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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

291 replies

WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:06

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterWsyi · 13/10/2020 10:01

Also what designer items cost £400? Half a shoe? Some Gucci costume jewellery?

If it really matters, it was a belt.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 13/10/2020 10:04

he sounds very immature which big birthday is it

do you see yourself long term with him is he always going to want to spend more on himself

my dsis is like this values everything by how much is spent on her yet wont spend it on anyone else

Whatup · 13/10/2020 10:09

I hope you enjoyed it! I would have spent it on single malts or eating out. Hence no need for a belt just a peleton.

Itsonlymakebelieve · 13/10/2020 10:16

Pretty sure from his petulant attitude that he only spent £400 on your birthday gift because he thought he would get a larger value gift in return, being a big birthday and all that. I really believe that if you weren’t a high earner he would never have just treated to something really nice just because he thought it would make you happy. Birthday gifts appear to be a purely financial transaction for him. Big birthdays surely only count in a long relationship where you have had a no of years, of smaller gifts, then really splash out on the big birthday.
I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the one/two nights away now, with him mentally totting up the costs all the time.
I hate meaness and would give my DH the last penny I had, but somebody shaming me for not spending enough on them No Way.
If it was me I’d be breaking up before Christmas gets any closer.

cherrybun01 · 13/10/2020 10:18

this thread is bizarre. you said in your first post that you both prefer going away over material gifts and that is what he wants to do.

half of the stay is for you so one night would equal 300 pounds spent on him. I'm only bringing that up because it seems to be a recurring theme that he "only" spent 400 on your birthday which wasnt a big birthday.

if you dont want to spend 600 pound on him (the half equivalent of your potential 2 night stay) that is absolutely fine but I think you both need to have a chat about realistic expectations. if money is already a bone of contention at this early stage then that is worrying. have either of you been used for money before?

AryaStarkWolf · 13/10/2020 10:18

If it was me I’d be breaking up before Christmas gets any closer.

Good point

Abouttimemum · 13/10/2020 10:18

I don’t care how much I earn, I wouldn’t be spending £1200 on DH for a two night hotel break. Fuck that. He’s being ridiculous.

WhatWouldJKRDo · 13/10/2020 10:26

God, I miss staying in nice hotels.
Effing pandemic.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 13/10/2020 10:28

I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone like that.

GeorginaTheGiant · 13/10/2020 10:37

His attitude would really put me off too. If he’d have said how much he was looking forward to the break and appreciative of you booking it and said ‘wouldn’t it be really great to stay two nights and make a full weekend of it but I’ll pay the second night’ then in the OP’s position my response would have been yes, let’s but of course I’m paying for both nights, it’s your birthday!

Because of course two nights is better for a hotel and it’s nice to treat someone you care about and enjoy spending time with, but only when it’s not expected or demanded like a tantruming toddler. I really wouldn’t have much time for a grown man with a stonking salary telling me that he expects me to spend more and more on his birthday like a spoilt petulant child. HUGE turn off.

senua · 13/10/2020 10:38

half of the stay is for you so ...
Why do people keep saying this? How is it a 'treat' to be guilt-tripped into spending way more than you normally think is a reasonable amount?
OP, in an ideal world he should have said "I don't care where we go, as long as it's with you". Using your money (when he could afford it himself, if he wanted to) to tick off his bucket list is not on.

Colourmylife1 · 13/10/2020 10:56

@Whatup
Off topic but where can you buy a holiday home for £24k? Genuinely curious.Smile

MacbookHo · 13/10/2020 10:57

He doesn’t sound very keen. He’s thinking with his head, not his heart. My brother is like this with his current GF. VERY careful with money. With his previous GF he didn’t care about the cost of anything because he just wanted her to think he was lovely.

Christmas is going to be magical, with the calculator beside you both as you unwrap.

How does he treat you otherwise? Is he actively interested, planing ahead with you, romantic, says ILY, hints about the future, wants to see you a lot? If not I think I’d move on. He’s just not sounding that bothered.

YouokHun · 13/10/2020 10:58

Here’s an old fashioned term for you @WinterWsyi - he is bad mannered. It’s not for the recipient to dictate the cost or choice of gift. The salaries you earn or the level of spending is not the most important thing, the issue is the lack of grace (another old fashioned term) and the value of your relationship apparently measured in cash terms.

What if your relationship becomes long term and your earnings don’t keep pace with his - where will you be then? What will his attitude be to you then? I know that sounds like a bit of a leap but I think this apparently small disagreement is a warning about his values.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/10/2020 11:03

I agree with you OP that it's the expectation, manipulation and ingratitude that's the problem here.

I do agree with him that two nights away is more than twice as good as one. So, if the point is to have a lovely weekend away together and money is not a constraint for him (he's told you that this is his attitude), then he could pay for the second night and enjoy his special weekend away with you.

What would he be doing for this big birthday if he wasn't with you? Probably something extravagant with a bunch of friends, which would require them all to pay their own way. I can't imagine he'd try guilt-tripping a group of men into paying for his weekend. They'd all pay for themselves, then buy him a few drinks or one dinner.

