To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

I am not a single parent but dh does nothing with the children or for them.

This is why parenting sucks. Parenting is only good if you have support. Without some kind of support parenting is awful.

Sorry, I didn't see this is a zombie thread. Why are people restarting zombie threads?!?

I think you have ‘D’ H problem not a children problem OP

I think society sends a lot of messages about women being neurotic, and in the 80s they were all on valium for their nerves and stuff. Society never mentioned that being a woman is actually really really hard, and that in fact we are pretty amazing and calm on swan-like under the circumstances.

If you look at the old BBC series of Price and Prejudice a huge part of the plot is about how the mother is neurotic and useless, and nobody ever stops and says "Hang on, this woman has borne and raised 5 children. and has no financial security. No wonder she's highly strung."

ZOMBIE THREAD and was featured in the Daily Fail so OP is hardly going to come back after 9 months.

But if you are reading it and this is your situation, this is about your Dh. My Dh worked full time "professional days" which means he did have to work some evenings and weekends but he did it from home and downed tools when he could get breaks. He was still a hands on Dad, took time out to eat a family meal every night no matter what, I had a lie in every Sunday morning, he took the boys out to breakfast so the house was peaceful. I was a SAHM too. He even did nights when the boys were little.

It is very sad he sees them as your responsibility only. Yes the children would often leave the lounge where Dh was and come to find me to ask me for something, my response was where is your Dad? Go and ask him. When your Dh shouts for you your response should be you deal with it. He is teaching them that you and only you are there for the children and you are reinforcing it.

I have a preschooler DS with diagnosed ASD (albeit mild, so I feel like a bit of a fraud) and a toddler DS too.

I know this is a necro-thread, but - if you are reading this - the problem is not the kids, it's the lack of support.

Get your DH to get off his backside and help. If the kids ask for you, send them back to DH. If DH calls for you to help, tell him to sort it out. Not all the time, obviously, but you need downtime in order to be the best parent that you can.

I've told all mine to not have kids, I hope they listen!. I don't want to be a grandmother either. Life is for ultimately for yourself, not to be constantly in the service of others. I feel for you, is there any way you can detach from them for a bit? Mentally if not physically? If you went out for an hour (leave dh with them) what would happen?

Totally get this, am on my own with 3, oldest has SN and have never had any help, no family etc. One of the problems is that the challenges of the first child take most of the parental attention and the other kids suffer for it. SN parenting and NT parenting are like day and night. I laugh when I hear what some parents stress about. They really don't know they're born. I hope the OP is okay and got a break.

I am sorry you are struggling so much .It sounds fucking hard graft . I would say not to take too much notice of people posting piccies on FB! That is just a split second moment ,in an otherwise imperfect day! You sound exhausted TBH.Can you have a few days away? just with DP or something ?

Well it can feel like this sometimes. When I wave mine off to school I do feel a good sense of relief that I won’t be bothered by them for a good few hours!! On the other hand, there are so many good things to make up for the endless “bothering”..but I think maybe you have to create this. What do you like doing? I like baking, nature, museums, long walks, reading, history, board games...so I’ve made sure the children like these things too and so we have fun doing them together. Okay so it’s a different sort of fun than lying in the bath reading my book, or going away for a luxury weekend without them, but it’s still definitely fun. There are a lot of questions but when they’re about interesting things, it’s different. And the annoying stuff - requests for snacks, boredom, squabbling...you just have to give them a short sharp response and ignore. They will
stop doing it.

And always always always ignore social media!! It’s not a real picture, everytime.

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

As others have said, it all comes down to your husband really. How dare he shout to you to sort out HIS children? Why does he know nothing about their schooling? Why does he lie on the sofa while you work til 10pm and beyond?

Op I really feel for you.
It is shit and relentless made a million times worse when your DH does fuck all.

You need to do some things for yourself.
Can you do an exercise class or hobby a couple of evenings in the week?
Go out with friends at the weekend.
You need time to yourself so that when you are with the dc you’ll enjoy it.

