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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cried in front of her-can’t control her

285 replies

Minttea77 · 14/10/2020 16:25

My Dd 2.5 years has started to have mammoth meltdowns, I spend my whole day stopping her from doing things she shouldn’t, chucking everything everywhere and now she’s been refusing the afternoon nap, although is clearly tired. Yesterday she had a fit at her ballet lesson and stood in the corner crying and shouting at the teacher. This afternoon she refused to nap and just had the biggest meltdown I’ve seen, screaming and hitting me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying, god knows what the neighbours think.
I can’t carry on much longer, I barely get a break, I’m with her all day then go to teach when dp returns from work, we take it turns to sleep with her every other night and then the day starts all over again.
I’m ashamed she saw me cry and how angry I got with her, I picked her up and shouted at her, she’s barely heard me shout before.
Is this normal behaviour, how can you control it, really finding this so difficult.

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 14/10/2020 17:38

Two year olds like to throw things and learn about cause and effect. Make sure she has lots of access to building and knocking it down, water play, messy play etc. They seem to learn by deconstructing things when they are under 2.5 years. Between 2 - 2.5 is one of the more challenging ages - it's the age they think they know better than you!

Make sure there is plenty of unstructured running about and climbing time. Two year olds love to move and run.

Try to start nap time earlier than when they get tired, that way you can do a story, puzzle, or whatever your child enjoys that's a quiet activity and lead that into nap time. When they are fully tired they can be harder to settle.

I should add that I work with 2-3 yo and it is a challenging age stage but they are lovely too.

Topseyt · 14/10/2020 17:40

@whatsleep

I remember going through this with my dd who is now 16! Best thing we ever did was put a stair gate on her bedroom door and each time she started to have a tantrum we calmly put her in her room and walked away. She was perfectly safe and soon realised she wasn’t getting any attention for the tantrum. I used to say ‘tell me when you’ve finished’. Quite quickly she learnt to calm herself then shout that she’d finished. Then she got a nice cuddle to help her relate after the tantrum. By putting her somewhere safe and giving yourself some space you will feel less wound up too. Don’t beat yourself up, being a parent is tricky and we all learn as we go along!

For the sleeping, if she refuses to go to bed for a nap could you go for a walk with her in a push chair or a drive in the car where she might drop off?

I used to do this. We too put a stairgate on DD's bedroom door. It certainly didn't do mine any harm, and did save my sanity occasionally.

My DDs are grown up now and don't remember it.

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. Young children are very hard work and seem specifically designed to push all of your wrong buttons. We've all been there.

tiredybear · 14/10/2020 17:41

OP, I get it, it's tough. I also did the same when my son was that age, childcare all day then teaching afternoon/evenings...it's exhausting.

Please lower your expectations though...human beings are allowed to have feelings! Both you and her. Of course you can't 'control' her.

Continue to redirect the hitting 'I can see you're really upset but I can't let you hurt me' and either gently restrain or move away. My son used to get frustrated with something then come and find me in a different room and hit me! The git! It WAS a phase and it DID pass.

The important thing is to repair afterwards...so if you have resorted to shouting (and EVERYONE has at some point) apologise afterwards. This way you are being a model for them.

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 14/10/2020 17:43

My dd used to have mammonth tantrums at that age OP.
Screaming, throwing things, kicking the floor, Chucking her head back etc.
She’s almost 10 now, and very well mannered, polite, caring. It will pass.

What I used to do was.... ignore her. Literally step over her, as if it wasn’t happening.
And really praise any positive behaviour, like really OTT praise it, and ignore the bad. (Well, unless it was super bad, then I’d punish with the naughty step. People knock it, but I thought it worked really well, I haven’t actually used the technique in years)

Babamamasheep · 14/10/2020 17:43

Follow calm and bright sleep support on Instagram, they do sell plans but we didn’t do that, just followed their free stuff. They offer loads of free support which turned things around for us

GuyFawkesDay · 14/10/2020 17:44

My DD hated the "ballet" classes. Cried, clung to me (very unlike her)

We just stopped. She went back once she had started school and now she dies dance x4 a week.

At two they're so capricious. Lots of 2 option choices "yellow cup or blue" so she feels like she has some control. Grey rock the tantrums. If she hits, a firm "No! That hurts" and put her somewhere dull away from you. When she wants a hug, she's telling you she's sorry so accept it and talk it through with her that biting/whatever is not acceptable, even when we are cross.

They get there. Promise!

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 14/10/2020 17:45

Posted too early. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re a human being, not superwoman.

Kids are At the beat of times, especially At that age.
Why do you think they call it the ‘terrible twos’

madroid · 14/10/2020 17:45

If you have a safe garden let her play in it on her own for a short time everyday (as long as you are in sight/sound distance).

