Cried in front of her-can’t control her

[Minttea77]

My Dd 2.5 years has started to have mammoth meltdowns, I spend my whole day stopping her from doing things she shouldn’t, chucking everything everywhere and now she’s been refusing the afternoon nap, although is clearly tired. Yesterday she had a fit at her ballet lesson and stood in the corner crying and shouting at the teacher. This afternoon she refused to nap and just had the biggest meltdown I’ve seen, screaming and hitting me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying, god knows what the neighbours think.
I can’t carry on much longer, I barely get a break, I’m with her all day then go to teach when dp returns from work, we take it turns to sleep with her every other night and then the day starts all over again.
I’m ashamed she saw me cry and how angry I got with her, I picked her up and shouted at her, she’s barely heard me shout before.
Is this normal behaviour, how can you control it, really finding this so difficult.

Don't be so hard on yourself. For starters I would stop the ballet lessons, at her age the only one benefiting is the ballet school from your income. If you think she may be the next Darcey Bussell or Margot Fonteyn then wait until she's about 4/5 years and capable of following detailed technical instructions.
Which things are you saying "No" to?. If it's almost everything then she will just switch off. Allow her to make small decisions but don't overwhelm her with choices.
Tell her firmly she can choose three toys to play with but she has to put one away before she chooses another. Make a game of putting stuff away and let her 'help' you when you're doing things so that she feels involved.
Don't force her have a nap if she's not tired. There's nothing wrong with letting her watch TV whilst you have a break too.
Good Luck!

Sounds like normal tired 2+ year old behaviour to me.

I high fived myself the day DD nearly gave herself a head injury flailing about the hallway (because Daddy had gone to work) and the only thing that worked was I asked if she wanted a breadstick.

She's now 7 but still a nightmare if she hasn't slept well or eaten enough. Hangry/Tiiii-red is a thing in our house.

You need to leave some of wash over you if you can, she might have good speech but she cannot express her emotions especially when they are strong, so you acknowledge the disappointment or anger etc and you stay firm nonetheless. Sleep is so important personally I'd try sórt this but only when you're in the right mindset to. Definitely give yourself a break, no there's no point in shouting but it's done now and you need to take a deep breath one day at a time and definitely ditch a lesson with a strict teacher for that age.

Everyone shouts! Sometimes we need too

As someone stated. Kids need boundaries. They need very very strict rules. It makes them feel safe. I don't mean they need to be shouted at

But they do need to know yes and no. They also need to know EXACTLY what they can and can't do. I found that stopped my kids tracks dead on.

God I've lost it a few times in front of my kids due to their behaviour, never occurred to me to feel bad. Kids should see how their behaviour can make people feel. Dont be so hard on yourself

Don't beat yourself up. Tantrums in 2 year olds are bloody hard work. 💐💐
Crying in front of her won't traumatise her and neither will shouting at her provided you're also providing other ways of communicating.
Might be worth looking at positive parenting to try and help you.

Why dont you try having “quiet time” instead of a nap in her room during the day? She can lie on the sofa under a blanket with the tv off and curtains closed.
When she is having a tantrum, don’t try to stop it or restrain her, it could just make it worse. Sit quietly nearby and wait if out. She’s very normal!!

There’s a reason they call it the Terrible Twos!

You don’t need to worry that she saw you cry - there’s nothing shameful about that.

It’s worth remembering that she’s still very little - one of mine talked very early and sometimes I used to forget that she was still only a little older than a toddler. Think about how you feel when you’re exhausted/moody/hangry/feeling out of sorts physically or emotionally. She’s not old enough yet to process that and deal with it in a grown up way.

Pretty much every parent has shouted or at least spoken very loudly to their children at some point. Give her an extra cuddle and resolve to walk away and get some peace next time it gets on top of you - make yourself a cup of tea, tell her that you will see her for a story/cuddles when she is ready to stop crying, sit down somewhere where she can see you and you can see her, and try to give yourself some emotional distance from it.

You aren't failing. It's so tough and I think most parents have been where you are!

