Cried in front of her-can’t control her

[Minttea77]

My Dd 2.5 years has started to have mammoth meltdowns, I spend my whole day stopping her from doing things she shouldn’t, chucking everything everywhere and now she’s been refusing the afternoon nap, although is clearly tired. Yesterday she had a fit at her ballet lesson and stood in the corner crying and shouting at the teacher. This afternoon she refused to nap and just had the biggest meltdown I’ve seen, screaming and hitting me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying, god knows what the neighbours think.
I can’t carry on much longer, I barely get a break, I’m with her all day then go to teach when dp returns from work, we take it turns to sleep with her every other night and then the day starts all over again.
I’m ashamed she saw me cry and how angry I got with her, I picked her up and shouted at her, she’s barely heard me shout before.
Is this normal behaviour, how can you control it, really finding this so difficult.

*We decided that hitting her is a form of comfort for him so she never tells him off for doing that but I say 'don't hit mummy'

He hits my dogs and cats, and pulls them about. He throws food and objects and runs into things deliberately. He is pure evil
Distracting him works. Taking him away from any situation that has become 'bad' and doing something else breaks the chain.*

No I'm sorry this is not all normal, this needs to be dealt with. A child isn't born into the world knowing right from wrong. They need to be taught and by not telling him off for these things, and making him understand its wrong, you are enabling it.

When she has her first age 14 tantrum you will look back at the terrible 2 year with fondness. Being a parent is not easy - everyone learns as they go along

Don't beat yourself up about it. All children have tantrums and go through the very head-strong and button-pushing stage. We all, as parents, go through hair pulling and crying too!

Your child is 2 years and 3 months old. She is testing boundaries and this is why they call it the terrible 2s. It will pass. Obviously that doesn't help you now, but as others have suggested just ignore the behaviour.

It is completely OK to have a cry - you're releasing pent up frustration and stress and in my eyes its better out than in! I hope you feel better now.

I have 2 kids and I can honestly say it DOES pass (how long i can't say - my son is nearly 5 and he still has his moments!). You'll learn how to deal with meltdowns in your own way and what works best for your child too as the months and years go by.

Good luck and please don't be too hard on yourself xx

Stair gate on her bedroom door, put her in for her nap, and supernanny it. No responses just keep putting her back to bed

I have 3 adult sons and 4 grandchildren
My best advice would be
Don't go for the worst consequence first, don't threaten a punishment you don't feel you can see through (if you've had a bad night's sleep and feel fragile maybe) and enjoy them - try to be in the moment and make the best of every situation - none of this lasts forever

@Eviebeans

When she has her first age 14 tantrum you will look back at the terrible 2 year with fondness. Being a parent is not easy - everyone learns as they go along

Hahaha isn’t that the god’s honest truth!!

Bless them, it’s a good thing we love them so much.

@Minttea77 it’ll be ok.

OP my youngest daughter had THE most incredible meltdowns around that age for a year or so. Head banging, wailing, ground rolling, howling histrionics where she would get so locked in we just had to wait for her to exhaust herself and ensure she didn’t hurt herself on anything . We came to realise it was a form of frustration and inability to communicate. I would say as she approaches her teens she is a ‘strong headed child’. But she is spirited and I love her feistiness! It will pass.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

She’s far too young for Ballet lessons. Come on op She’s not even 2.5. She’s only a little baby. The fact that she’s having meltdowns there must tell you she’s not happy. Plus it’s not fair on the teacher either. Also please do not be too hard on yourself. Any one who tells you they’ve never yelled at the kids and had a weep about how overwhelming things can be they’re lying hounds. This is the real world with real issues pressures worries chAllenges not the world of Mr Tumble.

That''s not true, 2.5 is ripe for ballet lessons, if they want to go. She clearly doesn't.

not sure what you think they do with 2 year olds in a ballet class, they're not up against the barre, they're just sitting in a circle and/or skipping.

OP you have my sympathies, but like a pp said I'd grey rock a tantrum. But I was very lucky with my kids in that regard (it's now they're wilful personalities have taken hold, getting harder to ignore)

Unless you’re a complete saint it’s perfectly normal to occasionally shout out and/or get upset by your kids. Especially under these stressful conditions.

Is she/could she go to nursery so you both get a break?

And have your tried sleep training - it’s the root of so many issues.

@Minttea77
You need to get the night sleeping sorted asap.
This is of the utmost importance. If you think it's beyond you and your husband's capability, please consider hiring a toddler sleep specialist. It will be money very well spent.

If you don't do this already, it might be a good idea to establish a fairly predictable daily routine.
Start with the two of you getting chores done. She can 'help' and you can tell her what a helpful big girl she is.
Try to get out from mid morning to just before lunch, rain or shine, so she can run and wear herself out.
Instead of napping during the day, try a nice warm bath after lunch (around 1 pm) followed by a spell wrapped up in blankets on the couch for both of you. She may well drift off to sleep there, or you could have storytime, listen to music, sing together, etc.
Then let her 'help' getting dinner together or give her something to 'clean' with baby wipes.

