Cried in front of her-can’t control her

[Minttea77]

My Dd 2.5 years has started to have mammoth meltdowns, I spend my whole day stopping her from doing things she shouldn’t, chucking everything everywhere and now she’s been refusing the afternoon nap, although is clearly tired. Yesterday she had a fit at her ballet lesson and stood in the corner crying and shouting at the teacher. This afternoon she refused to nap and just had the biggest meltdown I’ve seen, screaming and hitting me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying, god knows what the neighbours think.
I can’t carry on much longer, I barely get a break, I’m with her all day then go to teach when dp returns from work, we take it turns to sleep with her every other night and then the day starts all over again.
I’m ashamed she saw me cry and how angry I got with her, I picked her up and shouted at her, she’s barely heard me shout before.
Is this normal behaviour, how can you control it, really finding this so difficult.

Top tip: when she is... look at her and ask "will she be doing this when she is 18", almost certainly the answer is no.

Structured activities can be too much at this age. For lots of small children there will be far too much going on: teacher saying things, other children saying things, music, funny clothes, funny sounds and echoes in an odd space, funny smells, other children having pretty ribbons which are distracting etc. She is probably being over loaded.

For sleep I would get yourself and DH prepared and strong, and then go for 2 weeks or so of being very strict. Set bedtimes. And enforced without either of you sleeping with her. She gets up, she gets put back to bed.
For naps I wouldn't be as strict but do have relaxing time at least.
But also make sure there is plenty of exercise - walks and exploring outdoors. You don't need playgrounds, softplay or clubs at this age. and if outside she can run around, get tired and be much more self directed. Look at the changing seasons, jump in puddles, put out seeds for the birds, make "art" out of twigs, collect things to make art at home.
Get her to "help" you at home. Messy play. Dancing to nursery rhymes.

And do look out for hunger and thirst as triggers.

I think you need to get the night sleep sorted. Her, in her own bed, alone, all night.

Mine is a nightmare with sleep, and if I let him he would sleep in my bed every single night, but when he's in with me (and it does happen occasionally) neither of us get a good sleep and he ends up tired and grumpy the next day (me too).

I did the silent return. 70/80/90 times every single night. It didn't work. I was very consistent. Eventually something in him just clicked though and now he stays in his own bed until morning (his idea of morning is a littler earlier than I would like but I've come to accept that he just does not need much sleep). He's 2.5, sleeps 10.5 hours a night. No naps (nap dropped at about 18 months unfortunately).

Oh and be kind to yourself. Anyone who says they've never lost it with a toddler is probably lying. They really do need solid boundaries though.

My you poor thing. I tried everything with my little baby girl. Ballet, dance etc. She screamed and screamed for years - day and night. She was hearing impaired however, but it was relentless tantrums and drama. End of my rope. Fast forward.. She lives in Oz with her partner and is a successful businesswoman. I have skipped the worse bits (the teenage years) but just want to give you hope.. I have no answer as to why some children are so difficult but it comes good eventually.. I have no idea how she got to this amazing place or how indeed she maintains a wonderful relationship with her partner.. No idea. Only that I miss the woman she has become xx

I’ve got 4DC’s and the only times I’ve ever lost my shit to the point where I’ve been thoroughly ashamed of myself was during a tantrum. I am pretty chill but I have found them so hard to deal with. I have 4 year old twins and one of them has had the most god awful toddlerhood for tantrums, really violent, smashing up his room, hitting and kicking, running off. What I’ve learned is that strictness makes it worse, in that moment he’s utterly lost control. It’s like they’re possessed and you can’t reason or discipline them at that time. If one of mine kicks off where we are out we go straight home, game over. If they are aggressive they get put in their room. Otherwise I try and be soothing; tell them I love them and I’m sorry they’re upset but it will be ok. And wait it out. Cuddles afterwards. It’s scary for them. A good quote I saw recently is ‘don’t join them in their chaos but draw them into your calm’. It’s so much harder when you’re out because you get embarrassed, that’s why it’s really important to drop what you’re doing and get them home ASAP IMO. As PP have said, hunger and tiredness are big triggers. It will pass honestly. At 4 they rarely have them now.

@Minttea77 Maybe she doesn't need her naps anymore? Both of mine stopped napping around 2. You might be able to put her to bed earlier and she might sleep better at night?
Don't worry either way. This too shall pass. It's hard, but she it's just a phase ❤️

Been there, done that. My eldest was a very anxious highly strung child who had tantrums/violent meltdowns all the time at that age.

