Cried in front of her-can’t control her

[Minttea77]

My Dd 2.5 years has started to have mammoth meltdowns, I spend my whole day stopping her from doing things she shouldn’t, chucking everything everywhere and now she’s been refusing the afternoon nap, although is clearly tired. Yesterday she had a fit at her ballet lesson and stood in the corner crying and shouting at the teacher. This afternoon she refused to nap and just had the biggest meltdown I’ve seen, screaming and hitting me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying, god knows what the neighbours think.
I can’t carry on much longer, I barely get a break, I’m with her all day then go to teach when dp returns from work, we take it turns to sleep with her every other night and then the day starts all over again.
I’m ashamed she saw me cry and how angry I got with her, I picked her up and shouted at her, she’s barely heard me shout before.
Is this normal behaviour, how can you control it, really finding this so difficult.

2 year olds are very draining. I would drop the ballet, lower expectations (of her and of you), and read "Toddlers are assholes: it's not your fault" by Bunmi Laditan.

It will get easier, but not just yet.

[quote Minttea77]@veraismyspiritanimal That obvious? First and only child after 9 years of waiting.

God, I feel so shit for shouting at her, really bad.[/quote]
My darling! You are going to shout at her one million more times before her childhood is over. You are not going to get it perfect. Your goal needs to be "doing the best I can under the circumstances", not "getting it perfect every day".

She sounds utterly normal.

They are so so draining at this age. If you want my advice - I have an only as well, he is 8 now -

When she is really tantrumming, don't try to stop it.
Give her physical space, keep her safe.
Keep calm.
Name her feelings.
Rinse and repeat until the tantrum ends.

Yourself, you need to breathe and take care of yourself while it's happening. Your brain will scream at you to "fix" her - you can't - she doesn't need fixing - she is learning how to cope with horrible massive feelings, as we all do. Trying to "solve" the feelings for her will just mean she never learns to cope with her feelings at all. (This is how addiction and so on becomes a thing - people who have massive feelings and don't learn to deal with them - so when they're stressed they drink - etc! the best thing you can do for a child is give them space, empathy and safety while they are learning all this stuff).

Keep your body language soft and loving, say little to her.
Once she starts to calm a tiny bit, in a soft voice say, "DD, mummy can see how upset and angry you are." - that's it. That's all!! This might set her off again, let that happen.

She will cycle through massive screaming into a calmer state where she cries and sobs. Each time she calms slightly, just acknowledge again. "I know, you're really cross aren't you." - that's it!! You can't magic the feeling away.

Eventually she will come to you and cry and need to be held. This is the massive feeling finally ebbing away so she feels sane again. She's now exhausted and needs you so much. Hug her and remind her you love her just as she is and it's OK to cry, be cross, etc.

Then take her home and treat her like more of a baby for the day - not because you are "rewarding" her for tantrumming - but because she will be tired and whiny, because she's just burned through all her energy and ability to cope. That's why she tantrummed, she was at the end of her rope. NO child of normal development uses tantrums to manipulate or be babied - normal children want to grow up, they're jsut trying to figure out how to be "big" despite having limited energy and coping skills.

You can't discipline a 2.5 year old child out of tantrumming. No matter what anyone says here. Unless you just want to utterly break her and teach her you don't care how she feels - maybe then she'll stop tantrumming in front of you - she'll just turn it on herself or someone else though! Maybe not today, but eventually those feelings will spill out somewhere.

Regarding sleep.... I don't think sleeping with her is bad, but it might be affecting your sanity, which doesn't help. You need time to rest. Take care of yourself so that you have enough energy to cope with tantrums, that is my advice.

I would really recommend dropping any "classes". She doesn't really need to socialise for a while yet. She just needs you. Try again when she is 3.5.

Lastly: as a pp said. This is a stage. It will only last as long as it needs to. Be calm, be firm, be empathetic, set boundaries and don't feel guilty for them - and know that all of this will be over. You will survive it, if you let it happen and don't try to "fix" it all.