Having a bit of time apart and in nature will really help calm her generally.

m4d0 · 14/10/2020 17:47

Honestly the best advice I was given was to pick your battles I have a 2.5 year old so get it and done days so much easier than others. DS also does sine pre school now which helps a lot as we both get a few hours break from each other.
Addressing the sleep issues I suspect would help things a lot too easier said than done I know.

Caplin · 14/10/2020 17:51

Crikey, I remember one of mine lying down screaming mid aisle in M&S (not even Asda!). I just carried on shopping and ignoring her, even though I was dying inside.

No point trying to hug them in that state, just sit nearby until they burn themselves out. Keep offering hugs when they are ready.

I used a time out step when mine were acting out. Worked with both, though the youngest was more bloody minded and could hang in for half an hour without apologising.

Boundaries are the only way to survive this phase.

AllesAusLiebe · 14/10/2020 17:52

No advice here, op just solidarity.

Today I was sitting in my kitchen having a lovely breakfast with ds (also 2), for the first time in weeks without him screaming or shouting or throwing things.

I glanced backwards and noticed the kitchen bin had an indentation in it after I'd kicked it last week in pure frustrated rage at ds's behaviour. He wasn't there when I volleyed the kitchen bin, but my point is that we all do things that we maybe shouldn't, especially after poor sleep and under stress.

Give yourself a break. You're trying your best and that's good enough.

2bazookas · 14/10/2020 17:52

You really really need to break that bedtime habit. She is tired because she's not getting enough sleep at night to sustain a whole day now she doesn't nap. .

She's not getting enough sleep at night because Mummy or Daddy is in the bedroom keeping her awake for hours.

BiBabbles · 14/10/2020 17:53

It sucks, but it is okay for them to see you cry sometimes. To see the impact they're having. When you feel you can be under control again, talk about it with her, including the feelings that you shouldn't have done that and will try not to in future, but everyone gets mad sometimes.

For the hitting, something we did was hold the hand they hit with, and tell them it's our job to keep them safe and to keep others safe from them until they can learn to do it themselves. If they hit with the other hand, we'd hold that too until they calmed down. There were a few occasions DS1 ended up with both hands and both feet being held for a few minutes (thankfully my spouse has large hands). It helped during the phase to have that system, or really any system that works for you like the pp, using a baby gate with a safe room works well.

For the class, I'd probably drop at least until she's sleeping better. Replace that challenge with exploring outside or other spaces on her own terms. As the pp said, that bit of control can really help and spending a long time meandering along at their whims works well and they can find their own challenges.

OldGreyBoots · 14/10/2020 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namechange8471 · 14/10/2020 17:57

Toddlers are hard work op!

Like pp said, pick your battles. Theres two things i would address first.

The tantrums-

Time out might be the best soliton, 'naughty step' or similar. She's only young so needs to be corrected straight away and placed on 'time out'.
When shes served her 'time' explain again why she was put on timeout, then a hug, continue with the day.

The bedtime arrangement-

Just no to the current situation. She needs to be in her own bed in her own room.
I went through similar with DD, i used the 'controlled crying' method. Others may not agree, and you may find one that suits you better.

I promise once you get bedtime routine sorted, everything else will seem so much easier!

Katypyee · 14/10/2020 17:57

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC Your advice is spot on! Thank you.

Please do not be so hard on yourself. Cry until you feel better. Children are hard work.

At this age, they are learning about their emotions and feelings and how to regulate them. This is their way of communicating how they are feeling. We should not be punishing them for it.

And for the people going on about ballet lessons not being suitable, I will repeat what has been said time and time again, THE CLASS WAS FOR 2-3 YEAR OLDS!!!!

AnxiousPixie · 14/10/2020 17:58

We've literally just come through it. 2.5 to just prethree, exactly as you describe, I lost it a few times and cried in front of her too - we are only human - but I felt like the worst in the world too.

With us it ended as soon as it started. She's three today and no tantrums for two weeks now. As others have said, fingers crossed it's just a phase for you too!!

Eviebeans · 14/10/2020 17:58

Cut the ballet for a while and take her for a splodge round the park in her wellies. The fresh air will do you both a lot of good and she can be as loud as she likes and so can you.
A bonus would be if she fell asleep in the buggy on the way home

TooMinty · 14/10/2020 17:58

Toddlers are hard work. My DS1 had (and still does have) really advanced articulate speech. But don't let that fool you, they don't necessarily have advanced understanding or emotional control. I found I was expecting him to behave older than he was because of his speech. So she could still be frustrated, over tired, emotional - all the toddler things. Be kind to yourself and remember she is still not much more than a baby. She will grow out of this, it is hard work but you'll get there.

