bunch of flowers then run back down the aisle to play the virgin bride. Disgusting.

The problem with being a "romantic" and "loving love" is the poor children who have to live with the disrupted and unstable childhoods but it doesn't surprise me that people who have had three, four, five marriages fail are inherently selfish. These women only care about themselves.

My first husband ensured my son is well looked after. I have no anger towards him at all I was too young.

Without my partner helping financially I would of lost everything due to husband number two. I couldn’t take the mortgage on alone due to my earning capabilities. Even working two jobs I couldn’t take on a mortgage.

Mostly I don't see the point. I also disagree with perpetuating these sorts of patriarchal institutions. I do think repeated marriages have a negative effect on children in some cases.

My DSis, who I spoke about earlier, had no DC from her first marriage. Her DH had a DS from his previous marriage, but she became a very loving stepmum to him (she loves him as much as the three DC that she's had with her DH). He's now a very well adjusted adult with a family of his own.

It worked well, because all the adults involved wanted to make it work, which I think is clearly key.

The judging in this thread is really depressing.

But yes, I accept that it doesn't always work out well, as can be evidenced in multiple Mumsnet threads concerning blended families.

@Lalastepmum

first husband ensured my son is well looked after. I have no anger towards him at all I was too young.

Without my partner helping financially I would of lost everything due to husband number two. I couldn’t take the mortgage on alone due to my earning capabilities. Even working two jobs I couldn’t take on a mortgage.

So the lesson from your first two failed marriages was to make yourself financially dependent on yet another man and hope for the best?

[quote hereyehearye]@Lalastepmum

first husband ensured my son is well looked after. I have no anger towards him at all I was too young.

Without my partner helping financially I would of lost everything due to husband number two. I couldn’t take the mortgage on alone due to my earning capabilities. Even working two jobs I couldn’t take on a mortgage.

So the lesson from your first two failed marriages was to make yourself financially dependent on yet another man and hope for the best?[/quote]
It is sorted legally but do understand your point. Without it I would of been in a homeless hostel and potentially lost my daughter to my ex. My eldest is at uni.

My sister is her husband’s third wife (her first marriage). He was married very young (17), and it only lasted a couple years; he then married again in his mid-20s, had three kids, everything great - but she sadly died at 50. My sister came along (she’s 10 years younger than him), and was suitably wary that he had two marriages behind him. Their wedding was very ‘them’, with about 60 people, and all of the usual celebrations. They have one child, and I would put money on this one being for keeps - barring an early death. I think it’s all about circumstances.

@BewilderedDoughnut

I think third marriages are a bit embarrassing to be honest. If you can’t get it right the first two times it doesn’t bode well for the third does it?

Why assume someone hasn’t “got it right”. Have a little think about why someone might have multiple marriages behind them.

If both previous marriages ended in the death of your partner then fine, but personally don't agree with divorce then remarrying. Vows mean something to me and if you break them once, you'll do it again

DH got married in his 20s, fairly short marriage. He met me in his mid-30s, we've now been married for over 10 years. If our marriage went tits up, he could meet somebody Jess and want to marry them whilst he's in his 50s/60s. I don't think that would make him a particularly bad bet.

On the flip side, my friend met a man in his mid-30s who was coming to the end of his 2nd marriage. She's had a very long, disastrous marriage to a horrible control man that has just ended so maybe she should have wondered why a man had two failed marriages by the time he was 35 🤔.

What an utterly nasty thread.
I am on my third. Divorce then widowed - is that okay? Only one divorce so not such a mess up and only one died so probably not killing them off?

The most amazing posters are the ones saying it is okay if this or that - or maybe mind your own business and just don't judge? You have NO IDEA what others may or may not go through! Walk a mile in someone else's shoes then maybe you can just get on with living your own life and leave others to do the same.

@hereyehearye

If anything this thread is proof positive that people who've been divorced twice should be judged harder, not less.

The typical story seems to be 2x abusive relationships, then finally marrying the white knight who comes to save them. We're supposed to feel this is a happy ending?

But who bore the scars of those terrible abusive men? Their children. So after putting their children through an awful abusive childhood, these women don't even have the decency to safeguard their inheritance. No they immediately hand it away to the first non obvious twat who buys them a bunch of flowers then run back down the aisle to play the virgin bride. Disgusting.

The problem with being a "romantic" and "loving love" is the poor children who have to live with the disrupted and unstable childhoods but it doesn't surprise me that people who have had three, four, five marriages fail are inherently selfish. These women only care about themselves.

That's a really spiteful post. About women who have been through terrible fear and pain.

