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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

281 replies

northernstar0412 · 14/10/2020 02:45

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

OP posts:
slipperyeel · 14/10/2020 12:25

I have a friend like this but I find visiting her oddly compelling. Last time I went I had to move dirty washing off the sofa before I could sit down. She has tried to get a cleaner but they have all refused after seeing the house.

BigChocFrenzy · 14/10/2020 12:31

I would avoid visiting anywhere dirty, smelly, anywhere that might spoil my clothes or with extreme hoarding

Avoid anywhere I'd refuse to eat or drink because of lack of hygiene (and I'm particular there)
or with an unclean loo

My own home is always reasonably clean and tidy - cleaning person twice weekly.
Before having a visitor I would tidy away any clutter, give the sinks and loo a quick scrub, open the windows to air
Takes about 10 minutes, as it's a small flat

Ginfordinner · 14/10/2020 12:32

I don't know anyone who keeps a messy house. My friends and I have older children who are either older teenagers, at university or are adults and have left home, so keeping a house clean and tidy is less onerous and time consuming.

Our house is a lot tidier when DD is away Grin

Redcups64 · 14/10/2020 12:38

I know how you feel, I have a spotless home but never judge another persons house, I actually like how everyone’s home is different. However one friend I used to know lived in filth, not clutter and mess but also actual dirt, it was horrible and I hated it when I had to stay. I only stayed twice then just avoided the situation by inviting her to mine and cancelling when she invited me to hers, messy is one thing, cereal bowls with food in from last week is quite another.

faithfulbird · 14/10/2020 12:40

I don't judge. You never know what a person is going through or what goes on in their lives. Some have it easy. Some have it hard. People have different priorities/illnesses. Maybe you could offer to help?

polexiaaphrodesia · 14/10/2020 12:47

I wouldn't ever spend hours scrubbing the house before someone came to visit but do try to keep things tidy and as clean as possible - there are always going to be a few pairs of shoes in the hall, book bags etc. I refuse to take the kids to visit SIL and BIL as their house is hoarder territory and absolutely filthy (think open packs of tablets on the floor etc), the last time I went you could smell the hand towel in the downstairs toilet when you walked in as it was so filthy and clearly hadn't been washed in a very long time.

polexiaaphrodesia · 14/10/2020 12:50

This is the same SIL who when pregnant deemed she couldn't possibly come to ours as we have a cat who was "germ ridden" leading to a huge rescheduling of Christmas plans to ensure she could attend Angry

BurtonHouse · 14/10/2020 12:54

I'm not usually judgemental about other people's homes: can't afford to be seeing the state of mine.
But I drew the line with a friend whose house had dog shit all round the sitting room walls and skirting. Her dog had died 9 months earlier. So when she invited me over for lunch I suggested the pub.

SnackBitch2020 · 14/10/2020 12:58

There's a big difference between untidy and unclean isn't there?
I would still visit someone's house unless it was VERY extreme.
My grandmother was an extreme hoarder, think Mr Trebus/life of grime. It was awful. The walls would drip in the winter and the flies would swarm in the kitchen in summer. I still visited her but rarely sat down as you couldn't be sure what you were sitting in (cat deposits...).
I think you need to relax a bit to be honest OP.

formerbabe · 14/10/2020 13:07

My house is clean and tidyish but it's lived in and I have two DC. My friends with DC usually comment that it's clean. I have one childfree friend who I don't want to come to my house because she's so judgemental. She lives in a showhome and has no idea about what it's like to live with children. If I kept my house to her standards I'd basically have to follow my children round the house cleaning as they go and making them put all their things out of sight. It would be hideous. I don't care that she lives in a spotless home but she cannot accept that others, especially those with DC, cannot do that, hence she'll think a toy on the floor or a kids hoody on the side of the sofa is absolute squalor.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 14/10/2020 13:12

This is why I rarely invite people into my house. I'm terrified of bein judged. I can't relax. Ill still half the night before visitors are due.

