In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

[WinterWsyi]

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

I don’t know. Its a hotel break away for both of you so it’s not just for him. Our first Christmas my now DH got me a trip to Paris for 3 nights - flights accommodation and food & drink. I’d say he spent well over £1,200 and we had only met in May.

If he couldn’t afford it that would be fine and I’d never want anyone to stretch themselves on a gift but he could afford it and it was nice for me to see he was generous and wanted to spend his money and time with me.

rather than a red flag it could just be that you are incompatible. You don’t like spending a lot of money on gifts, He does. It would be good to find out other areas you are potentially not compatible in around money. It seems like each of you have assumed as you’re on a similar salary you have similar views around money.

Also do you actually see this going somewhere? At 8 months I was head over heels with my now DH and we were both very solid and clear this was a serious relationship. You don’t seem to think the same focusing on it ‘only’ being 8 months and you not wanting to spend much on him for a big birthday even though you can easily afford it and would benefit from the weekend away too.

I wanted to say I didn’t like how he asked for it but then remembered I asked for a weekend away for my birthday this year (not a big birthday) and my DH probably spent more than £1,200 as it was 2 nights in a 5*

I personally don’t like financial comparison between gifts. If he’d spent £1000 on your birthday present presumably you’d feel differently?

I would always spend more on a big birthday than a ‘normal’ one. Also, a night/weekend away has benefit for both parties, it’s not a gift solely for the receiver.

I think voicing it is crass, but I don’t think he is totally unreasonable to feel the way he does.

When my DC were young and it came to Christmastime when they would flick through the Argos catalogue to find which pieces of plastic tat they would like from loving relatives, I drummed it into them that they were no allowed to demand things willy-nilly. They had to look at the price. They were not allowed to request expensive items. It's not nice to put people on the spot like that. It's bad manners.
It's one thing to say "I'd like a stay in a hotel". It's quite another to say "I'd like a stay in this obscenely expensive hotel".

Your takes home monthly salary must be around £5500 unless the plus is considerably more than 100k, so it's a fifth of your monthly salary, I bet lots of people here would spend that on a partner's significant birthday, you've said you're spendy and like nice things, but not for others? I also agree you're spending £600 on him and £600 on yourself , so actually it's a tenth of your monthly salary and I'd imagine a lot of people who are in much tighter financial situations than you are, spend more than that as a percentage. Personally I don't count up and compare the exact financial value of presents between me and my husband.

I'm surprised that so many people are totting up the £'s and not concentrating on attitude. Op got what she thought was a nice present. He rejected it and demanded more. All this "you can afford it" is kind of secondary for me.

A lesson to be learned here about not mentioning a pretty high income on MN.

Agreed. You should have changed the figures to be lower and then the responses would be entirely different.

I think you need to tell him that your not willing to spend more than for one night, but you would go halves on the second night.
That in future there is a limit of £250 on gifts, as your worried about the economic impact of the virus on jobs and would rather have enough savings to carry you through.
Also spending that kind of money on a person in a new relationship, makes me wonder if he is a keeper or not, as he seems willing to overspend too appear nice.
Trying too hard tends to stop as a relationship gets into the next phase, and he gets his boots under the table....lol

I agree with you @WinterWsyi, it feels like he thinks he can guilt and manipulate you into getting what he wants. £1200 is a lot. For context DH has a big birthday this year, we are booked into a luxury holiday rental for three nights as taking the DC’s too. On top of this I have ordered food delivery, single malt whiskey, champagne, good wine, treats etc. He will also get gifts to open and a cake, balloons and a meal out (if restrictions allow) plus coffees etc when away.
We have joint finances!!!

I cringe at the fact you pointed out how much your birthday present cost! How frigging rude! Who is counting who spent what? You are taking the fun out of it
*@Malachite234, well, OP's boyfriend is certainly counting who spent what isn't he (mentioning how he'd spent £400 on her bag so expects her to spend far more because it's a "milestone birthday"), and because of this has taken the fun out of it.

OP, YANBU to feel uncomfortable about his attitude, and I don't blame you at all for not wanting to spend that much on him this early in the relationship. It's a big red flag. It best it seems you have differing attitudes to gifts and money, maybe a "love languages" incompatibility?
I think you've got 4 options; ignore your concerns and pay up; buy him something else entirely in the knowledge he'll still be clocking how much you spent; have a heart to heart about attitudes to money and spending; give him the £400 he spent on your gift and dump him.

In a fairly new relationship I’d always spend like for like on gifts. Doesn’t matter what the cost or income of the parties concerned.

If he wants nights away at swanky hotels he can pay for them himself. It’s a tenth of his take home salary as well and shouldn’t bother him. By that logic.

Gifts shouldn’t be dragged out of the giver or make them feel resentful.

OP, there is something wrong with your math. He wants 2 nights which would amount to £1200. His share is £600 which is £200 more than he spent on your birthday. Given his bday is a big one I could see why he thought it was a reasonable uplift. However it is a rather inappropriate to demand bday presents of any value. I wouldn't like my partner to behave like that.
I equally dislike your 'hinting' about designer item for £400 after just 4 months of dating. I believe it is equally inappropriate. For the record, I had similar income situation to yours, I still think expecting this budget that early on is wrong from both of you

Op is not being tight, her dp can also afford a second night without acting like a spoilt baby sulking because someone else won't pay three times what he himself paid for in a relationship that's just over half a year old!!! This is too much for a new relationship and even if you stay together, what next? A round the world cruise for your one year anniversary? It's just going to increase year after year and become a bone of contention for you. I'd just hate the expectation.

