Cried in front of her-can’t control her

[Minttea77]

My Dd 2.5 years has started to have mammoth meltdowns, I spend my whole day stopping her from doing things she shouldn’t, chucking everything everywhere and now she’s been refusing the afternoon nap, although is clearly tired. Yesterday she had a fit at her ballet lesson and stood in the corner crying and shouting at the teacher. This afternoon she refused to nap and just had the biggest meltdown I’ve seen, screaming and hitting me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying, god knows what the neighbours think.
I can’t carry on much longer, I barely get a break, I’m with her all day then go to teach when dp returns from work, we take it turns to sleep with her every other night and then the day starts all over again.
I’m ashamed she saw me cry and how angry I got with her, I picked her up and shouted at her, she’s barely heard me shout before.
Is this normal behaviour, how can you control it, really finding this so difficult.

Get a glass of wine, unwind and know you sound like a great mum, you wouldn't be so upset if you weren't.

Not read the whole thread but as much as possible ignore the tantrums. Start playing /doing something that you know she likes and she may calm down and join you.
With the nap could you do a quiet time like puzzles or stories. Sometimes with my eldest I'd put a story CD on and snuggle under the duvet with her on the sofa. 9/10 times she'd fall asleep.
The problem is, if she's used to you being in her bedroom to sleep at night she's going to want you there at bed time. I'd really try and get her out of that habit as it might even help her sleep better.

@mintymabel get a grip, OPs child is 2, 2 years old! As a pp said, some peoples children are naturally more compliant and others are the absolute opposite - should we not give them socialisation if they aren't so naturally well behaved? No amount of boundaries would have made my DD comply when she wasn't interested at 2!

A 2 year old running around during a class isn't being naughty! She is exploring.

Good grief my eldest has always had ants in her pants. At nursery she has her own special 'fidget mat' as it's the only way to get her to still long enough to get her to listen to a group story. The nursery have always said she is a very well behaved child, in fact everyone comments how 'good' she is. She is just generally happier when running around and rolling in mud. Children learn through play, and when they're that young it's good to give them freedom where it is safe to do so.

Expectations should be age appropriate

With my kids we sing a calmdown song normally Big block Mad because the words are easy, catchy, actually has steps to calm down and most of all it is a distraction from what they were Raging about.

Once calm we have a cuddle and talk about why she was so angry, overwhelmed or disappointed.
It doesn’t mean you give in but it helps them understand what the feeling they are being all consumed by actually is.

Tantrums are normal. Teaching her how to self regulate is the key for now and the future. Adults can’t always handle their feelings all the time so why would you expect more from a 2 and a bit year old?

It’s totally fine for her to see you cry. Tell her my you were.
Teaching empathy is important.
Don’t hide in the toilet.

Do quiet time rather than a nap. Read a book, quietly colour etc.
It’s likely she’s dropping her day naps.

Little kids are given very little control over anything so give her a little bit even if it’s just an illusion of control.
Like she gets to pick her clothes as long as it’s weather appropriate who cares if it doesn’t match, she gets to pick one healthy thing for her dinner, you choose the rest.

Slow transitions helped a lot in our house too. Warn her of up coming changes, ie we are watching 2 Blueys then TV goes off but if you argue then we won’t get to watch my more TV today, buy a kitchen timer and set it for 2 minutes then change your activity etc,
If you need them to do something but break it down into small easy to follow steps or get her to tell you the steps.
If a kid is busy focused and playing, it would be like if an adult was watching a enjoyable movie at a very important bit and someone just walked in and changed the channel with no warning and told you that is what your now watching.
You’d be fucked off but Adults do it to little kids ALL the time.
No warning and just change the activity then wonder why they lose their every loving mind and call the kid naughty.

Also you have my sympathy for the sweet little girl who is occasionally raging monster.

Who gives a shit what others think. It’s unlikely you will ever see them again.
And those looks you feel are judgmental are most likely actually sympathetic parents thinking thank god that’s not me today because they have been their themselves at times.

I’ve had 2 of them and promise they grow out of it.
So take a breath, right it off to being just that sort of day, give yourself a cuddle, brush yourself off and start again.

