To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

[northernstar0412]

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

It’s hard to relax in an untidy room.

I’m the same, I wish I wasn’t but I can’t help it! My mum was always cleaning and she avoided messy houses at all costs!

If it’s a little messy then it’s okay, but outright dirty, I just can’t cope!

I have a friend who literally has stuff everywhere and you cannot sit down... I’ve even seen things growing in her mugs! She’s a fantastic friend, but we just don’t share the same cleaning standards! I’m very much like you, scrubbing before people come over as it would be my worst nightmare for somebody to think I have a dirty house!

I usually invite to mine, or if I do go to hers ask to sit in the garden to get some fresh air as I sit at home working all day! Suggest going for coffee (or a cocktail) out, go for walks etc! Xx

@northernstar0412

'Our lovely mum had severe mental health issues and it wasn't her fault. Dad wouldn't help around the house.'

Either one (or both) of those could be the reasons why your friend's house is like it is.

I dont mind clutter but i object to dirt. My sister in law has one of the dirtiest houses i've seen. I hated my baby being there, and when we visit we now stay the bare minimum, but her mum told her off and she does make more of an effort.

YANBU- My mothers house is disgusting. She has a set day a week where she washes the plates (says that’s what works for her) so there’s always plates piled everywhere, she has untrained animals so there’s always accidents everywhere, clothes everywhere and she always forgets to put the bin out so the bin is always over flowing. Every time I’ve tried to help she’s refused as she thinks it isn’t that bad but it’s truly awful- I never had friends over growing up and now I’m older I avoid at all costs.

I don't know anyone with a messy home. Mess is okay as long as the home is clean.

I'm not usually too judgmental about mess and clutter, not many people I know have perfect, spotless homes! There's only one house I've refused to step back inside because of how disgusting it was. When I was a teenager I went to a birthday party of a family friend of my best friend, they lived about an hours drive away and there was going to be drinking so we were to be staying the night. The family lived on a farm, the inside of the house was covered in faeces from dogs/cats/chickens and the carpet was jumping with fleas, all of the members of the family had ringworm. There were piles of filthy clothes everywhere, piles of filthy washing up all over the kitchen, rubbish all over the floor - making it harder to see some of the piles of excrement.

Thankfully the party itself was outside in a field so I didn't have to spend much time in the house, I slept in my car!

It's a balance though, isn't it?

No I wouldn't feel comfortable in a house like a pigsty.

On the other I would feel equally uncomfortable in a sanitised, bleached, chemically-sprayed box.

Unless the place is crawling with fleas or filthy dirty, then no. I can cope with untidiness, and I don't expect it to sparkle, nor would I spend "hours" cleaning before a visit (I'd tidy up and give it a quick dust or hoover, for sure).

I'm not bothered by other people's homes unless there is a strong smell, there isn't anywhere to sit or stuff makes mobility awkward. If I have to clear stuff to sit down or I end up really struggling on stairs because there is stuff on it, it's going to be offputting to do so again.

The vast majority of people and normal mess is fine for me. There is only one person I know where the animal smell and mess is just too horrible to suffer through and another where it's just a large family in a smallish house so I was fine if it was just me, but I had to make clear when visits between ours families included me to prevent awkwardness as my disabilities can become 'if I can't sit, I'm going to fall' with little notice.

In my own home, as a parent, I have to battle regularly with moments of feeling 'I'd never make/leave a mess like that' with my kids (and a few times, other adults in my house) as that was just not acceptable - I grew up in emotionally very chaotic, but physically very neat homes and most of my kin's homes were similarly very neat at least in most visited places (random backrooms of stuff not included). Those environments can have such different impacts.

I think if you ha e to scrub the house for hours before anyone comes over then your house isn’t as clean as you think it is?

I have 7 kids and a business to run but our house is never so bad that I’d have to tidy up before someone came over, it’s always clean and tidy. The kids might have toys out and there might be washing waiting to be put away but I clean little and often so it’s never dirty, and the older kids and DH also pull their weight.

I was brought up in a very untidy and cluttered home, that doesn't bother me so much.
Dirty I will avoid. So, piles of unwashed plates in a sink waiting to be cleaned is fine, piles of unwashed plates gathering mould and attracting flies is not!

I think it's a bit mean if you're avoiding someone's house because it's messy. It's not up to you to tell them how to run their home, or to judge them. You don't know what they're going through in their life, and it could take every ounce of energy they have just to get through the day, without adding tidying up on top of that.

