To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

@aceyace

it's very easy to set up a DMP

But doesn’t that ultimately lead to defaults? The creditors don’t have to agree to the DMP’s do they?

@bethany39

You need your brain's intuitive answer to being depressed about your debt to not be to buy yourself something to cheer you up.

I do spend to cheer myself up. I love buying things for my son. Not even for me.

I would recommend you find Dave Ramsey. There are multiple Facebook groups and he runs a podcast and a YouTube channel. His baby steps will help you get out of debt and start living your life. Can't recommend enough, and there are thousands of other inspirational people who have been where you are. Good luck x

@museumum

£200 / months is £50/week and you still have four days with your son - think of all that £50/week can allow you to do with your son that you wouldn't be able to with £0/week and seven days together. You can go to classes, cafes, the zoo, farm park etc etc. Without working you've got no disposable income to spend and seven days a week with your ds to entertain. I would definitely not say that it's not worth it!!!

This! It's miserable being stuck at home with a toddler when you can't afford to go out, even for a coffee, to relieve the boredom.

[quote Beeaaautiful]@bethany39

You need your brain's intuitive answer to being depressed about your debt to not be to buy yourself something to cheer you up.

I do spend to cheer myself up. I love buying things for my son. Not even for me.[/quote]
Do you mainly buy clothes? Toys? Do you spend online or in physical shops?

Is there an element of boredom because you are on mat leave and a lot of the activities you'd normally do with a baby aren't back up and running yet? I know I loved a wander round the shops with DS in the pram

What was your family like growing up? Did you have a lot spent on you as a kid? Not much at all?

15k can be sorted OP, are you still spending when you can't afford too? If so cut up your cards.
You have some behavioural issues towards money and spending that you need to address with some therapy.

[quote Beeaaautiful]@Hahaha88

You're saying you're "only" £200 a month better off working

I won’t be £200 better off. That’s all I will have left after nursery fees.

I will be bringing home less than I am now on SSP!![/quote]
But you only get SSP because you work.

@bethany39

Do you mainly buy clothes? Toys? Do you spend online or in physical shops?

A mixture of both toys and clothes.
It’s all been online shopping.

Is there an element of boredom because you are on mat leave and a lot of the activities you'd normally do with a baby aren't back up and running yet? I know I loved a wander round the shops with DS in the pram blush

We’ve been going to a baby sensory group once a week since September.
I don’t think it’s boredom when I spend.
I think it’s just a way of making myself feel better. But I also hate the thought of my son not having toys or enough clothes etc.

What was your family like growing up? Did you have a lot spent on you as a kid? Not much at all?

My mum was a single parent. She definitely tried her best. We always had lots of lovely things, but I remember my mum having to budget a lot. If we wanted something we always had to wait. We didn’t just get things.

You’d think this would make me realise and understand the importance of saving money; but I honestly feel like it’s the opposite.

In want to be able to buy things when I want them.
I know, I’m in this shit for my own stupid reasons.

@Caplin

are you still spending when you can't afford too? If so cut up your cards

I’m not spending on any credit cards, at the start of the year we cut them up.
We’ve been paying our minimum payments on them.

Stupidly I am spending any spare money we have left each month after each month.

I will buy DS clothes and toys, pay for our baby sensory class. Have a day out with DH and DS on a weekend.

I’m financially secure (relatively!) but don’t have a husband and child - I’d love to swap places ...

Money worries are horrible and drag you down: I’ve been in debt in my 20s as living beyond my means on low income. I broke that by cutting right back (no holidays, nights our etc for 2 years to get out of debt), saving like mad, not increasing my lifestyle when pay rises etc

Lived in a flat share til mid 30s, have had lodgers etc.

Unfortunately the only way to dig out of the hole IS to suck it up (& see if can increase earnings on side): it’s a problem you CAN make a dent in, & kids really dont care about money at a young age, they are not missing out

I think one thing that helps is find some friends who like yo save & swap tips - then you don’t feel left out

Loads of my friends buy second hand toys & clothes for kids etc and get bargain days out

No judgments from me, we've been in similar position, and for similar reasons. Your son is the perfect age to have a frugal couple of years as you are limited in what he needs, and also restricted in what you can do with Covid. Although it's pretty boring right now, we've benefitted from not having the usual lifestyle pressures like going out to a restaurant for a friend's birthday, my monthly coffee and cake with a colleague, cancelling our annual cottage weekend away with my family, which all add up. At the same time, working from home now saves us a fortune on travel so we've been lucky in that respect.

Get a Starling account, it's been life changing for us to get a handle on our spending. Once we realised where we were spending we now set aside (realistic!) small pots of money each month into spaces for things like kids activities, clothes, birthdays, car maintenance etc so we aren't just spending everything from one big pot. Once you get going it's really satisfying seeing how much more I can add at the end of each month.

