To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

Yes, you can have a happy life.
You will need to live well within your means for a while, but you can do it. Might be worth heading over to money saving expert or talking to citizens advice to make sure you are doing everything you can to deal with your debt. Once you have done that you will have learnt some really good strategies for a financially secure future.

You have a good relationship and a child, you are already living a good life by most people's standards. Not to make you feel guilty btw, you sound totally depressed which obviously skews your outlook.
You are both young, make a plan to clear the debt and you could have your own place in a few years. Check out Debt Free Wannabe board on MSE website for support and inspiration. Best of luck!

A child needs love not a designer lifestyle, so if you think about simplifying your lifestyle and think about what is important and work with that then you might get some contentment

Money saving expert forum has so many great tips.

Make sure any debt is on interest free or as lower interest as possible. Check your credit rating too.

You will get there and it sounds like you are taking sensible steps.

Talk to stepchange. You don't even need to talk to them you can do it all on email. They will speak to your creditors if needs be and help with a budget.

If you need to spend money to portray a lifestyle you can’t afford, then no, you’re not going to be happy (or you will, but you’re debt will increase).

You’ll need to seriously rein in your spending and live a much more modest lifestyle than you have been doing.

When you say your “son comes first”, that sounds rather like you’re planning on transferring the profligate spending on yourselves to profligate spending on your son. Children need very little to be happy, don’t fall into the trap of trying to keep up with the Joneses and portray a lifestyle you can’t afford through your son.

Stay change will not help as you have enough money, and money left over, to pay your debts and afford luxuries. They may offer to take one big payment every month and then split it between your creditors but that will be it.

And you are being ridiculous. Of course you can be happy. It's stupid and short sighted to say otherwise. You are paying today price for yesterday's luxury. There is a very important lesson to be learned here.

Get over to money saving expert. They will help you make a plan and you can have massively reduce your debts within 12-18 months by throwing every spare penny at it.

As others have said reach out and get some help. The earlier you tackle this the better. You can do this.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

Your husband needs to be paying half the childcare costs - that isn’t solely your responsibility.

While you might only have £200 a month left now, that’s £200 you wouldn’t otherwise have, and would probably be spending more if you were out with your son more.

Being in work now also sets you up for the future. When you’re able to work full time again you’ll be in a much better position than someone who is only just returning to work after several years off. You’ll also be making pension contributions will will help when you’re older. If you like a showy lifestyle you’re going to need a lot more than state pension!

Hi - you need to take control and start looking at how you get the debt down. I think there are debt advisers that can help.

Have you got a priority list - so which debt has the highest rate of interest and can you prioritise one at a time to pay more than then the interest?

I was in a mess at age 35 and had a £10 grand credit card debt and was only paying the interest. My credit rating was awful. Barclay card offered an interest free swap for a small fee. I discarded this as I didn't want to pay the fee but the fee was the same amount as one months interest so I did the swap and started paying down the balance.

Next stop saving for a mortgage and thanks to gov scheme help to buy we bought at 39.

Also look at Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps.

You can do this.

I can’t believe how much of that post was about money 🙈 I fully understand the chronic stress of surviving capitalism but don’t go to sleep at night until you’ve written down everything that made you smile or gave you warm fuzzies during the day

Yes, another one saying get yourself over to the MSE forums. Not only will they give you great advice and support but you can read the diaries of people who have dug themselves out of mountains of debt and the most precarious situations.

Feelings of hopeless can also be a symptom of depression, is it possible that you’re depressed again? It might also be worth asking your GP for some support.

Were you happy, living that former lifestyle? If you were, then get your priorities right and stop focussing on short lived, consumer pleasures.

If you weren't, then you've lost nothing.

Never been in debt, but have lived fairly frugally for last few years to save for house deposit (which covid has now chipped away at due to partners business suffering over lockdown, oh well, money comes and goes).

I pamper myself a lot at home:

• Bath with cheap bubble bath.
• Hair masks (buy when on offer, or just leave regular conditioner in for a couple of hours).
• Regular pedicures: soak my feet in a washing up bowl (don't use it for actually washing up , sand them down with a scholl electric foot file (19.99 from Amazon), paint my nails with a nice dark red (had the same bottle from Maybelline for at least a year, £2.99), cover in cheap moisturiser and pop socks on.
• Consistent skin care routine: in evening cleanse with micellar water by garnier (often on offer for £1) and nourishing cleanser by No7 (often on 3 for 2 offers), slather on nightcream. SPF 50 every morning (lots of cheap brands to choose from), with a bit of BB cream, blusher and mascara.
• DIY dermaplaning every couple of weeks with eyebrow razors (£3 for 3 of them from boots etc) and veet miraculous oil (think it's about £6 but it lasts forever).
• The ordinary AHA 30% + BHA 2% peeling solution is amazing, about £6 and lasts for ages, use it every week or so.
• Bought some hairdressing scissors from Amazon for about a tenner and learned to cut my own hair from YouTube. Took a few goes to get the hang of it, but if you have long hair it's fairly easy to do.
• Dye the greys with loreal casting creme gloss (£6 per box) every couple of months.

I do pay to get my eyebrows threaded every few months, which is £8.

