To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

Agree with others that the big issue is that you equate spending money with having nice things and being a good parents.

My children are teens now, but when I ask them what they remember about when they were young children they say things like

• jumping on the duvet when I was changing the bed
• making dens with sheets and chairs
• splashing in puddles and coming home and getting in an overly bubbly bath
• playing in leaves
• bedtime stories
• playing icecream vans in the park (there was an area of the playground that they decided was an icecream van and they always ran a pretend icecream selling game when we went there)

They scarcely remember any of the holidays we went on, and their favourite toys came from charity shops.

Their favourite Christmas tradition? Putting out milk for Father Christmas (still, even though neither have believed for many years).

Spot the common point in all of those? They cost little or nothing except time, patience and love.

@Beeaaautiful

It’s not that I’m terribly unhappy now, my son of course makes me very happy. But I do her really upset when I start to think about our financial situation and how it could affect him missing out. I know it all sound really superficial. Now I’ve written it out and re read my post.

You sound sensible and are able to analyse the problem, yet somehow you blanked out your debts from your mind for years like an inconvenient fact and carried on living as if they didn't exist.

I wonder if might be useful for you to look into why you thought like that and what went through you mind in order to prevent this happening again? You have a long enough haul ahead of you pulling yourself out of this and it would be sad to get into it all over again.

It sounds as though changing mindset is very important. This may sound geeky, but if you go on the MSE forum, especially the debt free wannabe board or the old style money saving board, being frugal/ more minimal can become a bit addictive and knowing you've saved money can become enjoyable in itself.

I wouldn't get a DMP for the sake of £15K. It's a piddly amount of credit card debt to trash your credit rating for if you're hoping to apply for a mortgage anytime in the next decade. It's pretty clear that you just need to stop blowing money on crap to cheer yourself up and use it to pay down the debt instead. You could speed that up by using some of the moneysaving or moneymaking tips pp have given you, but what you really need to do long-term imo is to look at your inner life and address the issues that are making you feel you need cheering up the whole time. I don't think this is really about money, which is why your OP references happiness, not debt.

@Lindtballsrock

Can’t believe you’re simultaneously complaining about lack of funds and sniffing at getting £200 extra each month!! £200 buys quite a lot of stuff.

@Lindtballsrock

Can’t believe you’re simultaneously complaining about lack of funds and sniffing at getting £200 extra each month!! £200 buys quite a lot of stuff.

Omg! For you and anyone else that needs me to clarify this (again)

I will not be getting an extra £200 a month.

When I return to work, after nursery costs I will only be bringing home £200!

At the minute my income from SSP is around £500.

When I to work our income going to reduce by £300 compared to what it is now!

I won’t be getting an extra anything..

You definitely need to change your attitude to spending. Work out a small proportion that you will keep for luxuries, agree it with your partner, and spend that guilt-free. The rest of your money, use it bit by bit to pay down the debt. Tick of targets as it's getting smaller each month, give yourself a pat on the back. This is your gift to your son, you are gifting him a secure future. It's a far better gift than a new toy.

Learn to enjoy cheap and free things in life. No young kid needs loads of stuff. They need a safe home, attention, little trips locally to see the autumn leaves or play with friends, and love. Love is not gifts and new toys, love is singing silly songs with them, making their favourite food for tea.

But don't beat yourself up. You've made some mistakes, but presumably also had some fun with the money you spent! You've learnt from it and can now make better choices. And you're young enough to turn this around, with persistence.

The good news is that you are well positioned to teach your son about budgeting and living within your means. It is an important life skill and one I am very glad my parents taught me.

When he is a bit older, your childcare costs will be lower and you will be able to pay down the debt more quickly.

There are lots of resources out there about strategizing how to pay off your debt. You don’t want to service accounts at random, you need to pay attention to interest and fees. Study up and make a plan. You can do this. It will take time, but it will happen.

So is that £200 per month disposable income, or needed for essential things?

Have you had any advice about the best way to pay off your debts OP? Paying the minimum payment on your credit card each month doesn't sound like a good idea, could you do a balance transfer to a 0% one?

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

So is that £200 per month disposable income, or needed for essential things?

Have you had any advice about the best way to pay off your debts OP? Paying the minimum payment on your credit card each month doesn't sound like a good idea, could you do a balance transfer to a 0% one?

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

It will be needed for essential things.

Neither of us can get credit right now. We’ve tried.

[quote Beeaaautiful]@Caplin

are you still spending when you can't afford too? If so cut up your cards

I’m not spending on any credit cards, at the start of the year we cut them up.
We’ve been paying our minimum payments on them.

