Cried in front of her-can’t control her

[Minttea77]

My Dd 2.5 years has started to have mammoth meltdowns, I spend my whole day stopping her from doing things she shouldn’t, chucking everything everywhere and now she’s been refusing the afternoon nap, although is clearly tired. Yesterday she had a fit at her ballet lesson and stood in the corner crying and shouting at the teacher. This afternoon she refused to nap and just had the biggest meltdown I’ve seen, screaming and hitting me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying, god knows what the neighbours think.
I can’t carry on much longer, I barely get a break, I’m with her all day then go to teach when dp returns from work, we take it turns to sleep with her every other night and then the day starts all over again.
I’m ashamed she saw me cry and how angry I got with her, I picked her up and shouted at her, she’s barely heard me shout before.
Is this normal behaviour, how can you control it, really finding this so difficult.

Don’t beat yourself up OP. Two year olds are notoriously difficult. There is a huge growth spurt in brain development at this age - she is having a hard time and releases it with you as you are her safe place. That shows you’ve done a great job!

Nap refusal is so hard, mine is doing that too. I find she’ll sleep in the car so I try and time a drive to and from classes or visiting family around her sleep time. Then if she’ll stay asleep I’ll pull over and read my book and I get 20 mins to myself which helps me reset.

You did the right thing taking yourself off when you got upset, but don’t beat yourself up. I don’t know any parents who haven’t ‘lost it’ at their toddler once or twice.

You can apologise to her tomorrow and she’ll learn something from the experience

I don’t believe you need to be stricter, toddlers don’t have meltdowns because they are trying to manipulate you, they have because they have a developing brain which is literally unable to process information in the way adult brains do. It’s tough being a toddler (and a mum of one!!) they need lots of love and support and to know they are loved even when they are having tantrums, especially then.

I sit with mine, offer her a hug and just try and stay calm until she calms down.

Boundaries are good to have and I’m sure you have those, but it’s also good to let them have some say in their day. I.e. would you like to wear your red coat or blue coat today.

You’re doing a great job, and baby ballet classes etc are amazing for kids so no idea why you’re getting a hard time for that.

Trust yourself, listen to your gut and your little girl and this will pass

Oh and I still breastfeed my two year old and occasionally cosleep - it’s good for their attachment! After all adults sleep next to someone they love so why do we expect tiny babies and children to sleep 12 hours in a room on their own.

Madness!

My daughter is the exact same age, sounds like you do loads of lovely activities! I feel a bit shit now as all I can manage is Disney plus and a walk around the block most days.

Minttea, please cut yourself some slack, for goodness sake, woman!

Tempertantrums are a completely normal stage of development - a toddler learns to assert themselves and discover the power of the word 'no'. They do it without any kind diplomatic skill and get v v distressed.
I found that pretty much leaving them to it when they are angry octopuses while saying 'Come and speak to me when you are feeling better' worked best for v highly strung DS1, whereas DS2 wanted/needed a firm hug and being shushed until the screamed stilled to quiet sobbing.
It's important to understand that tempertantrums mean THEY have lost control so there is v little point in cajoling or admonishing or reasoning.

So she saw her mother dry. She witnessed her mother being a human being. With emotions. There is NOTHING wrong with that.
You shouting at her and you crying of course means that you had also lost control - acknowledge that and move on. It happened.
Now plan for the next temper tantrum: how are you going to react? What are you doing to do??

I don't think that baby ballet is a problem as such, however some 2 year olds will become completely overstimulated in any kind of toddler class and benefit more from a walk to the play park or similar. Toddlers don't 'need' any classes at all.

I had 4 DCs in 7 years and often stopped to think about how on earth my forebears coped with many more children, no modern appliances and very little in the way of help. Answer: children were not always entertained by their parents, they had to learn how to entertain themselves or how to cope with boredom and parents had to accept they could only do what they could do.

I usually agree with doing whatever it takes for everybody maximising their sleep and have no issue with co-sleeping but it sounds like you are a bit parented- and touched out and need some space. What you are doing is not currently working for you, so make a change.
I found controlled returning to bed with less and less eye contact/speech worked (relatively) quickly.

This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass,... - you have no idea how often I had this MN mantra in my head!

Best of luck

Not RTFT so this might have been said but you need to go for avoidance tactics. When you sense a tantrum coming. Not give in to it but distract, come and help me do this or let’s look at that.
Mines 3 only recently weaned, his bed is next to mine and can really really tantrum when he gets going. I don’t give in never have and I’ve shouted. We all have bad days.

@Feelingconfused2020 We did lots before Covid, we still have play dates on occasion at weekends but many of us are split between putting them into nursery now-just to have more interaction or keeping them at home. No swimming classes, playgroups, playgrounds open etc, it’s hard.

