To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

[northernstar0412]

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

I don't cope well with mess either, it's psychological but I still visit, I'm going for the person not the house.

In saying that, there's a difference between cluttered and dirty.

I don't mind clutter but dirt is another matter. I try to keep the things tidy but comfortably so. I know of one house where visitors are reluctant to visit the toilet except in ectremis.

There's mess and clutter, then there's grime and filth. I am messy by nature but try to contain it for the sake of my family - the living rooms, kitchen and bathroom are nothing to shame anyone and I wouldn't have to do much to happily receive visitors. I do feel uncomfortable visiting homes where it smells (that greasy smell of grime), where there are items that have clearly been piled up and ignored for months and months and become part of the furniture, where the carpets haven't been hoovered for weeks or there is visible human dirt in the bathrooms. I don't understand how people end up living like that, but I've seen it a fair few times.
But piles of books, laundry in the middle of being sorted or whatever, day to day life stuff that is in use - not a problem. I'm not mad about the show home look, it's a bit sterile.

I meant in extremis.

My house is clean but I have a hoarder as a husband so I am constantly chucking out stuff .When I was working I would go into houses where there was young children spotless no toys in sight it concerned me a lot

You are judging your friend because of your past and it isn't fair.
If you are uncomfortable in a messy house, tell her that because of your past, clutter makes you anxious and can you please meet in a cafe so you can relax.
I have been on the other end of this, having a friend turn their nose up at my place because it wasn't up to their immaculate standards, and I am still angry about it to be honest. Being tidy isn't virtuous. Some people aren't wired that way and really struggle. Perhaps you could get stuck in and wash some dishes for her etc instead of just judging.

I have two teenagers who are not my birth children, and who have a cognitive impairment. Their bedrooms are the most incredibly chaotic messes I have ever seen.
I had an aha moment when I was doing some training about their particular disability. The trainer said 'The state of their rooms is an insight to how their brains function.'
Sometimes, untidyness is not a lifestyle choice.

The only time it’s ever bothered me was because my eyes and nose started streaming.

The house was totally coated with dog hair, like it hadn’t been vacuumed in weeks maybe even months. I am not exaggerating when I say every surface was covered in a cob-web of hair. And I sat there literally crying with snot running down my face and constantly sneezing, my skin was also itching.

I didn’t even know I was capable of an allergic reaction to dogs. I grew up with them but as messy as out home was we always vacuumed once a week so I’d never had a high enough dose to find out

Beyond that I don’t care, I do tidy for guests though

It's finding a happy medium. Went round to a new friend's house with a few others. It was immaculate and beautifully decorated. Coffee and biscuits were served. The coffee was in mugs but with a saucer underneath and placed on a coaster. Everyone had a biscuit but the hostess was visibly on edge about potential crumbs and so nobody accepted the offer of a second biscuit. You didn't want to lean back in the chairs in case you crumpled the cushions. It didn't make for a relaxing visit as you knew she'd be out with the antibac before you were at the end of the drive. We all met elsewhere after that.

Excessively clean or dirty homes are off-putting.

@GertieBassett
'There's no excuse for being dirty."
Maybe not in your universe.
In other universes, it's called depression, learning disability, cognitive impairment etc etc

My mum. I avoid her house if possible. I'm not a clean freak by any means. My MIL often jokes and says silly things like "curtains can get washed you know!" Ha! Like I'd ever take my curtains down. Crazy!

But seriously, when people are coming over I do clean up. Piles of papers get shoved in my bedroom, random crap gets stuffed into a random crap drawer, the floors get swept and mopped, I dust and polish and I clean the bathroom.

My mum however has a clean house the day she moves in. That's it. It doesn't get properly done again until she moves house. I avoid it if possible and visit for very short times. I say no thanks when she asks me to take my shoes off because quite frankly, you need to wipe your feet on the way out it's that mucky. Now if she hoovered up the bits of hay and the thick layer of dog hair I might consider it but until then, my shoes are cleaner than her floors.

I was to stay at hers for the eve of my wedding (no choice as I'd to give her family my house to stay in) so I said I'd need to clean a few areas of her house. She insisted she'd do it. So I spent the two days run up rushed off my arse doing everything (mum didn't get involved, no bridesmaids and no one to help) only to find everything was exactly as it usually is and the walls I needed wiped down were still full of mud. I went to clean them and mum got all huffy saying she'd done it and threw a tantrum. I explained I needed it clean so I wouldn't get a muddy gown going out the door. She got angry insisting she had done it. I took a baby wipe and gently ran it over leaving a shiny white clean smear. It hadn't been touched at all. I went to bed so late on my wedding eve just cleaning it enough to make sure my ivory gown was at least hay, dog hair and mud free.
So yeah. I avoid houses that are really gross. A kitchen with zero visibility due to a cloud of cigarette smoke and a window that's never open is seriously unpleasant.

I went to stay with my dad a while back who was bedbound downstairs after an accident. His wife had a dog who STUNK (stank??). I mean, it stunk out the whole place despite it being a rather neat and orderly house.

