Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

291 replies

WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:06

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

OP posts:
Scoobidoo · 13/10/2020 07:41

I suppose that, in purely financial terms, you’re spending half of the cost of the hotel on him. So only £300 if a one night stay.

That said, I would be uncomfortable with someone who tried to dictate how much I spent on their gifts.

user1493494961 · 13/10/2020 07:42

You both sound as grabby and money-focussed as each other.

BorderlineHappy · 13/10/2020 07:47

@LavaCake difference is the bag was solely for the ops use.
The hotel she gets to use and enjoy as well.

flaviaritt · 13/10/2020 07:48

“ If you don't want to spend " big" on a birthday present in a new relationship.Then maybe you shouldn't have accepted the £400 gift from him.”

It’s not like she’s trying to give him a £20 Amazon voucher, is it?

Wibblypiggly · 13/10/2020 07:48

People on here are unreal.

@hereyehearye don’t worry, I don’t think anyone will ever want to spend £1,200 on you Hmm

OP, any man who becomes petulant that you won’t fork out a shit ton of cash on them for their birthday, especially when you’ve been together a short time, would suddenly become very unattractive. That doesn’t mean it can’t be recovered from but I hear you, you are not being unreasonable.

Liverbird77 · 13/10/2020 07:49

I can't make my mind up on this.
As you say, it's a lot of money to spend in a new relationship. Also, I think he's rude to say he expects two nights.
On the other hand, expense is relative. It sounds like you can easily afford it. I just don't know.
Ultimately, I suppose it's up to you what you do with your money so in that sense yanbu.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 13/10/2020 07:51

Yanbu. Hth!

SoloMummy · 13/10/2020 07:51

[quote WinterWsyi]@PolPotNoodle I didn’t ask for said luxury gift. DH took note when I’d mentioned in a passing comment that I liked it and he bought it as a surprise gift on my birthday. Are you saying I should have turned it down? Hmm

The point is DP chose how much he felt comfortable to spend on me and did so by choice, without any pressure from me. This situation feels very different as there is an expectation of high expenditure which I’ve already expressed as being higher than what I feel comfortable in spending at this stage.[/quote]
I'm not sure that I agree at all with your assertion.

You quite obviously dropped significant hints about what you wanted. Let's face it, you opted for a £400 gift, you didn't mention a £20 pair of earrings!

The average income is less that £30k.so you earn 4 times plus. Given that, I don't think that spending £1200 is so unreasonable. Its equating to an equivalent spend of less than £300 for an average earner. And that's obviously dependent on how much over 100k you earn.

You planted the seeds of what you wanted and received it. No questions asked. Now a further 4 months on his request is too expensive.

Cheapskate comes to mind. And actually if this is such an issue, then maybe you should do the decent thing and end the relationship now, before his big birthday is tainted and he has a chance to make it enjoyable.

LavaCake · 13/10/2020 07:51

@BorderlineHappy right, but normal people don’t feel that a gift is devalued if someone else gets to enjoy it too, do they? Only a total cunt would say ‘you spent £1,200 on that present but you also enjoyed it so it’s only worth £600 to me now’.

Normal people would have their enjoyment enhanced by sharing a lovely experience with a person they care about. They wouldn’t feel short changed by the fact that a loved one was with them.

burnoutbabe · 13/10/2020 07:51

I'd want to know what value I'd get fir the second night? Does the £600 cover all food? I assume drinks would be extra even if it included a set meal?
Sone hotels wound be one night only things -ones attached to Mitchellin starred restaurants for example.
I can also afford this sort of gift but we tend to go away and go for more days at half the cost (so £200 for worlds best b&b in Torquay or £250 for prison hotel in Oxford). 1 night at £600 seems a ton unless it includes a fancy included meal-and then you'd not want to stay 2 nights anyway!

LunaLula83 · 13/10/2020 07:52

I'd gift him something costing £400. Leave the price tag on and then walk away.

Besom · 13/10/2020 07:52

It's a power struggle. Both can afford the second night but OP, quite rightly imo, thinks that it is too much of a grand gesture this early in the relationship. OP doesn't want to feel she is getting taken for a mug which would be an uncomfortable feeling this early on.. DP on the other hand is sulking because he wants the grand gesture and thinks he is entitled to it. Otherwise he would just have offered to go halves. How things pan out now is important- I hope you can both talk this through and come to some sort of resolution.

