To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

Totally agree with this. My mother was like this too and it has done long term damage. I was aware that neither of my parents wanted me really . They were too young and immature to cope when I was born. Initially I was treated as a dolly, then when the appeal wore off I was ignored or ridiculed.
You sound like you really love your kids and are doing your best OP. Anyone in your position who has a husband who is a lazy selfish arsehole would feel as you do. I think if you took him out of the equation or he actually supported you and acted like part of the family, things would be very different. Don’t let your kids feel they are a burden and an encumbrance. Sort out your marriage so they aren’t the casualties.

Sums it up

Your husband sounds a disgrace. Next time your son has an accident. Hand him rubber gloves and walk away

@Boredandexhausted

It’s not all the time - maybe once a week? He just doesn’t seem to bother, waits too long and then is covered and it’s disgusting. All over the toilet, the sink, the floor. Sometimes the door. It’s worse if he’s tried to clear up himself - it actually makes more of a mess. Dh will be all ‘Bored, ds has got poo everywhere again!’ then go back to lying on the sofa.

You say "he" and that's he's nearly 12 so there's one angle for you.

"DH we need to have a talk. It's not appropriate for me to be helping DS with toileting now he's getting older. It really needs to be you helping him with this now."

And then get him to do it. Even if your DH does it really poorly the first few times, don't give in. This bit is now his job.

So go. Their other parent is there, and he needs a really harsh lesson. Pack a bag and go to visit family or to a hotel/b&b. For at least a week - not some overnight flit so you come back to utter chaos that you then have to clean up. (To be honest, I'd advise a month, so that he's forced to learn how to run the house and properly care for the children).

^This

I can’t go away. It’s covid times. Even if it was not covid times dh would never agree to it.

You can. We have just been away to stay in a caravan for 2 weeks, pick your places carefully (preferably somewhere with no mobile signal) and go. Don't ask him. Just go. I really mean that. Leave a note so they don't call the police, but give yourself a break.

Test for depression is to have a few days away and see if your mood lifts. I bet it does! Daily grind is very dull and your eldest sounds hard. Some people have very helpful parents who take the grandkids away for weekends, winter born girls and husbands who think of things to do and do them. You have none of this so it is hard. Go away for a few days to show your husband how hard it is and that you need help.

I get where you're coming from OP, I think most parents do but not everyone is honest. Its tough and dull most of the time. But wouldn't life without them be a bit meaningless?

But it’s all tempered with “but it’s so so worth it”. What if you genuinely feel it isn’t?

No it isn't. You're obviously just not paying attention

@Boredandexhausted think you should post this in a autism parents Facebook group, you will get more understanding! As i say previously if you don't have autistic kids then you have absolutely no idea!! Quite frankly disgusted at some comments here!

If ypur ds has SEN get more support
Speak to gp znd docial services childrrn with disabilities
Consider residential boarding school for him
Or family link part time foster carers

Yeah, it’s just so easy to get all the help and support you need. Or just ship them off to boarding school 🙄

Spend an afternoon with someone who has small children

This literally never happened to me. I knew no one with small kids growing up. All my relatives are my age and I was one of the first of my friends to have kids.

see parents in supermarkets

Maybe because I tended to go late nights to the supermarket, I rarely saw this either.

Not everybody experiences time with kids before they have them.

Minty not easy no. But it is possible. We don't know if op has even asked. Shs hasnt mentioned it.
Op does not insist on help from her own dh ...so
Has she even asked for support from ss ?

Op needs to know there are options.

By 12 my ASD SLD ds was doing weekends at respite. But you dont get anywhere without asking.
Op seems to be suffering. But resigned. Does it all.
Sees no way out. Sounds desperate.
So she needs to do something .

Because it’s not shit. Though I imagine it could be if your child had sen.

Because it’s not shit. Though I imagine it could be if your child had sen

Of course it’s shit! There was a thread recently on here and so many people said if they could have their time again they wouldn’t have kids. There is a reason for that!

So sorry you feel this way. I think you have a husband problem rather than a parenting problem. Suggest counselling. Everyone has bad days/weeks where they want to chuck the kids in the bin and run away but I don’t think it’s normal to feel this way long term. Do you think you might have depression? X

It s,shittier to have crap dh than to have a child with SEN ...but you must try get support and respite .

