To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

@WeakandWobbly

Hi OP - I'd like to add my 2 cents worth, as I have a child with ASD. People on here are saying to ask your dh to step up, he's lazy and sexist etc. What they don't realise is that " the apples don't drop far from the tree". In other words, if you have children with asd, there is a chance that your dh has traits of asd as well. What this means in reality is that he is UNABLE to do more because he might have problems with organisation, executive functioning, processing speed and so on, which means that he finds family life with small children overwhelming even on good days. I'm living this life, with a dh who flatly refuses to cook, but will only do the things around the home he can manage (luckily he can do the ironing 😁!! ) So when the kids were little I was very much at the sharp end, exasperated with his lack of engagement and felt the way you do. When my son was diagnosed it all made sense. Speak to you GP and get some support. Running away for a week will just send dh into panic attacks, and yes, the house will be in complete chaos when you get back, sorry.

Funny how mothers with ASD and other neuroprocessing disorders don't get to opt out of parenting, no matter how overwhelming they find it.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow I totally agree! I take back what I said: give dh a kick up the bum!! 😂

What I don't understand is the ppl moaning about having children are always the ones that have 2+ kids. If you didnt enjoy having the first why go on to have more? I hated the baby years, had terrible depression for a long time which is why I only ever had one.
After having one baby you can tell if parenting is for you and if it's not stop at the one.Knowing your limits can help keep you sane and if your struggling with one don't think it gets any easier with more thrown in to the mix.
If your dh was useless with helping first time round he will not get any better the next time round either.

If you didnt enjoy having the first why go on to have more?
Maybe it is much harder with two than one?

Wishful thinking?

Contraception slip up?

Thing is it doesn't really matter that OP has two kids now, she can't send one or both of them back.

Better to try and find a way to deal with the situation as it is.

How are you OP?

Funny how mothers with ASD and other neuroprocessing disorders don't get to opt out of parenting, no matter how overwhelming they find it

Hah, so true.

@Ilovegreentomatoes

What I don't understand is the ppl moaning about having children are always the ones that have 2+ kids. If you didnt enjoy having the first why go on to have more? I hated the baby years, had terrible depression for a long time which is why I only ever had one. After having one baby you can tell if parenting is for you and if it's not stop at the one.Knowing your limits can help keep you sane and if your struggling with one don't think it gets any easier with more thrown in to the mix. If your dh was useless with helping first time round he will not get any better the next time round either.

I think some people have a perception that it's not fair on a child to be an only child (which I don't personally agree with, I was a happy only child myself) so perhaps feel they 'should' go on to have more? A pity really if they'd have been happier stopping at one.

Funny how mothers with ASD and other neuroprocessing disorders don't get to opt out of parenting, no matter how overwhelming they find it.

Some of them do.

I'd not take that as an easy excuse, lots of people can contribute usefully even with challenges. But there are people who barely stay employed.

When I was a kid I remember arguing with my mother that if you loved someone, you could work with any such challenge, she was far more pragmatic in her view of marriage and I felt it seemed quite crass - she thought things like a steady income and ability to work hard and even some ind of financial stability were really important. In hindsight though she was right.

@BewilderedDoughnut you post a lot on threads at the moment seemingly just to be an arse about parents / kids. Haven't you got anything better to fill your days with?

Sounds like your depressed op I love every second with my teens, it wont last forever.

@AWryGiraffe @BewilderedDoughnut you post a lot on threads at the moment seemingly just to be an arse about parents / kids. Haven't you got anything better to fill your days with?

Yes but I get ample free time because of the no kids thing! But also, I’m not trying to be an arse about parents and kids. I see things very differently and in my head it’s so simple but people (especially women) seem to over complicate their lives so much and I can’t understand why! It genuinely baffles me!

I go out of my way to make my life easier, I can’t see why anyone would optionally make theirs harder!

I had one friend who asked me if she thought it was worth having children and I said no. All other friends have just announced they’re pregnant and it’s been too late to warn them!

I go out of my way to make my life easier, I can’t see why anyone would optionally make theirs harder!

Some people like challenges, stretching themselves. Climbing mountains, learning new skills, running marathons.

I decided to have children partly because I knew it would be hard work and thought I would enjoy that.

Others have done it because they didn't realise how hard it would be or because they still wanted children badly enough to take the risk or because they didn't realise how they would react in a given situation. All these are perfectly valid.

Sometimes we cope fine with things we would have said beforehand we could never cope with, sometimes things throw us that we thought we'd be fine with.

@BewilderedDoughnut

Clearly people have a range of experiences.

Just because it's shit for some people and you personally don't think it's right for you, doesn't make that universally true.

Not all women should be mothers! The message is getting louder but we're still not there. My BF resents her children so much, has tried to give them up repeatedly. One is currently in care. Nothing she says can convince me that being a mum is not my calling and she agrees I would really love it, flourish even, and she encouraged me to become a nursery teacher or nanny.

If you feel how you do call social services. They can help with relief, someone to talk to, days out etc. I think you have depression. It's not helped by your husband being a cunt. Remember covid is bloody hard but if you've felt like this for a long time it's best to get proper help. Demand time for yourself and kick the hubby to the curb.

