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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

505 replies

Boredandexhausted · 13/10/2020 16:54

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

OP posts:
LeSquigh · 15/10/2020 17:00

Here to lend support and say that you are not alone in how you feel. You do seem to have added pressures with your children OP, and it’s hard enough having two kids without those so I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you.

The process of pregnancy, giving birth and the after effects have all had a profound effect on me, both physically and mentally. After my first (the one which caused me to suffer most) I swore blind that I wouldn’t have another, but then I was in a new relationship and I did and whilst it’s difficult (and I would feel extremely guilty) to regret them, and despite loving them dearly, my life just isn’t the way I thought it would be and every day feels like I’m climbing a mountain with only sleep as respite from it. I work a lot, long hours and unsociable shifts, as does my DP, we are lucky that we don’t need any paid childcare but we never see each other and we have probably sat around the table as a family twice in the last month to eat together. There’s little time to do anything together never mind having any sort of life of my own and I have genuinely forgotten who I am as a person and there is no light at the end of that tunnel. I had both my kids over the age of 30 so they will still be young if I ever get to retire. I really have to take one day at a time because I will lose the plot if I don’t.

dorothyovertherainbow · 15/10/2020 17:02

Bit of an insensitive post during Baby Loss Awareness week!

randomer · 15/10/2020 17:29

@dorothyovertherainbow, it is possible to feel empathy for those who have lost babies and feel immense frustration at the relentless and sometimes thankless task of parenting.

Charlieeee76 · 15/10/2020 17:38

@randomer I agree. You don’t hear many people speaking like this and openly speaking about the negative parts about parenting I think it’s a really good post OP. Thanks I’m glad to know it’s normal to feel like this at times and other parents can relate.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 15/10/2020 18:28

@dorothyovertherainbow

Bit of an insensitive post during Baby Loss Awareness week!
Hmm
InflamatoryWrit · 15/10/2020 19:20

@dorothyovertherainbow

Bit of an insensitive post during Baby Loss Awareness week!
I have zero patience with posts like this.

"OP should not discuss these struggles and posters should not offer support because of ..."

Fuck that.

I am a person grieving the loss of my 1 year old DGC, but I don't shut down other people's issues and worries because of that. Get a grip.

MrsDrudge · 16/10/2020 17:40

Well said @InflamatoryWrit.
So very very sorry for your loss.

Peanutbutterjelly10 · 16/10/2020 17:53

Op you sound like you have depression. Feeling hopeless and find no joy in anything. Maybe PND that never went? Obviously your life is harder with a DH that doesn't help and a child with SEN. could you go to the docs and tell them how youre feeling? Would your DH stay at home one night so you can do something for yourself? Gym? A walk? Seeing a friend?

InflamatoryWrit · 16/10/2020 17:54

Thank you MrsD

ferntwist · 16/10/2020 23:08

Bloody hell OP. I cannot believe how little your DH is doing. This is one of the most unequal marriages I’ve ever heard about, even on here and that’s saying something. What does he contribute? No way should you clean up after DS messes in the bathroom next time. Tell him it’s his turn. Go on. Just do it. Also make the kids bedtime much earlier. 9:30pm-10pm is way too late if you’re up at 6am.

CFuser · 24/10/2020 18:05

Hi - maybe you don't particularly want my opinion as I have no children (I found this thread via Daily Fail) but I agree that having children is the "normalised" choice and not having children is "abnormal" in society.... Which puts young people in a difficult position. I agree with the other posters that it sounds like you're getting no support from your partner which is not helping. However, some people just don't enjoy being parents. In my line of work I deal with parents on an almost daily basis who are really struggling because it is monotonous domestic repetitive work for a large part. I do wonder sometimes how we make this known to young people, so they can make an informed choice about whether parenting is really for them. I really hope it gets better for you and you get some support and rest.

SylvanianFrenemies · 24/10/2020 19:32

Are you depressed? It sounds like it.
The way you feel isnt typical. If you can see your children as lovely then I'd guess it isn't an absence of love or caring making you feel like this. I'm sure your DH isn't helping matters either.
Your kids are probably moany and unsatisfied in part because you take no pleasure on them. Attention seeking = connection seeking. If you can break that cycle things may improve. So start with addressing any mood issues Flowers

arethereanyleftatall · 24/10/2020 20:14

YOUR HUSBAND IS AN ARSEHOLE.