Do you have any space where she could do some sensory play - some ideas:
www.learning4kids.net/play-categories/list-of-sensory-play-ideas/

Children of two love to just feel different textures - running their hands through big basins of lentils or rice, or squeezing shaving foam+sand or water balloons not filled too full and tied off. This sort of activity is best undertaken in a small, confined space.
Sorting coloured pompoms with little plastic tweezers is fun too.

Do you have anywhere in your home or garden where she could bounce? You could use a mattress indoors.
Do you have a garden where you could put a sand pit?

All toddlers are doing the very best they can, and they have limited self control, though they are very teachable if you try to be consistent, kind and firm.

By the same token, you as a mother are doing the best you can too. Cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for shouting.

It does no harm at all for your toddler to realise that you have your limits. In fact, it is really, really important for her to sort out in her head that you and she are separate people, that you have your own feelings, and that there are things she can't do because they upset you.

At this age, it is really, really important for her to sense the limits of acceptable behaviour on her part and to gain a glimmer of understanding of what is important to you, what behaviour you do not want and what behaviour you do want. Don't pussy foot around here for fear of hurting her feelings. She can learn what you expect only from your reaction to her behaviour. The odd shouty incident isn't a problem - it can actually serve as a way of teaching her what you expect from her as long as it's not your habitual way of communicating with her and as long as your expectations are age appropriate.

Tantrums are very trying. Sitting them out and then reconnecting with a hug if possible is the best way to deal with them. Don't worry about tantrums in public. Most people have been there and understand. You don't need to be concerned about the opinions of those who haven't or don't.

Your decision to take her out of the dance class was the right one. The teacher sounds very inexperienced. Strictness has no place in a toddler movement class.

Would you be able to find an online movement class DD could participate in along with you? She could prance around your sitting room.

Hi OP

This sounds really hard for you and I’ve been there.

Firstly, it’s entirely normal behaviour for a 2 year old. It’s important to tailor your discipline techniques to the developmental age of your child and a 2 year old is most likely to respond to a calm but clear no, then distraction and redirection to another activity. Plus lots of time for play and cuddles at other times (which it sounds like you re doing) as it’s a confusing time for kids of that age , with so many changes happening in the brain, and they need their caregiver to help them to soothe and co-regulate their emotions. Time outs and sticker charts tend not to work so well at that age for most children, as they are not usually developmentally ready to make the link between their behaviour and the consequence. I found Toddler Calm by Sarah Ockwell-Smith to be very helpful and reassuring at that age.

They’re massive dicks at this age, 2-4 is horrendous, they’re like small teenagers in attitude but are shit boring and never give you any time off. I’m in the midst of it with my youngest (3.5) and she’s semi feral. I remember distinctly feeling like there was something wrong with my eldest at this age, blaming it on my recently born middle child and myself and hating every moment.

I wish I’d stopped the organised classes too, they just made me feel like shit and in retrospect I can’t believe I powered on.

None of my children are sleepers as young children either, it’s a killer and it’s hard to exercise judgment and rationality on years of broken sleep.

I‘d stop the classes and look into something self led like crafting. I’d also stop the naps and really try to get her sleeping better. It’s easier said than done and I’ll hold my hands up and admit I’m a massive failure here as none of mine slept through until nearly 4 but I’d try for your own sanity.

It’s really OK for them to see you upset, they learn that their behaviour has consequences and that you’re not a snack providing robot.

This too shall pass.

My daughter was born in the 70s. I put her to bed as usual and then an hour later went to the toilet. There was a strong smell of poo, she had taken her nappy off, wiped poo on the windows, curtains, her cot, all over her hands, face and hair.

I nearly had a heart attack.

Agree stop the nap, give her some quite time with a movie or program she likes, and make her have an early bed time, maybe a nice warm bath, glass of warm milk, bed time story before hand.

Also stop the classes they shouldn’t be strict. She’s only tiny and it’s hard to get them to do something they really don’t wish to at that age. Like nap. Pick your battles, it will get easier. 💐

They do sometimes drop the nap around that age and it's tough! Cruelly it's often when you're expecting or have #2 as a newborn and would sell a kidney for an hour without ministering to a demanding toddler...

IMO No point flogging a dead horse just drop the nap, accept you've lost that bit of space (but also you can swerve the stress of them not napping), the plus side is you can usually get them to sleep earlier for the night... I agree ditch the lessons, if they're not enjoying it and you're not, and it's costing you money and it isn't life or death, just drop it. Activities are meant to be fun. You can pick it back up when she's at school if she seems keen.

And don't worry about having a cry, it's tough being a mum and you're doing your best by the sound of it. It'll get so much easier in time when she can communicate more and be more independent and you can ask/find out how she really ticks - we're all guessing, largely in those first few months/years.

