To wonder why there are so many posts about how shit being a mum is?

[changednamealways]

I get there will always be people struggling, and things like PND play a big part. But everything is so doom and gloom and everyone on here seems to despise being a mum. Am I the only one who thinks it's not that bad, more the best thing I've ever done? Why do people find this so boring and I find it amazing? And that is with having PND for 3 months after ds was born

The thing is alexa the things you mention above are not actually a problem with motherhood. Being a parent makes it harder of course, I accept that.

But it you are working in a difficult job with an unsupportive partner in sub standard housing then that’s never going to be fun. And despite what people think, all your problems won’t be solved by LTB - you’d still have the shit job and might not be able to afford any housing.

Genuine posters would be more likely to start a general thread rather than one specifically slating being a parent.

@rainyoutside

If you actually read any of those threads there will almost always be reasons why the person isn't happy. Quite often there are MH health problems (possibly undiagnosed) and an unspportive partner but sometimes someone might just be really unhappy as a mother for reasons you or I can't understand. Why on earh shouldn't that person seek support from other people feel the same way?

What gets me is why so many people have more than one kid despite not enjoying being a parent. There needs to be less stigma about having one child. Life would be so much easier for so many people.

I do absolutely agree with you that there should be less stigma around having one child, but I don’t find people having more than one child difficult to understand at all. People’s circumstances change all the time, so do their feelings. It’s not as simple as having a baby and going ‘shit I hate parenting and will always hate parenting’.

For example, if a partner leaves that will probably change your experience of parenting. Or you might love being a parent of one but find you really struggle being a parent of two. Or you might love the stage from (say) 1-2 years old, and decide to have another baby, and then find you hate the terrible twos. Or a child might be diagnosed with an illness or disorder that makes your life more stressful. Or you might run into financial difficulties.

It’s just not so binary - it’s nearly always circumstantial.

I think there is quite a simple remedy to this OP - if you (or others) find those 'parenting is shit' threads disrespectful or hard to read... then don't open the thread and read it. Simple really.

However, just bear in mind that some people are going through hell and this forum might be their only outlet to put down what they are actually feeling. Those people should be able to do that safely. Ultimately, that's the purpose of these kind of websites and for some this will be an absolute lifeline.

I absolutely love my DC, and I'm pregnant with another now. I HATE pregnancy. HATE IT. My body hates it. I'm miserable and it's still very early days. I also had PND with #1 and for a while I'd be lying if I said I didn't truly hate being a parent. #1 was a much wanted baby and I would die for him - but being a parent for the first time was the loneliest time of my life. I can't look back on those baby days and pick out many memories that are filled with joy and that's incredibly sad.
However, now that DC is older I get joy out of parenting most days - just this morning we were practising phonics and I was overcome with proudness for this amazing little person I've nutured. What I mean is, we all go through phases of finding things tough... but by mindful that "tough" for one person might be totally different to another. We can never truly know how someone feels or what they are going through, so just be kind and try and be supportive. I'm 100% sure those parents who have admitted to hating parenting or (currently) finding no joy from parenting have found it extremely hard to actually write that down, but its important for them to own their feelings and get them out there as its only after doing this that they can work through those feelings and begin to find a way out of the gloom.

People start threads saying 'parenting is awful' probably because they've been bombarded with the opposite message 'parenting is wonderful'. For lots of us it is but for some it isn't. Even without any specific issues not everyone loves being a parent. For some people it makes their life worse unfortunately. They absolutely have the right to talk about that.

[quote changednamealways]@DDIJ I only ask this because I am genuinely interested and I do have the deepest of sympathy for you. But do you really mean that? You hated every second? Never looked at your child and just felt so much love that all your problems went away? I am genuinely interested in others experiences of hating all aspects of parenthood [/quote]
I had one of those moments this morning. Daughter number two (20 months) was on my lap giving me the most glorious baby cuddle. She was all warm and smelled so delicious I got all giddy with love for her. Then she grabbed my hair with one hand, a nipple with the other and used them as support to be able to give me a hard kick in the vagina. As I stood up to get away from the attack I tripped on some crappy toy (hard to say which one as there were so many strewn over the floor after she’d upended the toy basket). I got another high seeing my six year old looking so fabulously smart in her school uniform. I nearly burst with pride but within five minutes I wondered how to go about having her adopted because she’d just ruined yet another pair of socks because she can’t just pull them on, she has to pull and pull and pull until the heel cup is halfway up the back of her legs and there are holes in the toes of yet another brand new, never worn pair. That’s parenthood. It’s amazing and awful in different measures. At those moments when it’s hard to see the rainbows through the gloom people vent on Mumsnet because they can - and having done so they probably feel better.

