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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

281 replies

northernstar0412 · 14/10/2020 02:45

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/10/2020 18:02

I don't care that she lives in a spotless home but she cannot accept that others, especially those with DC, cannot do that, hence she'll think a toy on the floor or a kids hoody on the side of the sofa is absolute squalor.

How do you know that she thinks that?

GertieBassett · 15/10/2020 18:02

There's no excuse for being dirty. A cloth and water doesn't break the bank no matter what the circumstances are. But, being messy? I'm certainly guilty of that! I don't have fridge shelves or drawer organisers. I store crap on top of my sofas and cram my kitchen cupboards. I can't abide filth though and would not be happy visiting someone that is lax when it comes to cleanliness.

MiddleClassMother · 15/10/2020 18:13

Never, like I don't go in certain peoples cars if they're dirty or a bad driver.

EmbarrassedUser · 15/10/2020 18:17

@northernstar0412 I hear you! I haven’t been back to my friend’s house since I was last there and I was sat on the sofa only for her to reveal that she lets the guinea pigs on there and they sometimes wee!! Shock We make alternative arrangements to meet nowadays 😂

Sweettea1 · 15/10/2020 18:35

I like my home clean an tidy but doesn't bother me if friends are not one friends house is a absolutely awful to the point I think how can u live like this but it doesn't put me of visiting for an hour just refuse any offering of cakes an tea.

DorisDaisyMay · 15/10/2020 18:41

I am shocked really at how messy so many peoples houses are. I would not dream of my house being untidy when I have guests over. My ds house is smelly, untidy and dirty. I hate going there but I truly think she doesn’t see it.

I do go though because I love her. But I can not understand how we can be so different coming from the same parents!

DorisDaisyMay · 15/10/2020 18:42

Dear sister

Didiplanthis · 15/10/2020 18:42

Thankfully my friends are less judgemental. My house is chaotic and messy. I hate it. I am so ashamed its not tidier. However.. I have 3 children with additional needs, 2 of which have behaviours which trash my house - i tend not to discuss this so people may not know this. I get 2-3 hours sleep a night and have had for years. I try to work. I have depression and anxiety and massively struggle with my own executive function. I'm so glad your life is such that not only can you keep your house lovely, but that you have time to judge others. Your post doesn't just judge your friend. It judges everyone who may live like this regardless as to the reasons. I hope you are proud of making people who are just about hanging on over the abyss feel even worse. Think what you like. But you have NO idea what peoples lives are Iike...

GabsAlot · 15/10/2020 18:43

my late dm was meticulously clean i love her but it drove me mad and now im messy theres more to life

i dont have many visitors though

BigMC93 · 15/10/2020 18:44

Tough one, really does depend on the person! I know this might sound silly, but I have a relative who is beyond filthy. He has blue mould all over his microwave, dirt everywhere, dog poop and chicken drumstick bones on the floor etc. I visit his home even though I'm a relatively clean person, but if I'm being completely honest, I bring my own cup with me because I can't stand the idea of drinking from one of his. He asked me if I wanted to sleep over one night and I had to politely decline as I simply couldn't put myself through it :/ people are saying your friend is only messy and not dirty, but if I'm honest, if someone is so messy that they can't be bothered to tidy up for company, how could they possibly be clean? Tidying is far easier than cleaning lol don't put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Maybe try meeting in a neutral location from now on and use Covid/social distancing as the reason, and hopefully it will just become habit afterwards!

shamalidacdak · 15/10/2020 18:46

I'm with you on this one. I'm not one for socializing much but I won't go to dark, damp houses, dirty or messy houses. I like to feel relaxed in my environment and yes I too spring clean for visitors!

Estheryan07 · 15/10/2020 18:51

Reminds me of that episode of friend when Ross gets a really hot gf but doesn’t want to go back to her apartment because it’s a tip!
I don’t like mess I can’t stand messy homes but also I struggle to keep on top of my own family home so I understand how these things happen, must admit I take as I find now

lockdownconfused · 15/10/2020 18:54

I have a lovely friend who is super kind and supportive my kids love her kids and I love spending time with her. I hate her house though, it is absolutely filthy and stinks. We used to meet at mine mostly but there were quite a few occasions where I have had to go to hers.( birthday parties and the like) Thanks to covid I have honestly been relieved that I haven't had to go there or come up with a lie as to why we should meet up at mine Blush

Ddot · 15/10/2020 18:55

I visited someone and the house was grim, both GP's, it stink to high heaven. Fish tank was pea green I kid you not. I ended up with a grease line on my trousers from under the edge of the table I sat at. Made me feel better about my home

rallytog1 · 15/10/2020 18:58

Consider yourself lucky if you're still able to visit people in their homes. I would give anything to be able to visit my family and friends right now.