I think so many of us have been where you are. My daughter made parenting seem easy peasy but then my son came along and had a completely different personality!

Usually I found it was down to hunger or tiredness and then another random trigger - if hunger or tiredness were present already then the trigger would push him over into tantrum. You know that tiredness is the issue here so that’s the main thing to deal with.

Mine wasn’t fond of a nap either. He was far too nosey and busy doing stuff to want to have a nap. So it would be about trying out some calming things like having a wee rest on the sofa with the lights off and maybe some relaxing music/sounds or snuggling up with a wee movie (nothing too exciting) or going for a wee drive and he’d fall asleep so I could bring him in for a nap on the sofa.

Even if you know their triggers and try to work around them there will be times where it just doesn’t work out and they go full on into tantrums in seconds. I found it helped if I had a plan/routine for what I would do if he would have a tantrum. Just knowing what you are going to do can help reduce the stress for you (try not to take their behaviour personally) it also gives them some predictability for what will happen when they push the boundaries.

Your routine for dealing with the tantrum will be what works for you but here is what helped me:

• Ignoring the tantrum if possible and trying to distract. Sometimes I’d make up a story or ask him to tell me about something I knew he was interested in. This usually cut the time of the tantrum down by a lot.

-If he tried to hit out when angry he had to have time out on the step until calmed down and was ready to say sorry. I think you need to be careful how you use time out but it usually consisted of a wee chat and always ended up with a cuddle and back to normal afterwards with no grudges held.

If I was out in public and he had a tantrum and my distraction techniques weren’t working then I would pick him up (calmly), make my apologies and take him home- fortunately this didn’t happen often!

Good luck! They do grow out of it...eventually ;-)

@LadyLoungeALot

Why do you sleep with her? She should be sleeping alone in her own bed, but if she is used to one of you being there, it's going to be a hard habit to break.

Unfortunately, 2 year olds are renowned for tantrums. Do not give in to her and this too shall pass.

Because it’s normal for humans to want the comfort of sharing a bed?

Why is it okay for fully grown humans but not tiny ones?!

@MintyMabel Well by ‘Firm but fair’ I mean that I try not to shout or say ‘Not a lot and pick my battles basically. I listen to her needs but am firm if she’s being totally unreasonable-rude, teasing the dog etc. So she has boundaries and is fairly shocked when I am cross as it’s quite rare and only when I think it’s really needed.

The teacher is a highly trained ballet dancer and very talented, but I was looking for more of a fun class and didn’t expect her to have o toe the line so much in lessons really. Dd likes to run around and explore the room, she was very happy doing this, giggling with he other girls with the occasional twirling and jumping to the music. The first lesson was like this, the second lesson when I sat outside with the other parents, she really wasn’t happy and clung to me and cried (which I’ve not experienced her doing before) she’s generally very independent and barely looks back at me when in new environments.
The teacher allowed me to sit on the edge again in case she needed me, and I noticed she really didn’t like being pushed into the ballet positions etc, I thought then that she was too young and it was perhaps best to stop.
.

Was just thinking, has she had any vaccinations recently as it could be a reaction to one?
My DS aged 2 yrs was very easy natured prior to having his second MMR then POW! Mega tantrums, meltdowns, screaming etc. Turned out he had a severe reaction in the form of a gut problem giving him pain and his only way of communicating was to behave this way.

Why are people saying it's not on the ballet teacher? When you run a class that involves that ahe group you should expect tantrums! That wasnt the advice she was after either!

Dd likes to run around and explore the room, she was very happy doing this, giggling with he other girls with the occasional twirling and jumping to the music.

So, not strict then, just expecting her to join in with the group rather Han running about. Sounds like your DD doesn’t have boundaries.

If your dp had picked her up and shouted at her I doubt people would be so forgiving, it would be LTB he's a viscous bully, protect your dd.

It is understandable, I'm sure most have experienced that helpless feeling of not being in control with a toddler (don't think it gets easier as they get older). I suspect you've scared yourself as much as her, just have to learn how to control yourself, you're the adult.

I hear you OP. Mine is two in a couple of weeks and has gone from cheerful, chilled out cherub to gremlin in a period of about three weeks. I'm not exaggerating, we have had numerous calls for some serious 'chats' from nursery, often within an hour of us dropping him off .

It is very hard, not least because his sleep is awful, which makes everything much worse. He has always been a terrible sleeper and we just about managed to parent a pleasant calm baby and keep our sanity by the skin of our teeth, but managing toddler tantrums and constant CONSTANT boundary pushing while massively sleep deprived is very hard work. You have my sympathy, though I am afraid no solutions.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. It's actually quite important children see their parents and other people expressing honest emotion which is what you did. There are consequences to her behaviour, which may include upsetting people, and that is a lesson she is going to have to learn.