OP, the good news is you don't have to control her. You need to take her out of harm's way obviously, you need to remove her so she doesn't inconvenience others or damage property, you need to make sure she doesn't get to hurt you.

But what you do not need to do is to suddenly and magically turn her into a lovely child who never tantrums. That is not your remit, so if you don't manage that you haven't failed.

If she screams and thrashes but you don't give her the sweets or whatever, then you haven't failed. She will learn eventually that screaming doesn't get her anywhere. But even so it may take some time before she has the impulse control to act on what she's learnt. That's not your failure.

I would start by thinking about what triggers can be avoided. Is she perhaps too young for ballet? (really doesn't matter if toddler ballet works brilliantly for other children, doesn't mean it has to work for her). If so, maybe think of cancelling.

Or is it more that the ballet as such is not a problem but that she sometimes tantrums when she gets overtired? If so, prepare yourself to carrying her outside bodily when she starts screaming. Take her straight home, or at least to a quiet place outside where she can calm down before you take her home.

If she hits you, either remove yourself, or if you can't hold her hands, firmly but gently, to stop her. It is reassuring for her to learn that she can't hurt anyone, that someone is stronger than her own overpowering emotions.

The calmer you can stay, the better.

The sleep question is a very individual thing. We decided we would all get a better quality of sleep if we just let dd stay in our bed if she came in at night. She was an anxious child, it reassured her and made her overall calmer. But if you find it is better to go the other way, you've had lots of good advice.

If she can't nap in the day is there some other way of giving her downtime. I used to lie on the sofa with dd and listen to music until she drifted off.

I haven't read past the first page but twice you've said how bad you feel about shouting at her. You mustnt.
This child desperately needs boundaries.
There is nothing wrong with shouting as long as its not all the time

@Nandakanda

2.5 year old at ballet lessons?

Are you sure that's realistic?

Poor ballet teacher.

Umm I assume the ballet teacher is giving toddler ballet classes by choice, I haven't heard of there being ballet teachers forced into giving lessons to small children. But I guess you never know..

OP, it sounds really tricky, but it is usually just a phase. And don't be too hard on yourself, we all lose it from time to time!

Your doing fine . Dont be so hard on yourself weve all been there it gets easier.

In the kindest way, you need to toughen up.

A 2 year old doesn't know what's best for them but you're letting her make the rules. She's over tired and until you get the sleep routine sorted, this is your life.

You're not being kind by not upsetting her - you're actually damaging her growth and development with lack of sleep. Talk to your health visitor or look online at sleep training, it's the only way you'll save your sanity. Mine were utter bloody horrors if they were tired. It's shit, but you can turn this around

OP, drop the stupid classes and get outside for a walk. Don't panic about getting stressed at her, that's normal - but I've always noticed a pattern with DS - he seems the most out of control when I'M stressed out. Does he notice and play up OR am I making a bigger thing out of nothing? Either way, 90% of the time its really me, not him.

Do something for YOU that your DD can enjoy too and stop stressing the little things.

Another one to say it's absolutely fine to cry in front of her. She needs to learn mummy isn't a physical or emotional punching bag.

She’s 2, tantrums are very much par for the course. Probably an unpopular opinion but I favour the ignore approach to a tantrum - just ensure she’s safe and then carry on with what you are doing E.g. pottering in the kitchen. She will calm down and then you can talk about her feelings - it’s too much for her in the middle of a tantrum and if you give lots of soothing and reassurance, SOME children learn to tantrum as a way to get reassurance. Parents who do the soothing thing, I’m not saying it’s wrong!
It’s not punishing the tantrum or telling her off, it’s not engaging and fuelling it. Hope you’re ok

When she tantrums, turn bbc news on and sit and watch it, tell her firmly ‘ when you when finished crying we can carry on having fun’ then just let her get on with it, don’t look at her or acknowledge her until the meltdown stops. Why are you sleeping with her? She sounds like she’s got you both wrapped around her little finger, little children can be very clever at manipulation.

Poor you OP. They do calm it terrible twos for a good reason. I’m sure it will pass but it does sound like very hard work

I had one like this, he’s 20 now. Got even worse through puberty but I am pleased to be able to say it was worth all the effort and he is now a reasonable member of the human race (works in a shop to contribute to his own way through Uni).