In the kindest possible way

Stricter?
Control?

I’m not sure thats gonna help to be honest!

Be accepting of the fact she is 2 years old, she sounds like she is a good communicator, but even then a few tantrums are not unusual.

Maybe find a way to make nap time appealing for her, nap with her even.

Lower your expectations of both of you.

Toddlers can be hell. I had a mammoth tantrummer, she was three , two had been plain sailing... Around this age they are so difficult as if they have a good nap they can then be up until eleven pm, if they don’t nap they are a monster by 5pm. This is the age when many of us also threw a newborn into the mix ( shuddering at the memory).
It is impossible to stay calm all the time, adults get tired and emotional too , so don’t feel bad. My two year old threw my new and expensive face cream into the loo at this age, I had a new baby as well as my toddler, I was shattered, and I also shouted at her for the first time and then cried, and spent the evening feeling like a terrible mother.
Tantrums are normal, and they pass, we have all been there. You do get better at dealing with them over time. Different things work for different children, but walking into another room and counting to ten helps. ( that and 🍷) .

I also co slept for ages, and I think that whatever gets the most people the most sleep is the way to go.

I remember having a tantrum when I was the age of your daughter, and that memory helps too.

As a parent who had a tantrum-ing child, and as a nursery teacher, I can tell you that ever single child who ever walked the earth has some issue somewhere and none are perfect. Your child will have highs and lows and so will you. Hold on to the good bits. The bad bits will pass. My daughter is still challenging. I still have to count to 100 regularly but with that challenge comes an independent spirit which I am so grateful for as she gets older. You're not a bad mum. You're just a mum, who tries and sometimes has a hard time like all of us.

We decided that hitting her is a form of comfort for him so she never tells him off for doing that but I say 'don't hit mummy'
Bloody hell, really???

Sounds pretty normal to me for that age, but I guess you could try looking into changing her sleeping pattern/routine, putting her to bed later, having the nap earlier, reading a story instead of singing a song, singing a song instead of readiing a story... Sometimes one method works for a while, but then something changes in them and you have to find something new.
Sometimes they can simply be right little shits, though 🤷 Going in another room was a great idea, maybe just do it sooner next time? Go and get yourself a nice cup of tea or comforting hot chocolate, lie down on the settee for a bit, let her shout it out?

It's normal unfortunately but it will pass.

You sound like you've recognised the problem is sleep so I would start by working on that. Commit some time to getting her into better sleep routines, speak to health visitor, buy books, ask advice but then decide on a strategy you are going to try and persevere. I've had to work hard on sleep with all of mine and it all goes in phases too so don't assume you've solved it just because you have a good phase.

If you shouted at her all the time or regularly then clearly that's not ok but you don't. It's fine though to occasionally just lose it, it won't do her any long term harm as long as it's the exception not the rule.

It's a pain trying to find groups, i have a just turned three year old and our groups were all cancelled and most haven't restarted, luckily she's old enough now for pre school so she has a couple of sessions there which helps. Have you thought about toddler swim classes, they're lots of fun and still running in my area?

If you could tell us exactly what bedtime's like then maybe we could give you some advice based in. Our experience?

I would try and deal with all this behaviour at home, by distracting her with lots of things. I wouldn't take her to this ballet stuff, as she is too young, as she is in the stage and age of maybe having tantrums.

And with long term patience and some tiredness, I would persevere with her sleeping in her own room, whether she objects or not, otherwise old habits won't change.

whatsleep I’m with you! But I suggested this on a previous thread and was slated for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

She's two.It's that age where they decide that they are the boss.

If she tantrums in public, remove her and ignore the bad behaviour.

If there is a reason for the meltdown (hunger, tiredness, being too hot, being unwell) the react appropriately but if it is just tantrums, ignore.

Don't come out with 'Mummy is disappointed in you' or 'I'm embarrassed of you' but make it clear that you have no time for such behaviour.

Maybe also look into getting a different job, e.g. a Saturday job instead of evenings? You must be pretty knackered from working two shifts.