Ddot · 15/10/2020 19:00

Not bothered if a bit messy or damp in places but hate sticky it turns my guts. Sticky or greasy. Mine is always full of cat hair and too much stuff, I need to declutter

consfusedandlookingforwine · 15/10/2020 19:01

I struggle to visit messy homes. My OCD makes it impossible to focus and leaves me in a spiral for days afterwards. It’s terrible because my parents are messy people. It’s not dirty just messy but I can’t relax. I always avoid visiting and always suggest going out for coffee or they come to me.

SingleHandSue · 15/10/2020 19:15

I was close friends years ago with a clean freak, I felt like I couldn’t invite her over as my house was just not as immaculate as hers. It was never dirty or particularly cluttered but hers was like a show home and I know she judged others houses and would regularly tell me about the time her friend ‘hadn’t emptied the bin from the night before’ or ‘there was dust on the blinds!’

We’ve lost touch but I still have a pang of ‘my house isn’t good enough for visitors’ due to how anxious her judging made me.

Youandmeareluckytobeus · 15/10/2020 19:16

I'm neither a clean freak nor extremely messy but I do tend to let clutter build up on my bedside table (as does DH). If I know someone is visiting I will thoroughly clean.

I don't mind someone else's place being untidy or even a bit dirty (like a dusty bath if they generally use the shower or dusty skirting boards). I wouldn't like to visit a filthy home though. Obviously I would make allowances for those who aren't as mobile or for those with poor eyesight and might try and determine whether an offer of help might be accepted or do a bit of surrepticious cleaning. I would be put off if it was filthy and they were capable of cleaning.

I don't know how I would excuse not visiting. I have a similar issue with a friend whose house is thick with dog hair and reeks of dog. I just don't wear anything decent and try not to breathe too deeply or gave a cuppa when I am there. I go as little as possible.

I remember being invited to see the new home of DH's colleague and in the bathroom was the full dirty washing basket with a pile on top about the same height with several heaps on the floor. I was gobsmacked .....and they didn't even comment as they showed us round. It was as if it was the norm.

Paintedmaypole · 15/10/2020 19:26

Messy-no problem but I would avoid filthy/unhygeinic

Elle1234 · 15/10/2020 19:31

If i visit friends its because i want to see them, not their house!
The only thing that puts me off is poo or wee! Like dirty litter trays or untrained animals crapping on the floor.

BigMC93 · 15/10/2020 19:56

@rallytog1 sorry I don't mean to be rude, but what has that got to do with OPs question? I'm sorry that you're unable to visit people, but please don't guilt trip people because they don't have the same problems as you do. OP was simply asking for advice.

Ginfordinner · 15/10/2020 20:05

I don't have fridge shelves

No shelves at all in your fridge? What happened to them? Did they break? How do you fit stuff in your frIdge?

and now I’m messy there’s more to life

It is possible to have a life and not be messy you know.

ilikemethewayiam · 15/10/2020 20:29

My friend of 20+ years was a lovely person but her house was disgusting! It was an absolute tip. It stank as soon as you walked in. Rotting food laid on the kitchen floor for days, getting kicked around under cupboards, similarly dirty dishes sat in festering cold dishwater for days on end. Used plates and cups lay around growing fur. The toilets were filthy and her used sanitary towels were in the bathroom waste bin, face up without a lid on! The first time she offered me a cup of tea. She took the cup out of the sink full of scum and ran it under the cold tap before putting a tea bag in it. It made me heave. I just left it on the side and didn’t drink it. That’s just a few examples! It’s ok to be messy some of the time when you are busy and not on top of things but I don’t know how people can live in filth. She didn’t seem to notice. I had to make so many excuses not to go to her house over the years. The sad thing was that her little boy and mine were besties and she kept inviting my DS round to play. She lived in a flat so I used the excuse that it would be better for her DS to come to ours instead as we had a playroom and a reasonably big garden. It meant they could go off and play while we sat and chatted. She was happy with that. She did have MH issues so I never felt it was appropriate to discuss her house, nor really was it my business. She did sometimes mention that she wasn’t the tidiest of people so had some awareness but didn’t fully get that that wasn’t the issue.

CambsAlways · 15/10/2020 20:32

I go to see friends not their houses, how they live is their business but must admit wouldn’t feel happy in a smelly home