Don’t bother with the ballet, cut activities right back, at least until she is old enough to pick them for herself. Don’t worry about other kids having full ‘enrichment’ timetables, it’s mostly bollocks really and not worth stressing yourself or your child out over.
Prioritise the activities or groups that keep YOU feeling sane/give you some kind of support network. Just go to the nearest outdoor playground at similar times each week and you’ll soon find someone else with a similar aged screamer to talk to.

You are doing fine. Motherhood can be really fucking hard and some kids genuinely are harder work than others. Be kind to yourself and pick your battles with baby - the only ones that really matter involve safety and appropriate weather wear! Everything else WILL follow through, eventually.

You’ve already had some great advice here but I just wanted to comment.

I have quite a high tolerance for tantrums, as my DD pretty much screamed all day for 18 months. Once, I couldn’t take anymore and actually screamed (I’m not exaggerating) at her to fuck off.

After that, I realised now matter how hard it gets I need to find a way to cope. I find it helps to visualise myself shouting and think about how i’ll feel afterwards, and how she’ll react- and just tell myself it will achieve nothing. Or imagine I’m on tv and there’s a camera crew following me around!

She’s not too bad now to be honest (or maybe I’m just used to it). I say yes to most things unless it’s dangerous, I give her regular snacks (I find she gets hangry after about an hour), and she had to get 11 hours sleep at night with one hour nap during the day.

You’ve had a bad day, but tomorrow (or the next day) will be better.

Ah tantrums, shudder. It's so hard when you're in the middle of it, but hopefully a few things might help. Although it'll be hard, personally I would try and get her into her own bed so I at least had a break at night, might need to do controlled crying but honestly i think it'll have a huge impact. Also re: the tantrums, if he was somewhere safe I would usually leave him to it, it's like they feed off of attention and it powers them into a whole new level of tantrum. Harder if out and about, it's hard for them to as it's usually where they are frustrated and can't communicate effectively; but really you need to be putting some boundaries in place for both of your sakes.

Oh, and the above Uni student was still occasionally in my bed age 8, and when his sister came along, it was 2 kids and 2 cats and 2 dogs and me sneaking out to one of their beds halfway through the night. Don’t worry about co sleeping unless you actively want it to stop. I guarantee you she’ll be leaving of her own accord at some point (they generally spend less and less time with you and more and more on their own until one day, you just can’t remember the last time they got in with you (sick bucket days excepted!)

It’s totally normal to bedshare in other cultures and implies nothing at all about future independence. Don’t sweat it.

Hey, OP. Hope you're feeling better.

I've not rtft, sorry, but this might be very useful!

www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers

@Nandakanda my 2 1/2 year old asked to go to ballet and still.dances now she's at uni!

I second what other people are saying - she's 2 - she's just started to drop the afternoon nap, so for a few weeks, things are going to be a bit rocky. I remember this time with mine. She'll be overtired for a while and there will be a few more tantrums because of it. That is clearly what today's tantrum was about - she was too tired to sleep, if that makes sense, and wasn't able to calm down.

All I can suggest is that you pick her up if possible and carry her out of the room/ennvironment that she's tantrumming in. We lived in an apartment when mine was this age, and if it got to hysterical crying, I would take her outside onto the balcony. Often that worked. But staying in the same room did not work!

Good luck - this time will pass. Try not to lose your temper with her, but if you feel it coming on, try to walk away for a minute or two if it's safe to do so.

Can we move on from the ballet lessons? That's not the point of this thread, the OP has not asked if she is BU to raker her DD to this class fgs!

OP much sympathy. Two years old is a bloody hard stage. My DS is almost 3 and the past year has become increasingly difficult as his temper tantrums worsen, along with his physical strength, so we are subject to flailing fists and legs. My patience has been stretched to breaking point. Many times.

I have DD who is 5 and we had nothing like this with her. It's not that you're failing as a parent. It's just that this stage can be hugely challenging. It will pass (i hope!) but be kind to yourself in the meantime. We're only human, not robots, it's ok to admit you're struggling. I had no idea how hard parenting could be until I had DS. I adore him but it is hard.

Distraction seems to work for us sometimes or just leaving him to it after we have checked he is in a safe environment and can't hurt himself (obvs we don't go far away!)