To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

@Caplin

you might have to make tough decisions about maybe going back 4 days instead of 3

But this isn’t going to make much difference, it’s another days pay but it’s also another days nursery fee.
What I earn a day just about cohere the nursery fees.

My husband and I have shared money so we split all costs, but me working an extra day won’t make much of a difference as it just as an extra outgoing to the nursery.

£200 / months is £50/week and you still have four days with your son - think of all that £50/week can allow you to do with your son that you wouldn't be able to with £0/week and seven days together. You can go to classes, cafes, the zoo, farm park etc etc.
Without working you've got no disposable income to spend and seven days a week with your ds to entertain.
I would definitely not say that it's not worth it!!!

When you have a mountain of debt to clear it can be helpful to set manageable goals.

For example, if you owe £20,000 in CC debt, rather than sitting there thinking that it will take forever to pay it off, break it down. Aim to pay off £3000 by NY eve. Aim to hit the £10,000 mark by next May, that sort of thing. Reward yourself for achieving each goal (not by spending lots of money, obviously!)

I agree with others who have said that now is the time to make big cutbacks. Your son doesn't know you're in the debt, he has no understanding of the cost of anything. It's The perfect time to cutback and tighten the purse strings.

Without working you've got no disposable income to spend and seven days a week with your ds to entertain.
And all the cheap things are shut at the moment!

We won't be much better off (around £300pcm) when I go back to work but a positive will be that DS2 will be able to play with other babies at nursery (classes are running here but you have to stay apart on mats and adults wear masks).

@DaisyandRibbons

How long do you have left on your loans? Can you set a goal? If you have a plan you can get this paid off. Can you sell cars? Or give back hire purchase for something cheaper?

Another year.

We don’t own our cars, we both have a company car.

I know what you mean. You hit a point in your life where you are 'meant' to have achieved a certain level of financial stability, to be paying off a mortgage to own a home rather than renting, be saving for university funds and pensions rather than still clearing old debt, etc. It's hard to reconcile reality with what you are told by society you should be and have. Financial pressure is very stressful. If you are surrounded by people who aren't experiencing it you feel worse because of the comparison. And it doesn't help to think of all the people who are worse off than you! It should, but it doesn't. It doesn't even help to look back and realise how much better off your present self is than your old self.

You've had some great advice in this thread re managing the debts and I hope it is of use to you, but mostly I just wanted to offer a bit of solidarity. When you feel like you have failed it is very lonely and frightening. When you look at your dc and think, I have made bad decisions that are going to make your life harder, it is horrible. You aren't alone in this at all. But read back through your posts- there is so much there to genuinely celebrate. You are a good parent and you are doing all you can to get yourself into a better position. You can do this. You are doing this. It will be ok in the end.

Not sure if other post has mentioned. You can try to borrow a bank loan to repay the credit card loan first, as bank loan interest is much lower, normally around 3% at the moment, but credit card loan is over 15%. Normally you can get a bank loan if you have a steady salary.

I also remember that I saw something offered in the TV before, that people with high credit card debt has been negotiated with the card company to frozen the interest and to clear the debt off. Maybe you can contact the citizen advisor in your city to ask for advice.

@unmarkedbythat

I know what you mean. You hit a point in your life where you are 'meant' to have achieved a certain level of financial stability, to be paying off a mortgage to own a home rather than renting, be saving for university funds and pensions rather than still clearing old debt, etc

This!!

Yes you can have the life you want, just not now!

Sit and work out how many years of knuckling down and paying down the debt it'll take. Then take a big breath and do it, really do it, for years...

It's taken me 6 years but I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm even saving money now. I still buy clothes and get my hair done, just not expensive clothes, or if they are they are, I buy second hand. It's actually quite satisfying to do once you get over the fact that you can't 'have it all' the worst thing you can do is compare yourself to others. You don't know their life

You're not a bad mother, OP. Parenting and handling a budget are two totally different skills, and parenting is the more important one.

You have what sounds like a good marriage and a happy baby, you're all healthy and you have enough money to cover your everyday needs. You're already doing well! You just need to work through those debts.

There's plenty of good advice on this thread, so do contact some of the organisations that have been recommended, and start seriously paying your way out of debt. You don't need the stuff you used to spend money on -- just enjoy being with DH and DS. Have free fun!

The situation is what it is. You can't go back and re-write history, however much you regret it now and wish you'd done things differently.

So the only thing you can control now is how you feel about it. I understand that it feels miserable, but you can either wallow and feel like there's no prospect of ever having anything nice again, or you can be positive. That you will pay off the debts and then life will look very different, and that's something to look forward to. See becoming debt free as a real achievement and something you'll be able to look back on one day and be proud of - because it will be something to be proud of.

You're going to hate this, but you have £200 a month left over. How about (as long as you have an emergency fund, as a PP has said) putting £100 of that towards the debt? Yes it will make life harder temporarily, but it will save a lot of interest and pay the debt quicker and get you to the life you want sooner.

For some time (you haven't said how long) you're going to have to live a very frugal existence. Take ownership of why that's come about and be determined to bring it to an end. Make it a (positive) challenge to yourself to see how frugally you can live so that you take pleasure in finding ways to save money, knowing that it's a bit more you can put towards the debts. I know that probably sounds impossible right now, but if you read the Moneysavingexpert and other debt forums, a lot of people find that that's what gets them through and they genuinely do find the challenge exciting.

If you only have another year that’s great- then you can focus on the credit cards. Your affordability may be better for a consolidation by then.

