To wonder why there are so many posts about how shit being a mum is?

[changednamealways]

I get there will always be people struggling, and things like PND play a big part. But everything is so doom and gloom and everyone on here seems to despise being a mum. Am I the only one who thinks it's not that bad, more the best thing I've ever done? Why do people find this so boring and I find it amazing? And that is with having PND for 3 months after ds was born

@rainyoutside

You're coming across like you really lack the ability to see something from other people's point of view.

If someone is parenting their child, but struggling to bond or has bonded but is not enjoying parenthood they should be able to have a forum to discuss those feelings. If you feel like reading about those people's feelings is going to suddenly erode your own feelings for your child then of course you should avoid reading them but this would be a very unusual reaction. What is clearly illogical is you saying that those people shouldn't have a place to express their feelings. There is no question about that. You probably aren't the best person to offer support to such a person so you should definitely not go to those threads. That doesn't mean they shouldn't exist.

It actually can be quite helpful to discover it’s not hell for everybody. Although of course it depends largely on context

Is it really?

So someone posts that they are hating being a mum etc etc etc... How is it helpful to them to know not everyone thinks it's hell?

It's far more helpful to know that either you aren't alone in feeling that way or that other people have felt that way but don't anymore. I don't really see the use of hearing from people that don't and have never felt that way.

What I think you mean is helpful to outsiders who may be 'put off' by reading these posts? But again, you're welcome to start another thread asking people what they love about motherhood.

I don't quite get all the replies of "wow this is the first time someone is telling the truth". Is this that posters first day on mumsnet? First day on the internet in general? If anything it is one of the top 5 topics discussed on here.

And equally you get posts titled "I'm so happy for my son" or along the lines of "celebrate this success or milestone with me" or "my DD made me proud today". Obviously not so many of those because people don't post so frequently in those circumstances as they don't tend to seek outside support when they're happy.

I have to agree op I’ve read a few threads people saying they hate been a mum, wish they had never had them, they have taken there life away from them and just think wow that is very harsh. They must look at there children’s faces and feel so guilty for feeling that way.

@rainyoutside

You sound very defensive indeed. I very much doubt you're posting on those threads saying how wonderful life is in order to be helpful. You know it isn't. You're just insecure. You feel by not enjoying parenthood and missing things you don't miss that somehow reflects upon your life. If you're genuinely happy with your life why do you need to judge other people so much. Why not just be happy with your decisions and accept not everyone would be happy or want to make the same decisions as you?

I think there is also a lot of snobbery associated with many of the ‘i hate being a mum’ posts. A lot of it is to try to stress how cultured the OP is and doesn’t enjoy legoland or postman pat but art galleries and museums. Which is fine but parenthood isn’t never ending woe.

Oh so it's a class issue now? Deliberately goady or what?

For example, I start a thread about struggling with the prospect of never having children due to my fertility struggles (a situation I was in).

Is it helpful to me to hear from posters who never wanted children and therefore don't think it's a problem, never been bothered by it, very happy with their choice not to have them and living childfree?

Or is it going to be more helpful to hear from others who actually know what I'm feeling and talking about? Even if it's just to share that they too feel the same so I'm not alone.

The first are allowed to post obviously because it's a public forum. But would you not come away thinking 'and? What has that got to do with my situation?'

@CrankyFrankyHoot

Exactly. If you are struggling with infertility it isn't helpful to hear from people who never wanted children or from people who became pregnant very easily. Yes we all know some people do get pregnant easily but those people don't need to have 'a voice' in that particular context.

Because many many women regret having children and find it hard work, boring etc. Also having children often destroys marriages/ relationships.

If you are happy with your children then be grateful.

I'll never forget someone in rl telling me I should be working, rather than being with my dd, a toddler at the time.
I said well this is my work for now, she said Well, some of us have moved on from potato prints, and doing something useful with their time.

I found this the saddest thing I ever heard. Didn't know the woman she just launched herself at me, must have had a bad day in the office.
I find it sad that people don't enjoy time with their children and find parenting useless.

No art, I don’t mean to be rude, but are you struggling with basic comprehension here?

Some people do feel caring for small children is in some way demeaning.

It's one thing to post looking for support, and for people to say they also felt that way, or parenting young kids was never something that was their strength, or the teen years nearly did them in, or whatever.

I don't really see where it's helpful to hear "yeah, kids really ruin your life" or "I never had kids because I knew they would ruin my life. For one thing that's totally hope killing. But in most cases it's also immature - "ruined it" compared to what? The life you imagined? None of us get that, most people have to make do with the life we are given and sometimes it seems a bad fit.

I also don't think it's unreasonable for people to share how they cope with the things people struggle with, like boredom. It's not just down to personality, we have some power to change our own thinking and it can be a powerful way of adapting to things we find difficult. That's totally aside from practical advice. Sometimes I think people responding to posts like that would rather see the OP remain unhappy so as to prove the point that parenting is shitty.

They do, definitely. I see it all the time especially on here. it seems the way of the world now.
For many, kids are an inconvenience.
Mybe, because more dual income families, parents aren't used to parenting the long haul as they have so much of it outsourced.

