To wonder why there are so many posts about how shit being a mum is?

[changednamealways]

I get there will always be people struggling, and things like PND play a big part. But everything is so doom and gloom and everyone on here seems to despise being a mum. Am I the only one who thinks it's not that bad, more the best thing I've ever done? Why do people find this so boring and I find it amazing? And that is with having PND for 3 months after ds was born

@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet

If someone is genuinely struggling being a mum (which I doubt for 90% of these threads, I think they are deliberately goady), then a barrage of people agreeing that kids ruin your life isn’t helpful to them. These people may have genuinely terrible circumstances which would exist regardless of children, having people reinforce that children are the sole reason for your unhappiness isn’t helpful for the OP or their children. Encouraging them to be more bitter and convincing their children are indeed the issue. I don’t think it’s healthy at all. Children can make situations more stressful sure, but they can also get you through hard times. Very easy to blame children for “ruining your life”, but the truth is your circumstances may be exactly the same, or worse without children.

I don’t believe a raft of childless posters telling the OP that they were the smart ones is helping the OP in any way whatsoever.

@rainyoutside But it you are working in a difficult job with an unsupportive partner in sub standard housing then that’s never going to be fun

I agree, posters may be unhappy generally but it’s easier to blame the fact you had children for making everything worse, rather than identify the true issues or external factors which make them “hate being a mother”.

Also agree re:step parenting! You do get ripped apart if you dare say anything negative. Such hypocrisy!

@Krankie I totally agree. I don't feel it's normal at all to not love your children or to hate everything about looking after them.

It's not to say people can't agree aspects of it are hard or require a lot of time and resources. But I think it's right that we shouldn't normalize the level of unhappiness OP is feeling. It's the surrounding circumstances that are the issue and clearly not the children

I've mainly stayed away from this thread as it's very sad. But I think parents who feel this way need support with their mental health and circumstances rather than for people to come along and say yes, kids, they're awful.

@SharpLily if you look what this person replied, they said they never felt any love for their children. I was talking to that poster specifically, not someone like you who has a normal relationship with their dc

I do wonder whether people think they don't feel love because they don't feel it in the sense we are told we will. I.e overwhelming, heartbursting joy whenever you look at your child etc...

But I think there must be something there merely for the fact that you're there. I'm assuming said children are looked after, fed, taken to school etc... Doing all it involves being a parent when you don't want to must involve some sort of care otherwise you'd just leave if you truly felt absolutely nothing.

@Krankie

If someone is struggling being a mum it IS helpful to know that they're not alone and that there are other people who also haven't found parenting to be joyful. I think everyone knows that parenting is good for lots of us. If someone is having a rubbish time it's not helpful to say 'well I love parenting. I've never had these issues and my life is great'. It might be helpful to say 'I've felt like you did but my situation improved'. People also should be allowed to have an outlet for their emotions without being judged. If they hate parenting or they struggle to bond with that child then that's how they feel. It's not great obviously but they shouldn't have to hide it.

Maybe call social services and get their kids taken into care seeing as they don't want them?!

It's no wonder women feel like they can't open up when they receive comments like this for doing so. Disgusting.

@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet

I do agree with you, if someone is having issues or a bad day it’s good to hear others are in the same boat. It’s the posts from those who are truly miserable or struggling terribly which don’t sit well with me.

As @CloudyVanilla said ...I think parents who feel this way need support with their mental health and circumstances rather than for people to come along and say yes, kids, they're awful

You’re right they also don’t need people saying they love being a parent - but that isn’t happening on these threads. In fact it’s not happening anywhere on MN. Unless I’m missing the posts I’ve see absolutely nothing positive about being a Mum recently, as I say any positive posts on these threads are shot down immediately.

A search of ‘hate being a mum’ with just that as the title, no other wording such as ‘hate being a parent’ or ‘can’t bear being a mum’ or whatever. Obviously some of these are things like hate being a working mum or hate being my teenagers mum but most are just general woes about motherhood.

I can only attach three images. If I attached them all it would be ten.

It is not a subject shied away from on here by any means!

