To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

You sound really overwhelmed and down. We've all been in this situation. Having babies and toddlers is hard in regards to working and stuff. This is why I have stayed home. Because my money would have been paying for nursery. Then the added stress of sick days etc. If you can manage of your partner's wage would it be worth staying home for another year or so? I appreciate you have money worries though and in that regard, I'm presuming all money helps?

I don't think mums get enough support in the first three years of motherhood. It's such a catch 22 for people in low paid jobs. Nursery fees are steep. Child minders are often a tad cheaper though. So perhaps look into that too.

You are in the absolute thick of it right now. My daughter is 5 and my sons coming up three. So whilst I'm still in the toddler stage, I'm moving out of the sleepless nights and full on watching every move they make stage. It just gets easier as they get older.

In regards to how you feel right now. Trust me I understand. 2020 has put a wonderful spin on everything. Having a baby this year is different from other years. It's harder. There's less support and less opportunity to mix. It's hard to relax and go out. So there's lots of difficulty surrounding that. I feel for new mums. I have also struggled with my son not being able to do what his sister did at this age. I feel abit robbed.

Do not pick on yourself about your weight. Eat well. Have a treat still and get out for walks. The rest can wait whilst you feel so overwhelmed.

There is some cracking advice here!
When you say your in CC and loan debt and much are you actually in?
You need to have a chat with step change and make a plan to clear it!
I have a family member in a similar position to you, they live beyond their means, put everything they want on credit becauae they feel they feel like they deserve it, they have 3 children, in rented house and have no chance of saving or paying anything off because they won't change their lifestyle to sort it out.
If you want it sorted then sort it, be proactive and make a plan or otherwise put up with it and accept you won't be able to do the things you what because you can't manage your finances and spending well enough.

I literally live on £220 a month from PIP when I can’t earn money which was depressingly often this year, I get that our culture in the UK is oppressive and not child friendly but wtf. You do need a reality check in the most loving possible way.

I won’t be £200 better off. That’s all I will have left after nursery fees

And lots of people have less than that after nursery fees, sometime 0, sometimes a negative balance. But they do it anyway so that when the children are a little older they are not unemployed and lowered earning potential.
It's all about perspective.

Also if you still have good credit ratings, swap to cheaper interest deals so more of what you pay goes on debt reduction, not interest.

This is crucial as you could simply be marking time and not getting anywhere. Make sure you pay more than the minimum and keep the payment at the current level rather than letting it drop as the balance drops.

Finally, read up about the new persistent debt regulations, as it sounds like you might be in this position and they could help you get out of debt.

Have you tried applying for universal credit?? Might be able to get some help towards your childcare

@museumum

You need to do some work on your emotional relationship with money and spending

I agree. I think spending does improve my mood. 😕

@Littleposh

Have you tried applying for universal credit?? Might be able to get some help towards your childcare

@Littleposh

Have you tried applying for universal credit?? Might be able to get some help towards your childcare

We earn too much to qualify.

Snowball your debts - take the smallest one first and gradually pay that off (whilst keeping up the payments - minimum if necessary - on the others).

When that's gone, go on to the next smallest and repeat.

Nothing stays the same forever OP, you can change your financial circumstances.

Have you ever heard of Dave Ramsey? He’s an American financial advisor but have a look at some of his YouTube videos he has some amazing advice on how to become debt free and even an online course for financial freedom. It’s needs planning and dedication but you could within a set time frame if you both put your mind to it.

It is a really rough place. My spouse and I got out of debt this year, there were rough patches of feeling like we were failing for having not 'made it' in that aspect of our lives even when so many other areas were fantastic. It can be hard to see when so much involves money!

I agree with others that you need to get this organized. You have a year left on the loan. If when it's done you put that money towards the credit cards, how long will those take to pay off? There are loads of calculators online that can help you decide the order of what pay.

Another really American recommendation, but The Budget Mom on youtube, particularly her older videos on paying off debts, making a paycheck budget (rather than a monthly one, for many this will be the same but for some jobs or benefits, they may be weekly), making a net worth page with all the money and debts were really helpful for me in developing skills and a mindset for my finances & living happily with them while we worked through that.

Also, the 'Fun,Cheap, or Free' Jordan Page has some good budgeting and having fun on the cheap tips.

@Rightthen24

When you say your in CC and loan debt and much are you actually in?

It’s close to £15k

But you had shed load of holidays and weekends away by your own admittance. You cant spend and have all the luxuries and expect to own a house unless your both on brilliant salaries. You and dh chose not to knuckle down your lifestyle and live within means but continue to spend. You both need to get grip. Contact debt charities and sort the mess out now rather than lamenting and carrying on. You also need to makes sacrifices like going back full time to work.

I have a book I write everything down in.