Stupidly I am spending any spare money we have left each month after each month.

I will buy DS clothes and toys, pay for our baby sensory class. Have a day out with DH and DS on a weekend.[/quote]
A day out can also be a cheap picknick and playing in the forest/ looking for shells on the beach. It doesn't have to cost money. You need to think long term, your child doesn't need expensive classes. Your child needs for you to get out of debt and save some money so you can pay for their braces later on, or help with uni costs, driving lessons or a house deposit. You have a funny way of thinking that spending money gives you happiness, but it's just a few minutes of it and then years of misery later on. Forget about the house for yourself at the moment, get out of debt and start saving for your childs future. They aren't going to thank you for baby sensory class when they need to borrow thousands for uni.

Your little boy won't remember or value any of the clothes or toys you are buying him now, you really are doing it for yourself. Chances are, he won't remember anything of this kind of thing for the next four or five years - RedskyatNight is absolutely right about the kind of things children remember - they NEVER have anything to do with the expensive designer clothes and toys, baby groups or softplay, but will have to do with things like paddling at the beach, playing pooh sticks, colouring in with Mummy.

The most important thing for you to do now is draw a line and move onward and upward. You don't want to spend the next 10 years in the same situation, and tbh, you don't have to, you can sort this.

Please don't continue with the minimum payments on your cards - they will just go on and on for years. Go on to MSE and use the tools there to work out how much interest you will be paying if you do that, and the huge difference it will make if you start paying over and above the minimum payments.

You could look at a DMP ( debt management plan).

Your credit rating would be terrible for the next 6 years, but the interest on your debts would be frozen and you can start again.

Look on Money Saving Expert as others have suggested. It really did save me when I discovered my partners secret debt.

I also found this post a little hard to read knowing the hardships of some people - who don't have a home, don't have a child, jobs or a lovely wedding.

I think your view of things is really distorted.

Very good post @MarriedtoDaveGrohl .

It sounds like you need a change in mindset.

Babies don't care if their clothes are a second hand bundle from eBay or designer. They also don't care if you bought used toys from Facebook or brand new from Hamleys. They are happy with free outings and reasonably priced food.

If you are very frugal now you can pay back loads of your debt before your child is old enough to want /need expensive things. Stop going to classes that are for your benefit rather than the babies. Direct it towards your credit cards so that in a few years when he's old enough to remember and enjoy experiences, you can do expensive things like take him on holiday. Paying the minimum only will mean never paying it off and you risk passing on the attitude that the key to happiness is buying stuff.

Also have a think of free/cheap ways that you can cheer yourself up. Buying stuff might make you happy short term but it's stopping you from achieving long term goals like buying a house.

Have you written down a budget?
Do you know your monthly commitments?
Plus annual costs such as Christmas, insurance etc.
You don't have car costs which is a big bonus.

It would help you enormously to do this exercise to see exactly what 'disposable income' you have each month.

Then you can decide how little you can survive on from this disposable income to spend on fun stuff. And the remainder goes straight to one of the debts. If and when your income rises, put the excess to debts rather than treats. Once the debts are all cleared, the money you were paying to them goes into savings for a house deposit.

£15k could be reasonably quickly sorted in your situation.

In 5 or 10 years time, do you want to look back with delight at the great outfits and toys DS had when he was tiny? Or be proud of how you scrimped to clear debts and got your family into financial stability?

Right, I think people are reading it as £200 will be disposable income per month, which sounds fairly decent.

Have you made contact with any debt charities? You could do with some expert advice to come up with a sustainable plan to get out of your current situation and will probably feel a lot better once you can see a clear path. A debt management plan sounds like it would be a good idea for you (though I'm no expert). Have a look at step change.

To everyone saying a DMP, will the OP actually qualify - they have enough money to service the debts so not sure - although it would still be worth contacting one of the debt management charities to see if they can give you some advice.

I also recommend Stepchange. They are brilliant. 8 years ago I got myself into a mess with debts. All my own fault, trying to keep up with my much more successful friends lifestyles!

Anyway. I have been on a Debt Management Plan with them and they have been fantastic. I've managed to pay off nearly 15k in debt without any hassle and only with what I could afford. I have been able to live my life, including have a baby while paying off my debts. When I went on maternity leave they were fantastic and helped me reduce my payment so I could keep paying off my debts but still live.

I'm a different and more responsible person and feel so excited to be finally debt free at the end of this year.

Call them or go on their website. They are brilliant and never judgemental. If you want to hear more success stories then look them up on trust pilot.