The thing that has helped me is to take a step back, breathe and really try to empathise with my toddler. It's very hard especially when you're embarrassed or angry but it really does help.

Overwhelmed? Confused? Scared? Tired? Hungry? Pain (possibly back teeth coming through?) angry? Frustrated? Too excited?

No matter how verbal your two year old is they are very unlikely to truly be able to verbalise how they are feeling and why- they just don't have those processing skills. Tantrums

Don't try to negotiate during a full on tantrum. Wait for them to finish and move them to a safe place whenever possible. Also move yourself out of harms way if possible. When they have finished always offer cuddles and a chance to talk about what happened (they may not want to.) She needs to know you're still there and have got her back.

The teacher shouldn’t be taking in 2 year olds. She’s not going to have the listening skills of say an 8 year old. Of course a 2 year old is going to run around and cause havoc it’s what they do.

Could you have a quiet time instead of a nap in the afternoon? Would she sit and watch something on TV so she's not using up any energy?

I would cancel the lessons for the next couple of weeks and see how it goes. I wouldn't want to put the teacher through that and it's stressful for you, too.

Maybe have a really strict routine in the day so she always knows what happens when, and make bedtime a bit earlier?

It sounds tough for you that you're doing all that then teaching in the evening.

Seriously don’t bother with lessons whilst they are so young if they aren’t interested.
My first child was a nightmare in these scenarios but I quickly learned and gave up until he was much older - he was much happier running off steam in a park rather than following instructions in a group.

2 year olds do tantrum, just keep on repeating what you want them to do and ignore the hysterics and try to distract them out of the tantrum if all else fails.

As a grandma of a two year old, it's an experience watching the behaviour of my grandson. He seems to second guess everything my daughter does and misbehaves at every available opportunity. He hits her if any situation arises that he does not understand or have control over, but he never hits me and we live together.
We decided that hitting her is a form of comfort for him so she never tells him off for doing that but I say 'don't hit mummy'

He hits my dogs and cats, and pulls them about. He throws food and objects and runs into things deliberately. He is pure evil :)
Distracting him works. Taking him away from any situation that has become 'bad' and doing something else breaks the chain.

It's all normal.

He has his own bed. We make sure we have done something before bedtime so he is tired and ready for sleep, and the only option is his own bed. I am there to help enforce the bedtime routine so if he kicks off with 'mummy' then 'grandma' steps in and settles him.
If he gets out of the bed we put him straight back. At first we speak but after several attempts at getting up we just put him back to bed.

This has happened lots.

We have started going swimming in the evening and he goes straight to sleep when we get home. I realise not everyone can do this but it is a sure fire winner for us.

Ballet classes ? No. Too regimented. Just my opinion of course

What consequences does she recieve when behaving in this way?
A small time out might work, although be prepared for a fight!

[quote Minttea77]@veraismyspiritanimal That obvious? First and only child after 9 years of waiting.

God, I feel so shit for shouting at her, really bad.[/quote]
Oh please don't beat yourself up about this. We have a 14 month old who just wouldn't stop throwing food on the floor. DH just made a loud, low pitched sound yesterday and he burst into a wail we have never heard before and clung to me. It wasn't even disciplining ffs, but the first time DH raised his voice. Like a PP said, everything is a phase. And like a character from a very stupid sitcom said, the pointed index finger is 60% parenting.. It's fine to get frustrated, and it's fine to burst into tears when frustrated. Do take care and seek support if you feel it's getting too much..

Toddlers are hard and we all have days when we snap.

It time to tackle the sleep issues. You have to woman up a bit here and know that the tears will lead to good sleep which will lead to a happier child.

My son gave up naps around this age. Instead we had quiet time. Get her downstairs, under a blanket, snuggle up and put on frozen or something similar she likes. Calm time to reset herself. It will give her a rest without the sleep.

Bed time and sleep will take more work. Spend a day or two playing with her with toys about going to bed. Put the toy to bed alone and role play it waking up and staying in its bed. Keep reinforcing that the toy sleeps alone.