I remember writing similarly about how motherhood just wasn’t for me at one point when daughter number one was so difficult, life in general was so difficult and I couldn’t see any way to make anything any better. Literally every moment was a struggle.

The thing is that some months after that the situation changed and I began to enjoy motherhood again. My posts then would have been very different except I didn’t write any because I didn’t need the support then.

Right now I’m struggling. I never seem to stop and relax and yet my to do list never gets any shorter. I am always running late, always looking a mess, feel like no-one has enough time and attention because I’m always too busy, the house is a mess etc. I don’t know how to get it all done and I am struggling. I could easily have a rant about how awful it all is.

If you really do enjoy every moment of your life/motherhood, that’s great. You’re very lucky and I really admire you but please accept that it’s not that simple for others and being fed up with the daily grind of motherhood doesn’t mean we love our children any less.

Oh I hate pregnancy but it’s a means to an end isn’t it? Bit different to hating parenthood.

How long have you been here backbeat?

In the years I’ve been here I’ve barely seen any ‘parenting is wonderful threads. I sometimes think this forum should be used as a natural form of contraception and I’m only half joking.

@rainyoutside

I wasn't talking about threads on MN but life in general. People post gushy stuff on social media about parenting all the time. Basically it's ok to be tired, frustrated etc but deep down parenting is the best thing that ever happened to you. That's fine for people like me for whom parenting is actually full of joy. If you don't feel that way though there isn't really an outlet for you to express those feelings. Naturally you're more likely to post about it on an anonymous forum.

I’d rather people posted gushy stuff than how much they disliked their children. Children grow up. I fully accept parenting is not for everyone but it is horrid for the children concerned to see how much resentment and anger they caused by being born.

@rainyoutside

Again you're bringing it all back to you. Not every post will resonate with you personally. No one is forcing you to read those posts or engage with them in any way. Yes it might make you feel uncomfortable to acknowledge that people are suffering but it would be very selfish to prefer that people don't seek support when they're suffering because of that.

Having an outlet for unhappiness on an anonymous forum is not the same as these people acting in a resentful way towards their children. Never being able to discuss their feelings is not going to stop those feelings existing - quite the opposite.

I find people in real life talk trash about their kids/parenthood.

I’m not even remotely bringing it back to me. People can post about whatever they want to. I just don’t think they are genuine. Being generous, they might be a bad day but more likely it’s people desperate for attention.

Because it is, compared to being a dad. They can still go for a run, for starters.

I think it's fine for people to have a rant or vent. It is hard.

I didn't think I could have children for a long time, so I was one of those people you thought threads like this were insensitive too. Actually it helped. It helped me see that it wasn't all sunshine and roses and it wasn't the epitome of a 'good life' like it's portrayed to be. It helped me to see that I could find things in a childfree life that were worth living for.

It didn't turn out that way for me and I am grateful but yeah... I remember thinking and praying, saying I'll never ever take it for granted... But it is fucking hard. Nothing wrong with being honest about it.

One thing that does annoy me on here though is that posters have endless support for someone struggling with their own children but you're the devil incarnate if you say anything other than everything is PERFECT about step children.

There's a big difference between actually being horrible to a child and just struggling in a blended family the same way parents struggle with their own kids from time to time. But you aren't allowed to say that.

I love being a parent. I look at my child everyday and say how lucky i am to have him. It can be hard with working full time with a 2 year old but being a parent is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I also have a wonderful partner so maybe thats why I don't find parenting so difficult.

I'm also always suprised when i read posts on here of women hating being a parent yet have more than 1 child. However, i get that circumstances change and that can impact how people feel. It's just really sad.

Being generous, they might be a bad day but more likely it’s people desperate for attention.

What a wierd assumption. You think there is no one who genuinely doesn't like parenting? That's probably just your lack of empathy then. You struggle to understand people who feel differently to you. I'm not doubting that some posts of all kinds are fakes but it's srange that you don't believe some parents can regret having kids.