Your son won't want expensive things for a good few years, he'll be happy playing drums with saucepans in the kitchen and going for muddy walks for now.

Probably sounds twee, but try to appreciate the little things in life: make a list of something nice that happened at the end of each day. Something that isn't related to spending any money.

Exercise is really helpful for my mood, even just a 10 minute walk makes me feel better. Fresh air and it's free, luckily a few of my friends like walking so it can be a social thing too. I do yoga at home (YouTube, Yoga with Adrienne). I bought a mat and a couple of blocks and a strap for about £40 in total. Also have an exercise bike from Argos that cost £109.99. So about £150 total spend on my stuff for exercise, but it's an investment that will hopefully last a couple of years.

Oh op, as you are experiencing, it's very hard to be paying off money that you spent years ago but needs must. And yes of course you can get back on track. It will take consistent effort but you are young, you both have jobs, and you have earning potential. There's also a lot of help available on line. See
Christians Against Poverty you don't have to be religious to access their help. They will help you to consolidate your debt etc.

I think you need to tackle it like a building project, in that it becomes your priority and everything else goes on hold until you are well on your way to clearing your debt. Is your DH in board? I think you need to first establish how much you owe, and how long it will take to realistically pay off, and if you can make any more money or economies on your days at home with your baby? And then make a plan and a budget.

Don't make the budget too brutal or unsustainable though. The pot should have enough in it for the occasional hair cut. But at the same time , as long as you are both in work, Covid-19 is on your side because you don't need to spend money on socialising or travel and if you approach family now, you can tell them only to expect token presents this year as you are economising. Obviously it depends on your level of debt but I should imagine this is very much do-able!

Good luck!

Other than childcare, small children need not cost very much. Look at ebay/Freegle/charity shops for clothes (or you may have friends with older children who are happy to pass on baby clothes). Ditto for toys. So actually this is a great time to look at reducing spending. If you are determined to tackle your debt, then take the great advice you've already had on this thread, but don't fall into the trap that spending money on your son means he's having a great life. He will value your time and involvement far more.

A lot of colleges also have trainee hair and beauty salons where you can get cheap hair and beauty treatments.

It’s not that I’m terribly unhappy now, my son of course makes me very happy. But I do her really upset when I start to think about our financial situation and how it could affect him missing out. I know it all sound really superficial. Now I’ve written it out and re read my post.

I think you need to get over yourself a bit. You made bad choices, but you're still in a much better position than a lot of people.

You have a home.
You have a job, both of you.
You have a child, when you wanted one.
You can afford childcare and to work.
You can pay your bills and eat and take care of your child.

No, you're not doomed. Millions of people would kill to be where you are. Yes, you have debts but your did that to yourself and you can afford to pay them.
Buck up, get on with it and work out what you are going to do to make things better, if thats what you want.

Dave Ramsay is very American but using his seven baby steps is life changing. The most important thing is having an emergency fund available of £1000, so you literally spend nothing except bills and absolute necessities until you have it available. The idea is that the minute you start to claw yourself out of debt something always comes up (emergency travel/car breaks down etc.) but if you have that emergency fund available you don't have the worry.
You absolutely can get rid of your debt but you have to change your lifestyle and stop using credit cards for day to day spending. You've got a great opportunity just now because we are stuck in the house so theres no keeping up appearances. Your baby needs to be clean and dry...doesnt matter if his trousers are a bitty short or his jumper is a bit bobbly. We were left with no severance package and no income apart from my 2 day a week nurse salary for a family of 4 for 6 months this year and my newest son has had no new clothes at all, hes thankfully recieved many hand me downs.

Speak to PayPlan about a debt management plan.

I have historic debt too and I pay it off bit by bit with them. They get all the interest frozen and deal with all your creditors.

I managed to get a mortgage last year which absolutely astounded me.

There's always a solution 🙂

Of course you can have a happy life! You have a husband and child you love, you both work and earn enough to pay the bills and pay off the debts from when you chose to live beyond your means.

You just need to take control, budget and prioritise paying off the debts. It’s hard, I know, I’ve done it.

@CupidStunt2020

I think you need to get over yourself a bit. You made bad choices, but you're still in a much better position than a lot of people.

You have a home.
You have a job, both of you.
You have a child, when you wanted one.
You can afford childcare and to work.
You can pay your bills and eat and take care of your child.

No, you're not doomed. Millions of people would kill to be where you are. Yes, you have debts but your did that to yourself and you can afford to pay them.
Buck up, get on with it and work out what you are going to do to make things better, if thats what you want.

@CupidStunt2020

I know, you’re right, lots of people are worse off.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad about my own current situation just because someone else has it worse than I do.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

You are going to work for your pension and your employability in the future. I know it's hard to imagine now but in years to come you will care just as much about your son- and he will be of an age to notice if his mum can't get a job or is starving on a tiny pension. He doesn't notice much at the moment so prioritising clearing your debts now makes total sense. Get a debt management plan, remember your dh should also be contributing towards the childcare since it is equally enabling him to work, think of any penny you put into your pension or use to clear your debt as money invested in your ds' future.

There were times when I worked at a loss when dc were little. They didn't know. It's paying off now.