To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

Ps there's no need to go down a rabbit hole of arguing over second hand clothes. Personally, they're I've not had much luck with second hand clothes hunting, and the time it took didn't equate to clothes I wanted to wear. I did make sure I put money aside for clothes though and knew what that 'allowance' was - this naturally stopped my picking up random purchases. You may find you want to spend money on baby clothes but are happy to drop coffee's (magazines in my case) - it's saving money in the way that works for you. No need to get the proverbial horse hair short out!

Shirt! Although I am sure horse hair shorts are just as uncomfortable 🤣

I think it’s probably stigma from a council estate background where you go into charity shops when you’re in need and “hard up”.

I understand completely.

I get what you mean a bit- when I was a teenager I wouldn't have been seen dead in a charity shop. I remember being filled with shame because my mum bought me oxfam Christmas cards and I knew the girls in school would take the piss and I didn't want to be seen as scabby.

The funny thing now is that shopping second hand having a refillable water bottle and is probably a signifier of middle classness than anything else. My friends and I boast about the charity shop bargains we find and almost apologise if we end up having to buy disposable water. We are competitively eco friendly and anti consumption. It's definitely a bit performative.

We would definitely all buy second hand baby stuff and we pass it round between us. It's such a waste when they barely wear it. And it's much better on so many levels to get a really lovely second hand outfit from a friend/eBay than to spend the same on a cheap one from primark made from poor materials and in a sweatshop.

I would take a look at both yours and your dh’s credit report.

If you have any missed payments on there then it will be so much more difficult to get a mortgage. These usually drop off in 6 years so see how many months and years you have before your credit report is clear.

Use that as your timescale to get rid of your debt and save for a deposit.

I deserve charity shop clothes.

Today, I am wearing a Max Studio cashmere jumper (£3) with Per Una jeans (£2). Earlier on, I wore my M&S grey leather Chelsea boots (£4 with labels still attached) too. Damn right, I deserve cashmere and leather. I deserve not to pay through the nose for decent quality garments. I deserve to spend the money I have saved on clothes on other things.

Things end up in the CS because they are either too small/big or do not suit. Perhaps my boots were too 'clumpy' looking for their original owner, maybe the woman who donated my jumper couldn't be arsed with all the handwashing. None of it was 'shit' though (admittedly, M&S is not what it used to be...)

I need to tell you something else OP: I did have 'nice things' as a child. I never had any love, attention or kindness though. I would have happily gone without new clothes, pumpkins and illuminations had it meant feeling like someone gave a shit about me.

As from someone who has been your position and there is light at the end off the tunnel we've now this year payed off all our debts and now looking to the future, if you live in the U.K. you should go speak to a debt service like stepchange they are a charity that doesn't cost you anything and they will go through all the loans and credit cards and come up with a plan off action that suits you

OP I was in a similar situation, are you or your husband part of a credit union? I couldn't consolidate through the bank so I did it through them and it's helped me so much!

ah OP. when your child is so young and unaware of consumerism/advertisijng/pester power is the perfect time to get a hold on your spending habits - rather than justifying overspending relative to your means as its on activities etc "for him". Btw I'm not going to slate you for buying new clothes - I also grew up quite poor, and get that there's a confidence issue in terms of 2nd hand items. But at this age your child needs love and warmth and fun and calm far more than costly outings.

OP, this is the best time in your child's life to be saving money, your son has no wants or desires now and you could easily save a lot more than you do. He will not benefit from the illuminations or pumpkin picking or any days out as such at this age. The lunch out/coffees are so unneccessary. You will never get out of debt until you change your mindset. I would use your £250 Xmas budget on therapy instead, it will be a really good long term investment.

You can do this. You have cut up the credit cards and you have spoken to step change. They are both massive steps and they will help you.
My friend was in a similar position 4 years ago, she has now paid off all her debts and she is saving for a house deposit.
Good luck op

A child doesn't need a designer lifestyle and holidays away. He needs a stable home and a loving family. And it sounds like he's got that in bucketloads.

Yes, mistakes were made in the past, but that's been and gone now. All you can do is learn for the here and now.
I'm on a low income, but I manage. It's learning to be content with what you have.

Glad to hear you have spoken to Step Change. Wishing you success in making the changes you need for a happy future.

You don’t have to shop in charity shops or buy secondhand, and you can keep buying bottled water if it works for you (even if a water bottle would be better for the environment.)