I think it's nice to celebrate birthdays away - why not just split the cost and then buy a gift?

You need to deal with this in a wider context to stop it being an issue.

Sometimes people spend a lot because they enjoy gift giving rather than doing it to appear too nice!

My now husband and I had been together for 9 months when I paid for a Caribbean holiday for us as a surprise. I had no idea if we would go the distance but did it because I thought we would have an amazing time (we did) and that even if we didn’t stay together (we did) that it would be a lovely holiday to have had. I didn’t do it to make him like me and didn’t do it with the thought it would be a waste of money if we broke up. I just thought can I afford it and would we enjoy it, answer to both was yes so I booked.

Surely the thing about milestone birthdays is that you get a nicer present than usual from people who've known you for years, rather than a few months? So for my children, they got a nicer present for their 18th, their 21st and will do for their 30th, but every other year they get something cheaper. If someone rocks up and after a few months says "It's my big birthday so you should be spending thousands" then that's just plain cheeky and entitled.

If you've been brought up with better manners and a better attitude to this, then you won't be able to stomach this guy long-term.

Reading the OPs update perhaps you are mismatched financially. His attitude does seem a little off.

If it was me and DP (although our hotel would be closer to a Premier Inn than what you're talking about - indeed it probably would BE a Premier Inn!) we would split the cost of the hotel, I'd pay for the meal on his birthday, we'd split everything else - and I'd get him a gift separate to that.

For big birthdays and the like, I enjoy giving gifts that can be kept and appreciated for years to come, and a night (or even two) in a hotel can be pretty forgettable .. although I suppose that's the case for us because we're in a Premier Inn and you'd be at somewhere really fancy.

Perhaps suggest that, splitting the cost of the weekend if you'd both like to go, but getting him a different gift.

And you BOTH need to understand that how much you spend on each other doesn't show how much you love each other. That's a really, really important lesson to learn.

Although if my DP was getting sulky like this after I'd known him for just eight months (I mean, you can kind of understand wanting to do something really special if you've known each other years and years), I think I'd be leaving anyway .. but I guess that's just me.

He doesn't sound serious about you. If he was he would not say these things for fear of putting you off him. He's out for what he can get right now. Probably because he'll walk soon. I wouldn't ever try to match a mere boyfriend in terms of gifts. I wouldn't spend more than £30-£50 even with him spending £400 or whatever. My husband prob spent that on gifts for our first Christmas. He also took me away for a two night break. I got him a dressing gown and a book. Didn't stop him proposing two months later. Now we're married I spend a lot more but for a boyfriend no way. Tell him to jog on and get him a mug with 50 on or whatever age he is

in your situation I’d rather share bigger costs like a trip away, and be bought a nice box of chocs and some bubbly, or something the other person knows I like like a book, and have a nice dinner cooked for me on my birthday. Rather than angsting about whether enough has been spent (not that you did, but spending a lot in general can lead to that). It just makes the whole thing seem depressing and mercenary.

I was going to say something similar to Ladysea - if he had said, "Look - 2 nights is always more relaxing! I'll cover the cost of the second night, and we can have a real break.", I would think you would then have bought him a small surprise (really nice bottle of wine, expensive aftershave - whatever) too, or paid for something else to complete the weekend.

As it is, no matter what happens, neither of you are ever going to be able to forget this moment. If you are still together when you have a landmark birthday (why is the point of these? - you've survived to 40 or whatever - so what?), I'll bet he makes a point of getting you something comparatively priced just "on principle", even if you have been together 9 years by then.

I doubt that either of you will get out from under this cloud, ever.

Honestly, I don't think he's being grabby. But I do think you're incompatible. He thinks if you have the money, spending that much on a weekend away that you will both enjoy for a big birthday is fine. You don't. Also, he seems to feel that spending this money is a sign of how you feel about him, which is how some people think. Neither of you is wrong per se, but it does suggest a long term incompatibility that is unlikely to improve over time.

I love spending money but that does not seem value for money. You could buy a holiday home after about 20 trips. What do they have in this hotel? Also what designer items cost £400? Half a shoe? Some Gucci costume jewellery?

If you two had been together longer, I'd have said push the boat out and pay for the two nights. Seeing that you've only been together for 8 months, I think £600 for a birthday gift (regardless of how much you earn and how 'big' the birthday is) is more than enough. You might not even be together in a few more months! YANBU, he is being 'grabby'.

You have just encountered one of his values; it's good information to have. Now - is it compatible with yours?

I am on the fence with this one. I think him expecting this very expensive gift is quite grabby and that would annoy me, on the other hand, if i knew it was what he really wanted and could easily afford it i would book it without hesitation. So i think you are both being a little bit unreasonable.

No, I wouldn't like that at all, taking the money out of it, it's his demands and sulking is what's the most off putting especially this early on too. I'd be wary of him OP

Rather than accepting what I felt comfortable spending at this stage in our relationship, he argued against it and guilt tripped me by pointing out that he’d have spent far more if it were my big birthday. It feels manipulative.

This is all you need to know. Despite all the posts derailing the thread with irrelevancies, it's how you feel about his behaviour that is the important thing. If it doesn't sit right with you you have to do something about it.