I also understand why you attempted ballet lessons, as since lockdown walks around the park have started to wear a little thin, playgroups are closed and it has started to rain! Don't feel bad to stop the ballet lessons if it isn't working for you. You tried. Could trips to the swimming pool burn off some energy indoors without the need to follow instructions?

Oh love, give yourself a break! My little ones have seen me cry loads of times. I honestly think it's good for them to see normal expressions of emotion both good and bad (and I work in mental health)

Is she getting over tired? My 3yr old and 1yr old both need to nap by 11am latest which always seems so early but really works for us. Sometimes if I leave it too long the older one just refuses and we have a hell of a day.

You can try and distract from tantrums but I do think there's some value in just letting them get it all out. They don't know how to regulate themselves, try not to over-think it

According to Steve Biddulph , RaisingBoys , a third of us parents lose our temper with our kids s .times. Not good but understandable . You are not alone . And it’s a chance to show them how we say sorry , not something our parents did . Sleeping with her might restore the days mistakes s times so whatever works for you . Culturally it normal in most of the world . Losing temper is Forgivable .

Oh OP, please don't be hard on yourself, my DD was a nightmare at that age and she was really forward with her speech too. She's just very willful, feeling such strong emotions - it's horrid, no shame in admitting that I hate parenting her at times, it's exhausting. Just sending a bit of solidarity really. Tomorrow is a new day.

And just to say, my kids have seen me cry so many times and in public too (hormonal and tired days!) and are very apologetic at the time. It's good for kids to see you experience emotions so don't worry!

@MintyMabel

Dd likes to run around and explore the room, she was very happy doing this, giggling with he other girls with the occasional twirling and jumping to the music.

So, not strict then, just expecting her to join in with the group rather Han running about. Sounds like your DD doesn’t have boundaries.

No. She’s just a normal two year old. They have tantrums!

@MintyMabel Should she have such strong boundaries at this age?
I don’t know, I’m an Early years teacher, which I accept is different to a ballet teacher, but she wasn’t being ‘Naughty’ she just wouldn’t (couldn’t?) sit at all times as instructed or line up in the correct manner at all times..she didn’t want to..perhaps she is ‘Naughty’ then? Or is she just too little?! To me, my approach with little ones (work wise) wasn’t to attempt to force at that age and try to make it fun.
Regardless, from the second lesson onwards, we’ve had two lessons with lots of crying and clinging on to me, so it’s obviously not fun for her anymore.

OP I haven’t RTFT I’ll be honest. Everyone has lost their temper at some point we’re all human.

In terms of ballet lessons dd1 started as soon as she was 3, was compliant and loved it. Dd2 honestly wouldn’t cooperate with anything like that till she was about 8 😂😂. She now goes to gymnastics lessons, athletics and swimming club and really enjoys it all but when she was younger omg 🤦🏻‍♀️

That said I suspect ballet would still be a step too far....

It's tough being a mum, but it's also tough and frustrating being a toddler. They don't understand the rules of the world and are unable to express themselves sufficiently. It's a tough time one for both of you. Also, both of mine dropped their naps from two. You can't force her to have a nap. A bit of quiet time in the afternoon in front of the TV may help recharge her. Explaining things/giving time warnings can help avoid some meltdowns (i.e. tell her where you are going and why and give her five minute warnings etc before leaving the park or before bedtime etc so that she is prepared/knows what is coming up next). Also see what her trigger points are and try to avoid them. Try to get out in the mornings and keep things calmer in the afternoon when she is more tired/emotional. Give her lots of praise/encouragement when she is good. If things start to escalate, put on some relaxation music to calm you both down. That helps me when I feel my tension start to build.

Not read the full thread - but I can't understand why you're getting a hard time for trying ballet. It's not proper ballet at that age - just a nice activity to socialise them.

By 2 my DS dropped his nap so she may not want one. Try just having quiet time instead of forcing nap I think we turned cot into proper bed too at this age.

Do you get her out the house lots? Some children just have endless energy.

Routine helps - but you probably know that already!

Do you have something local you can buy pass for & get outdoors - zoo, activity type place? Just to get rid of some energy?

Yes, I agree that getting out for some exercise, whatever the weather, is helpful - I learned to wear mine out on the days they were off nursery. And if you try changes to her sleeping arrangements my great HV said to start it on Friday night if you don’t work at weekends so you can recover a bit next day. We got DS 1 to sleep on his own aged 2 - Friday night was hell, got up at least 30 times - we did the super Nanny thing of saying nothing after the first couple of times. Saturday night was not as bad. Sunday - only about 6 get ups, cracked it by about Tuesday. I’d been having to sit in his room for an hour every night often falling asleep. The joy of getting my evenings back. So the first few nights were hard going but we got there.