Introduce a star chart. For each night she goes to bed nicely she gets a star and each night she sleeps alone all night she gets a star. End of the week she gets a treat of some kind (doesn't have to be a toy or expensive. Ours was going to watch trains at the stations)

When she wakes, cries whatever take her back to bed with a night night and leave. Let her tantrum (she will) but don't give in.

I remember going through this with my dd who is now 16! Best thing we ever did was put a stair gate on her bedroom door and each time she started to have a tantrum we calmly put her in her room and walked away. She was perfectly safe and soon realised she wasn’t getting any attention for the tantrum. I used to say ‘tell me when you’ve finished’. Quite quickly she learnt to calm herself then shout that she’d finished. Then she got a nice cuddle to help her relate after the tantrum. By putting her somewhere safe and giving yourself some space you will feel less wound up too. Don’t beat yourself up, being a parent is tricky and we all learn as we go along!

For the sleeping, if she refuses to go to bed for a nap could you go for a walk with her in a push chair or a drive in the car where she might drop off?

It will pass and you get periods like this.

If you are looking for some techniques, then I can really recommend 123 Magic. Get the book, it explains everything better than I can - but really does help with setting boundaries, and taking the 'Emotion' out of the interactions.

I doubt there are many mums out there who can honestly say they've never shouted or cried in front of their toddler. What helped me was realising that the tantrums were much more horrible for him to go through than they were for me to witness/deal with - when they get in that state they can't calm themselves down, they just don't have the emotional maturity yet, so it's not a matter of discipline or strictness but of trying to find a way to help/guide them through the internal storm. Strictness wouldn't help an adult having a panic attack, so why would it help a very small child who's feeling similarly overwhelmed? (I'm not saying that you should let them get away with murder, but just that the massive overtired tantrums are not the same as being naughty or defiant, even if it's something like that that starts the spiral off). Mine was very tactile as a toddler and the only thing that helped for him was holding him quite tightly and rocking with him, helping him to regulate his breathing.

'How to talk so kids will listen' was a really helpful book for us as well.

whatsleep but then someone will be along to tell you that you shouldn’t leave them alone while they tantrum 🤷🏻‍♀️ You can’t win.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I said about the dance classes above-for 2-3 year olds, teacher assured me was fine, loved the first one as free and easy to some lovely music. Teacher became strict with them after that, which is a shame as isn’t fun anymore, I’m stopping the lessons. I’m trying desperately to find her things where she can be social and enjoy herself at the moment...nothing is open here, she’s lacking challenge and I can see it. My intention was for fun

Give yourself a break!
The nap has to go, she doesn’t need it any more. I know how precious nap time is but it needs to go.
Being a mum to a toddler is hard and being a toddler is hard too. Being stricter isn’t going to do you any favours and will probably make things worse. Start saying yes to the things don’t matter, let them pick their own clothes etc.
And lastly quit the ballet!

First people querying the "ballet lessons" haven't got a clue.

It's usually a fun activity for kids to jump around and give their parent 1 hour of peace whilst someone else is leading the "dancing". So if you both enjoy it and you can afford it, don't stop!

My kids didn't have a nap anymore from around that age - pretty sure the "room" for that age group at nursery didn't have naps at all there either.
if they can't sleep, fine, they just go to bed earlier in the evening - Mine used to go to bed from 7:30 when they dropped their nap - bit early but it made for peaceful evenings.

Be firm, whatever you do don't give in the tantrums or she'll learn they work.

Hitting you is not acceptable, tell her firm "No".
but at that age, what worked for many is just distraction unfortunately.

It will get better.

@HeIsNotTheSun as long as she’s in a safe space it’s the best thing to do I reckon! I’m not suggesting you nip out to pub, maybe just go downstairs!

@HeIsNotTheSun

The best bit of parenting advice I ever received was that everything is a phase. Everything passes. You just need to hang on in there but believe me, I know it’s easier said than done.

Don’t be hard on yourself for losing the plot. It happens. She won’t remember it.

This is so true OP. It is a phase, it will pass. Stay strong and put firm boundaries in place.