Some days I’ll offer my dd’s a restart to the day because at times everyone needs one.
Best advice I ever have been give was to feed the good behaviour and starve the bad as for a 2 year old ALL attention is good attention but don’t set them or yourself up to fail.

I think you should keep the ballet class if you want. It's hardly the Vaganova Academy! It's clearly just baby movement - although the teacher should probably take a chill pill.
I would probably just go with the flow, don't enforce naps and let her stay up if needed so she will at least sleep for a sustained period through the night.

[quote Minttea77]@LadyLoungeALot So hard not to give in in a sense as she was stood in her bedroom steaming and shouting and crying because she wanted to go downstairs and not nap. It’s so hard as without that nap, she’s even worse.
All our problems are around sleep or lack of, hence the sleeping with her as it’s the only way we get any sleep. Really not enjoying being a parent at the moment at all. I’m usually very strong and patient, today I just lost it and cried.[/quote]
I can understand attempting to put your child down for a nap... but to let it get to that stage where your child is distressed OP would it not of been best to let your child not nap and go to bed a bit earlier?

It'd bloody hard sometimes!
I agree with others who say let her get on with it while acknowledging you can see she's angry/upset... Reassure her she's safe but don't interact, is her room pretty safe of things she can damage? If do sit there with here, thrown things can be picked up later. The hardest part is NOT to give in after a while or next time she will know if she keeps going you will back down.
We found offering an ice pop / something crunchy ie carrot sticks helped ours calm down.
Sleep deprived kids can be bloody awful, but think how you feel when you're tired and you understand why you/she needs it. Good luck 🤞

Providing she is in a safe environment I would just go outside for a couple of minutes to breath.

Forgot to say if you are unhappy that you shouted at her, apologise to her. You can ssy you felt upset she was throwing things (whatever...) but you shouldn't have shouted at her and you're sorry. X

I have shouted at and cried in front of mine at least 3 times so far.

When he had tantrums I would just stare at him and then say quietly but confidently “I know you are feeling X because of Y, but you cannot hit/kick/push your sister or whining about it will not help. Let’s do this instead...”

He was mostly a good sleeper but when he started to refuse naps that he very much still needed, I put him in the baby carrier. I know people will say that you shouldn’t still be rocking them to sleep at that age because they’ll form bad habits but like most similar advice I found that to be untrue in our case. I think it made him feel calm and secure. And when the phase passed, as they always do, he went back to putting himself to sleep without a fuss. On bad days, I honestly think you should do whatever you need to do to get through and don’t give yourself a hard time about it.

Be kind to yourself. You're doing great!

My kid was always the one running round the outside of the room while all the other kids were doing the activity, if it's not working don't feel bad about stopping it.

Agree with pp if she's dropped the nap but still tired then you need quiet time. Speaking personally, an hour of iPad was my best friend at this time 🤣

Good luck and give yourself a break, it's not your fault. I think its actually good for them to see their parents are humans with emotions too.

My DD dropped her afternoon nap at 2- she was the first of her friends to do so and I was disappointed that it happened so early.🤣. As others have said, make it quiet time instead, she can play quietly with toys, puzzles, etc. and if she’s thoroughly tired by the evening, she’ll go to sleep more easily.

Getting overwhelmed sometimes happens to every parent- my two are 15 & 12 and I had a big strop last weekend as I was was fed up with everyone’s demands ( including DH’s). I banged around in the kitchen for a bit muttering about how ungrateful they all were...they probably thought grumpy old Mum was funny, but who cares. We’re human, OP, and we do our best most of the time, we’re allowed to be imperfect parents occasionally!

Dd2 was the master of tantrums. As a pp suggested I used to just totally ignore them. Completely blank and get on with what I was doing. You get to learn when it's over and they are ready for a cuddle - too soon and it re starts. Too long and you feel like an emotionally neglectful parent for leaving a sobbing toddler. If it's any consolation she's now the most amazing 7 year old albeit strong willed, and has just had the most amazing school report you could ask for. You get used to ignoring the stares of others too.