You can keep putting money aside for treats - Blackpool illuminations or pumpkin picking etc.

It’s just choices, isn’t it? Whatever you choose to spend is money you can’t then spend on paying down debt.

You can’t get out of £15K of debt without choosing to spend some of your disposable income on paying for nice things you’ve already had in the past (debt).

If you don’t deal with what Past You spent, and think only about Present You, then Future You will always be stuck in this bad place.

Pick a credit card - either the one with the highest interest (most financially sensible) or the one with the lowest balance (most psychologically rewarding) and pay it off aggressively with every spare penny.

That £90 ‘spare’ - put £70 of it to the credit card, and put £20 in a separate savings account. Challenge yourself NOT to need extra bread and milk from it, try to stick to your budget. Rinse and repeat. If you do need extra bread & milk, take if off what’s available for trips out - now you’ve got £25 not £30 for the trip to see the lights. You can still have great memories you’re just watching the pennies. Eventually you end up with a small cushion of cash for the truly unexpected, and your credit cards are reducing.

OP, I think you have been open and honest on this thread and brave in looking at the reasons you are in debt.

Push the openness a bit further. As a PP said run with some of the ideas.

Thriftiness is a mindset. Once you get the habit you might enjoy “oooh, look how much I saved, look how much money I still have because of those savings “ as much as you enjoy ‘nice things’. I have done this with losing weight this year: a few difficult days changing my diet (aka eating less ) and now I really don’t miss the biscuits and ice cream because I get MORE satisfaction from ‘oooh, look I have lost another 500g’.

You unwittingly shoot yourself in the foot with your psychology: view the £200 salary : sahm surplus in comparison with how you will be if you don’t return to work, because that is the reality, rather than being in maternity leave. Your SMP will stop, so compare it to the real world as it will be in January. That’s why PP were saying ‘£200 better off’.... but you got irritated with them. That’s what I mean about being open. Also, the benefits of pension contributions, potential pay rises and promotion. Work benefits go further than your pay packet. Especially pension wise, getting the employer contributions and the tax contribution.

I never bought from charity shops but I loved the high quality hand me downs from friends and relatives - second hand Boden and Petit Bateau in such good condition way more than cheap stuff.

It’s a mindset.

Try it out....with food, clothes, everything. Good luck!

Might be worth speaking to the debt charity Step (change) the charity is really good at offering debt advice and support. Yes you can be happy to answer the question directly, it is just a question of getting the spending and debt back under control.

I'll start by saying I once had £90k of debt excluding my mortgage, 2 pre-school children, and a household income of under £30k. Most of it wracked up due to overspending, some of it due to a long term health issue of the only income earner in the household, some due to redundancy. So if I sound harsh, it's because I've been there, and it was a very similar attitude to yours that if I didn't keep spending the way I wanted to I was denying my kids memories, denying them the best etc.

I started watching financial youtubers and something clicked, I WAS denying my kids the best but I was doing it by spending all my money on toys and clothes and STUFF, rather than providing them actual security.

So we knuckled down for a bit (been about 3 years now), we took on extra work, husband sought promotions hard and has doubled his income in 2 years, I started side hussles, ended up making nearly 2x as much from the side businesses as we did from regular employment. We work hard now, where we used to do our 37 hours a week, we made our hobby the other business effectively. 3 years later not only is the debt gone (and we wouldn't previously have made that much after tax, let alone after living expenses) but our mortgage is paid off, we take 2 long haul holidays a year in normal times, and we're going to be sending the kids to private school at 11. There is absolutely no chance at all 3 years ago I dreamed I'd be in this position, none of it is luck, or skill, or being particularly well educated, it came down purely to graft to change our position in life.

No one was going to make it better except us, what I was telling myself I wanted (the stuff) was making me desperately unhappy as long term there was no plan, no one was going to make it better except me, no one was going to provide for my kids except me, so I had to shift my mindset and shift my perception of providing the best to the long term best. Short term pain (and it wasn't actually so bad!) for long term gain.

Stop spending money you haven't made yet (borrwing, debt). What if you don't make that money in the future to pay it back? You cannot guarantee your future income, only your current income. You may not be spending on them anymore but you are still in a negative position, the money coming into the house isn't yours, it belongs to those lenders, you're just choosing to repay it more slowly to continue the lifestyle you want (except from your posts, you don't want this lifestyle, you just don't know how to change it).

