Cried in front of her-can’t control her

[Minttea77]

My Dd 2.5 years has started to have mammoth meltdowns, I spend my whole day stopping her from doing things she shouldn’t, chucking everything everywhere and now she’s been refusing the afternoon nap, although is clearly tired. Yesterday she had a fit at her ballet lesson and stood in the corner crying and shouting at the teacher. This afternoon she refused to nap and just had the biggest meltdown I’ve seen, screaming and hitting me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying, god knows what the neighbours think.
I can’t carry on much longer, I barely get a break, I’m with her all day then go to teach when dp returns from work, we take it turns to sleep with her every other night and then the day starts all over again.
I’m ashamed she saw me cry and how angry I got with her, I picked her up and shouted at her, she’s barely heard me shout before.
Is this normal behaviour, how can you control it, really finding this so difficult.

Oh, and as for the co-sleeping - other cultures do this routinely. It's only the West that seems to want to live defenceless children alone in a cold dark room all night while the grown ups cuddle up together all night. Not exactly natural, and appears to be designed entirely for the good of the adults' sex lives - I can't think of any other reason for it.

You are NOT failing.
I have no real words of wisdom. DD1 has behavioural issues which we noticed around aged 2. We had a similar experience with our baby ballet at 2years old and I just didn't go back because I assumed she was done with it. Terrible sleeper from 6months and still now almost 8 years later. Shes always been very articulate and forward. She just doesn't have control of her emotions and we get daily meltdowns, sometimes physical.
I'm not saying this is the case with your DD but I am saying, I have cried, I have shouted, I have walked away. And I don't think you need to be ashamed of that my darling. I'm not.We are human. My field of expertise is those with challenging behaviour. Professionally I know what I am dealing with, I understand kids need boundaries and routine and consistent strategies and that's stood me in great stead with DD but I love her and sometimes she hurts me or I feel like a shitty mum and I'm not a robot so my eyes will leak. Don't be too hard on yourself. And re the ballet class, if it's like the one we attended it's just a chance for DD to dress up in a tutu and pretend to be a flower; not expecting them to be on pointe. I suspect its just another toddler group, not the Russian ballet. Tomorrows another day. Don't worry. You aren't on your tod. X

Thanks so much everyone, lots of different advice here.
Bit tricky to answer all points individually.
The ballet class is/was the only real planned thing she did per week at the moment. She used to do swimming on a Saturday, which she loved and a lovely free play play group type thing with lots of mum friends once a week..both closed now.
She goes in the garden daily, walks in the woods with our dog everyday (is only two doors down) and the beach/buggy walks/shopping etc other days.
She’s left to play independently in the garden lots, in the house she tends to always want me to be involved, even if I’ve put toys out etc, we do a fair few craft activities (I’m an Early years teacher, so I thought I’d ace all this 😂)
We’ve had the same routine since little-breakfast with a bit of breakfast kids tv, dressed and teeth and out in the morning usually, if not, in the garden running around and exploring (she has swing, sand, play house etc) then lunch, story, walk milk and nap. Wake from nap, in garden whilst I make dinner, helps me sometimes with baking etc or likes to sweep the floor, mop, pretend to clean the windows etc.
We often then take our dog in the woods when dp home, for a walk. Pjs, milk, story, bath sometimes and bed.
She has what I think is a great routine, eats really well, v healthy etc, just the minute the sleep’s affected, she’s a different child.
She sleeps through the night with us, so we’re ok with that for now, will have ‘Big bed’ ready in her new bedroom for new year.
Afternoon nap I often lay with her too until she sleeps, she used to sleep on me downstairs after breastfeeding, but became too big for that, she gradually decided she wanted to sleep upstairs.
I’d be ok with her stopping her nap, it would make life easier not going through this battle most days...BUT..she’s clearly exhausted and I still see she needs it...so we have the no sleep, massive meltdowns and horrendous afternoons until bedtime.
She’s a sweet, funny, smart and loving girl, but when like this...a freaking nightmare!
She’s clearly getting worn out enough during the days with fresh air, walking, nature etc..so why no sleep 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’m generally firm, but fair I’d say, and we have a good relationship..but, she is pushing things recently, so I realise now I need to step up more with the discipline.