Omg! For you and anyone else that needs me to clarify this (again). I will not be getting an extra £200 a month. When I return to work, after nursery costs I will only be bringing home £200! At the minute my income from SSP is around £500. When I to work our income going to reduce by £300 compared to what it is now! I won’t be getting an extra anything..

When your SMP stops you’ll have nothing. Going to work means you’ll have £200 a month extra.

Or don’t go to work and earn nothing. It’s entirely up to you.

Your attitude seems to imply that you are owed a fancy lifestyle, and despite having a home, husband, child and job you still seem to think that you deserve more, without earning it. I think that is the source of your unhappiness.

@Gazelda

Have you written down a budget? Do you know your monthly commitments? Plus annual costs such as Christmas, insurance etc. You don't have car costs which is a big bonus.

It would help you enormously to do this exercise to see exactly what 'disposable income' you have each month.

Then you can decide how little you can survive on from this disposable income to spend on fun stuff. And the remainder goes straight to one of the debts. If and when your income rises, put the excess to debts rather than treats. Once the debts are all cleared, the money you were paying to them goes into savings for a house deposit.

£15k could be reasonably quickly sorted in your situation.

In 5 or 10 years time, do you want to look back with delight at the great outfits and toys DS had when he was tiny? Or be proud of how you scrimped to clear debts and got your family into financial stability?

I do a spreadsheet each month. Everything goes on there. It calculates our disposable income.

This month we had £450 That’s after all of our financial commitments, including food shopping.

Out of the £450 we put £250 into our premium bond account (for Christmas)

£50 was budgeted for DS clothes as he needed a winter coat & gloves.
He also needed new sleep suits and vests.

We went pumpkin picking last weekend and budgeted £30 for it. (cost of going plus buying a pumpkin and then we got coffees and sandwiches)

We’ve budgeted £30 to take DS to see the Blackpool illuminations next week.
DH has a petrol card so we don’t have to pay fuel, the £30 is just for us to go and allows for food or drinks.

So that left us with £90 “spare” which we’ve just left in our joint account and spend as we go.
So if we run out of milk or bread etc.

I know people will jump on me now and tell me I shouldn’t be going pumpkin picking or to illuminations.
But we have to have some enjoyment on a weekend as a family.

bit Doom & Gloomster, OP!

None of your problems can't improve.
None of them is so important that they should stop you being happy now.

So much of OP is about money that I wonder if you're expecting too much that money/things are what makes people happy, OP. Yeah I know debt sucks, but I sense you'd spend more now if able, coz you think spending is what makes people happy. Having a plan to reduce the debt AND a plan how to live within your means going forward would make you feel much more in control of your life.

The OP doesn't need a DMP if they can meet their basic bills etc and minimum credit card repayments. It won't be accepted anyway.

They just need help with prioritising and shifting things around a little. If they are paying £700 pm and are £15k in debt, they should be free in a couple of years or so if they can shift the debt onto interest free cards and/or cut back a little.

The OP hasn't said what they're spending on what and it could well be that there is some slack in the system, but they first need to look at their budget and get independent advice from either Stepchange or the MSE debt free wannabe forum at least. Or post on here.

OP, have you done things like switch your gas and electric and broadband to a cheaper supplier etc? What about paid TV? People spend loads on that and you really don't need to any more. Same for mobile phones - you can save loads by going sim only and buying a phone outright rather than paying £35+ pm to spread the cost of an expensive phone.

They also need to look at how much their company cars are costing. Sometimes it's hundreds of pounds a month in tax and private use contributions. Unless its a compulsory essential part of your job and tied to a good salary, I'd really think twice about having one, especially if you're having money difficulties. It could well be cheaper to run your own old car and let your work provide a pool or hire car when you need one.

@MaskingForIt

Your attitude seems to imply that you are owed a fancy lifestyle, and despite having a home, husband, child and job you still seem to think that you deserve more, without earning it. I think that is the source of your unhappiness.

I definitely don’t think I’m owed a fancy lifestyle. More than I feel a bit worthless without one.

I guess I’ve always just not felt good enough in some way so spending and doing nice things has always given me that feeling that I’m as good as everyone else doing nice things.

Having DS has change my perspective on that. But I’m in this mess now and need to get out of it.

*Omg! For you and anyone else that needs me to clarify this (again)

I will not be getting an extra £200 a month.

When I return to work, after nursery costs I will only be bringing home £200!

At the minute my income from SSP is around £500.

When I to work our income going to reduce by £300 compared to what it is now!

I won’t be getting an extra anything.. confusedconfused*

And if you decide not to go back to work, which is seems you want to go for, you'll be short that 200 a month. So yes it's is 200 a month better off in work than not working why can't you see that