Some of the attitudes on here are sad in that they evidence a desperate need for peoples own choices to be what validates them. I find it unutterably sad that several posters are so desperate to insist the lack of validity if third or even second marriages. I would bet my last whatever that these are people who either have stayed in unhappy marriages and are desperately justifying it by putting others down or that they are so unhappy they can only find that they are married for the first time to be their only redeeming factor that they can see about themselves and cling on to it to prove that they are a worthy person.

Its irrelevant in my case what people think about whether I do or do not marry for a second time with my DP. I simply don't care about anyone elses opinion

But
I've known a couple of people who married young and unknowingly ended up in an abusive situation, for some of these disgusting comments about second or third marriages not mastering, if they have got away from someone abusive and found real love somewhere else , how absolutely dare someone judge that because of a vacant need for validation for themselves. No . It is just not on.

If you define yourself as successful by still being in a first marriage you do not have the right to judge anyone elses circumstances so harshly. I admit I've at the odd situation but I admit that's my crap and noone elses.

Some of these replies simply show the posters to be sad empty unhappy people. Thank any deity going that I am a grumpy old woman who does what I like when I like but God knows there are enough women who this sort of comment would devastate. What on earth is wrong with some people that their need to fill a hole in themselves by putting down others seems acceptable. Good God I despair of human beings sometimes I really do.

Finally sod the tradition aspect. I will never forget my grandmother , seemingly the image of respectability and tradition (married at 22 stayed with my grandfather until he died in his sixties ,literally the postercild of WI twinset and pearls...seriously she was the hea dog her WI) was vocal to her granddaughters never to judge anyone else because you hadn't lived their life , she was in awe of single mums because they were superheros Nd of women who had the courage to walk away and stand tall if the marriage was unsuitable.

The woman seemed the definition of tradition and actually taught me some of the most useful and amazing lessons in letting others be whatever was right for them. She would be ashamed of some women's comments on here.

First marriage ended after DH1 became abusive. Second marriage (tiny registry office thing) ended when DH2 died suddenly.

If I was lucky enough to get another chance at long term happiness and stability I'd take it and after the whole widowhood thing I think I'd be so damn elated that I might well make a big deal of it.

@Mommabear20

If both previous marriages ended in the death of your partner then fine, but personally don't agree with divorce then remarrying. Vows mean something to me and if you break them once, you'll do it again

Ultimately if the other person is adamant they are divorcing you then you have no say over those vows being broken or not.

I’d wonder why they bothered if someone in their 20s was on their third marriage but think nothing of it for someone older.

My gran was married 5 times, never learned her lesson.

I am divorcing and if I were to marry my DP would be his third wife. I don't want to be the third Mrs X (4th if you count his mother!) so will probably not marry him. I know he loves me but I would feel that people were looking at us saying "it won't last".

*It would never occur to me to judge someone on this! I love weddings and all the fun, the dress, the cake etc. I’d be happy for them.

Unless they didn’t invite me. The cake hogging bastards.*

It would depend on who they were and why- I do think some people act in haste and repent at leisure but sometimes life is very cruel. My bf at school had a "much married" mother on paper who appeared to have done well out of her trips up the aisle. In reality she'd walked out on her abusive first husband and then been widowed twice over thanks to cancer. Both lovely men and I'm sure she'd have stayed with either for life had illness not intervened. I think she currently has a long term partner/common law husband but hasn't remarried, so she's effectively on "number four" - because that's life. She taught me not to judge til you know the facts.

I'm twice married, twice divorced.

Yes, I am the common denominator. And yes, in that respect, I AM the problem.

I am the problem in that I was brought up to view men as more important than me, to believe their feelings to be more important than mine, to understand that I should be grateful if a man wanted to marry me. I was brought up to believe that sex was 'nasty', and women who indulged in it for enjoyment were a bit 'slutty'.

I was also sexually abused by my eldest brother when I was 10. So it's no wonder, really, that I never really fancied any men- I didn't think I was 'allowed' to feel that emotion.

I married two men who were similar types- although the second was a big improvement on the first. Both were mummy's boys and I exhausted myself looking after them- only to have them treat me as their housekeeper with added benefits.

Luckily, with age came some wisdom. And with that wisdom came the ability to value myself. And when that came- so did the relationship I never dreamed I'd be able to have.

I've been with my DP for four years. We might marry, we might not. It's no longer that important to me- I know he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And I him. But if we do decide to get married, we will. And we'll do it any damned way we choose.

Fortunately for us, we don't know any narrow-minded, unimaginative, unsympathetic people, so would invite our friends and family to celebrate with us, secure in the knowledge that they wouldn't dream of judging us poorly.