So why does being with you mean that he can drop all ideas of sharing, planning together and paying his own way? (And being grateful for whatever gift he's given).

I think you have to decide whether this is all because he thinks you're 'the one' and this big birthday is the first of many significant occasions together, so is setting the tone for your lives together. (In which case you might need a conversation about long-term attitudes to spending vs saving etc, though preferably after his birthday is happily concluded, maybe in the run up to Christmas). Or, are you just the GF he happens to be with on the occasion of his 30th? In which case he comes across as a bit of a user.

The issue here for me is, does he view you as 'generic GF' and have a rigid notion of what a GF should be and offer him? Does he like you because you seem to fit into a pre-defined box? Will he cease liking you if that changes and you show yourself to be a surprising individual?

Beware the future faker, beware the sentimental fool (who casts you as 'character of his dreams') and beware the selfish materialist.

lazylinguist · 13/10/2020 11:05

Different people have different ideas about what constitutes 'a lot of money', and about how much should be spent on presents, even when they are earning similar amounts. If you both just impose arbitrary limits of cheap and expensive in your own heads and the other person completely disagrees, and if you are both the kind of people who care a lot about this (which it sounds like you are), then this will just carry on creating an atmosphere of resentment, guilt and tension every time you buy gifts for each other. Either agree on a rough limit (for 'normal' birthdays and for 'special' ones) or both agree that it doesn't matter!

lottiegarbanzo · 13/10/2020 11:14

Oh and I would certainly be thinking about whether he values people in terms of their earnings. Does he think high earners are better than other people and deserve more, or does he recognise luck and contingency in life?

If, in future, you find yourself at home with small children, while he continues his climb the career ladder, will he still value, love and share with you? Or will he withhold funds, and time, for himself, because he deserves it, he earned it and as the earner of the family, he is inherently better and more deserving than you?

backspacekey · 13/10/2020 11:17

I don't understand why you are both discussing your salaries at such an early stage

It's entirely possible to know broadly what someone earns without discussing it, particularly if you're in the same industry.

Sleepingdogs12 · 13/10/2020 11:19

Your budget is up to you, it is crass of him to question this and persuade you to spend more. If he doesn't like the idea of going for one night (have you told us how far it is away , how much hassle to get to) then don't book and arrange another present. If you want to go too,pay to go between you and you buy another gift. It is sad for money to be an issue in a relationship when you both earn well,you and him.need to decide if you have a future together.

unmarkedbythat · 13/10/2020 11:24

Is the totting up and comparing because the sums involved are big? Because, on a much lower income and spending much, much less, I have literally never compared the cost of occasion presents for me and DH, at any stage of our relationship.

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2020 11:32

Honestly the cynic in me would suggest he bought your gift fully intending to ask for this hefty one in return.

Derbee · 13/10/2020 12:10

The high value of the money isn’t particularly relevant. The petulant sulking from him is unpleasant. The forensic discussion of exactly what he spent on your present is also pretty unpleasant.

No matter what you do now, the situation is soured. You either make a point of spending £400, so that it’s equal. You pay £1200 for the weekend away, but resent it. You pay one night, and still feel like you’ve spent more than he did on your present, and he resents having to pay for one night. There’s no great outcome really.

He’s always wanted to stay at this hotel, and can afford it, but has never actually got his wallet out and paid to stay there. That would concern me slightly. I can’t imagine paying £600/night to stay anywhere, especially after the sulky petulant way the trip would now have come about.

I think that you’re both a bit obsessed with money, and the monetary value of things rather than the idea/experience. It’s not about your income or whether you can afford things. I’d think it was equally unattractive if your boyfriend (not partner after 8 months) was haggling over you spending £20 on something. It’s all just a bit ugly, on both sides.

burnoutbabe · 13/10/2020 12:17

Half the trip isn't really for you, if you'd be just as happy in £200 hotel (so still a nice one) than a £600 one.

You aren't getting value out of your half if you don't really really want to go there. You are doing it for them.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/10/2020 12:20

What would he be doing for this big birthday if he wasn't with you? Probably something extravagant with a bunch of friends, which would require them all to pay their own way. I can't imagine he'd try guilt-tripping a group of men into paying for his weekend. They'd all pay for themselves, then buy him a few drinks or one dinner

Thisis a good point.

batteriesgoing · 13/10/2020 12:21

@MacbookHo

He doesn’t sound very keen. He’s thinking with his head, not his heart. My brother is like this with his current GF. VERY careful with money. With his previous GF he didn’t care about the cost of anything because he just wanted her to think he was lovely.

Christmas is going to be magical, with the calculator beside you both as you unwrap.

How does he treat you otherwise? Is he actively interested, planing ahead with you, romantic, says ILY, hints about the future, wants to see you a lot? If not I think I’d move on. He’s just not sounding that bothered.

I agree with this. Men in love just don't behave like this. He wouldn't be totting things up and looking for gifts and what you're bringing to the table if you were the dream woman, he'd just be happy to be with you.