@Yesyoudoknowme

So go. Their other parent is there, and he needs a really harsh lesson. Pack a bag and go to visit family or to a hotel/b&b. For at least a week - not some overnight flit so you come back to utter chaos that you then have to clean up. (To be honest, I'd advise a month, so that he's forced to learn how to run the house and properly care for the children).

^This

Also this

Also you probably have ASD too. My friend got her diagnosis when taking her kids for theirs. The phychologist actually told her to come back for her own test.

To be fair, I have one child with SEN and a totally equal DH who pulls his weight completely and I'd say about 50-60% of the time I feel like this. Looking after a child with SEN is no bed of roses.
Op, you have s lot of challenges and you are effectively a single parent. I know I'd feel exactly the same in your shoes. I don't tknow the answer , other than to find some help. It assolutely should be your DH providing it but if that is impossible, you need a support structure from somewhere else , family, friends . Much easier said than done I know.

As I’ve said upthread, I have one DC. She’s easy and lovely BUT, I genuinely believe that you don’t realise what an enormous challenge having DC is until they’re around 3/4. That’s the point at which you realise that you’ve put your whole life on hold, they’re so very costly, you’re looking at years and years or ferrying around, also by then the novelty has worn off. Controversial but I think true

I wouldn't compare yourself to people's facebook posts etc. They're only posting the "happy times". Social media isn't real life.

As part of my job I support women during pregnancy and in the post natal period.
What I see time and time again is women who are intelligent, emotionally resilient and prepared on paper as much as they can be, be totally and utterly blindsided by what motherhood is really like.
I see it so often that I am sure it's a society thing and not an individual woman thing.

I think pregnancy, birth and babies aren't included in most women's lives until they actually get there, like it's on a need to know basis.

I think part of this is because we've decided as a culture that the definition of a successful woman is being able to play with the boys, which I think is important, but also misses out a fundamental part of most women's lives and is a disservice as to them as it leaves them ill equipped to deal with the banal realities of child rearing when they get there.

I honestly think we need to be more honest as a society about pregnancy and motherhood. I think we desperately need men to step up in their supporting roles, but we also need to acknowledge that there are parts that only one sex can do so you even in the most equal relationship ever the burden is going to fall more to the woman.
And that also motherhood is an extremely important job for society, we should make it much easier for women to take career breaks and not see it as a stepping down if they decide to become a stay at home mother.

I haven't had children as I think I have been spoilt and now would find the day to day child rearing extremely tedious, boring and lonely.
I think the expectation that all women will have children is lessening and as it does I honestly think more women will choose not to.

I feel similarly OP, and that with a husband who (generally) helps and supports me as well as extra domestic help. DC1 is ASD/ADHD, DC2 is 5 and has daily toiletting accidents and DC3 is under 1. I too thought family life would be calm and fun, like my childhood was, instead I’m continuously overwhelmed or screaming like a fishwife. This morning DC1 refused to eat breakfast and was arguing with DH whilst DC2 pooed on the bathroom floor. I’m trying to practice more gentle parenting techniques which is helping but I feel so guilty for not getting it right all the time. SEN parenting is hard. On top of that my career stalled when I went part-time and now I feel as though I’ve achieved nothing in my life and my life is over, it’s just drudgery now. I’m teetering on the edge of depression. It’s hard going and you may need to tackle issues one by one to start having the family life you want.

Hi. My heart goes out to you. Firstly kids are not for everyone, everyone has ups and downs with their kids. Some will wish they hadn't had them, some may feel angry at the effect its had on their personal life ie you are now a mum,( and no longer you - the loss if who you are). If this is becoming more prominent for you I don't think it's just about the kids being hard.
I think there are several things going on here and the main one might be you could be suffering from "compassion fatigue". This is where you are doing so much caring/support for others that you get neglected (there is no time for you!).
You have a child with sen and a younger child, both who will be demanding in their own way.

You have a husband who is not pulling his weight (even if he works full time) and this bloody covid is here so even if you had time out what would you do? Etc.
I normally enjoy being the main carer however this last fortnight I've been really struggling (and I don't have the difficulties you are coping with). No normality, no difference from day to day, doing jobs jobs jobs knowing tomorrow will be the same.

During last week I cracked. At sons bedtime his behaviour (not particularly bad, just the last straw!) I told him I didn't want to be there at this moment, walked down stairs, in tears and told dh that I was going out. Dh stepped up and dealt with the boys. I went out in the car and cried my eyes out.
You need to take some 'me' time, even its a bath and coffee/wine. Your husband needs to help - if he doesn't see it himself be VERY specific as to what you'd like him to do.
You cannot look after others if you are not in a good place yourself.

If they did mention it, the human race would die out.

@Janegrey333

If they did mention it, the human race would die out.

Am I the only one who thinks this probably wouldn't be such a bad thing?

Even if you enjoy being a parent you can have too much of a good thing. It can be relentless, it takes up every waking hour of your time and thoughts and kids never stop demanding.
You sound absolutely worn out with it all. Can you go and stay with family/friend, get a complete break for a week? Let your DH learn how tough it is - he sounds like an extra child you have to look after too.