To wonder why there are so many posts about how shit being a mum is?

[changednamealways]

I get there will always be people struggling, and things like PND play a big part. But everything is so doom and gloom and everyone on here seems to despise being a mum. Am I the only one who thinks it's not that bad, more the best thing I've ever done? Why do people find this so boring and I find it amazing? And that is with having PND for 3 months after ds was born

So someone feels they can open up on an anonymous forum and say how they're feeling, and you want them castigated for it?

The thread titles are pretty clear, don't read them.

Isn't parenting the same as the rest of life, some people like some stuff, some people like different bits, some people have more support, time, money, resilience and it makes things easier.

Difference being we don't have a strong biological and societal pressure to take up sailing or become a solicitor.

@changednamealways

You started another thread before judging other mums. Maybe try to understand that everyone has a different experience and if they feel the need to come on here and vent to help them cope then so be it. You could scroll by if you so wish. I am glad you are having a wonderful experience, I think many, many do and perhaps since going well don't start a thread whereas many threads are started by people struggling with a particular thing? Just an opinion of course

'Why are some mums okay with leaving their baby for multiple date nights a week, and I can't bring myself to leave my 4mo ds with his grandparents for even a food shop? I mean I can do it but I hate every second and I'm filled with anxiety until I get him back. I'd love to be like the people I see on social media and maintain my social life and get dressed up all the time, and I could if I wanted, but I don't want to?! It's such a paradox! also with COVID spikes in my area why would i want to put my baby at risk.. am I being ott and is there something wrong with me because I don't want to leave my baby?'

This person told me my life would get worse each year, I returned a similar comment

No, she said ‘It gets worse each year’, OP , not your life will get worse each year.

Why are you taking it so personally?!

OP, i see from my entire post, the only part you chose to focus on was the rape trauma therapy. I find it interesting and perhaps revealing that you chose to find it incredulous that such an issue may impact upon how someone could feel about parenting at times. Why exactly did you feel the need to highlight that tiny aspect of my post?

The truth is that this clearly is a goady thread. You have a fantastic parenting experience and I truly hope that it continues. Appreciate it and be thankful maybe, rather than judgmental and superior.

Sometimes when you have children with your partner, they let you down, say for example they rape you violently.

You already have 2 amazing children aged 8 and 4 and you have adored every day of being a parent thus far. Only now, you are pregnant with a baby from that rape, you cannot kill that child, you CHOOSE to keep her. But you are traumatized and you find that the promises made to you in deciding to have children were all lies. You are alone, responsible for 2 diabetic children and being the only wage earner, whilst being stalked by an abusive ex.

Can you possibly see that AT TIMES, life in totality can become about survival.

I adore all of my children but I am not so naive or perhaps cruel, to assume that everyone should feel the same way, all of the time. Life isn't like that for all of us.

I didn't read the other thread so may have missed something. But your replies on here have shown your intentions in starting this thread.

Poor show.

@Sceptre86 I agree with mainly 2 points from your post mainly that people take their kids out for their own sanity as well as to keep the kids busy. Also if you spend a lot of time at home anyway well life is really not that different anyway.

I don’t think the OP intended to start another discussion on the same topic. The point was more there seems to be a disproportionate amount of these threads recently. Not that they shouldn’t exist at all.

The threads are aggressive and forceful and you’re eaten alive for saying your kids make you happy. happy parents are too scared to comment so it’s not a fair representation.

..are just goady posts written by the "I'm childfree by choice" brigade with nothing better to do

Maybe truth in this! Seems to be an awful lot of vocal childless posters determined to take over parenting threads.

Everything, no matter its potential to be wonderful, can also be difficult and a bit shit sometimes. That's why on forums like this, people reach out to vent or get reassurance from like minded people. I love my kids etc etc best thing ever etc but I have had my fair share of days of feeling like walking in front of a bus just to escape. Just because someone is despairing of the parenting experience at certain times doesn't mean their children aren't still wonderful to them. My feelings about parenting my preschool twins can go from happiness to desperation in the space of an hour!