In my case it’s because my GP is a man who is very passive about PND.

Over the last 7 years his advice to me was 1) to get a job 2) put DC in nursery 3) stick to a routine 4) just wait.

7 years later I am still struggling to get MH help for anxiety and depression. I’ve requested a new GP and it was “refused” by the practise. He literally stands in the way / blocks all my cries for help.

Today I tried again and requested a female doctor to bypass him - he just text me (from an NHS number obviously) saying he doesn’t understand why I need a female doctor to discuss my anxiety “problems” but he’ll book an appointment with one regardless.

Being a mum is shit sometimes because some GP’s like mine don’t give a toss about female mental health.

Ha, @CrankyFrankyHoot, I was thinking about that when a previous poster said you wouldn’t go onto the SN boards and have a go at posters looking for support there. Yet non-step-parents go into the step parenting board all the time to have a (mostly ill informed) pop at posters looking for support there. Having done both, being a SM is many multiples more difficult than being a mum, with very limited social support. But if you started a thread talking about your stepchildren the way some talk about their children...let’s just the empathy and support would be rather limited 😂

@Bedroomdilemma funny isn't it.

You usually get the typical 'why date a man with kids then?' as if you should have known exactly what it would be like before dating him. Funnily though no one ever seems to say 'why did you become a mum then?' Because it's accepted that you don't really know how you'll cope until you experience it.

There is a big difference obviously in that step parents can walk away and parents can't (or not as easily anyway!). However, I don't think that's always necessary. Sometimes my step children do my fucking head in. Same as my own. Sometimes I just want to bloody rant about it and then get on my way. I don't want to leave, I'm not horrible, I'm not a bad person. Children are just difficult and annoying and hard work sometimes, whether they came from your vagina or not.

Being generous, they might be a bad day but more likely it’s people desperate for attention

Have you thought about why people are "seeking attention" anyway? What are the reasons behind it? Some people with little family support may be feeling lonely or depressed. Some people may have been parented badly themselves so no one modelled how to work or navigate through hard times.
I think labelling people as "attention-seekers" is a bit too smug and easy.

Going into parenting is like Russian Roulette.

You don't know if you'll have a child with SNs. They may take years to emerge and siblings may have already occured by then (as happened with us, fortunately the needs are relatively mild, but it is still an extra layer of tiring, pressure and complexity)
Partners may not live up to all their promises.
Plans may not unfold according to plan. A recent thread involved an aggravating overcrowding situation because plans to move from a small flat to a more appropriate house had stalled. Work commitments change.
Maternal physical and mental health is often compromised. Many women commence motherhood with physically and mentally traumatic births. There isn't the time and headspace to really deal with that as you get to grips with keeping an utterly dependent baby alive and well, and those maternal problems can rumble on unmanaged just below the surface for years until a crisis point.

This year in particular, no one could ever have gone in to parenting expecting relentless months of no escape from the home, no support, home schooling and working from home. When someone has been acutely stressed for a prolonged, indefinite period, they don't just snap out of it. We're not out of it and the uncertainty and reduced support continues. My heart pounds every time a local phone number comes up on my phone in case it's the school and an imminent 2-3 weeks of isolation ensue, something that fills me with dread with my energetic, craft loathing children.

Some posts are sad some struck me tbh.
I purposely said to my DC today "Do you know what I love? I love being your Mam"
The smile from both was ace.
It is okay to grumble and show stress DC need to see life is real.
If you truly have no love for them I don't know what the answer is. Fake it?

Because you get ripped apart for saying anything is remotely good in your life.

😂

Agree.

It is okay to grumble and show stress DC need to see life is real.
If you truly have no love for them I don't know what the answer is. Fake it?

If people feel trapped, depressed and flat or whatever it's usually because they DO love their DC so much. If they didn't love them, it would be easy to walk away. What is love after all? It's sometimes about overwhelming maternal pride and smiles and enjoyment but mostly its about being there through thick and thin. As pp said, people are confusing the tedium of parenting with actual love of their DC. It's possible to adore your DC while finding the process of parenting hard.

@Artforartssake not necessarily. One poster feels nothing for her DC I think lots of women stay unhappy.
I have never felt love for them. I feel nothing at all