Unless I’m missing the posts I’ve see absolutely nothing positive about being a Mum recently, as I say any positive posts on these threads are shot down immediately

I don't think that's necessarily shocking though.

Go onto the relationship board, you won't see many posts from people telling you how wonderful their spouses or relationships are either. Doesn't mean there aren't people who feel that way, just why would they start a thread?

sometimes people do and ask others to share what they love about X Y or Z, and whilst that's nice to see, it isn't often because it's a support forum essentially. People don't tend to need support for something that they are happy with.

@rainyoutside

As people have explained to you over and over again that's because this is an anonymous forum where people feel more able to discuss difficult feelings. Lots of those posts will be people going through a temporary sruggle and a minority of others from people who actually don't like parenting in general. People find it difficult to discuss these issues in real life so they seek support here.

There are also thousands of posts from people who are in awful marriages because people who are in marriages which are chugging along nicely don't feel the need to seek support.

[quote EmeraldShamrock]@Artforartssake not necessarily. One poster feels nothing for her DC I think lots of women stay unhappy.
I have never felt love for them. I feel nothing at all[/quote]
But they are in the minority. The majority of PPS have said parenting is a mix of ups and downs.

And of the minority who have said something , a few could be in the midst of a depression, which is treatable. If a parent said to me "I have never felt love for them. I feel nothing at all" I would immediately think they were depressed or so stressed their emotions had shut down.

I know you’ve explained it. I’m not hard of understanding and I don’t need anyone to “explain” a relatively simple concept to me.

I understand it but I think it is unhelpful and silly.

The more you say something the more acceptable it becomes. When I first noticed mn, the ‘i hate being a mum’ posts were infrequent: now they are probably weekly.

Unhelpful and indulgent.

@rainyoutside Your issue is that you have no empathy. NO one cares whether you find their emotions are acceptable. They are there whether they're acceptable or not. If you think reading a thread about someone who doesn't bond with their child or doesn't enjoy parenting is going to somehow infect someone else and stop them enjoying their own child then you have a poor understanding of human emotions. Accepting that parenting isn't always joyful is important. People need to know this before becoming parents. Lots of people don't feel an instant rush of love for their baby. It can take months to develop. Very occasionally bonding doesn't happen - almost always due to underlying issues. People like you are the reason people don't seek support in real life. Your attititude apart from being plain ignorant is also very unhelpful for the actual children involved. A parent struggling to cope or to bond with their child is not going to be helped by not being allowed to discuss their actual feelings or to feel that they're alone. Making a post on a forum and realising they're not alone can be the first step in seeking help. If you don't want to offer help then don't but to complain about them seeking it or how they go about seeking it is ridiculous.

@CrankyFrankyHoot

Yes granted you’re unlikely to start a thread about good experiences that’s true. Do posters need to be shot down for being happy on the “bad experience” threads though? Happy parents don’t seem to have a voice anymore.

It’s the sheer volume and one sidedness that troubles me. As someone thinking about having another child, I read them and genuinely start to worry having another one will make things unbearable the way people describe. It’s sad that’s the only viewpoint being depicted. The endless negative viewpoints can influence people, even subconsciously.

OuiOuiKitty

Erm, no, not really comparable is it?

I meant boring as in repetitive and tedious, a bit like life in general. You can love your children more than life itself but endless talk of dinosaurs, paw patrol or unicorns can dull anyone's brain cells.

Do posters need to be shot down for being happy on the “bad experience” threads though? Happy parents don’t seem to have a voice anymore

I don't know. I don't know if it is a useful contribution though?

As per PP said, perhaps someone saying they felt the same way but don't anymore would be useful as it shows the OP that things can change.

But I don't really see the need to come onto a thread about people struggling with parenthood to tell them how you didn't/don't and love it so much etc etc... I mean, what does that achieve for the person looking for advice or support by posting in the first place?

It's the same with lots of other topics. I don't see why it would be helpful or necessary for me to go onto a thread where childfree posters were discussing what they love about being childfree to tell them all what I love about having children, for example.

