To wonder why there are so many posts about how shit being a mum is?

[changednamealways]

I get there will always be people struggling, and things like PND play a big part. But everything is so doom and gloom and everyone on here seems to despise being a mum. Am I the only one who thinks it's not that bad, more the best thing I've ever done? Why do people find this so boring and I find it amazing? And that is with having PND for 3 months after ds was born

Feel however you want

Just don't express in a way I'm not happy or comfortable with.

Not about me. About the children.

@rainyoutside God you don't get it do you. Yes it's uncomfortable when people don't feel the way we think they should about their children. If I could choose everyone would love their kids as much as I love mine and they'd all enjoy the experience of parenting them.

What is important is not what they say or how they phrase it. It's what will actually improve the situation. Hiding their feelings or sanitising them for the comfort of other people doesn't help because it means that person isn't getting help and the situation won't improve. They're probably falling deeper into a cycle of shame and hiding their feelings.

I blame the NCT for most of these. According to them

• labour is this amazing, painfree experience that allows you to discover your real self while you breathe your baby out effordlessly
• after labour your milk will feed your baby immediately, again without efford, and baby will sleep through after a week or so
• babies snd toddler will enjoy baby yoga while mum enjoys a cup of coffee

If any of these aren’t the case, its your attitude that’s wrong. Its YOUR fault. obviously all if these are complete nonsense, but if women are given these expectations, reality is of course shit. Realistic expectations would be a lot more helpful for women to feel in control (but less lucrative for the mum and baby industry)

No, perhaps you are right. I don’t ‘get’ what is to be gained by slagging off the children you brought into the world and saying repeatedly how terrible life is now they exist and how much happier you’d be without them, and have others coming on to agree with you or to say that this is why they decided not to have children. I really don’t get it at all.

Imagine if you knew your mum regretted having you, you'd be heartbroken

As pp have pointed out, many don't have to imagine that.

I don't recall ever being heartbroken about being unwanted as a kid. This is maybe because large parts of my community often spoken of kids like many talk about jobs - it's part of life, some of it's crap, some of it's great, and I just kinda accepted that my mother hated being a parent just like some people hate their jobs. As a kid, my main aim was moving away so we'd both be free.

I do remember being upset at adults who tried to push on me that all mothers deeply love their kids, that all mothers think their kids are amazing and beautiful, that I had to understand that she's going through a hard time, but really loves me. Those were the only things that made me feel that my mother obviously not must be my fault. That if my mother thinks I need to be bleached then I must be really really ugly because all others think their kids are beautiful. As an adult, most of frustration is at communities and institutions that failed us both and adults who put these platitudes and images of what they thought motherhood should be before reality. I'm glad I had some reality then.

I do think there are issues with ruminating on the negatives too much, it's not good emotional care, and there are obviously those who say horrible things to their kids, but I think there is a need for a space to talk about these feelings and that there is better counter to those that feel low than going on about feeling amazing. I think a lot of media goes to these extremes (much like with work more and more I've noticed, it seems to be either your passion or misery, can't just be a job).

Personally, while there are lows and highs, most of my parenting life is fairly neutral. My neutral has gone up over the years through getting better at parenting and at caring for myself, but I wouldn't call it amazing most of the time and loving them has never solved any problems as my problems have nothing to do with loving them. I'm not sure loving kids should be seen as a solution to anything.

@rainyoutside

No, perhaps you are right. I don’t ‘get’ what is to be gained by slagging off the children you brought into the world and saying repeatedly how terrible life is now they exist and how much happier you’d be without them, and have others coming on to agree with you or to say that this is why they decided not to have children. I really don’t get it at all.

Once again that's your problem.

@rainyoutside

Of course you don't want to say any of those things because you don't feel them,. Nor do I, that's why I've never made a post like that. What is to be gained from venting those feelings is partly juts what is always to be gained from releasing pent up emotions but also because it can be the first step to actually seeking some help.

@rainyoutside

it is not for you to determine how much someone is struggling and how they express it

I disagree tbh. Basic respect should be a given. The language used about children in these threads is often quite unpleasant. But anyway, I don’t. I mostly leave those threads well alone. I’m discussing it here precisely because it isn’t one of those threads.

they are at the end of their tether and expressing how they feel

Sure. But it’s not particularly helpful. It just invites numerous complaints about the horror that is life with children and offers little hope for the future.

Why does it need to be helpful? It's an expression of their emotions. Not every single thread on here is meant to help people

@rainyoutside

It’s about language.

Funnily enough I’ve had this conversation recently on here.

‘Caring for my elderly dad is so difficult as he is incontinent, I’m exhausted from getting up in the night to sort him and he’s confused and sometimes aggressive.’ Totally fine.

‘I’m fucking sick of my deranged old bastard of a dad shitting and pissing through the night’ - some would say that’s fine, because the poster is venting and maybe. I wouldn’t judge but I would hesitate to offer support.

I can’t remember who said it but thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become your character.

Adopting a complaining and resentful tone talking about your children is dangerous. It isn’t likely to lead anywhere good or happy or conducive for anybody.

Well no. Not exactly.

I'm doing a lot of therapy atm. I struggle with emotional intensity, I have complex ptsd and I'm a single parent.

One of the things we learn is that thoughts are just that: thoughts. All Feelings are valid, even the 'bad' feelings, and part of the reason tjat people can struggle is because we give value judgements to thoughts and feelings which can cause problems. There is a difference between a thought, a behavioural urge and an action.

When I have been at my darkest, I have wanted to drive my car into a wall. I have wanted to hit people. I have wanted to self harm, but the skill I have learned (and we could probably all do with learning this) is that it's ok to vent. It's ok to understand that the behaviour urge might be destructive, and it's most important to know that we have ways of making sure that we ground ourself, recognise thoughts and feelings for what they are, and manage self-care techniques that ensure we don't act out those extreme outcomes.

Every single human being could do with a course on this, diagnosed with mh issues or not, because so many people apply 'good' or 'bad' values to thoughts and feelings which only compounds the problem for those who don't manage their emotions and feelings well.

The trick I

[quote NotOfThisWorld]@rainyoutside God you don't get it do you. Yes it's uncomfortable when people don't feel the way we think they should about their children. If I could choose everyone would love their kids as much as I love mine and they'd all enjoy the experience of parenting them.

What is important is not what they say or how they phrase it. It's what will actually improve the situation. Hiding their feelings or sanitising them for the comfort of other people doesn't help because it means that person isn't getting help and the situation won't improve. They're probably falling deeper into a cycle of shame and hiding their feelings.[/quote]
Absolutely spot-on, @NotOfThisWorld!

Because its hard work and some people don't have anyone to vent to?