I list every single bill down and write down along the line how much I need each month to pay that bill (even if it is a yearly bill I divide it by 12) then I write down how much I have paid towards that bill each month and how much is c/fwd to the next month etc.
I even put down £300 per year (£25 per month) on car repairs and £300 (£25 per month) on getting the vehicle through its MOT just to be on the safe side.
I go through the figures with a fine tooth comb every few months to see if I can get something cheaper.
Alway Shop around for house/car insurances and gas and electric prices.

Even things like your rent. Short term could you shop around to find something smaller and cheaper (friends moved into a 1 bed flat with 2 small children in a really grotty area when they were saving for a house deposit. They saved £600 per month + a lot of other things like council tax and lived their for a few years)
Whilst your little one is small they don’t really need much.

Normally I would suggest you both getting an evening job a couple of nights per week but the way things are now that is like a needle in a haystack.

I always think writing everything down at least you can focus your attention on what is needed.

I would also look at what you spend day to day. Keep all your receipts for everything each week for a month and see what you can save on. Even if it is making sandwiches at home for lunch or looking at Freecycle or eBay for baby things or anything really.

You can either tackle the highest interest rates first or the smallest amounts.

Me personally I like to tackle the smallest amounts as psychologically the less lines I have in my book is the less people I have to think about
Then I pay what I would normally have paid towards the payed off debt towards the next and then the next amount
The other way is to tackle the highest interest rate first. This costs less in the long run.
It depends what type of person you are. I just liked to see less lines in my book.
We got into problems after Ds was born as I lost all ability to think I even forgot how to make a cup of coffee let alone write out cheques and pay people.
Dp took over and just paid bills as they came in and didn’t look for cheaper alternatives. 2.5 years later when the fog lifted our outgoings were eye watering.
Within a day I had reduced our outgoings by £1000.
Even changed the mortgage.

Have one day per week when you have a little splurge within your budget or you do something together as a family that is free or really cheap.
It keeps you together and focussed on what you want to achieve.

Good luck. You will get there if you are both onboard.
It might take a bit of time but if you are both working and being really controlled with your spending then you should get their.
Also sell anything you don’t use anymore. Even small things.
Every Penny Counts.

It sounds like you're looking around yourself at the people you know, and concluding that you 'should' have this or that material thing or status, but I guarantee you that many of those people will also be strugging with debt, maxed out on credit cards, buying new cars on the never never, remortgaging their house to pay for their 'dream' kitchen or holiday. This is the way people increasingly live now, and it's a deliberate strategy to make consumer demand underpin the wider economy. But while it may have merit (well, arguably) in macroeconomic terms, it's a thoroughly toxic way to live your life as an individual. It makes us compare ourselves unfavourably to others, hanker after things we can't afford and make crappy long-term decisions in order to fuel our short-term desires. And we're conspired against not only by capitalist socioeconomic structures but also by our useless under-evolved monkey brains, which give us a socking great dopamine hit every time we blow a big chunk of money on something beautiful and self-indulgent. I think you are confusing this drug high with happiness and at the moment you're on a comedown.

It's not a judgement. We've all been there. But you're at a point in your life where the choices you make now will determine how things can unfold later. It's tempting to get defensive when some of the replies here are a bit blunt about your situation, but people are only trying to help you see that you are actually quite powerfully placed to choose your outcome.

Well life's one big lesson. What's done is done, now you have to work through it.

Prioritise making an appointment with stepchange. They can really help you.

Then you need to work on yourself and figure out why you prioritise titting about spending money you don't have over building a good life for yourself. Honestly, there's a lot of satisfaction on waiting and saving for something. And just saving in general so you know you have that cushion there already.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs
Fair enough, as long as you realize that babies don't need expensive clothes/shoes, tons of toys, baby classes, etc. Even day outs should be free - the baby will get the same out of a walk in the park as of a paying baby show. The baby won't care if the nursery is decorated or not. No need to buy 'baby snacks' or even baby food.

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

It sounds like you're looking around yourself at the people you know, and concluding that you 'should' have this or that material thing or status, but I guarantee you that many of those people will also be strugging with debt, maxed out on credit cards, buying new cars on the never never, remortgaging their house to pay for their 'dream' kitchen or holiday. This is the way people increasingly live now, and it's a deliberate strategy to make consumer demand underpin the wider economy. But while it may have merit (well, arguably) in macroeconomic terms, it's a thoroughly toxic way to live your life as an individual. It makes us compare ourselves unfavourably to others, hanker after things we can't afford and make crappy long-term decisions in order to fuel our short-term desires. And we're conspired against not only by capitalist socioeconomic structures but also by our useless under-evolved monkey brains, which give us a socking great dopamine hit every time we blow a big chunk of money on something beautiful and self-indulgent. I think you are confusing this drug high with happiness and at the moment you're on a comedown.