I agree OP there are so many posts about how kids are boring and they wish they never had them.
Poor kids.

@changednamealways
People basically judge each other because of insecurity. That woman judged you for being at stay at home mum because of her own insecurities. Likewise people feel the need to judge those who don't enjoy parenthood because of their own defiiciencies. If you enjoy parenting, find it easy or just find the highs make up for the lows then that's great (I feel that way too). Your joy should be in no way diminished by knowing that other people don't feel the same way. In the same way that if someone uses a nursery to care for a toddler and feels their fulfilling career adds value to the life or the world they shouldn't feel diminshed in any way because you love being at home with your kids.

Only people with poor emotional intelligence or insecuriites feel the need to denigrate others for how they feel - even if it's different from how you feel.

@mydogisthebest

Because many many women regret having children and find it hard work, boring etc. Also having children often destroys marriages/ relationships.

If you are happy with your children then be grateful.

Imagine if you knew your mum regretted having you, you'd be heartbroken

@NotOfThisWorld my joy is not diminished by these posts, it's not that deep, it's mumsnet! I just find it hard to understand where people are coming from when they say they regret having their PFB or hate every second they spend with their dc

Imagine if you knew your mum regretted having you, you'd be heartbroken
I find that scenario to imagine so am not confident commenting one way or another but I feel quite confident I’d be heartbroken if I found out my mum didn’t love me and I didn’t bring her any joy.

Agreed there is no point saying how much you love parenting specifically on a post where the OP is struggling. Just as there is no point in someone childless explaining why they didn’t have kids, it’s completely irrelevant, but the childless comments don’t get ripped apart the same way the “happy parents” ones do.

There have been many posts recently though (for example one recently about whether having a child is “a huge risk”) which don’t involve an OP struggling with any specific problem or parenthood, they ask for a general discussion. To me they seem especially goady, and again any positive comments are usually disregarded or called out as smug.

I think it's the pressure of modern life, finances and social expectations, keeping up with peers and the perfect social media image.
RL is different, negotiating through all the carp is exhausting! Trying to get it right is exhausting. The mundane day to day is exhausting! Kids are exhausting...
So yes, sometimes being a parent is utter shit, not enjoyable or rewarding... So let people have a moan about it.

Rainyoutside I assumed you were being deliberately goady because you keep introducing new separate points while ignoring the bulk of quite detailed rep!ies.

This time your point is:
Some people do feel caring for small children is in some way demeaning.

Yep I get that and totally agree with it. The comment made to Devlesko was appalling and deliberately snide for example. Fwiw I think caring for small DC at home is massively undervalued. And that's connected to a mother's overall experience of parenting which is influenced by raising dc in a largely patriarchal and consumerist society. It's very difficult balancing a home and work life. If anything that should make you more understanding of why people struggle, not less?

Imagine if you knew your mum regretted having you, you'd be heartbroken

Of course you would be but how is that relevant. No one here is suggesting that people should tell their children they regret having them. No one is suggesting that people hating parenthood is a brilliant situation to be in. People are saying that there are people in that situation and an anonymous internet forum is a decent place for them to find the confidence to express those feelings, realise they're not alone and hopefully go on to seek further help. Or simply to find enough support to just keep trudging on.

If someone who doesn't yet have kids reads it and it makes them pause then that's a good thing. People should think carefully about whether to have kids and they should do so knowing it isn't always wonderful.

My mother never wanted children, i was a contraception failure.
She struggled with post natal depression, she wasn't the greatest mum but i always felt loved.
As an adult, we have a great relationship, we can do things together, have intellectual conversations etc. She adores her GD, i think a large part is due to her not having the 'responsibility' as you do with your own.

Does she regret having me? I've asked her, she says no. However she never had anymore children and when i fell pregnant and advised me to really think about such an immense responsibility.

I just find it hard to understand where people are coming from when they say they regret having their PFB or hate every second they spend with their dc

That's fine. Not everyone has the ability to see how other people, in different circumstances, with different personalities and different issues feels. Empathy is difficult for some people, especially with children when emotions run high. You're obviously not a good person to offer support to people who feel that way.

Surely though it's not hard to accept that some people do feel that way (even if you can't imagine having those feelings yourself) and want to seek support?

Or is it going to be more helpful to hear from others who actually know what I'm feeling and talking about? Even if it's just to share that they too feel the same so I'm not alone
Everyone experience once in their life feelings they wish they were not experiencing, feeling that are liny to be harmful to an extend to others. It's ok to talk about them to find out others feel the same. BUT it if it is to gain insight in how to change these feelings for the best, not if it is to seek reassurance that because many others feel the same, it therefore ok to just accept it and do nothing about it but moan about how terrible it is.

This is the worry about such threads, posters get a sense of acceptance and even gratification about how they feel through empathy which can have the effect of giving it a sense of normality when it really isn't right to feel so strongly about resenting your children and the time you spend with them.

I'd urge anyone that experience parenting as just a long standing chore to seek professional help but the kids WILL suffer from it however much you might it doesn't impact on them and they don't know how their mother feels about them.