Lindy2 · 14/10/2020 18:00

I've been where you are. With hindsight my advice to myself would be:

  • ditch the ballet class asap.
  • if you find a more free flowing and tolerant type of music/active class do that instead. Don't worry if there's nothing suitable though. 2 year olds don't actually need classes.
  • get outside for lots of running around.
  • go out for a walk at nap time with your child in a buggy. It really does help them get to sleep.

2 year olds are notoriously hard work. It will get easier but if something isn't working for you or your child don't hesitate to change your approach to suit you both better.

I tried to carry on with ballet for my 2 year old even though it wasn't right for her just simply because that's what everyone else seemed to do. The snotty teacher actually asked us to leave (nice treatment of a struggling mum with a hard work 2 year old and a newborn). Never again will I put myself or my children in that position. We found an active dance class after that, that DD loved and thrived at.

TooMinty · 14/10/2020 18:00

Oh and yes to ditching any classes/activities that aren't working for you.

Anotheruser02 · 14/10/2020 18:01

At that age we had to go outside everyday for my child to resemble human, walk the park, beach or woods with ds's trusty bucket, he could run, splash, pick things up, look at things, bring home piles of wet leaves in the bucket. There was never a reason to say 'no' the worst that could happen was mess or wet clothes (which doesn't matter) and he would eat well and sleep well after lunch. I don't mind telling you how mind numbingly boring it was for me to be hanging around outside for at least a couple of hours each morning, but it was free and thrilling for him. Our whole day was shit if I didn't get outside.

bimkom · 14/10/2020 18:01

Just wanted to confirm this is perfectly normal for two to three year olds, they all do this, including the articulate ones, and one just gets through somehow and out the other end.
I don't think it is a problem your DD saw you cry, not that she is old enough to really appreciate it, but it shows her that what she does has consequences for you and she can upset you. More importantly is not giving in - because once you do that, then she learns that tantrums are an effective manipulation technique, and will keep on with them even past the age when they normally hit (which is perfectly rational behaviour, if you engage in behaviour that gets you what you want, why would you not continue?). If you don't give in, then eventually (and I mean eventually) they learn that this is not effective (especially if they work out that other techniques, like asking nicely, being good or negotiation are more likely to work), and they grow out of the tantrums, but that takes time.

What works for tantrums, in my experience, varies from DC to DC. I did sometimes find just hugging tight during the tantrum was effective, depending on whether that was appropriate. For one DS, for example, he was distractable, and after giving him a few minutes for the worst of it to blow, I would try distracting him with something else. With DD, however, who was incredibly focused and could never be distracted onto anything, the technique that worked best was to make her laugh, and the most effective way of doing that was often for me to "play imitate" the tantrum - so if she stamped her feet, I would stamp my feet in a very silly clowning way. If she lay down and screamed, I would lie down (obviously not possible if out), and pretend to kick my hands and feet in a play silly imitation of what she looked like, and she often found it so funny to see mummy do this that she would laugh and snap out of the temper tantrum. Can't promise it works with anybody elses DC, just something I worked out with this particular one. Point is, she didn't get whatever it was that she wanted, but if what she really wanted was mummy attention and getting down to her level, she got that. Obviously I was not in any way, shape or form, actually temper tantruming, I was just making the gestures that, if you think about it, are really rather amusing, in an exaggerated form.
And they do grow out of it, she won't be doing this when she is applying for university!

babygroups · 14/10/2020 18:02

It gets easier op, I promise Thanks

LolaLollypop · 14/10/2020 18:02

OP I sympathise as I found from around 2.3 to 3yrs an absolute challenge with my DD. She was a fantastic toddler who made us all laugh but during that 6ish month period (which coincided with lockdown and a new baby brother) she made our lives really hard work. A few things that I found helped:

Make sure she’s not hungry or tired. Looking back a LOT of the meltdowns were when she hadn’t napped or eaten a proper meal.

Learn when she’s really upset and when it’s just a tantrum. Lots of tears, inconsolable, red faced and emotional - she needs to be wrapped in a cuddle rather than disciplined (whatever she’s done).

Get down to her level and talk - rather than shouting down at her, get on your knees and try to ask her what’s wrong. Often they just want to express something to us and acting out gets our attention.

Always follow through with your consequence - if you threaten to take away a toy if she misbehaves again, make sure you do so. If she learns that you give empty threats, she’ll keep playing you.

Good luck! If any consolation, as soon as DD turned 3 she has turned into a delightful little girl! Almost overnight!