OP I had a toddler who didn't sleep and who didn't like tumble tots. Life improved immensely (very developed language, v early btw) when I started going with the flow. When I finally understood that he didn't actually need that much sleep and the time from 7.30pm to 9.30pm turned into quiet mummy time when he looked at books or played with blocks. Daddy came in at 9.30 and he got a tiny plate of bits with daddy. At 10pm he went to bed, 5 min story and he slept until 6ish. And learnt to play until daddy was dressed and showered and brought him in at 6.30 for a story.

Eventually I realised that 7 hours of unbroken sleep was easier than the struggle.

He has just started a PhD at Cambridge! He may still be quite demanding; you know that white wall is black don't you

Personally, I would scrap the lessons for the moment and focus on getting a good sleep routine going at bedtime. Bath, teeth, book, bed (alone!) There are lots of different "sleep training" ideas online.
Don't beat yourself up about shouting, we've all done it!
Welcome to the "terrible two's" and brace yourself for the "Threenager" 😬

OP what your post doesn't tell me is: counting, colours, leaf kicking, patio painting, early phonetics, telling stories, learning flower names, etc.. Have you tried identifying musical notes - that kept ds entertained for hours. It's all about her rather than her fitting in with what you want which may be frustrating for a v v bright child.

You're not a shit mum, they can all be a challenge at times.

It was around that age I taught my daughter about taking a deep breath when emotional. I think she started being overwhelmed with all her different emotions and had no idea how to deal with them. So as soon as she started feeling upset/frustrated/cross or whatever, I would get down to her level, acknowledge how she was feeling and tell her that everyone feels cross etc. At times. But when cross, we take a deep breath and talk about it.

That approach really helped us, as it was a way of getting her to calm down before it escalated. Because let's face it, it usually escalates bloody quickly. Prevention is always better that a cure as they say. It also helped her to understand what she was feeling and why, and that we all feel it at times.

Although it kind of backfired in the sense of when she knows I'm starting to get angry she always pipes up with 'take a deep breath mummy'. Little smart arse

Oh and my child turns into a devil child when tired too. She's 3 and a half and still needs a nap during the day, she just never seems to stop moving!

Not sure if it's been mentioned but same age and teething molars causing more emotions. I believe her seeing you cry once in a while would help her develop empathy tbh. We've just had a tantrum when I said medicine before bed as she was rubbing her cheek alot but I gave her the wrong medicine and it escalated from there. Also dropping naps...

We’ve all been there. Two year olds are hard. They find it hard, you find it hard. It’s a bit shit.

DD responses well to a combination of the naughty step and discussing how to deal with her anger. We focus on how the feelings are okay, everyone has them. But she needs to understand how to channel them. It’s taken DD a while but she is better at talking about how she feels rather than going straight to tantrum.

You have no reason to feel bad. This is all normal. I have massive chunks of my life where I don’t enjoy being a parent- it’s really not realistic to enjoy a lot of the slog and headaches of parenting.

My 3 year old has massive tantrums like this too, as did her older sisters. Happens more when hungry, tired, overwhelmed or constipated!

Do not feel bad for shouting either- you were overwhelmed! I shout every so often, it’s completely normal.

You’re doing fine!! It’s just bloody hard!

@OhTheRoses Oh believe me, I don’t feel anything these days is about fitting in with what I want..it’s all about her, perhaps this is part of my problem, I need to stop worrying so much.
We do colours, counting etc as part of daily life, in crafts, play, walking..we just collected leaves and pine cones and so on last week, we’ll transfer to crafts/painting next week. She adores music and has a keyboard and guitar and so on, loves songs and nursery rhymes, making dances up..her favourite is books (I love reading too) so we’ve always had piles and piles of books around. I really can’t see what else I can do.
My only one thought was perhaps due to all the clubs and playgroups closing, she may need the stimulation of nursery..but I keep going back and forth with that one. Hence what the very controversial ballet classes were for..! A little interaction and a bit of a fun, new skill..or so I thought.