But they absolutely do tell you, it’s just that when you are ttc and pregnant you really aren’t listening. It’s a biological thing

Yes exactly this! You're all full of hormones and just won't listen. I clearly remember two women saying to each other, Oh well, she can enjoy the baby stage, and chuckling to themselves about the years of tedium and stress ahead.. the bitches!

Hi OP - I'd like to add my 2 cents worth, as I have a child with ASD. People on here are saying to ask your dh to step up, he's lazy and sexist etc. What they don't realise is that " the apples don't drop far from the tree". In other words, if you have children with asd, there is a chance that your dh has traits of asd as well.
What this means in reality is that he is UNABLE to do more because he might have problems with organisation, executive functioning, processing speed and so on, which means that he finds family life with small children overwhelming even on good days. I'm living this life, with a dh who flatly refuses to cook, but will only do the things around the home he can manage (luckily he can do the ironing 😁!! ) So when the kids were little I was very much at the sharp end, exasperated with his lack of engagement and felt the way you do. When my son was diagnosed it all made sense. Speak to you GP and get some support. Running away for a week will just send dh into panic attacks, and yes, the house will be in complete chaos when you get back, sorry.

I think weak and wobbly has a really good point re you DH. I pretty much know exactly how you feel. We adopted two aged 3.5 and 20 mths. We were told they were a bit hyper!! I was in my late 40s and thought I could handle anything, but no, it was relentless. totally, and utterly sole destroying. I never did go back to work as I'd planned. Eventually we discovered both had ADHD, ASD and sensory processing disorder on top of the trauma they had previously experience. Having gone to my G.P. I was diagnosed with stress and PTSD. I had counseling which was OK but what got me through was the meds. Thank god for the meds! I applied for all the financial help we could get and got a cleaner in. This was a godsend. She does all the ironing as well as the cleaning. Being at home whilst the children are at school makes a massive difference. It also gives me time to join some groups - in normal times. My DH is not very observant and doesn't do things on his own without being asked so I have had to made a few things 'his jobs' washing up, and filling and emptying the dishwasher for one. Veg. prep. is another. Good luck.

You need a decent sleep. Others have given good advice. The getting away on your own sounds ideal, but a calm clear longer term plan would be good, too. A schedule to include time for you to do your things, and for parents to do things without children, and for one or both parents to be with just one child, doing enjoyable things. Sibling squabbling is horrible for you.

At least, all the family go to bed at 8 , if you will be up at 6. Lights out, nothing to see here folks, so no incentive for one child to stay up. Parents could watch screens in bed for a couple of hours with headphones, without children knowing they are awake.

There are probably good sources of online advice not just from super nanny type people but others with special needs children. I understand why someone said go to the doctor, but I would hesitate to think giving you drugs (which is almost inevitably what a doctor would do) is the way to balance your life and your workload. You need a clear head.

You also need a job. If it is just a few hours or just volunteering, you desperately need to get out. You are not valuing yourself, and there's a lovely family of four, including you, who need you to be happy.

but I would hesitate to think giving you drugs (which is almost inevitably what a doctor would do) is the way to balance your life and your workload. You need a clear head.

Sometimes the drugs help you clear your head - I’m very anti drugs but they definitely saved my sanity by giving me headspace from all the stress and anxiety. Sometimes the drugs allow you to work it all through.

Great @WeakandWobbly

Much more likely the husband is just a lazy fuck.

Sorry.

@Boredandexhausted

I am not a single parent but dh does nothing with the children or for them. They will walk past him to ask me something even if I’m in another room. Or if they ask him he just shouts me. I just want them to go away. It isn’t their fault, of course it’s not. They are lovely children. But the fighting and squabbling, the endless moaning - it gets me down. I am bored of all of it, I don’t want to do dinner time, bath time, homework, story time, bedtime. And then by the time they are both in bed - gone 10pm, I’ve had it because I’m up at 6am.

Do you know what youll probably enjoy your children more if you left your husband. Nothing like resentment that your doing everything for the children to zap the joy out of having them, I absoultly loved all my time with my son when I was with his useless father but after we split up I enjoyed it so much more when I wasnt carrying around resentment that I was the only one doing all the parenting, even though I still am the only one doing the parenting.

I have a child with ASD. People on here are saying to ask your dh to step up, he's lazy and sexist etc. What they don't realise is that " the apples don't drop far from the tree". In other words, if you have children with asd, there is a chance that your dh has traits of asd as well.

I told the OP her DH needs to step up. I also have a child with ASD. My DH is brilliant and is an equal parent.