The only person I feel comfortable with 100% is my MIL. She has never judged. She can also tidy a room by looking at it. I don't have that same relaxed feel with any other friend or relative, even my own mother and best friend.

Feefifo9 · 14/10/2020 13:21

I like friends who don’t tidy up for me. I think it develops trust, intimacy and deeper more authentic friendship. My closest friends are people whose houses are a state! But it means I can trust them in my vulnerability too.

catnoir1 · 14/10/2020 13:33

Lived in but clean house here.

My friends house is a bomb site but it's her house, I just move her stuff over and sit down. I'm there to see her, not her house.

Mittens030869 · 14/10/2020 14:00

I don’t like excessively messy/dirty homes, but I wouldn’t not visit. My MIL is a hoarder and I do find it stressful when we visit her because it’s hard to move around her stuff sometimes. I find myself spending most of my time telling my DDs off when they knock something over or play with her special chair because there’s nothing else for them to do. (My MIL keeps her house clean, there’s just no space!)

As for our house, we always make sure the downstairs is perfectly presentable, as I would be embarrassed to have friends/family come to a messy house.

elkiedee · 14/10/2020 17:30

My house is a mess and I'm embarrassed for people to come round, but when I was younger I did spend a lot of time at friends whose flat was often a lot worse and people visited all the time. They were a couple with kids, her DD from a previous relationship and during the time I knew them together, two more DDs. The woman was a smoker and she and visitors who smoked would often use mugs and plates as ashtrays which I find really disgusting. One effect of the smoking ban in pubs etc is that I know a lot of smokers who don't smoke even inside their own home, and I often see neighbours in my area smoking outside their front door. I do wash up and scrub at mugs etc so someone can at least be offered a clean one. Towards the end of last year I started experimenting with vinegar and I've got nearly all of the visible limescale off the downstairs toilet with it, the upstairs is still horrible and I wish dp and the children (boys aged 13 and 11) would at least try and leave the bathrooms no worse than they find them.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/10/2020 18:12

I can’t relax in messy or cluttered houses so would avoid.

Mine is always tidy as, pre Covid, we often had visitors drop by or hosted the children’s friends.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 14/10/2020 18:30

The state of other peoples houses generally doesn’t bother me unless its un-hygienically dirty. I go to see my friends because I enjoy their company not to criticise their organisational skills. Different people have different priorities.

Pumpkinnose · 14/10/2020 19:00

I do wonder why people don’t see it as a priority and that there’s either mental health issues or they’re lazy. It’s my responsibility as a mum to keep the house clean and tidy for my kids.

AibuTellMe · 14/10/2020 20:42

I went to stay at my mates house around an hours train journey away about 2 years ago. I was shocked. She is married and has kids her house was disgusting. Utter tip. The bathroom was disgustingly dirty and the room I stayed in had no floor space as it was just covered in crap I had to hop from the door entrance onto the bed. I've never gone back.

QueenOllie · 15/10/2020 00:14

Mine is fairly tidy and fairly clean. I mean there might be a cobweb or a dusty skirting board but the surfaces, toilets, kitchen etc are clean
I figured it was ok when I offered the police a brew (long story) and she looked over my shoulder into the kitchen and said "yes please" Grin guessing they check first before they accept

roarfeckingroarr · 15/10/2020 00:52

I can't stand being in dirty homes. I have a good friend who I adore but I don't stay at hers anymore because it's just not clean. It's not being judgmental, it's not liking to feel dirty myself.

FredtheCatsMum · 15/10/2020 17:52

There's a cliche which someone else may have quoted.

If you've come to visit me, you're welcome anytime. If you've come to check out my house, give me a week's notice so I can clean.

Honestly, if you're not comfortable, best not to visit. Just invite her to a cafe, and say you're in town for some other reason.

Bib1234 · 15/10/2020 17:58

You come across as a bit of a snob OP

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/10/2020 17:59

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless.

How sad!

gentilleprof · 15/10/2020 18:01

I am quite tidy (but not pristine) and don't like things out of place. I agree it must be liberating to be messy. I hate visiting dirty homes as well as messy ones.