To think I can’t have a happy life with my circumstances

[Beeaaautiful]

I’m 31 married and have been with my husband for 12years.

Our first place we lived together was rented, due to my husbands past relationship (he was only very young) he ended up with a house repossessed which severely impacted his credit rating.
We decided together that we were happy to rent and we would potentially look to buy in the future.

A couple of years later, after the loss of a close friend, I suffered with depression and I left my job and was supported by my husband(then partner) whilst I was out of work for nearly a year.
His salary at the time was okay but we ended up taking out a couple of credit cards for things like holidays and weekends away (I know )

I went back into full time work but instead of prioritising credit cards, we spent our money on other things.
Nights out with friends, weekends away, clothes etc...

We moved from our first place, into a house but weren’t in a position to buy (no deposit) so we rented, this was in 2014.

Over the years we’ve taken out several other credit cards and loans which have been to fund our lifestyle, which we obviously couldn’t afford to live.

In 2016 my husband proposed.
We saved and paid for our wedding.

We knew we wanted to start a family so we decided again to save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave and the cost of things we would need.

I gave birth to our first baby at the start of the year.

My husband is in a much better paid job now and has been there for several years.
I’m not at highly paid, but my salary is ok.

I’m only on SSP which is great, but we’ve been able to manage with our savings.

I’m due back to work in January but I will only be working 3 days a week whilst DC is at a nursery.

I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for.

I’m starting to really feel depressed now at how much per month we are still paying on credit cards and loans.

We will be able to manage but we are easily paying out £700 a month to creditors and none of it is even recent debt. It’s all from years ago.

DC will always come first so any spare money will go towards what he needs.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since my son was born and I haven’t bought myself anything new to cater to my new size so I’m wearing horrible stretchy clothes. I haven’t had my hair cut in months and I feel like I’ve completely let myself go.

I don’t really see a way now how we can ever get out of the debt we’re in and I certainly don’t thing we will ever own a house.

We did apply for a consolidation loan to help us but neither of us were approved.

I’m starting to feel like a failure as a mum and it’s really upsetting me thinking my son won’t get the life he deserves.

I know we have been irresponsible (before DC was born) it sickens me to think how easily we could’ve cleared our debts over the years and we just didn’t.

Are we doomed now? Can we actually live a happy life under these circumstances?

*We saved and paid for our wedding.

To save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave*

You clearly have excess income already in order to be able to save money for these things in addition to meeting the debt repayments. Make additional cut backs and use the excess to pay off more of the debt?

Also, agree with pp who said that small children don't need many material things to be happy! Don't go overboard this Christmas! If your baby is under one you can leave it to family and friends to buy them presents for Christmas and birthday. They won't notice or mind!

Also op, it may be worth checking in with your GP, as your pessimism may be a sign of your depression returning. You are definitely not a failure as a mum . Your baby doesn't care if you are in debt or not, just that you are there for them. They will sense stress or depression though so it's worth trying to sort things out, even though it will be hard making the first steps when you are feeling low

Having money troubles is absolutely the pits-it's right up there with bereavement.

Of course you feel blue about this aspect of your life and you're entitled to do so.

Do talk to one of the agencies that others have mentioned. You don't have to do what they say but at least you will know that there are options.

You're being really brave OP, looking clearly at what you have done before and how that has contributed to where you are now.

Please try not to beat yourself up about the past, you need to forgive yourself and your partner for those actions you now perceive as mistakes. Many, many people learn the hard way about money.

Financial concerns are absolutely not superficial. The way we earn and spend money expresses our values, priorities, options. Being short of money (real or perceived) is a major cause of stress and depression.

It is absolutely possible to turn the situation around, and given that you have predictable income it could happen quicker than you think. But you have to deliberately now learn budget management skills and challenge yourself to identify your real priorities in life. I recommend YNAB (if you google you will find extended free trials,) - not just because of the software, but because the method supports you to take absolute control of your expenditure, not just forecast and forget - and the free workshops/guidance are very friendly and effective. But there are other options too, and tools specifically for getting on top of debt.

Once you have got on top of daily budget and expenditure, there is a whole load of support out there (Face book communities etc) for people who are working towards financial independence, and loads of people who came there through past mistakes or changes in circumstances that made them evaluate their relationship with money.

When I think about past money mistakes, I find it useful to reflect how I have learnt from them and how I will pass on my knowledge to my kids.

Best of luck

So I have been in your shoes. I spent too much in my 20s, and even now in my 40s I'm not entirely clear of the debt (but it is significantly less).

As others have said, use MSE forums, and use their budget planner.

I use bullet journalling to get my life in order (budget/life planning/appreciation/good health ahbits). I find it helpful.

You can do this, you might have to make tough decisions about maybe going back 4 days instead of 3 (I was FT after my first, 4 days after my second and went up to FT when she was 2).

You can do it, but I get how bleak it can feel. When you are leveraged to the hilt you can't even shift debt to lower/no interest. Try and bring down your credit card amounts to about 60%, that way your credit rating will improve enough to shift things around. If you you switch and max everything out it goes against you.