It's not a judgement. We've all been there. But you're at a point in your life where the choices you make now will determine how things can unfold later. It's tempting to get defensive when some of the replies here are a bit blunt about your situation, but people are only trying to help you see that you are actually quite powerfully placed to choose your outcome.

THIS. ^

Now is a good time to come off social media, before the Black Friday/pre-Christmas 'OMG look at my 1 yr old's insane present haul' posts start.

So look at it this way. Two more years (and it will go so fast). And you'll have pretty much paid off your loans. Just stop th spending and then when it's paid off you can spend within your means, save up for a deposit and eventually purchase your house.

Op, if your dc comes first you seriously need to concentrate on paying this huge debt so you can give him a decent life.

Young children cost very little, as long as they're fed, clothed, and have fresh air they're happy. There are loads of free activities and playgroups that cost no more than £1.

When DC inevitably become teenagers and young adults is when the real money is needed. Don't use your child and the little monetary needs they have as an excuse to not seriously tackle your issue of debt

@Oliversmumsarmy

I have a book I write everything down in.

I list every single bill down and write down along the line how much I need each month to pay that bill (even if it is a yearly bill I divide it by 12) then I write down how much I have paid towards that bill each month and how much is c/fwd to the next month etc.
I even put down £300 per year (£25 per month) on car repairs and £300 (£25 per month) on getting the vehicle through its MOT just to be on the safe side.
I go through the figures with a fine tooth comb every few months to see if I can get something cheaper.
Alway Shop around for house/car insurances and gas and electric prices.

Even things like your rent. Short term could you shop around to find something smaller and cheaper (friends moved into a 1 bed flat with 2 small children in a really grotty area when they were saving for a house deposit. They saved £600 per month + a lot of other things like council tax and lived their for a few years)
Whilst your little one is small they don’t really need much.

Normally I would suggest you both getting an evening job a couple of nights per week but the way things are now that is like a needle in a haystack.

I always think writing everything down at least you can focus your attention on what is needed.

I would also look at what you spend day to day. Keep all your receipts for everything each week for a month and see what you can save on. Even if it is making sandwiches at home for lunch or looking at Freecycle or eBay for baby things or anything really.

You can either tackle the highest interest rates first or the smallest amounts.

Me personally I like to tackle the smallest amounts as psychologically the less lines I have in my book is the less people I have to think about
Then I pay what I would normally have paid towards the payed off debt towards the next and then the next amount
The other way is to tackle the highest interest rate first. This costs less in the long run.
It depends what type of person you are. I just liked to see less lines in my book.
We got into problems after Ds was born as I lost all ability to think I even forgot how to make a cup of coffee let alone write out cheques and pay people.
Dp took over and just paid bills as they came in and didn’t look for cheaper alternatives. 2.5 years later when the fog lifted our outgoings were eye watering.
Within a day I had reduced our outgoings by £1000.
Even changed the mortgage.

Have one day per week when you have a little splurge within your budget or you do something together as a family that is free or really cheap.
It keeps you together and focussed on what you want to achieve.

Good luck. You will get there if you are both onboard.
It might take a bit of time but if you are both working and being really controlled with your spending then you should get their.
Also sell anything you don’t use anymore. Even small things.
Every Penny Counts.

@Oliversmumsarmy

Really Helpful. Thank you!

Another vote for StepChange male sure its the real website though as some sponsored websites have similar names and will charge you, it's very easy to set up a DMP and then you can concentrate on yourself... I have a free app called Noom and joined the UK Facebook group, very easy and am losing weight steadily

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

Don't use your child and the little monetary needs they have as an excuse to not seriously tackle your issue of debt

It’s hard because I want him to have nice things.
I think it’s probably stems from the way I was brought up.
We didn’t have a lot of money and I guess Instead of seeing that as a challenge to save, I went the opposite way and just splurged, even when I couldn’t really afford to.

Worth getting in touch with CAP. Christians Against Poverty. It is not an opportunity to preach their religion it is excellent domestic financial management training and advice. It is free and excellent quality help. I used it when I was in a difficult financial period and it helped enormously.

You're only 31 OP. You'd still be able to get a 25 year mortgage at 40!

The baby years are the most expensive because of childcare/related loss of earnings. On the plus side, he won't remember whether he was wearing a second hand ASDA vest or a designer one. Sit down and make a proper plan for all your incomings and outgoings and you'll probably find it's doable. It sounds like you're a bit more responsible with money now and so when you're eligible for 30h free childcare when he's 3 you'll probably find you do have enough to buy nice things sometimes and to save for a deposit.

But as PPs have said, this is about you changing your habits and emotional responses. You need your brain's intuitive answer to being depressed about your debt to not be to buy yourself something to cheer you up.