Get over your worries of how others will see you, how would I have any clue your Boden dress or Joules coat or whatever was second hand not brand new? I'd assume you were better off for wearing a well cut style than a supermarket garmet to be honest. You have the mindset that you're not good enough for good things, stop it. Everyone is worthy of what they can attain, you are better than cut price Asda food and primark fast fashion!

You don't have an issue with second hand, you're living in someone else's house right now and quite possibly your car wasn't new, so it's no different with clothes. Buying second hand is better for the planet, and it enables you to buy better quality for the same money. My current car would have been over £60k new, I bought it a year old for £38k. Do I begrude the car being second hand? No, I'm thrilled it's still great condition, reliable but I've just saved over 1/3 of the price. It's an extreme example but the same is true for clothes, toys etc. That cost difference is your future, if every time you wanted to buy the more expensive item or the new item and you rationalised and went down a grade, stuck that £1 or £10 or whatever off your debt, it would be gone in no time. Every penny adds up, my husband has a big 1.5 litre refillable bottles for work water, you could easily buy 2 bottles if on the go all day, fills from the tap, in the dishwasher each night, we've not bought bottled water in years.

You're not a snob for buying water, just not seeing the bigger picture. Each of these little things adds up to keep you trapped exactly where you are.

Pick 5 of your financial vices. So say bottled water just because you've mentioned it on here, say £50 a month on clothes, add it up over a year or over 5 years until you'd like to buy a house. Mine would be fizzy drinks, we spend about £1 a day. We used to spend closer to £6 buying more and buying on the go until we realised how much money was literally going down the toilet. If you cut out or cut down just those 5 things is your debt paid off? Do you have a house deposit? Small changes add up.

Speak to CAP or Step Change, get a plan in place, make a plan for what future you wants (house, holidays, car?) and work out how you're going to get there. You can 100% change your future, but if you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. So if you really want a better future for your child make a plan of how you're going to make that happen.

I’ve read your posts. There are clearly some complex issues around your relationship with money. It’s up to you how you want to deal with them.

But you have to decide whether you want to take the advice in this thread onboard. I am in very fortunate financial position due to careful budgeting and a well paid job. But I would dream of spending money like you do - fresh water bottle every day, coffee and cake when I’m out for the day - if I was in debt. These things massively add up. My only priority would be clearing the debt and building a debt free future. I’d also be looking for a second job, extending hours beyond 3 days per week, retraining.

You are living a lifestyle and making unnecessary choices you can’t afford.

I don’t think you have had your ‘lightbulb moment’ yet. Sorry it’s a term used on money saving expert forums for when it’s just not clicked yet. You do have to make some sacrifices for a short time to pay that debt of quickly.

Or you do what I did and spend years and year in nominal payments, consolidating and getting into more debt. It took me so long to pay it off and I’ve never had debt since. ( just mortgage) I had a great time spending money I didn’t have, but years paying it back on minimal disposable income with no wiggle room. Now I have a little more money, I don’t feel the need to spend it how I would of thought. I now love saving, but still love life and experiences too it’s now more of a sensible balance. I get to have weekends away or travel but I save for them.

There is some amazing advice on here. You might not like how some of it’s phrased but you seem to not want to listen. You have to WANT to do it, you don’t seem there. You want a ‘better‘ life, you could have more money in the long term if you sacrifice a couple of years of living on the cheap.
You can make lots of experiences with your son and husband for free or little money. Now is the time when you don’t need loads of money for your baby they are none the wiser for a good few years.

@VikingsandDragons

I'll start by saying I once had £90k of debt excluding my mortgage, 2 pre-school children, and a household income of under £30k. Most of it wracked up due to overspending, some of it due to a long term health issue of the only income earner in the household, some due to redundancy. So if I sound harsh, it's because I've been there, and it was a very similar attitude to yours that if I didn't keep spending the way I wanted to I was denying my kids memories, denying them the best etc.

I started watching financial youtubers and something clicked, I WAS denying my kids the best but I was doing it by spending all my money on toys and clothes and STUFF, rather than providing them actual security.