One of mine had tantrums like this. They seemed to be set off by nothing but in reality they were mainly when she was tired, hungry or being expected to do things that were a bit beyond her maturity level. I think because she was very articulate I expected more of her (and her sister) than they were really capable of at times and that generally lead to poor behaviour. Try and let it wash over you though that's easier said than done.

Things I found that helped: Exercise, ideally free form outdoors, before bed helped her sleep well. Also a well timed, calming bedtime routine (PJs, milk, teeth, story, meditation tape was ours). If it wasn't well timed so that she was actually tired enough to sleep but not too tired to cooperate well, it was a bit of a disaster. Deep breaths. Broad structure (not sure if this was more for me or the kids, though) and plenty of ideas up my sleeve to pull out when necessary. Give them choices, very limited choices, but let them have some kind of control. Try not to turn things into battles, if it's reasonable to say okay, we can do that later/do something else/etc., then do.

Finally (the saving grace) it's just a phase and it passes. You get through it. You aren't a bad mother just because you don't manage to be perfect every second.

The dance school my kids go to has baby ballet and it is just fun and not a proper ballet class so I think people are misreading that. If she doesn't like it take her out. Also I don't think her seeing you upset is a bad thing. You are a person as well as a mummy. You are allowed to be upset and have feelings and it doesn't hurt her to see that there are consequences to her behaviour

I find with mine, who's roughly that age, that if I try and interact at all in the tantrum phase it makes it much worse. I either put her in a different room or I leave the room and that's the quickest way to deal with it. Or I say 'mummy doesn't play if you shout at me/snatch things etc' and leave - this approach generally means she runs in to find me pretty quickly saying sorry mummy. If it's a tantrum due to hunger I get food into her ASAP and she's a different person.

@Minttea77 don't be so hard on yourself it can be so difficult sometimes especially when you feel so tired yourself.

My little one is so strong willed and does not care where she is, if she wants to have a tantrum the while world knows about it haha.

Have you tried putting her in a push chair and going for a walk at nap time? Just let her fall asleep rather than telling her she is going to sleep by putting her to bed (defiance kicks in) that way you can go for a nice coffee or pull the stroller back through the door and get on with some things.
Give her independence, messy play always works, loads of play doh, painting or do something together such as baking, lacing beads. Lots of activities that will make her tired but not restrict her.

Ballet sounds lovely but with a strict teacher defiance will kick in again.

Also just to add my little girl used to be so hard to get to sleep on a night, she now rarely naps and her bedtime routine is amazing, brush teeth, book or songs and in bed by 7-7:30pm
She is 2.3months also

Honestly I think it’s good for children to see emotions - like crying, the shouting not so much but honestly we’ve all done it occasionally in the sleep deprived early years!

Be kind to yourself

Agree with other PP. You need do to a bit of rebranding and turn "nap time" into "quiet time".
Does she still have bars on her bed? If so, i'd suggest a box of "special quiet time toys". I had 2 soft toys, 2 books and a little book with happy pictures of us. Nothing she can hurt herself/choke/ write on the walls with.
Come the new and exciting quiet time you put her in her cot and bring out the special box of toys. Even if she doesnt nap, you'll get 20 mins for a cup of tea.
If she doesnt have bars on her bed, i'd suggest making her bedroom extra safe and leaving her to play for a bit with the same box of toys. But you have to be sure she can't hurt herself. Maybe have the monitor on. I never did that as my dd had her bars on her bed for a loooong time.

Re the crying - i wouldnt worry. They have to learn that even mummies have their limits. You are only human. Xx

I really think the first thing that needs tackling is sleep. If she’s sleeping with you she’s probably not getting as good a night than if she was tucked up in her own bed. And if you’ve slept then any tantrums will be far easier to tackle. As the others have said super nanny it, and if she cries and it feels awful then remember it’s for her sleep quality.

My friend hasn’t tackled this and still has to sleep with her son aged ten! The longer it is the bigger thing it is to deal with.

As for the tantrums, don’t react too much, don’t give in, when she calms down explain why you wanted her to do that particular thing.

And remember parenting can be bloody tough, nobody does it perfectly and you will get there - as someone else says they have phases of really trying you.

@HeIsNotTheSun

The best bit of parenting advice I ever received was that everything is a phase. Everything passes. You just need to hang on in there but believe me, I know it’s easier said than done.

Don’t be hard on yourself for losing the plot. It happens. She won’t remember it.

My first was compliant -to the extreme -second total bunny boiler. I used to put him on the step some times a hundred times -I put my ipod on in my ears when he raged.

He is lovely now. It is a phase. I promise.

Why is everyone getting so weird about the ballet lessons?! Op I take my 2 year old to ballet, the franchise is actually called baby ballet and they mostly run around with scarves/fairy wands/shake shakers etc it’s great!! Especially atm like you said with nothing open to do, it’s a long day.
I’ve lost it with my toddler recently and felt horrid, it’s only natural sometimes. We all have our limits.
Be kind to yourself 🤍