That is the problem. The entire problem. Nothing to do with your kids. First understand that and then decide how to proceed.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 24/10/2020 20:21

What @arethereanyleftatall said

GracieLea · 24/10/2020 20:45

I only got through the first 5 pages, so apologies if this has been mentioned.

OP, has your husband been assessed for ASD? I see so many families (read Mothers) struggling when their children have ASD and the fathers not parenting enough, and so often it's exacerbated by one of the parents (usually the father) having undiagnosed ASD.

It means the NT parent essentially has another child to manage.

I think Covid has added an extra level of stress to an already very difficult situation. I don't have experience with it personally, but I look at my friends parenting children with ASD and although they fiercely love them, it's so so so much harder. Comments like get them to bed earlier must make you want to scream.

Finally I think very understandably you have depression and need to talk to your GP.

You're blimmim amazing, all the very best.

Alicesweewonders · 24/10/2020 22:36

Jeez, I've just finished reading this thread and have just seen the bloody mail have a story on it already!!!😡

WeakandWobbly · 24/10/2020 23:32

@GracieLea I said this further up thread, and some pps disagreed. Asd in dads make life waaaaaay harder!

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 24/10/2020 23:49

"YOUR HUSBAND IS AN ARSEHOLE.

That is the problem. The entire problem. Nothing to do with your kids. First understand that and then decide how to proceed."

This x 1000.

I'd be hating life too if I was basically being treated like a house elf. No wonder you feel flat OP.

Stripey3000 · 16/06/2021 22:53

I'm new to MN so have only just read this thread.
And I was wondering, how are you OP? Have you managed to get any respite? X

0nlyMe · 16/06/2021 23:45

I completely get it. My first was a crier. She screamed allll the time. Second was enjoyable but then diagnosed with autism and I still to this day don’t get when people say “I wouldn’t change it, it makes them special”. Bollocks to that. It’s bloody hard and his future terrifies me. I would definitely change it. Just had my third - unplanned. I’m struggling. DH is same as yours, does eff all and has anxiety and a whole host of illnesses which frankly I don’t give a crap about as he only cares and whines about himself.
I think you need to find some time for yourself without having the pressure of “what are the kids doing without me” I find if I do get a babysitter whilst I run an errand it comes with a running commentary of what the kids are doing. It doesn’t help me switch off and feel “free”. Anyway I don’t know how- but that’s what I need. Maybe you can find it.

2bazookas · 17/06/2021 00:18

If DH has always been a lazy slob, why get together, why stay with him or have children with him? When you found parenthood boring and hard work first time round with DC1, why have two?

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 17/06/2021 07:33

I've just seen this thread has been resurrected and after a DM article you're probably put off responding OP!

I just came along to say, I think there's probably lots of parents who feel the same as you do but are too scared to admit it. I also echo what other posters say about your husband, he needs to step up or you will burn out! Looking after children with SEN is a fulltime job. You work part time then come home to your unrelenting family needs. The load needs to be shared so that you and 'D'H have equal leisure/rest time.

Some practical solutions:

  • Look into sibling clubs for your other child (many charities do them)
  • Are there any specialist playgrounds or centres near you? These are a lifeline for us as the kids can play without us worrying they're going to run off or whatever.
  • Do you get DLA for your eldest? If not, look into it so that you can have more money to do things like pay for SEN trained babysitters to go out in the evening/weekends or even pay for a cleaner to lighten your domestic duties.
  • Find little ways to lighten your load: buying a tumble drier made an ENORMOUS difference to our lives. I'm looking into getting a robotic hoover now :)
Flowers
EishetChayil · 17/06/2021 08:15

@2bazookas

If DH has always been a lazy slob, why get together, why stay with him or have children with him? When you found parenthood boring and hard work first time round with DC1, why have two?

How on earth do you imagine this is going to help the OP? Maybe think before you make such an arsey, unnecessary comment. It reflects awfully on you as a person.

SRS29 · 17/06/2021 09:15

@Boredandexhausted

It’s stuff like... I’ve finally got them to bed just after 10pm tonight and then my shopping arrived (only slot I could get) and dh hasnt moved off the sofa. I am finally finally almost done but the washing up from dinner is still there.
Op your husband sounds like a lazy arse and you are exhausted. No self respecting man would sit back and let you do literally everything. Ironically you are living life of a single parent without the benefits ( eg. no lazy arse of a husband winding you up). He really needs to shape up or ship out.....I really hope you get sorted and some help x