You can always have a happy life! Tho if a happy life for you involves a lot of spending, then maybe reevaluate your priorities/values?

Yes debt is stressful but you have your health and your lovely little family.

Stop beating yourself up about your past choices it’s not going to change. No sense in being inked to yourself and making yourself more miserable.

It will be ok. Home ownership isn’t the be all end all. Maybe your life will be different to how you imagined, but that is the case for most of us.

OP: you have both done well to improve your employment status, and this will improve.

You have a fab baby, congratulations!

Yes, work. It isn’t just the £200 a month, it is also the pension contributions (and the added tax which is credited to your pension) which paid at this stage in your life will work hard for you over the coming years while invested.

Plus a job is a stepping stone to a pay increase, promotion, training, a good reference.

And it won’t be long before you are entitled to the free nursery hours and life will suddenly seem much easier! You want to be positioned well in your job to take advantage of that... not sending out your CV to all and sundry having taken 2 years out of the job market!

You are doing OK NOW. Be proud of yourselves. Get a great haircut.

Also, have you spoken to your GP about depression? Havjng a baby during lockdown must have been SO hard. Again: well done.

And have you spoken to a debt management charity like Step Change?

Build in your strengths, OP, and eyes forward! Actively be proud of yourself for working, and then actively look forward to your days with your baby: start the day with a dance around the room with your baby.

^‘unkind to yourself’ in 3rd para

If it's any consolation, Barack and Michelle Obama only paid off their student loans when they were in The White House.

Think that living with debt is getting to be the norm now.

btw - your child will absolutely not remember what gift was from who...

I know, you’re right, lots of people are worse off. But that doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad about my own current situation just because someone else has it worse than I do.

A lot of people are worse off through no fault of their own, whereas you’re in a situation entirely of your own making.

If you feel bad about your current situation then take a moment to feel gratitude for all the things you do have, as PP said. Think about how much you enjoyed all of the debt-generating weekends away and holidays that you had. Lots of people haven’t had those experiences to generate warm fuzzy memories.

You spent money you didn’t have in order to generate happiness, and now it needs paying back you’re unhappy again. It seems that you have a strong link between spending money and being happy. Is that something worth working on with a therapist? Work on being happy with what you have?

But that doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad about my own current situation just because someone else has it worse than I do

You can feel as bad as you like but going on about being doomed when you seem to have it pretty good to many is going to get you various responses.
You're wallowing. Which you can do, if you want to. But you posted here, and not every reply is going to be all "ah you poor thing...".

Maybe you can't have a happy life, if you're determined to be unhappy.

If it's any consolation, Barack and Michelle Obama only paid off their student loans when they were in The White House.

Debt from education is very different to debt from having a showy lifestyle that you can’t afford! 😂

Agree, Moneysavingexpert is so helpful. Get over there, write down all your expenses and debts and they'll help you come up with a plan. The key is having a budget you can stick to. You'll pay off the debt eventually but you need to reframe your mindset. Kids really don't need expensive things, they just want to spend time with you.

Yes you can but you are going to need to make some tough choices. Is only working part time a luxury you can afford? To me clearing debt to provide a stable future for my kids would be more important. And how about retraining/doing things to increase your pay. Where’s the safety net if you or your DH lose your jobs? You need to cut spending but also think about increasing earnings.

Happiness isnt about money. Its about quality of life and that doesnt have a price. You should work though as it will bode you well for the future.

It's sort of telling that your thread title is about happiness, but your OP is all about money.

If you're equating happiness with spending money - on holidays, on clothes, on going out, etc - it doesn't matter how much you punish yourself with a tight budget, you're going to end up in the same place by 'buying happiness' for your son (clothes, toys, huge parties he won't remember). The only difference will be that you'll argue to yourself that it's all justified because it's for him, not you. And it's happiness, so he 'deserves' your money more than the credit card companies. And you'll get into the same spiral.

It's annoyingly easy for strangers on the internet to say, but you need to reset your thinking about what happiness actually means to you. You have a partner, a child, a job, a chance to lay down some financial security for your future by going back to work... these are really big things.

Omg you can totally get back on track!!! Find a way to hold yourself accountable and stick with it! My friend started a blog, or you can do a journal, set yourself some small concrete goals and get going! Find ways to make extra money, sell stuff you don't need, challenge yourself to live a minimalist life. Don't buy new clothes - start a weight loss program (free you tube videos?) and take before pics and progress pics. Talk to your friends about it. Embrace your long hair. Start a social media account about it if you like. You can totally change your whole life if you can find the motivation to do it! You are in control of all of these issues! You absolutely can have an amazing life. You already have a husband, a child, a job, a home, you are already are doing amazing and now you can focus on yourself and achieving your own goals. Why don't you use this thread to keep us all updated with your progress and we can cheer you on? Best of luck.

@VeggieSausageRoll

*We saved and paid for our wedding.