I got up one day and the smell made my eyes water. SM was away at work and upon noticing the living room carpet was full of dog hairs I grabbed the hoover and ran it over the living room. It took all of two minutes. And the smell? Gone. Just like that. Fresh and clean. I didn't think it would be an issue. Dad was grateful but SM was raging I had hoovered. Apparently she did it on X day. So instead of running a vac round for a couple of minutes on one obstacle free floor, she'd have a stinking house 6 days out of 7? Out of habit?
No wonder my dad hated that dog. So it was a nice house to visit one day a week. The rest of the time you're choking of the most foul smelling dog stench I've every experienced.
The kicker is, she would complain about her stinking old dog too! All the time. Weird.

Sorry YABU. I'm damned if I'd 'scrub and tidy for hours' if someone was coming to my house, though I'd usually vacuum through and try not to have laundry hanging around the living areas. It must be utterly exhausting to feel everything has to be immaculate.

I try to make sure the house is always tidy and hygienic. I love when people come over because it gives me a push to clean more. There's always toys about and washing up in the sink though. But it never smells of our dog or cats and there's never hair all over the place. I think of it were someone's home whom I could not help tidy, I would avoid it. If it's a close friend or family member I would help to clean it. My family are quite maternal and a visit from someone almost always involves help with housework or cooking in some way x

I actually have OCD in terms of order. Everything in my home has an exact place. I get up at 6 every morning and tidy the whole house in a specific order and if anything breaks that routine it really affects me.
One of my oldest best friends house is extremely messy, dirty pots on the side, washing everywhere, workshops full of nik naks, jewellery, ashtrays, lighters etc.
I'm so used to it now that it generally doesnt bother me, in fact its quite nice to be in amongst it sometimes as in my house I'm always aware of making a mess which is restrictive, tiring and annoying. When I'm at her house Im generally quite relaxed knowing that i can put a coffee cup down anywhere and it wouldn't phase her. At my house, it would be swiped and loaded into the dishwasher the very moment a visitor left 😂

I love the excuses for people having cluttered and dirty homes. I bet the majority have cleaners too 🤣

@ilikemethewayiam

My friend of 20+ years was a lovely person but her house was disgusting! It was an absolute tip. It stank as soon as you walked in. Rotting food laid on the kitchen floor for days, getting kicked around under cupboards, similarly dirty dishes sat in festering cold dishwater for days on end. Used plates and cups lay around growing fur. The toilets were filthy and her used sanitary towels were in the bathroom waste bin, face up without a lid on! The first time she offered me a cup of tea. She took the cup out of the sink full of scum and ran it under the cold tap before putting a tea bag in it. It made me heave. I just left it on the side and didn’t drink it. That’s just a few examples! It’s ok to be messy some of the time when you are busy and not on top of things but I don’t know how people can live in filth. She didn’t seem to notice. I had to make so many excuses not to go to her house over the years. The sad thing was that her little boy and mine were besties and she kept inviting my DS round to play. She lived in a flat so I used the excuse that it would be better for her DS to come to ours instead as we had a playroom and a reasonably big garden. It meant they could go off and play while we sat and chatted. She was happy with that. She did have MH issues so I never felt it was appropriate to discuss her house, nor really was it my business. She did sometimes mention that she wasn’t the tidiest of people so had some awareness but didn’t fully get that that wasn’t the issue.

I'm sorry to hear this. My grandma was just the same as your friend, and people were very unkind to her without really understand she had a mental illness.

I know this is horrible but I probably wouldn't be friends with someone so filthy.

Messy places and houses make me depressed so for my own sanity I'd have to avoid going anywhere near their house.

The most uncomfortable I've EVER been is in the house of a complete clean-freak. It was summer and I was wearing flip flops. She wanted me to take them off then asked me to wash my feet too. It was so horribly sterile and unhomely. And no, my feet weren't rancid!

I'm there to see friends, not their house I'm not a prospective buyer.

@D4rwin

I'm there to see friends, not their house I'm not a prospective buyer.

I agree, but there are limits. Fortunately I don't know anyone who lives in a house that is extremely filthy.

I recall about 11 years ago I had a visit from Social Services, I was working 25 hours a week with 4 kids under 6, a partner (now ex) who had been reported for abusing the kids and was no help around the house. The lady turned up, looked around my house cluttered with kids toys, and said well I'm surprised it's all so clean given how much of it there is I was gobsmacked! It was all used regularly, no time to gather dust but also no time to tidy up (and no point as it would all be out again next day). She also looked in my fridge and said there weren't enough fresh vegetables and fruit in there so I had to show her all the frozen ones in the freezer and tell her they were probably fresher than 5 day old veggies from the fridge...

I think theres a big difference between messy and dirty. Dirty to the point of being unhygienic would put me off but I'm a bit of a clean freak and I envy people who aren't especially house proud, I bet it's liberating! I just can't do it

If there is clutter everywhere the house can't be clean. Who is going to move the clutter to clean just to put the clutter back. Everyone is different but I'm with you, I can't stand clutter. Why don't you arrange to go on a walk or meet somewhere rather than a house visit especially with Covid.

I genuinely try to keep on top of my house, but having a disability, and living in a council flat with little storage, means things aren’t always as neat as I’d like. Dishes are done daily, but you might find a pile in the sink if you pop in before I’ve washed them (my lovely friend has been known to wash up while we chat). And there’s usually clean laundry hanging by the radiator in the front room, although I’ll hide it in a bedroom if I know someone’s coming. I do find though that too much clutter makes me anxious (which is then a vicious cycle if you’re too anxious to know where to start and it all piles up..) I hope my friends are coming to see me and not to judge the state of my carpets!