It really isn't that abnormal at all.

Her tantruming or not wanting to sleep alone nor you losing it.

She may be very very articulate (my eldest was fluent long sentences by 18 months fully comprehended) however she was still a pre-schooler that had HUGE emotions.

TBH if she sleeps with one of you every night and is reaching the age of out growing daily naps I would go and nap with her! Stuff the housework.

Children need boundaries and firmness but sometimes our expectations are way too high.

Be kind to yourself

By just lose it I mean cry or shout a little obviously!!

Hi, it is so hard at this age! I don't think you should feel bad for how you reacted. You showed your daughter that you are a human being rather than a robot. I hate robotic parenting as it seems so unnatural and disconnected from the real world. Occasional upset from you is normal. Why don't you buy a big bed that you can all sleep in together? Or compromise by putting her mattress on your bedroom floor? It is normal for two year olds to want contact at night.

My little girl has just turned 2 but is very advanced for her age (thanks to her older brother). She’s had my absolute life these past few weeks and I broke down in tears - it actually made her stop her tantrum and she came over and gave me a cuddle. I told her she was upsetting me by not being good and making mammy sad. It may just be a total coincidence but since then she’s been a lot better!!

Please don’t worry about your little girl seeing you cry. Hope these terrible two’s pass quickly 🤞

I've cried in front of my 2 yr olds before. They got the better of me and I sat sobbing. But when feeling better I just explained I felt sad, it's ok to express sadness to a child.

Classes are pretty pointless for such young kids. I would end the ballet if it's more stressful than fun for either of you.

Why do either of you sleep with her? That must be exhausting. I'd definitely sleep train so you can all sleep better.

Do you have any family or friends who can babysit for a morning a week to give you a break? Can she go to nursery? I'm a SAHM and it's exhausting and mine sleep well.

What consequences does she have when she misbehaves at home op? Could you put them into use when you are out and about? Obviously if you’re in a shop then there isn’t going to be a “time out step” available but something similar?

I remember DD throwing one almighty tantrum when she was 3, I had to use all my strength to hold onto her bedroom door handle to stop her escaping. She was possessed and had the strength of the Incredible Hulk but it was a phase and she grew out of it. On the plus side, tantrums used to exhaust her and she would have the best nap after having one.

Grey rock her and remember that even when it doesn’t feel like it, you are the boss. Even when DD was having night terrors, we never slept together at night (I would of course comfort her but I would always return to my bed). We would afternoon snuggle in my bed or on the sofa but her bedtime was for sleeping and for me to have a break.

Consistency is key, stay calm and remember, you’re the boss.

There's some right nonsense on this thread. Snide comments about it being your first and judging you for taking your 2yo to a group for 2yos. And you've been told the class is too strict and also that your child needs people to be strict with her. What tosh.

Anyway OP my DD was hard work at that age. Things that helped:

1. No nap and a consistent early bed time.
2. Calm time after lunch - snuggle and story in a dim room. Bit of TV on the sofa wouldn't hurt.
3. Lots of exercise even if its just walking. At that age I've found they love going for an incredibly slow painfully boring walk where they turn over every leaf and examine every conker. Recommend a flask of coffee. Being in charge of where you go (i have found) makes them feel like they have control over something too.

All the usual bits in terms of tantrums - offer choice, make sure they aren't over tired or over hungry, use positive language, emphasise with them (i once read that simply saying "you want..." whatever they can't have calms them, eg you want to walk, you want to walk if they're mad about going in the pushchair. It has a reasonable success rate here). Natural consequences whenever possible, eg you don't want to wear your coat. OK but you'll be cold. Plenty of warning before transitions between activities and even better if you can use a timer on your phone - my kids respond much better to 'the beeps' saying its time to leave the park than me saying it!
When my DD had a rage fit and all the above had failed I simply removed her to a safe location, sat nearby and let her wear herself out.