We switched utilities and set a stricter grocery budget for our online delivery, with better meal planning so we don't waste food. We bought a chest freezer so always have something quick on standby like frozen pizza for days when we might have nipped for top up shops or take away. We also get milk delivered which is more expensive but again keep us out the shops.

We've always bought some second hand toys and clothes for the kids. Brands like Jojo bebe maman clothes on Ebay are great quality, then we sell on after use for almost the same price, or a bundle of clothes for a tenner on Gumtree are good for nursery or every day clothes.

For the debts we've done the snowball technique of tackling our smallest debts first, then you get the satisfaction of clearing it, plus you roll the money you would have put aside each month for the repayment onto the next debt.

So you ARE spending when you can't afford to. Min payments on your cards is not enough, and buying baby toys instead of making bigger payments is madness.

“My mum was a single parent. She definitely tried her best. We always had lots of lovely things, but I remember my mum having to budget a lot. If we wanted something we always had to wait. We didn’t just get things.

You’d think this would make me realise and understand the importance of saving money; but I honestly feel like it’s the opposite.

In want to be able to buy things when I want them.
I know, I’m in this shit for my own stupid reasons.“

This totally rang a bell with me: we didn’t have much growing up and when I started earning I more than made up for it... focusing on what you will GET (in my case I wanted to buy a home) not what I went without got me past that

If home ownership is unrealistic can you focus on a different goal - eg buying your next car second hand with cash you’ve saved once you get rid of debt?

I’ve been made redundant before etc: knowing that you have enough to get through/peace of mind is SUCH a good feeling. I’ve been on both sides and now I get a lot of peace from living below my means

@Beeaaautiful

From your most recent posts it sounds like this thread is starting to make you really think about, and understand, why you have the attitude to money that you do. And that's a good thing. the next step is to think about what your priorities really are, and need to be.

If you're concerned about DS missing out on things, then now is absolutely the time to get yourself straight. He's 10 months old, give or take. As long as he's warm, he doesn't care whether he's dressed in Baby Gap or third hand from a charity shop. If you're spending a lot then you're spending it for your sake, not his.

You still feel, despite your circumstances, that you have to spend, spend, spend (Stupidly I am spending any spare money we have left each month after each month.). I'm sorry to be blunt, but there are a lot of people in worse debt than you who don't have any spare money any month. You do have a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's much brighter than some people's.

So think about the long term - where do you want to be financially in the future? Because if you want to be able to spend, and give DS nice things, and not have a significant chunk of your income going on card repayments, then the sooner you take the short term hit, the quicker you'll get there.

@Beeaaautiful: I was about 27-29 when I sorted Myself out, then took a few years to save to buy a home. I had 10k debt, earning about 40k, took 2 years to get rid of

You’ve got loads of time to sort this out, especially as 2 of you. Try to increase your earnings though : 30-40 is really important in setting lifetime earnings

*Don't use your child and the little monetary needs they have as an excuse to not seriously tackle your issue of debt

It’s hard because I want him to have nice things. Not even for me

This sort of attitude is ridiculous. You can’t afford “nice things” for him because you overspent buying “nice things” for yourself.

Your son doesn’t even care what he has. You’re buying nice baby things for yourself, to portray an image you can’t afford. It is all a self-indulgence that you can’t afford.

You need to work on finding ways to be happy that don’t involve spending lots of money. Do you use social media? Is it worth giving that up, if seeing other people living luxury lifestyles is leading you to overspending?

I have to say I read the post and thought that you're very fortunate:

• You have a lovely child
• You have a wonderful husband
• You earn enough money to have something left over after childcare (a lot of people only break even)
• Your debt didn't come from bad life events but from good experiences you paid for

It is manageable to get on top of this and become debt free. However, it will be a long, hard road to get there and will require some sacrifice. Unfortunately this is one of the problems with credit and spending beyond your means. I am not going to repeat the advice to get rid of debt as plenty of posters have done that. In a few years time you could be in a completely different place financially and it will all be worth it.

I apologise if it's a little harsh.

i haven't read the full thread but here's what im doing..
i have a full monthly budget with all out goings for bills, i budget our food bill and thats all i can spend, i meal plan and shop online to keep in that budget.

I have sold stuff i no longer need or use (the cash is better than having it sitting around doing nothing)

i skim my account daily and put that change in a separate account,

when i have a few mins spare do do surveys.

at the end of the month all the skim and money from surveys and selling goes in 1 pot, it then gets divided into 3, 2 lots go in emergency funds and 1 goes as an additional snowflake credit card payment.

i am doing a debt avalanche, i am paying off my biggest debt first then when that's done i will put all of the money i was paying to that debt into paying the next one along with the payments that were already being made.

