To wonder why there are so many posts about how shit being a mum is?

[changednamealways]

I get there will always be people struggling, and things like PND play a big part. But everything is so doom and gloom and everyone on here seems to despise being a mum. Am I the only one who thinks it's not that bad, more the best thing I've ever done? Why do people find this so boring and I find it amazing? And that is with having PND for 3 months after ds was born

Because, actually, being a mum is bloody hard work and tough. Even worse in a year like this.
Just because some find it wonderful and lovely, doesn't mean everyone does. I thought MumsNet originally started because mums had such a difficult and lonely time, and needed others to talk to and ask for support.

YANBU, there seems to have been constant negativity about parenting over the past several years in social media.

I often want to comment “but I love being a mum” but it’s going to make the previous posters feel worse, so I just don’t say anything. I hope most parents feel the same.

First year of first child was horrendous in many ways though to be fair.

Maybe people feel differently to you - we’re all allowed to have different views and express them....

Spinnaker people are complaining on here precisely because they are making huge efforts for their dc every day and putting themselves second.

Mumsnet should be a safe outlet. where you can say you are finding it hard. Just because someone complains doesn't mean they aren't raising their dc well. It's the parents who are always 100% positive, who never admit to feeling crap, bored, anxious on occasion that I'd be worried about tbh.

Your not the only one at all! I adore my son, I adore being a mum & it's the best thing I've ever done! And also the hardest!

Yawn. Maybe because people need an outlet because the rest of the world expects them to be the perfect mummy and pretend that the constant drudgery of scheduling, shopping, cooking, cleaning, tidying, taxiing etc is just like the best thing that ever happened to them. When actually it’s tedious. Kids aren’t, kids are great. Parenting is tedious.

Because, my dear, if people are required to wear a stiff upper lip at all times, it may lead to larger problems. Occasionally, people need to put the world to rights by having a good old moan. A little kindness, empathy and sympathy can make a world of difference.

Also, parenting is a complex thing with lots of ups and downs. The fantastic bits happen alongside the tedium, the boring chores, the sleepless nights. etc. It's not all one or all the other. But during the toddler and teen years I would argue it can sometimes feel relentless with very little reward.

Because women have been shamed for so long to keep quiet and if they do mention not enjoying parenting then it's suggested they have PND. Men abandon their kids all the time cos they don't want to be a dad anymore.

I love my kids, and being a mum, but it's been bloody hard work and if I want to moan about it - or ask advice - here is a good place!
The DC can't hear me vent and I can get, and have had, very good advice.

Besides if you hear everyone else saying how fantastic they are finding it - thinking specifically of the first few months of my first child at baby yoga, where everyone had seemingly adapted to motherhood just fine- then it can make you feel even more alone.

I think it depends upon the ages and number of children.

It sounds as though you have yet to experience some of the joys of parenting that many of us are currently living through.

Kids do weird unimaginable things, real wtf stuff, at the worst possible time.

I like to think of it this way...

Child no 1 wrote on the wall, I told her off sternly, cleaned and repainted the wall.

Child number 2 wrote on the wall, I told him off and cleaned it off, whilst dealing with the fact child 1 had become diabetic, trying to be a full time employee and run the household etc etc

Child number 3 wrote on the wall, I covered it with blackboard sticky back plastic and bought a selection of chalk pens and we all wrote on the wall, whilst number 2 also became diabetic, hid in a beanbag and ran around the house like the abominable snowman, filled babybell wrappers with shampoo and lined them up on his radiator to melt, I became a single parent, worked full time and attended therapy for rape trauma.

So yeah, I guess people are just child hating wankers who have no concept of what real life is like...no, wait...

Because pretty much everyone is having a shit year, so it's difficult to find joy. Usually the hard or boring bits are contracted by good times, but most fun things to do with kids have been close. Plus the lack of support from either seeing family or groups.

And it's perfectly possible to be driven to despair by your dc on a regular basis while being willing to jump in front of a bus for them any day of the week.

Hmm op @changednamealways how old is your child/ children ?

Other posters nailed it there are phases we all struggle with. Also it depends on what you allow-- behaviour wise.

I have quite high standards, and so I fail daily at meeting my parenting expectations. My DH is out and doesn't see the kids mon- fri due to his long work hours, so yeah for me
I find the grind grinds me down by bedtime.

I would not of considered myself a baby person before I had my kids, but it turns out that the easiest phase for me . Once they start moving then it seem my children personalities are very stubborn, determined, feisty and they need to be asked one thousand times each . Would love compliant kids.
I had a second child because then each child is an individual. Well my kids are a boy and a girl and seem exactly the same in every way. More fool me but I love them
so much, but they drive me to the brink.