I work in banking and I have seen all sorts of financial situations, it is totally possible to bring yourself back out of it. Sounds like you are on the right path. Just make sure you shop around, have a look at money saving expert to see if there’s anything you can save on.

Also setting up standing orders for payday is a must (I’m sure you probably do already but still). Work out a monthly amount you can afford and stick to it.

[quote Beeaaautiful]@Caplin

you might have to make tough decisions about maybe going back 4 days instead of 3

But this isn’t going to make much difference, it’s another days pay but it’s also another days nursery fee.
What I earn a day just about cohere the nursery fees.

My husband and I have shared money so we split all costs, but me working an extra day won’t make much of a difference as it just as an extra outgoing to the nursery.[/quote]
As others have said, you have to think longer term. Working 4 days a week will bring in a bit more money, but more importantly it gives you more experience and makes it more likely you will climb the ladder in a few years. If you want to be long term about your family goals of being stable and buying a home.

Since having my kids (now aged 10 and 8) I have been promoted twice and my salary has almost doubled. My husband's salary has also doubled in that time. I can now choose to work a 4 day week again.

Ultimately, jumping up the career ladder a couple of rungs will make the difference long term. You don't need to aim to be CEO, but you do want to have more cash coming in. That will come as long as you keep a foot firmly on the ladder. You also get tax breaks on childcare vouchers.

Also, when your baby turns 2 you get 30 hours childcare for free.

You've only got a year left to pay your loans...and you both have good enough jobs that you have "company cars*????

Seriously, you are so much better off than many. You have a small debt due to spending on fund things that you couldn't afford. In the light of people losing low paid jobs in the middle of a pandemic and the epic reliance on food banks, your posts are in pretty bad taste.

You are not badly off, at all. You are comfortable and secure with a small debt that is nearly paid off. I return to my first point: you need to get over yourself.

Talk to stepchange. You don't even need to talk to them you can do it all on email. They will speak to your creditors if needs be and help with a budget.

This

@CupidStunt2020

I return to my first point: you need to get over yourself

You’re honestly not helping by saying that.

Yes I have a year left on the loan but we’re not just in debt by a loan. We have credit cards too!!

I don't know OP, sounds like you've got it pretty good. A home, jobs (yours allowing you to be part time), a wanted child, company cars, a wardrobe of clothes, plus you've had a big wedding, awesome holidays, many weekends away and nights out with friends.

Reading your post I wish I'd never bothered saving a dime and just got in to debt, seems like it worked out great.

You're being a bit woe is me here @Beeaaautiful, which we all do at times, but honestly you need to give yourself a shake. You're saying you're "only" £200 a month better off working in one breath then in another complaining you'll never pay off the debt. Well why not look at it as you'll have £200 a month to pay off the debt.
It would be lovely to own your own property, but your son isnt going to miss out in life if you rent instead. However if you want to buy a house the last thing you want to do is go onto a repayment plan as it will seriously impact your credit rating (which I'm assuming isn't good as it is as you got declined for the loans). You need to reshape your thought process and learn to budget affectively

Really? I think you really need to hear it. You think of yourself as really badly off, really hard done by. You are neither. You would be helping yourself hugely if you stopped wallowing and copped yourself on.

Or you can tell yourself repeatedly how unhappy you are and how terrible your life is, and how doomed you are. Up to you.

You are only 31. Happiness is a state of mind so, of course, you can be happy. Just decide to be.

Yes, you've been silly with money in the past but just decide not to be irresponsible from hereon in. You can turn this around and you can own your own home if you set your mind on it. It will be tough but the end result is worth it.

My thoughts:

1. Put together a Statement of Affairs setting out all income and expenditure and ensure the figures are realistic. Include minimum credit card payments, money for birthday and Christmas presents, reasonable amounts for clothing and hair cuts.
2. Allow a small amount of pocket money each.

If you are extremely strict you will probably fail so be strict but allow yourselves small pleasures from time to time.

1. I don't think you'll be able to transfer to a 0% interest card as you've been turned down for a consolidation loan.
2. Stop using your credit cards for cash and purchases.
3. Set up a direct debit to pay off at least the minimum every month in the credit card(s).
4. Check your bank statement regularly to ensure you haven't overlooked anything.
5. Each month see what is left and pay the whole of that amount off your credit cards.
6. Always do price comparisons for Household and car insurance, Gas and electric and always negotiate with broadband providers.

Use the time whilst your child is very young to pay these debts off. Kids don't need a lot when they are little so don't spoil your child with unnecessary stuff that you think "they deserve".

You can do this.

Could you try to look at it as a challenge? Every few months I go through all our direct debits and cut them down (so far I’ve cut several hundred pounds a month). If you then use that money to pay down the debt it’ll go a lot quicker. I’ve also followed the £10 a day thread, it has some great ideas for earning extra cash. I signed up to a couple of companies they recommended to do part time work online and actually made £800 last month! It took a lot of time to do it but I mostly work while the kids are napping or watching films or after they go to sleep. We still have £10k to pay off but it’s going down faster now :)

You need to do some work on your emotional relationship with money and spending. You have some strong beliefs about spending and saving and what is a 'good life' and what is not.
Saving doesn't have to feel like punishment. This book looks like a good start www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Currency-Building-Healthy-Relationship-ebook/dp/B004FEG2VS?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Can you take a car allowance and run a cheaper car yourself? Company cars generally cost quite a lot or attract a high tax. Have you both signed up for tax free childcare to reduce nursery costs.

@Hahaha88

You're saying you're "only" £200 a month better off working

I won’t be £200 better off. That’s all I will have left after nursery fees.

I will be bringing home less than I am now on SSP!!