So we knuckled down for a bit (been about 3 years now), we took on extra work, husband sought promotions hard and has doubled his income in 2 years, I started side hussles, ended up making nearly 2x as much from the side businesses as we did from regular employment. We work hard now, where we used to do our 37 hours a week, we made our hobby the other business effectively. 3 years later not only is the debt gone (and we wouldn't previously have made that much after tax, let alone after living expenses) but our mortgage is paid off, we take 2 long haul holidays a year in normal times, and we're going to be sending the kids to private school at 11. There is absolutely no chance at all 3 years ago I dreamed I'd be in this position, none of it is luck, or skill, or being particularly well educated, it came down purely to graft to change our position in life.

No one was going to make it better except us, what I was telling myself I wanted (the stuff) was making me desperately unhappy as long term there was no plan, no one was going to make it better except me, no one was going to provide for my kids except me, so I had to shift my mindset and shift my perception of providing the best to the long term best. Short term pain (and it wasn't actually so bad!) for long term gain.

Stop spending money you haven't made yet (borrwing, debt). What if you don't make that money in the future to pay it back? You cannot guarantee your future income, only your current income. You may not be spending on them anymore but you are still in a negative position, the money coming into the house isn't yours, it belongs to those lenders, you're just choosing to repay it more slowly to continue the lifestyle you want (except from your posts, you don't want this lifestyle, you just don't know how to change it).

Get over your worries of how others will see you, how would I have any clue your Boden dress or Joules coat or whatever was second hand not brand new? I'd assume you were better off for wearing a well cut style than a supermarket garmet to be honest. You have the mindset that you're not good enough for good things, stop it. Everyone is worthy of what they can attain, you are better than cut price Asda food and primark fast fashion!

You don't have an issue with second hand, you're living in someone else's house right now and quite possibly your car wasn't new, so it's no different with clothes. Buying second hand is better for the planet, and it enables you to buy better quality for the same money. My current car would have been over £60k new, I bought it a year old for £38k. Do I begrude the car being second hand? No, I'm thrilled it's still great condition, reliable but I've just saved over 1/3 of the price. It's an extreme example but the same is true for clothes, toys etc. That cost difference is your future, if every time you wanted to buy the more expensive item or the new item and you rationalised and went down a grade, stuck that £1 or £10 or whatever off your debt, it would be gone in no time. Every penny adds up, my husband has a big 1.5 litre refillable bottles for work water, you could easily buy 2 bottles if on the go all day, fills from the tap, in the dishwasher each night, we've not bought bottled water in years.

You're not a snob for buying water, just not seeing the bigger picture. Each of these little things adds up to keep you trapped exactly where you are.

Pick 5 of your financial vices. So say bottled water just because you've mentioned it on here, say £50 a month on clothes, add it up over a year or over 5 years until you'd like to buy a house. Mine would be fizzy drinks, we spend about £1 a day. We used to spend closer to £6 buying more and buying on the go until we realised how much money was literally going down the toilet. If you cut out or cut down just those 5 things is your debt paid off? Do you have a house deposit? Small changes add up.

Speak to CAP or Step Change, get a plan in place, make a plan for what future you wants (house, holidays, car?) and work out how you're going to get there. You can 100% change your future, but if you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. So if you really want a better future for your child make a plan of how you're going to make that happen.

@VikingsandDragons

Thank you! Great advice.

You have the mindset that you're not good enough for good things, stop it.

I do. 😞 I don’t know how to stop, but it’s something I will work on.

@Pumpkinnose

But I would dream of spending money like you do - fresh water bottle every day, coffee and cake when I’m out for the day - if I was in debt. These things massively add up. My only priority would be clearing the debt and building a debt free future.

I know. You’re right.

But sometimes it just feels impossible and like we will never be free of the debt.
I feel like we will need to give up absolutely everything we do or like to do to enable to pay it all off.

I’ve spoken to Step Change and have been given some good advice too.

@ChasingRainbows19

There is some amazing advice on here. You might not like how some of it’s phrased but you seem to not want to listen.

There is some great advice, I am sorry if it’s some across as I don’t want to listen.
I do, I guess I have felt a bit defensive when other posters have accused me of being entitled of a snob.

That couldn’t be further from the truth!

I am really rooting for you now OP. You can do this xx

@pinkgreenblue

I am really rooting for you now OP. You can do this xx

@pinkgreenblue

I really hope so. 💕💕

I don’t think you are a snob OP. I do think you want the best of life for your family, not in designer clothes etc. But it’s ingrained in you to not have second hand clothes etc. To spend money on your son to give him the best life etc.

You need a mindset shift too, you’ll get there when you are ready.