I find it quite boring. I love my child to bits but the day-to-day of parenting is all stuff I’m not at all interested in. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I read the other thread and was a bit taken back. Didn’t comment though, don’t think I have anything useful to add. But I get what you’re saying OP, I had no idea so many other mothers felt that way. Felt like a bit of a fraud because I love it. I find it a bit dull and relentless but my DH is great and pulls his weight. He had a few things pop up lately so I was doing his share too and I found it a bit overwhelming so I assume that’s how people with shit husbands feel all the time!

Don’t panic, you’re not the only one. As PP said, I guess when things are all going swimmingly we don’t tend to make much noise about it!

And yes, although this is a TAAT, it’s more inspired by the thread about not enjoying motherhood as opposed to commenting on the specifics. I hope MN doesn’t remove this one as I felt awful reading the other one and this was useful for me.

@Artforartssake

Spinnaker people are complaining on here precisely because they are making huge efforts for their dc every day and putting themselves second.

Mumsnet should be a safe outlet. where you can say you are finding it hard. Just because someone complains doesn't mean they aren't raising their dc well. It's the parents who are always 100% positive, who never admit to feeling crap, bored, anxious on occasion that I'd be worried about tbh.

@Artforartssake is absolutely correct.

”Because, my dear, if people are required to wear a stiff upper lip at all times, it may lead to larger problems. Occasionally, people need to put the world to rights by having a good old moan. A little kindness, empathy and sympathy can make a world of difference.”

And @FourPlasticRings is right too.

Parents need to vent sometimes. I had PND after each of my three ds were born, and this exacerbated existing, undiagnosed clinical depression, so I found motherhood very hard going. This was all before the internet arrived in people’s homes, so I didn’t have MN to turn to, when I was struggling, and I am sure it would have helped. Somehow I find it easier to tell the invisible people who live in my iPad when I am struggling, than I find it talking to people in real life, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Venting here might make it possible for someone to pin the smile back onto their face, and go back to the parenting coal face - and surely that is better than bottling it all up until it all gets too much and you have a breakdown.

I also think that the genuinely neglectful or cruel parents aren’t going to be posting on MN, looking for help,or support - it is the parents who know they are struggling and know they NEED help - so people saying ‘Oh won’t some one think of the poor children’ are probably worrying unnecessarily.

Maybe it’s one of those things that spirals once people are allowed to tell the truth.

Or maybe it’s related to the number of women who have lost or are losing jobs at the moment, due to lockdown and childcare issues. Particularly following 2 decades of poor economic times.

This is a shit country to be a woman and a mother in. It never has been great: but it’s been getting worse and will get worse yet. The waste of women’s lives and capabilities is appalling.

Because people need to be a "victim" today, they need something they're suffering from to have any standing on the internet.

Even f in this case the thing they're suffering under is a very expensive luxury they actively chose to have

For the same reason every husband on the relationship board seems to be having an affair or abusive.

People don't typically make threads about the fact that everything is rosy.

YABU. Women often need an anonymous place to vent, and you disproportionately get more women doing that on a parenting forum, obvs.

Parenting and motherhood maybe alright for you- but if you have PND, no family support, a useless DH, a bad birth, a SEN child or other difficulties with a baby such as bad sleep deprivation (or any combo of the above) then - at times - it will be bloody hard.

We struggled after the birth of our DS, and it took me til he was 11 months old before I felt better. Try having some empathy.

Some days being a mum is wonderful, best thing I've ever done. Some days my children are well behaved, the house is in order and everything feels like it's going my way. Those days are easy.
Some days being a mum is bloody hard, the house is a tip, the children are being difficult, there are a million and one things I'm trying to remember and the baby has been awake for 3 nights straight and I can't think straight. Those days, quite frankly, are shit.

You don't have to a genius to work out which day I might be more tempted to look for some support on the internet.

I love my kids and I love being a parent. It's hard and I don't like every aspect of it, but I have nothing to complain about. I don't understand the "parenting is shit" posts to be honest because I can't identify with them.

We have to recognise though that not everybody feels as good about parenting, and sometimes people just need a rant, or some advice, or just to know that they're not alone and somebody else feels the same. That's something surely we can all understand?

This has been a particularly tough year for a lot of people and I think it's great that we have a place we can come and be honest about our feelings about something. There's no requirement to participate in a thread if we don't want to.

Lockdown

I loved being a parent too until mine we’re teenagers