Please remember it is normal and many many children do it at her age. I remember DD objecting to something as we reached Tesco and throwing herself to the ground, right in the entrance. A very posh looking older lady approached me and I thought she was going to have a go, she smiled and said something like "don't worry, it will pass." And it did! DD is 6 now and absolutely delightful. You wouldn't believe she was so hot tempered and stubborn at 2.

Crying in front of your child is fine if they have pushed you beyond what you can cope with. They need to see we are human too. I remember my mum crying occasionally. It was upsetting, but not in a traumatising way, just made it very clear how far we had gone. Tantrums and lack of sleep are hard. I also read ‘how to talk so kids will listen’ when we had a hard year when my daughter was 4. It’s not aimed at really young kids but the principles apply. Getting down to their level, putting yourself in their shoes etc. That said, sometimes a tantrum is just a tantrum and isn’t ok. Try saying you’re sorry she’s so upset but you can’t help her figure out how to help until she calms down. And don’t give in. Re sleep - my friend’s daughter dropped her nap early. She instigated quiet time instead, listening to audio books etc. In her room. Creating a time that didn’t have to be sleep but was in her room in her own.

There aren't many parents who have never shouted at their kids, OP, so don't beat yourself up! I've done my share, but I always feel bad, and I always apologise, and over time I've managed to do it less and less.
The child's behaviour sounds pretty normal for a 2yo. Some kids grow out of meltdowns, some don't. Try to create some strategies to deal with it, just google like crazy, there are lots of articles with advice our there, see which ones you can relate to. I think the key is to stay calm - but of course that is the hardest thing to do. Create strategies for yourself- as you seem to be doing, remove yourself, deep breaths, that sort of thing. 'High-spirited' children who have meltdowns at older ages are harder to deal with - hopefully you won't need it, but the only book we have found helpful is The Explosive Child, as such children do not respond to 'normal' parenting techniques. Good luck OP, hang in there, it sure is tough sometimes, you're defintiely not alone.

Does she have much in the way of "down time". I'm not having a go but it sounds like you're maybe doing a lot with her and trying very hard.

My DS is three and I've learned over time that sometimes he just needs left alone, especially since he dropped the nap. So we generally do stuff in the morning, and then I do my best to leave him to play by himself and watch a bit of cbeebies in the afternoon while I get on with things. On days where there's been lots going on all day he gets so grumpy, and everything we do or say is wrong!

When he does tantrum I don't react to it and I walk away for a few minutes. I'm lucky that he doesn't try to hurt himself or anything. Then when he's calmed down a little I'll try and completely change the subject and show him something in the garden or put a song on that he likes in the next room.

I think basically I just try to think about how I would like to be treated if I was losing my shit.

It doesn't do children any harm at all to be shouted at once in a blue moon by someone with whom they have a secure and loving relationship. She will have recovered a lot more quickly than you did.

It sounds like she is having meltdowns, not tantrums. These happen when a toddler's emotions become overwhelming and unmanageable for them and they lose control. They are distressing for the child and the parent, they don't have a goal (even if they were triggered by being told no) and they don't end quickly.

Please don't 'grey rock' her when she is this distressed. Be a calm and reassuring presence but don't try to communicate or negotiate with her. Offer hugs when she is calm enough to accept them.

Tantrums are the result of children learning that meltdowns get parents to change their mind so just don't fall into that trap. Don't be pushed into changing your mind to avoid a tantrum or to end one.

It sound like your DD is quite a high maintenance toddler and you are exhausted. It's normal to feel that your toddler is hard work but nobody can tell you whether your particular child's behaviour is normal on a MN thread.

Try to identify some of the triggers for her meltdowns. These could be changes to routine, being tired, being hungry, sensory overload, too much social interaction, and it might help for you to work out what they are.

Must say a child of two or three can certainly be told quite firmly not to hit and given a reasonable consequence - ‘if you hit me I am going to have to walk away until you have calmed down; you will have to sit here in the corner/on the sofa/on the stairs by yourself until you calm down. You shouldn’t hit people, because it hurts.’ That needs to be nipped in the bud right from the beginning or you will be storing up problems for the child later.