Having said that, I'm still currently not talking to a friend who asked me when my twins were born " why have you ruined your life?" 😳

I think it’s great that women are now talking more honestly about the downsides (as well as the upsides) of parenting. We’re all so different - surely it’s inevitable that some women are better suited to motherhood than others. For some it is all the fulfilment they need in life, for others it is plain drudgery. And everything in-between.

I was lucky - I always felt ambivalent about children, but just assumed that I would have them one day because that was just what you did. But then my some of my friends started having babies and I looked at their lives and knew for absolute certain that it wasn’t for me (although they were all pretty happy on the whole). I could so easily have just blindly gone down that route and I‘m sure I would have been pretty useless and utterly miserable. So the more mothers talk about how tough it can be, and get those messages across to young girls, the better as far as I’m concerned.

Because it CAN be really hard, tiring and thankless.
People complain about motherhood, not the kids themselves. There is a difference but this can get lost in translation.
I told a few people irl I wasnt keen on being a mum in the very early days. This was heard by others as I didn't love my baby.
So there you go, that's why people rant on mumsnet.

@Howlooseisyourgoose

This person told me my life would get worse each year, I returned a similar comment

No, she said ‘It gets worse each year’, OP , not your life will get worse each year.

Why are you taking it so personally?!

'It' being life with kids, of which I have 2. So it refers to me, and pretty much everyone else on here

In reply to someone who commented on my post. Yes that was the point I was trying to make. The height of lockdoen wasn't that difficult for me because we are used to being home a lot. Other people aren't so for them naturally it was harder. It wasn't a dig to parents that choose to spend a lot of time outdoors!

[quote RationalOne]@changednamealways

You started another thread before judging other mums. Maybe try to understand that everyone has a different experience and if they feel the need to come on here and vent to help them cope then so be it. You could scroll by if you so wish. I am glad you are having a wonderful experience, I think many, many do and perhaps since going well don't start a thread whereas many threads are started by people struggling with a particular thing? Just an opinion of course

'Why are some mums okay with leaving their baby for multiple date nights a week, and I can't bring myself to leave my 4mo ds with his grandparents for even a food shop? I mean I can do it but I hate every second and I'm filled with anxiety until I get him back. I'd love to be like the people I see on social media and maintain my social life and get dressed up all the time, and I could if I wanted, but I don't want to?! It's such a paradox! also with COVID spikes in my area why would i want to put my baby at risk.. am I being ott and is there something wrong with me because I don't want to leave my baby?'[/quote]
How is that judging, I thought I was in the wrong for being too clingey with my baby 😳 another person not making much sense

Truly though OP, You are in the easy peasy stage. I say that from someone who has Come back in 4 years and update us.

It all depends on circumstances really. Sleeping NT kids, supportive partner, extended family support etc. It's a dream. Take those things away and add in abusive partners, MH issues and single parenting and it's a different kettle of fish.

Have fucking

Well I can't type properly today so you can have that over me wonderful parent oP

😂

@Krankie

You're confused. The point of the threads isn't to give a 'genuine representation' of parenthood it's to provide support to someone who is struggling. I wouldn't turn up to a support group for people in abusive marriages to tell them 'actually my marriage is great, we're really supportive of each other' because that wouldn't be helpful.

I think you need to read between the lines a bit and figure out why people make those posts and what would be helpful to contribute to them. If someone was conducting a survey into happiness as a function of parenthood then yes obviously people who are happy should be represented. If someone is trying to vent feelings they don't feel they can articulate in real life then it's not helpful to tell them that you don't have any of those problems and life is great for you.

It’s not lockdown. These threads have been appearing since the dawn of time on here and the OP is always commended for ‘speaking out’ about the ‘reality’ and their ‘bravery’ in addressing the ‘myths about motherhood.’

