Cried in front of her-can’t control her

[Minttea77]

My Dd 2.5 years has started to have mammoth meltdowns, I spend my whole day stopping her from doing things she shouldn’t, chucking everything everywhere and now she’s been refusing the afternoon nap, although is clearly tired. Yesterday she had a fit at her ballet lesson and stood in the corner crying and shouting at the teacher. This afternoon she refused to nap and just had the biggest meltdown I’ve seen, screaming and hitting me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying, god knows what the neighbours think.
I can’t carry on much longer, I barely get a break, I’m with her all day then go to teach when dp returns from work, we take it turns to sleep with her every other night and then the day starts all over again.
I’m ashamed she saw me cry and how angry I got with her, I picked her up and shouted at her, she’s barely heard me shout before.
Is this normal behaviour, how can you control it, really finding this so difficult.

And as pp’s have said - lots of warning re transitions between activities if they tend to set her off, and offering choice wherever you can (e.g. two alternatives you’re both happy with) so she feels she has more control over her life.

I think you need to ease up on the ballet. It’s meant to be fun and clearly isn’t.

Don’t shout at her if you can help it but I wouldn’t worry about crying in front of her. It doesn’t harm children to know parents get upset too.

Don’t think that because she is verbal and articulate when she is calm that she will be able to communicate clearly when she is upset or frustrated. That’s a skill very few people have, even adults. Most people become inarticulate when emotions are running high. You experienced that yourself when you lost it and cried and shouted at her. You couldn’t stay calm and articulate so why in earth would you expect a very little girl to be able to?

Give her a cuddle. Tell her you are sorry for shouting. Don’t apologise for crying, don’t teach her that crying is unacceptable. Take some of the excellent advice given on here so you can cope better with the inevitable tantrums.

And go easy on yourself. She won’t be the perfect child and you won’t be the perfect mother but you will be the best mother she ever has!

Try to work it do you can say ‘yes’ as much as possible. Walks in the woods where she can run and pick stuff up and generally tire herself out.

‘No’ is a bit of a trigger at that age so use it sparingly (but mean it when you say it). Lots of ‘yes... when’ replies.

Some very good advice here about being kind to yourself and how to parent your DD at this challenging stage of her development.
I, too shouted at my DD's and wept in frustration and despair at my inability to be a perfect mother.
DD's now in their twenties. Doing well in life. One said to me recently " You never shouted at us did you mum?"

@Anordinarymum my Best Friends son started hitting her when he was little, he’s 10 now, still does it. That is not comfort, it’s control. Stop it now.

Yo, I shout at mine several times a day but they are both strong willed, don't worry about it - very tough going to have toddler all day and then teach at night. 🍪🍷🍰 for you x

PS if meltdowns continue as she gets older, you may want to get her some age-appropriate books on dealing with emotions.

Don't be too hard on yourself Minttea77. She acting like a two year old.
It's enough to make you pull your hair out.
When my two's had meltdown temper tantrums, I used to get up and walk away, step over them as I went. They would follow and drop at my feet so I didn't miss the performance, or they would give up with no audience.
I used to shut myself in the bathroom and cleanse my skin to take my mind off it on occasion too. But whatever you do don't join in. Ask once they stop if they are finished so you can get on with whatever you were doing with them.
I did have a two year old foster daughter who would fling herself about to try and hurt herself, I put up the old travel cot/soft side playpen and put a couple of teddies in, and would lift her and plonk her in if she had a temper tantrum so she didn't get hurt.
They do grow out of it eventually, just be kind to yourself.

The other thing just to think about is whether her diet is helping or hindering her. Too much sugar and junk food really does have a huge impact on behaviour (and sleep). She'll still be a 2yo and probably still have tantrums, even if she's eating a 'perfect' diet, but if there are obvious things you could cut out, I would definitely say it's worth doing.

I feel your pain op. My little girl is 2.6 and she's turned into a screaming machine. She broke me last week as after a day of it sometimes it just gets too much. I have no words of advice as I'm going through the same thing, but please know that you're not failing as a mother. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You're not alone

The best bit of parenting advice I ever received was that everything is a phase. Everything passes. You just need to hang on in there but believe me, I know it’s easier said than done. This is the best advice, it seems hopeless at the time but it passes and then you deal with the next thing. I've got 4 and I swear I've screamed, cried and had my own meltdowns. I look at them now, sensible adults, and I am sometimes amazed. DS phoned yesterday and DH answered the phone, later he said, "He seemed fine, happy and chatty." He sounded amazed as this was the teenager from hell just a few years ago.