To save and have a chunk of money to one side for maternity leave*

You clearly have excess income already in order to be able to save money for these things in addition to meeting the debt repayments. Make additional cut backs and use the excess to pay off more of the debt?

This.

And I won’t be left with much from my wage after childcare (£200 month left) and it almost seems not worth going to work for..

Or you could look at it as the extra £200 a month you will have from working could be used as an extra £200 a month towards paying off your debts which will mean you can pay them off more quickly.

I know how you feel - I had historic debt from when my children were small (holidays, clothes, shoes, weekends away, days out etc). I had to bite the bullet, work more hours than I was comfortable with, and live very very frugally for 18 months. I threw every spare penny towards the debt and managed to pay everything off - 5 credit cards in total and an overdraft . DH (who shared the debt although the cards were in my name) did the same. We used MSE to get advice right from the start.

You can do it. Don't be disheartened.

MSE is excellent - get over there and have a look at the debt free wannabee boards. There is also a lady called Frugal Queen. She lives in France now, but is on facebook and talks about living a simple happy life - she and her husband paid over £40K in debt in double quick time by stringently cutting back for a couple of years - absolutely inspiring if you're trying to deal with debt.

Can you transfer any of the debt to 0% cards so at least you're not paying interest on it? Look at 'snowballing', soo you hit the debt that costing you most first.

The most important thing for you, I think, is not to get yourself into the mindset that the problem is too overwhelming so you might as well give up and keep spending. It is easy to have a happy life without the big ticket spends like holidays and 'stuff', especially now you have your lovely son. You do not need to spend a lot of money to give him a happy life either.

Take control - write down all your debt, what you absolutely have to spend money on each month (have to, not want to!) and get to it. You can do this and you're so young you have years to get yourselves back on track.

I think you need a bit of an attitude adjustment tbh. You're worried about paying off old debt and not being able to buy your own home, but in the next breath you're angsting about wearing unflattering clothes and wanting a haircut. If I gave you a chunk of cash today, would you use it to pay off some debt or would you go out on a spending spree? Your history suggests the latter. Your partner had bad credit after a house repo but you borrowed money to take holidays and buy clothes. You had longstanding debt as a couple but spent your savings on a wedding instead of clearing it. I'm not trying to have a go. Lots of us have made mistakes and bad choices in the past but the important thing is not to repeat them.

All of life doesn't have to be a dull and dutiful conveyor belt of paying bills and subsisting on baked beans, but actually if you told yourself that between now and when your DC starts school (for instance) you'll live as frugally as possible - cut your own hair, buy clothes in charity shops, learn to cook and eat cheaply, arrange playdates and use toy libraries instead of having expensive toys at home and lavish days out - you could have cured a lot of ills by then. Spending expands into the space given. If your resources are limited, it's up to you to impose some discipline. Lots and lots of people live like this - there's no sense in which your situation is particularly harsh - and if you're earning well between the two of you, there's no reason this should have to be a permanent state of affairs.

Where is your DH in all of this? Are you on the same page with saving vs spending, or is one of you undermining the other?

@Beeaaautiful

It’s not that I’m terribly unhappy now, my son of course makes me very happy. But I do her really upset when I start to think about our financial situation and how it could affect him missing out. I know it all sound really superficial. Now I’ve written it out and re read my post.

@Beeaaautiful Your son will not ''Miss out''.

Little children care not one jot for luxuries.
All they want to be is with their mum especially, doing nice things that involve 'Attention'... Eg, walks, doing free things..Clothing and toys mean very little to children.

Making things with them, &c they value more.

But do try and not 'Let yourself go' ...as you put it.
Exercise more, as PP have said, yoga on you tube..Pilates is brutal but really helps with core strength... {I currently have the core of a marshmallow so will be whipping out the you tube classes!}

Try and save for your house.

What put me off credit cards was a workmate who went mad on one....It was terrifying.

I haven't had one in many years. Known too many people who think of them as a painless way to buy..

A few years back, Banks were falling over themselves to lend money

''£25,000 to SPEND TODAY!!!!!!'' ...They'd come thick and fast through the door.

I ripped them up.

A neighbour fell for it, and had to sell their house.

Banks are not your friend in this regard.

How long do you have left on your loans? Can you set a goal? If you have a plan you can get this paid off. Can you sell cars? Or give back hire purchase for something cheaper?

I understand where you’re coming from but if you flip the situation from your dc “missing out” to your dc understanding the value of money, the dangers of debt and most importantly how to live within your means then I think in the end he will be better off. Growing up we had very little compared with other kids (in terms of clothes, tv, holidays etc.) and yes we did notice, but we also noticed how hard our parents worked to give us what we had and it made us really appreciate any treats as they weren’t expected. The problem with giving kids everything is they then expect it and rely on it for the rest of their lives even though they can’t afford it. Because of that experience growing up I’m not super conscious of money because my lifestyle is not very expensive to maintain and I could certainly reduce spending if needed. What you think of as a failure may well turn out to be a gift 😃

OP, things look bad now, but you WILL be able to pay off the debt you have.
You need proper debt advice. MoneySavongExpert is great.