Yet the human race keeps going somehow

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet

But they don’t. They don’t ever say I am struggling, please help me. They want to invite a big moan fest of how shitty children are.

@rainyoutside

You seem to lack empathy entirely. The smiley face at the end is obnoxious in the extreme. I enjoy being a mum. I have healthy, NT kids a nice home, supportive husband, plenty of money and everything's easy. I can post on facebook about nice days out I've had with my family and talk to friends and families about minor concerns or irrittations without fear of judgement.

Other people have mental health problems, kids with SN who don't sleep, unhelpful or abusive partners, money issues or all manner of other problems. Life can be really bloody hard in these circumstances and it's not socially acceptable to talk about how hard it is in real life. There is enourmous social pressure to pretend that life isn't perfect but having kids is a wonderul, positive thing. An anonymous forum is a place it's OK to vent these feelings and yes it does require a certain amount of bravery to do that.

A normal, empathetic person, even if they didn't feel the same way about parenthood would try to offer them support, or at least just scroll on. There are some narcisstic people though who feel someone everything reflects back towards them. If someone says 'parenting is hard and I hate it' they feel that somehow diminishes their experience so feel the need to denigrate the person who feels differently to them. It makes them feel superior. Those people aren't nice.

It isn’t ‘my kids have SN’ (understandable) or is have MH problems’ though, is it?

It’s ‘life with children is just awful, I would never have had them if I’d known, why do we do it.’

but they don’t. They don’t ever say I am struggling, please help me. They want to invite a big moan fest of how shitty children are.

As I said read between the lines. There are a million places in life you can talk about the joys of parenting. If someone doesn't feel those joys they can feel alone and deficient. It's absolutely natural they want to find other people who also feel as they do. Why on earth would that bother you. It's not all about you.

@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet

Not confused at all, have you read the threads? All you see on them are people telling their equally depressing views on motherhood, or childless posters boasting about how wonderful their lives are with no kids. Neither of those groups offer much help other than to encourage venting. If genuinely happy parents were more comfortable posting, they could offer a different perspective, remind the OP of the good parts, or at least confirm that it might get better. But you don’t see many of those posts, it’s just one long rant. Insightful/positive viewpoints are ignored or youre shot down for being smug.

Again not convinced they’re genuine half the time anyway. Find it very odd there are so many childless inputs - they arent helpful in the slightest.

[quote Krankie]@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet

Not confused at all, have you read the threads? All you see on them are people telling their equally depressing views on motherhood, or childless posters boasting about how wonderful their lives are with no kids. Neither of those groups offer much help other than to encourage venting. If genuinely happy parents were more comfortable posting, they could offer a different perspective, remind the OP of the good parts, or at least confirm that it might get better. But you don’t see many of those posts, it’s just one long rant. Insightful/positive viewpoints are ignored or youre shot down for being smug.

Again not convinced they’re genuine half the time anyway. Find it very odd there are so many childless inputs - they arent helpful in the slightest.[/quote]
Yep, this.

And I hate it when people say ‘this’.

I absolutely love being a mum, it's the best thing that I've ever done. However, I'm fortunate enough to have one very easy dc, a supportive partner, a flexible career, a decent income and a very good support network. I appreciate that other people have different circumstances, and that their experiences are therefore different from mine.

I tend not to post about how much I love being a mum and I avoid commenting on the "parenting is shit" threads unless I have something useful to share, because it would be pretty smug and insensitive to rub my positive experience of parenting in the faces of those who are finding it difficult. I assume that other people do likewise, which is why you tend to see more posts from those who are sharing the challenges that they have faced.

It doesn't mean that they love their kids any less, or that they aren't good parents - they're just saying how they feel in an anonymous forum, often to support and encourage others who are struggling too.

@Krankie

The people who start those threads are clearly struggling. Having smug people post about how great their lives are would not be in the least helpful. You're not attempting to be helpful really are you? You're just being defensive about a life choice which for you has worked out but for others hasn't.