I think that's why people get 'shot down' because it doesn't really bring anything to the table in terms of the topic being discussed, which is in this case, not enjoying being a parent.

Why on earth would you want to go to a post with lots of people who are desperately struggling and announce that you're not and you're having a wonderful time. I like parenting too but it wouldn't be helpful to make that point on one of those threads. If I started a thread titled 'what's the best thing about being a mum' then yes by all means post positive stuff. Or if someone made a post saying 'I'm considering having a baby and want to know what motherhood is like' of course you should post positive experiences too. That's completely different from being smug in a post by someone who is desperately unhappy.

Of course there are going to be more posts from people who are struggling because those are the people who will find it difficult to discuss their emotions in real life or often don't have support available and need it most. People who are in abusive or dysfunctional marriages are much more likely to make a post. My marriage is pretty good - I've never felt the need to post about it.

I understand it but I think it is unhelpful and silly.

The more you say something the more acceptable it becomes.

Like saying "I'm gay" you mean?

Or "My husband hits me"?

Or "I don't love my DH any more"?

Or "These are my symptoms, does it sound like PND"?

Are those self indulgent too? Or is your disapproval reserved exclusively for people who feel that parenting in reality is not how they anticipated it to be?

It's not unhelpful or silly at all to express your worries on line. It would be far worse, if someone feels they hate their DC, to bottle it up and not discuss it. Loads of threads on here offer helpful advice and insight to people who are isolated or possibly too ashamed to say something in RL for fear of being judged negatively by people like yourself who think they are being "silly" and "self-indulgent".

Sometimes being able to say something out loud or write it down on a public forum is really helpful. It means you have accepted the reality of your situation and then you can work out how you are going to respond to that. In other words, it's often the opposite of indulgence. Especially when it's a subject that formerly had guilt or shame attached to it. You are hardly likely to write a banner saying "I hate my kids" and walk down the high street are you. (That would be attention-seeking.) Posting on an anonymous forum? Not so much.

And there are massive pressures out there driven by consumerism presenting a very idealistic picture of motherhood which it is helpful to see contradicted.

Also, if someone is going through a difficult phase of parenthood, it could be massively helpful to hear that others struggle too.

(Btw I've just put the same words in the search engine and none of those threads pop up. You've screen-shotted them so they obviously exist, but people often put an "attention-seeking" title on a thread simply to attract posters. I's the content of the thread that matters.)

I guess you could go to a breast cancer support group and gloat over the fact that you don't have it.

It depends whether you want to be THAT type of wanker really

Of course not art, it’s more along the lines of ‘I feel like hitting my wife’ than the examples you give

These threads have been appearing since the dawn of time on here and the OP is always commended for ‘speaking out’ about the ‘reality’ and their ‘bravery’ in addressing the ‘myths about motherhood.’

Yes, I don't quite get all the replies of "wow this is the first time someone is telling the truth". Is this that posters first day on mumsnet? First day on the internet in general? If anything it is one of the top 5 topics discussed on here.

@chickenyhead

I guess you could go to a breast cancer support group and gloat over the fact that you don't have it.

It depends whether you want to be THAT type of wanker really

Unless we are saying children are cancer, no, nothing even close.

This thread reminds me of some posters I've seen on a Facebook multiples group commenting on threads by desperate sleepless at their wits end mothers of baby twins seeking help. Unbelievably some people think it's helpful to mention that their twins slept through the night at 2 months and are easier than their singletons. I've resisted the urge to post fuck off many times.

Of course not art, it’s more along the lines of ‘I feel like hitting my wife’ than the examples you give

Well even in that instance it would still be better to post about it than do it. Same goes for not loving your DC. Better to talk about it and bring it in to the open than bottle it up and feel ashamed and stuck.

It actually can be quite helpful to discover it’s not hell for everybody. Although of course it depends largely on context.

I think there is also a lot of snobbery associated with many of the ‘i hate being a mum’ posts. A lot of it is to try to stress how cultured the OP is and doesn’t enjoy legoland or postman pat but art galleries and museums. Which is fine but parenthood isn’t never ending woe.