And if your DH refuses to pull his weight, you’ll find it easier as a single parent.

I find it refreshing and liberating that a woman can say how shit and boring they find motherhood - and they should be applauded for it because making out it's 100% sunshine and roses is doing no-one (least of all women considering motherhood themselves) any favours.

I never wanted kids and have no regrets about not having a family. Lots of friends over the years have felt justified in telling me how 'lonely' I'll be in my dotage and won't have anyone to 'look after me' which I find both shockingly rude & hugely presumptuous. There's NO guarantee your kids will want anything at all to do with you (as is quite often proved here on this very forum) and if even one of your reasons for having kids is to have someone mop up your piss when you're old then, frankly, you deserve to get shafted on that score.

Women are sold a complete fairytale version of motherhood - both in image and expectation - by the media, corporate commercial retailers and society at large. If men had even a tiny fraction of the social and societal expectation handed to them from early childhood about what constitutes being a 'good' mother, we'd have a population crisis and governments having to till out billions to encourage couples to procreate.

I remember Julie Burchill being absolutely ripped to shreds for YEARS when she walked out on her husband and young son. I was only 10 years old at the time, but even then I knew a man would never have been subjected to the same vitriol. I know Burchill is a divisive woman, but my point is that her treatment upon leaving the family unit was ENTIRELY contra to the treatment that would have been directed towards any man in the same situation. Burchill became sub-human in the eyes of many and I remember being bewildered by it - as a pre-pubescent girl - that's how ingrained the notion of 'motherhood' is.

Motherhood is a giant con, in my view, and any woman who stands up and actively says; 'This is shit' is considered some sort of unstable renegade and a pariah, when they SHOULD be hailed a hero for smashing the rose-tinted view too many women are expected to adhere to.

OP, I hope you find support and life improves for you, I really do.

Nothing in my life (I have a lovely DH, professional job and have had cancer treatment) has made me as frustrated as my children. They are so completely irrational and sometimes dismissive of me. But equally nothing has given me so much joy. That’s what no one could ever tell you until it’s happened to you.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry to hear how hard it has been for you. I wonder reading your posts whether it might help to have some counselling or something for the difficult time you have had (particularly as you say there are things you haven’t had time to process properly). I really agree with other posters that some of this is simply you not having any practical space and time for yourself but I wonder if there is some trauma making that even harder?

You’re sick of SEN aspect i reckon

My son has autism and life was just gruelling between the ages of 2-6. Wouldn’t speak eat sleep or poo and absolutely everything was a source Of anxiety

What really helped us was melatonin for the sleep - can you ask for that?

Your children are perfect the way they are. Unfortunately society is very exclusionary and that is what makes things difficult for families who don't fit the cookie cutter mould. But it is not your children who are at fault.

Oh I see, it's the same poster who has another thread running about her useless dh

Because he isn’t parenting- you are. He’s just doing wtf he likes whilst you do all the crap stuff.
He needs to sort himself out.

Father’s Day on Sunday. How about he actually becomes a ‘father’ to his DC. You go out for the day.

‘DH, here is your Father’s Day present! You are spending the whole day with your DC! Yes, just you!! I don’t want to get in the way on your special day! ... See ya!’

@BillywilliamV

But they absolutely do tell you, it’s just that when you are ttc and pregnant you really aren’t listening. It’s a biological thing.

I don't think "they" do. It's all about labour and never sleeping again with babies, and maybe a bit of the terrible teens but that's it.

However, people do love to tell your their labour/baby horror stories I agree.

@TheTuesdayPringle

Your children are perfect the way they are. Unfortunately society is very exclusionary and that is what makes things difficult for families who don't fit the cookie cutter mould. But it is not your children who are at fault.

This is also true. The school system prefers those who conform and fit in, and those who don't are considered to be a problem.

UghZombiethread. Bloody annoying.
(Wonder whether OP is still with her useless DH?)

i havent rtft but sorry for your situation.

you arent a lone parent but sound like one. your dh has to share responsibility otherwise you will lose your health.