@Anordinarymum

Your grandchild hitting your daughter and pulling/hitting your cats and dogs is not normal behaviour to be tolerating.

Your poor pets, and I’m sure the consequences will be grave for them if after being antagonised they attack your grandchild.

Really worrying to read your comment.

We switched from trying to make DS nap at this age to having him stay in his bedroom for quiet time. We made the room safe and put a baby gate on the door. I would lower the lights and put on some soft classical music, read a story then leave him to play. Sometimes he would end up asleep, sometimes not, but I always got a much-needed break from him.

OP be kind to yourself, parenting is a minefield and you inevitably feel guilty whatever you do. This stage will pass.

If DS has a wobble at an organised activity, I just take him home. No fuss, just scoop up and stick in the car. Home tantrums were dealt with by naming what he was feeling and staying calm at a safe distance. Hitting was met with a sharp “ow” from me and physically withdrawing (standing up, stepping away). One thing I still do is massively praise the good and largely ignore the bad.

It’ll be ok. I’ve cried in front of DS, but I’m only human! You’ll work it out.

My child was an absolute nightmare if they didn't get a lot of exercise. Maybe she needs to run around a lot rather than be hemmed into an indoor class. And that means every day for at least half an hour. I also agree with the boundaries. It's really hard to implement but works in the end.

You sound like a lovely mum and you're doing a great job but if you draw a line in the sand now and keep at it, even though it will initially be more work, it's worth it in the long run.

Good luck and don't take it personally. People whose children are effortlessly well behaved are lucky with genetics. Many of us have to struggle through it.

It doesn't sound quite like babyballet from your post, but our's has become more "strict" due to social distancing, is that the case with your's?

Ie previously the children moved about freely but the idea was to join in together marching in a circle, or waving a scarf, going up in turn to collect a tambourine etc. My 2 year old often ran off round the room but came back to join in as did many others. She loved it

Now it's completely different as they have to stay on their own mats for the whole session spread out in a large room and she just doesn't find it engaging at all and just rolls around and gets cross so we've stopped now. Lots of the other toddlers seem to like following moves on the mat still though, they are all different

It's a shame so much is shut at the moment but sounds like you are making best of it, does she start preschool at 3?

Mine had a week of colossal tantrums and now just the usual, hopefully just a phase. I think she does have some boundaries but she's also a 2 year old so I'm not too worried (although then I read about some posters whose 2 year olds diligently follow all directions and wonder!)

Also sleep with mine - she has never in her entire life dropped off anywhere other than after a long time of us lying with her, or in the car. Believe me, we've tried, and paid hundreds to two different sleep trainers. This was the case from her very first nights when she was up far more than any other babies on the postnatal ward (I held her all night so as not to disturb other mums in the end)

I do wonder sometimes if posters realise some children are different from their own

Also please do not be too hard on yourself. Any one who tells you they’ve never yelled at the kids and had a weep about how overwhelming things can be they’re lying hounds. This is the real world with real issues pressures worries chAllenges not the world of Mr Tumble.

I think there many parents who have considered, for a split second, throwing a 2 year old in the bin.

OK I'm not a parent so this is based on what friends have done

1. let the tantrum go on but once over the child has to appologise to everyone

2. wrap arms round the little one - beware of teeth and elbows, so they are safe and don't let go until they have calmed down, talk to them but keep hold

3. Think about the first time you saw her and every night watch her sleep for 5 mins.

The PP who said to have quiet time in the bedroom is wise indeed. YOU need that rest as much as dd. Make her a safe place and leave her to it.

Can you go for a long walk before nap time? preferably with somewhere to run about?

Don't beat yourself up op. And I tried toddler ballet with my twins at age 3 and gave up as it was too regimented for them. I cried with humiliation on the way home from each class then thought wtf am I doing? They instead went to a music dance type group that was incredibly easy going, kids running about, hiding behind curtains etc and the lady genuinely didn't mind, it was anything goes, very wild. They enjoyed that more, it was great. Maybe try a different group. Personally I would get the sleeping alone at night in her own bed thing sorted ASAP as all of you will be less tired. And you're not failing, this is all normal x

Throwing a 2 year old in the bin 🤣