However, I do think it's fair enough if it's unclean - to the extent that you don't want to drink from their mugs. My uncle used to be like that and I helped him with his shopping and other bits and pieces (but not cleaning, he insisted he was okay with that .. clearly not though haha) and whenever I dropped it off I stayed for a chat and he'd always offer me a brew .. but I never once accepted because his kitchen was disgusting. He was never ill though! I guess his immune system was strong after years of living like that after his mum died (he never moved out of the family home).

So.

To not go because it's messy, when it doesn't really affect you, is unfair.

To not go because it's awkward to refuse brews from a dirty kitchen is a different matter .. but lots of houses are untidy but absolutely not unclean!

I think these discussions are interesting because people mostly discuss the two extremes where I'd wager most people fall somewhere in the middle. I would say our house does and the same for probably 90 per cent of other houses I've visited. I can only think of 2 places I've been that I felt genuinely uncomfortable because it was that dirty, one was a friend's girlfriend's room in student halls years ago which I had already agreed to stay the night at after a gig miles away from home so that was horrible tbh, I couldn't even sleep properly because I felt so uncomfortable bleurgh. The other is my MIL's house, she is a hoarder with severe mental health problems. Otherwise I don't really notice other people's houses as they're usually just in a normal range of being clean and tidy "enough" I suppose.

To not go because it's messy, when it doesn't really affect you, is unfair.

No it's not. If someone doesn't want to go and sit amongst someone else clutter is fine. They don't have to. Rather than the person with the messy house thinking it's unfair, they can clean up their house if they want people who don't like mess to visit them. Or leave it as it is. And don't have visitors.

Each to their own. Might leave mine messier actually then I'll know who's a real friend and who's a judgy "£$$

To not go because it's messy, when it doesn't really affect you, is unfair

I agree and the thing is everyone has different standards.

I have a childfree friend who has the most immaculate home you could ever imagine. We both visited a mutual friend who had a toddler. Friend with toddler has a beautiful, immaculate home too despite having a child. Anyway we were standing in her living room. Room is spotless and beautifully decorated. Her toddler has one single, tasteful basket of toys on the floor that she's playing with. Childfree friend gestures to the toys and asks us how on earth do you cope with this mess?! Same friend also visited my house once and asked how I coped with having plastic breakers in my glass cupboard in the kitchen.

Typing as an armchair psychologist I do believe those at the extreme ends of a cleaning spectrum super clean vs super filthy do often have some MH problems depression or anxiety.

I think a lot of it is down to how you grow up. I grew up in a spotless house and any family members were the same. I was a very messy teenager but when I got on my feet and had my own house and kids, I made sure it was clean. I want my kids and their friends to have a comfortable environment to play in/ eat in/ sleep in. I don’t mind them pulling toys out because the house can be cleaned again when they are gone to bed. I now have in laws who don’t keep their house up to a good cleaning standard and I honestly don’t like going there. I actually think it effects my mental health when I’m there and I don’t mean untidy, I mean genuinely dirty, that hasn’t been clean properly since it was bought so many years ago. I can’t even go to the toilet in their house. I have tried to help them clean and got the kitchen to a good standard but it just goes back the same way. Their priorities are not the same as mine and they wouldn’t think twice about inviting people over without cleaning. It’s mind boggling and if we ever inherit their house, it will take a very long time to get it into a liveable condition. Even the thought of it fells me with dread!

The only house I avoid is a friend’s who has been renovating for years and lives in an absolute death trap. It’s a really tall, narrow house with random building materials at every turn of the stairs. Every time my kids go there they hurt themselves on loose nails, random boards and planks of wood falling over. People have told her they won’t visit because of the hazards and she thinks they’re being precious but why would I take my kids somewhere where they are going to endure a bothersome, avoidable injury!?
Otherwise I prefer mess to immaculate homes where I worry about making a mess.

I am not trying to appear superior,

If you're not, then you're failing spectacularly!

My asthma, it's always my excuse to not go to my dads.
If I do go there, I've got to the point where I say, you know what I'm like, let's not open up that can of worms when he offers me a drink. He chalks it up to me being particular, not that his mugs are unclean and so is his home

YABU. Messy but clean is fine. Of course I am biased as I am messy (but clean).

I do avoid messy and dirty.

This is so subjective...my DM has this friend who always apologises like mad when anyone comes over and goes on about how 'messy' her house is but to me it looks spotless. So people must have very different standards.