The few months when they’ve just given up their nap is famously awful. I’d advise planning a CBeebies snuggle hour in the afternoon, with a nice snack. You can both chill and rest.

If they do Incredible Years via your local children's centre or health visitor, DO IT. I remember feeling this way, and it CAN change. I hated parenting my DD at age 2. Our relationship was crap, but the course changed our whole family for the better. I recommend it to anyone who can access it.

Your activities are amazing! Give yourself a break- you’re a great mum. Children just go through intensely challenging phases and 2-3 can be really hard. Maybe work in some rest time so you can reduce stimulation and allow for a break.

Do you meet other mums with children her age ever?

OP, you haven’t actually said what you do when she tantrums. I’m curious as to how “firm but fair” works with a toddler.

I”m also wondering what “strict” looks like from the ballet leader. I can’t imagine someone running a too strict baby ballet class would do very well in their business. What is she doing that you don’t like?

Could it be she is actually using a more appropriate level of “firm” that she has seen gets results?

Ignore anyone who says you need to get her sleeping on her own. If you’re having many battles with her, that’s not one you want to add in right now, especially if she isn’t napping. I agree doing a “quiet time” is a better way. I wouldn’t put on a movie, just sitting reading or something. If the aim is that she might drop off, the TV will get in the way of that.

We decided that hitting her is a form of comfort for him so she never tells him off for doing that but I say 'don't hit mummy'

He hits my dogs and cats, and pulls them about. He throws food and objects and runs into things deliberately. He is pure evil. Distracting him works. Taking him away from any situation that has become 'bad' and doing something else breaks the chain.

This is appalling. Poor child will have an awful time at school.

OP don’t worry 2-4 year olds are difficult at times. Give her a bit of independence, crack bedtime and pick your battles. It will be ok.

My dd used to tantrum in her sleep at this age of that makes you feel any better! It's totally age appropriate (and such hard work). It's eased a bit more but she is more emotional generally than her brother ever was - I have to work very hard to set empathetic limits. Some days I rock it, others not so much. I found aha parenting website useful.

My DD had quite a few tantrums at that age. She grew out of it very quickly within 6 months and then became the most easy going dreamy girl ever. She's still like that and she's 20 now.

This too shall pass.

Actually the teething point above may be apposite. When we was about 7 he sat in the corner of the sofa sobbing over a 2nd molar cutting through. He was a tough alpha lad. Never realised until then what they could go through.

Might also be worth getting low level ear infections checked.

I lost it regularly with DS - he knew all the strings to.pull and buttons to press. And survived.

When she has the tantrums, knell down in front of her, to her level and look her square in the eye and say firmly Behave yourself, tell her to sit in an appropriate corner or stair ....designated for her quiet time; and walk away removing any attention to her -superficially, (Ideally, you should sit not too far away with a magazine or book for yourself); until she calms down; when is all quiet give her a warm hug and smile also, ask her what the matter was! Telling her it's nice when she is calm.... - you will need to repeat this for as long as it takes, which usually isn't long

I couldve written this myself! I need to sleep with my 2.5 yo dd otherwise she just screams and screams and SCREAMS at her bedroom door (we have a baby gate over her door. Just wanted to let you know your not alone

I remember when my DD was 4 having many similar days. On one occasion I put her in her room for hitting me (for what felt like the hundredth time) and stood in the kitchen crying, listening to her screaming and kicking the shit out of her door. She is now an amazing teenager. Just be consistent with boundaries and consequences and it will pass, hang in there.

Jesus all the comments about the poor ballet teacher! She knew the age of the child and was happy to take the money!
Also nothing wrong with co sleeping as long as your child has a bed of their own, which they can use if they want to.
Children are much more secure that way, if they need it.