LavaCake · 13/10/2020 07:53

You quite obviously dropped significant hints about what you wanted

Yes, that’s what ‘mentioned in passing’ means Hmm

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 13/10/2020 07:53

We used to earn similar to you. This issue would never have come about. None of us tracked what we spent on each other’s presents, whether a quiet meal out or expensive football/ballet tickets. We’ve had madly expensive birthdays and extremely modest ‘decade’ birthdays.

peachypetite · 13/10/2020 07:53

He’s showing a manipulative side very early on. Up to you if you want to listen to it or not.

Snakeplisskensmum · 13/10/2020 07:54

@Pet8

What's the big birthday? His 18th?
Exactly what I was thinking Grin
Goingtogetflamed · 13/10/2020 07:54

OP you’re getting an unfair time here and unfortunately it’s because you earn what you earn. If you’d scaled down the figures you’d be getting very different answers. Unfortunately jealousy clouds the thinking of some posters.
Anyway, your DP seems to be a little rude and entitled in my eyes. It’s only been 8 months and it’s entirely up to you how much you spend on his birthday be it a milestone one or not. I would be re-thinking the relationship a little and watching for similar signs in the future.
For the birthday, I expect a visit to that hotel would be tinged with negative emotions now so would probably go for a tangible gift for an amount I felt comfortable with.

burnoutbabe · 13/10/2020 08:03

Checking hotels it's probably something like the shard hotel? Which looks nice but I'd be more comfortable staying elsewhere for more nights and visiting the shard for lunch /dinner (I did breakfast once) or the viewing platform.

But I don't get off on hyper expensive hotels as I feel out of place. I'd prefer more mid range for longer.

NataliaOsipova · 13/10/2020 08:05

This is a huge red flag and the OP knows it. I dated a man like this back in the day. He worked in the City and earned a lot of money for a young, single man...but obviously nowhere near as much as the older guys who’d made it big. And he was obsessed: with himself, what people thought of him and how much money he had/people thought he had. Everything had to be “the best” (he’d have claimed he “just liked nice things” too, OP!). And, my God, it was soul destroying. I often wonder what a horror show it would have been to have kids with him and if he’d have continued to have that obsession with money and image.

It’s a confidence (or lack of confidence) issue at the heart of it - people require the affirmation/admiration of others and consume conspicuously to get that. Let me guess - the “nice things” to which you refer all come with an obvious designer label? That someone else in your circle would obviously recognise/have heard of?

Huge red flag, OP. How will this man feel if you don’t want to maximise your earning capacity in the future? Does he see you as a life partner or a good bet for a joint account? Worth doing some serious thinking before you go a lot further with this relationship.

Clymene · 13/10/2020 08:08

It's really rude to complain you're not having enough spent on you for your birthday which is essentially what he's doing.

Clarinsmum · 13/10/2020 08:09

I’d walk away to be honest. My DH and I used to earn loads and we never compared or discussed the value of gifts. His ex before me earned even more than him and was quite tight and mentioned money a lot. She dumped him but he said that side of her was unattractive but he looked past it because he loved her. If you really like him spend the money, if not find someone else. If this annoys you now, imagine buying a house with him or talking about maternity leave and who pays for nursery.

Pumpertrumper · 13/10/2020 08:13

@WinterWsyi

Your circumstances are not well suited to this site OP. You’ll get a lot of opinions from those who only understand your position theoretically.

A lot of MN are not high earners. A fair few are but usually have DC in the mix or other financial commitments. High earning, financially independent adults, in relationships of less than a year. Few and far between from what I’ve seen.

I think when you’re earning £5k+ per month and have no other pressing financial commitments then it’s not unreasonable to spend £1k on a birthday if you really like the person. Not to mention you get to go too. So it’s not like a material item you don’t get to partake in.

BobsyerUncleFannysyerAunt · 13/10/2020 08:15

I think I'd look to do something else instead. They whole thing has been spoilt before it's even started

Chantelli · 13/10/2020 08:22

I think its making you uncomfortable. So I'd listen to that. Don't be bamboozled by someone else's birthday issues!

SuzieCarmichael · 13/10/2020 08:23

Yanbu. It’s not about the money, it’s about his reaction.

If you want to give him another chance I’d suggest you split the cost of the weekend and you’ll buy him a different gift (for around £400). But tbh I would be wary of doing that because this is an ingrained attitude that won’t go away. I don’t think it makes good partner material. He’s grabby.