Can’t believe you’re simultaneously complaining about lack of funds and sniffing at getting £200 extra each month!! £200 buys quite a lot of stuff.

You can resolve this. You need to continue to repay the debt until it is gone. I understand that this can seem like a huge mountain but you can do it. You can then start saving for a deposit.

As others have said, the Debt Free Wannabe section of Money Saving Expert is full of posters in a similar or worst position than you. There are also lots of expert debt advisors on there - they will ask you to fill in a Statement of Affairs which lists all your debts, loans APR's and bills plus income and will be able to hopefully come up with a solution that won't ruin your credit rating further going forward.

@Lindtballsrock

Can’t believe you’re simultaneously complaining about lack of funds and sniffing at getting £200 extra each month!! £200 buys quite a lot of stuff.

£200 buys a lot of stuff... or can be used to off another £200 of debt - the OP doesn’t need encouragement to spend money!

OP, what do you think your mum would have felt about having an extra £200 a month? Would she have sniffed at it and acted like it was beneath her, or would she have been grateful for it?

There’s no point dwelling on what you should have/could have done. Try to enjoy what you do have now, a healthy child, a good marriage, a roof over your head & a job. The 4 major things in life that actually matter & some never have. The Country is in a mess & thousands are dying so please try to see that yes money & debt is very very stressful, but you made your bed, enjoyed your twenties & sounds like you had a good time & good memories. Now you have to focus on paying back for those good times by cutting your cloth accordingly. Budgeting. Saying no. Buying cheaper. Being shrewd. Changing your spending habits as you can’t keep them up.

Every single parent who has children in childcare has questioned ‘is there any point in going to work to pay for childcare’. We are all in the same boat. The answer is yes. Yes, so that you can continue to work & provide for yourself & your child. Did you not think about that before you planned a child? It sounds like you need to give a lot more thought to financial decisions. When I say you, I mean your DH too. Where does he come into all of this?

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling down too. Is this since having a baby? May be worth talking to your Dr/Health Advisor.

Sorry if I sound harsh but the reality is you had good times when a lot of us have gone without & scraped the pennies together to enable to save for a deposit

Yes you can. Your bad credit rating will go 6 years after your last problem and if you keep paying everything off it will improve. That's not forever.

In the meantime you need to earn more money. However you can. I personally favour going for well paid careers (and before I get any facetious replies I have no degree. And no particular experience). So this means avoiding 'women's jobs'. For example I was in sales. Started in advertising (hard but good training) briefly before getting a break in tech - commission only but for a proper company in a proper office. Most of my colleagues were male hence we were well paid and well treated by company, You can sell medical stuff or stuff to cosmetic clinics and get paid bugger all and treated like shit or sell IT (working your way up) and get paid a lot.

So all jobs need training on the job and the more you put in the more you get out. Pick one that had relatively low barriers to entry (IT had many levels. There are people making 7 figures and people starting out) and avoid any jobs where your customers are only the public, or where your colleagues are mostly women.

Start where you can but look for the next opportunity- don't stay in the same role once you are good at it. It depends what you're interested in and what your attitude to different kinds of work is. I'm quite extrovert and not scared of much. And I get bored so it suited me. I don't do it now but it was good to me.

Or jobs where there's a mix eg recruitment/headhunting can be a joyless grind of placing poorly paid people or you can learn a market of people earning loads then you will.

If you want a nice lifestyle you need proper work. Not part time 'jobettes' that fit around the kids. Unless you have a rich husband or parents.

Then there's other things that don't pay that much but get you out of a hole. Dog walking, cleaning, babysitting, etc. Various admin jobs working from home (hard to find and poorly paid).

I know several people (women) who wanted to have 'portfolio careers' as they were sick of working. A bit of marketing maybe, a little business as well. Part time, lifestyle. They are all broke AF now. They didn't take anything seriously enough and didn't want to do the uncomfortable stuff. I have a business and it's difficult. You need good staff or a great business partner. It's hard work and requires a lot of boring shit (as you can see I'm replying here instead of doing it!)

Then there's the unicorn career. Selling stuff on eBay or amazon. Multi level marketing. Picking stuff up at car boot sales and selling it online for a profit. Social media influencer (ive has hundreds apply for a job where only a time bit is SM). Literally everyone wants to do it. Almost no one suceeeds and frankly if you are that determined and business minded you would do a lot better in a normal business.

So here's the thing. The nice or glamorous jobs don't pay and are hard to get because everyone wants them. Never follow the crowd if you want money. Go where people aren't. Or at least where there's some kind of gap - dog walkers and dog boarding will be doing well soon. If you're a doggie person you can make £25-30 per night plus walks. Or £10 a walk. Take several dogs out and it's potentially £200 a month (one walk a day) cash. But you need a car/van and some training.

So yes your life can get much better but not if you do nothing,