Just don't ask me why I did it 4 times before I realised it was such hard work. I think I might be a bit slow.

[quote Minttea77]@Nandakanda It’s a fun dance/ballet class for 2-3 year olds, I assumed would be good for movement and socialising (where I am all playgrounds, soft play, toddler groups closed, there’s nothing for them)

Feeling like I’m failing as a mum recently[/quote]
You are not failing, and you are not wrong for trying to sort some fun activities for your child.

All of the Mums on here have had moments like this. I don't want to sound negative but buckle up for the teenage years!

Be kind to yourself, you're doing your best. If your child has a meltdown, she's 2 yrs old, it's ok. If you have a meltdown, you're mentally, physically and emotionally drained, it's ok.

Take no notice of the posters who are saying that she's too young for ballet lessons, you took her to participate in an activity that would introduce her to other children and would be a form of exercise. It's not that different to taking her to a playgroup or a jungle gym. Some posters just like to make you feel bad, it says more about them than it does about you.

Hope you're ok OP, sending hugs.

Oh and the other thing a wise midwife told me is, "A mother's place is in the wrong." The sooner we learn to ride that particular punch the easier it gets. It is always our fault no matter what so don't stress.

Cuddle and distract. A favourite tv programme until she calms down

You say she refused to nap, why not let her tell you when she wants a sleep rather than adhering to a strict routine. Does she really have to go upstairs for a nap when she would obviously prefer to be downstairs? She can sleep on a sofa as easily as a bed at two and you might find she just drops off, secure in the knowledge that you are nearby. As long as she is comfy and you cover her, she'll probably sleep anywhere.

Your daughter is not unusual for her age, it is not called 'the terrible twos' for nothing. She will outgrow it.

She is old enough to let you know if she doesn't want to go to dance class any more but, if she does, give it another try especially as you say she generally enjoys it. Yours won't be the only child to have played up and it was only once. Play that one by ear.

I do hope you're feeling better now.

It's time to set some routine. Firstly, that she sleeps on her own.

You and your partner cannot go on like this. Do you have any time for intimacy? I dont mean sex but just being together, relaxing, sleeping? You need to realise that if you keep indulging her, the behaviour will just get worse.

It will be a week of really horrible bedtime. It will be awful. Put her into bed, say night night and then leave. If she gets put, put her back in and leave. Keeping at it. She will fall asleep alone eventually and it will get easier. Just get through the first week.

You need to get your nights back. It will help your mental health so much, and you will be much more equipped to handle the daily tantrums.

For the tantrums, just grey rock. Dont react. Make sure she doesnt hurt herself, but do not react at all

Toddlers really can be horrid little monsters. It’ll pass. Try and focus on having boring predictable calming bedtime routines, don’t be fun or interesting during that. Same in the half hour pre-nap. Lights low, closed curtains, calming music playing low level.

At that age they are just fighting the whole world when they’re tried and cranky.

Loads of exercise was helpful for my eldest at this age

Meaning playground or walk in the woods rather than lessons

OP, you aren't doing anything wrong. It's not called the terrible twos for nothing.
It's quite normal behaviour, believe me there's lots of challenges ahead.
What you can do is change your mindset from So hard not to give in
to Not giving in is so easy because there are boundaries, and my child won't be a spoiled brat. Don't make a rod for your own back.
Bite the bullet and get her in her own room, you need to be firm, even if you have a few nights of little sleep.
We've all been there.

Little kids NEED strictness, they need boundaries, it's how they feel safe

a baby in a balllet lesson? Really?

OP , you are doing your very best, maybe just take it easy a bit.

I would agree with exercise. My three year old is far better when she’s had a good run. If she’s cooped up all day she can be like the Tasmanian devil.

That obvious?

yes but only because we all feel like that with the first.

Kill the classes - a teacher of 2 yr olds being strict is probably not well suited to the age group.

They grow out of it, in the mean time try tricks like distraction, trying to ensure they are not over tired/hungry etc. Try not to react or give any other "reward" for bad behaviour. It is difficult to do but the tantrums seem to stop a lot quicker if they don't bring attention and fuss. Make sure they are safe and let them get on with it

One of my abiding memories of this stage is the youngest lying on the damp car park floor screaming and kicking for the Olympics whilst older siblings chatted in the car largely ignoring prize winning performance. I quality checked the biscuits until they had finished. With DC1 I would have felt just like you do.

@HeIsNotTheSun

I would agree with exercise. My three year old is far better when she’s had a good run. If she’s cooped up all day she can be like the Tasmanian devil.

We've been self isolating for 3 days and my 3 year old is turning into a rabid beast

You need to be kinder to yourself, OP.