In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

[WinterWsyi]

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

Thank you everyone for the comments. I appreciate that to some of you, a one night stay may feel a bit less of a break away, but my issue is the way that DP reacted. Rather than accepting what I felt comfortable spending at this stage in our relationship, he argued against it and guilt tripped me by pointing out that he’d have spent far more if it were my big birthday. It feels manipulative.

YABU and are being tight.

You can comfortably afford it.
It’s a big birthday.
It isn’t a lot of money for people in that salary bracket.
It includes food and drink.
You are enjoying half of it yourself so the gift part is kind of less.
You’ve likely saved loads over the last 6 months.

Why don’t you just throw caution to the wind, go for it and enjoy the luxury as the big celebration it is.

I think at 8 months its alot of money. I f you were further on in your relationship/married etc then maybe you would feel more comfortable splashing out on 2 nights for him. He may well feel more comfortable spending much more on you but that doesn't mean you need to, even if you earn the same! Is he a bit spoilt in everyday life anyway?

Actually the whole thing makes me feel a bit sick.

Jobs being lost left right and centre, new furlough pats 67% of wages. People in poverty and you’re arguing about this.😕

Take the amounts out of it op, I haven't read all the thread but you are financially incompatible and already entering into snarky and unhappiness territory. 8 months in you should still be on a cloud of lust, live and mutual engagement if the relationship is a runner. It matters not whether the birthday spends are 40/120 or 400/1200.
Fast forward five years to two toddlers, a reduced income and higher outgoings and this is a recipe for disaster if there is no underlying contentment.

Take the amounts out of it op, I haven't read all the thread but you are financially incompatible and already entering into snarky and unhappiness territory. 8 months in you should still be on a cloud of lust, live and mutual engagement if the relationship is a runner. It matters not whether the birthday spends are 40/120 or 400/1200.
Fast forward five years to two toddlers, a reduced income and higher outgoings and this is a recipe for disaster if there is no underlying contentment

this

Nah - it’s such an unattractive trait isn’t it. I used to date a trader years ago, I was only 21, he was a few years older but very good at what he did - he earned about half a million a year without bonus. Everything we did had to be the ‘best’ - the most expensive, it was tedious. I was a normal earner bit he always expected things in return, came to a head one day abs I left and never looked back. Yuck.

I think it is difficult because you have already specified in your opener that travel would be your preferred gift as well so I guess how this is handled will set the precedent for your birthday next year and future years together. If you see this relationship as potentially long term I personally would suck the cost up especially if it were somewhere I would also like to go And just enjoy the weekend away as it is a gift which also benefits you. Otherwise maybe stick to material gifts and agree together future budget and travel ideas And split this cost down the middle otherwise every birthday will come with a price tag and potential disagreement

I dont know OP.

I would have probably put the amounts a lot lower on your thread and seen what the answers were when amounts were say 60 quid and 120 quid, as it seems the principle rather than the actual money that's the issue.

To be honest I dont think he is being that unreasonable in being disappointed though he may be unreasonable in telling you and he is probably being unreasonable in asking for more.

He spent 400 on you only 4 months into the relationship, on something thoughtful that youd previously said you liked, that was just for you. He didnt get any benefit from it.

He wanted two nights away. You benefit from half of it. So you're basically paying for his half of the trip away since you often go 50 50. It's 600 extra for you over your share to go 2 nights. You've been together double the amount of time and it is a big birthday and you also benefit from it, so in this context I think you are being a bit tight. So I think he is probably being honest about what he would have spent on you if it was reversed. And in this context I dont think he is unreasonable to be disappointed actually.

How often do we see threads on here where women are disappointed on their birthday gifts as it's less than what they spend on their husband? There was one the other day and the responses were things like 'tell him he owes you x', 'he's not a mind reader, tell him how you feel' etc.

So telling you how he feels is not in itself a bad thing. Explaining why is not a bad thing. Putting pressure on you to do something that you've already said you don't want to do though, is a bad thing. I'm not sure how much he was doing this though and how much you were just put off him talking about money.

I think things like this can happen early on in relationships, people have different expectations on things like how things will be celebrated and how much money. I'd recommend setting a budget for christmas.

Ugh, horse trading over his birthday present.

He is treating you like a supplier and bargaining up his deal, rather that treating you like his girlfriend.

There is no good exit from the hotel idea now: 2 nights and you will feel you were pressured and lost the negotiation, 1 and he will be ungrateful and think he didn’t get a good enough ‘deal’ for his birthday.

So IMO the weekend is a write off.

Which leaves you the choice of picking him another present, in which case will he still be totting up the cost and protesting anything under £1k? Very probably.

Next option, dumping him because no one wants to be treated like a supplier. Is he worth it in other ways? Is it worth a try?

In which case, 3rd option: a really open heart to heart about the quality of generosity (As in the thought that counts, in terms of care, as well as material generosity) , how gifts and presents are dealt with in your respective families, what value you place in money...and how you recognise value in others. How much would you expect to spend to have a lovely weekend with someone you enjoy spending time with? Would you love the weekend away too? You need to be able to tell him about how the horse trading felt... are you supposed to demonstrate the worth you bring, like a dowry?..... and to hear why he expects or demands that his worth be counted out in credit card slips and feels down valued otherwise. Does he have to pass milestones before you feel he is worth the full weekend? Given that financially you can actually afford it.

Whatever happens next your relationship is not unchanged. This won’t go away.

The biggest issue is you agreed to pay for the hotel. It doesn't so much matter about the cost, but you said to him you'd pay for it and then have turned around afterwards and said actually na you're alright it's too expensive.
Learning curve, don't offer until you know you'd be comfortable paying the price.

@LavaCake No but you cant hint at a £400 bag,get it and then when its your turn.Say its too expensive.

The decent thing to do in my eyes is,say no to the bag at the time.Put some bounderies in and have a chat about expectations.

[quote WinterWsyi]@cabotstove meals and weekends away etc are usually either halved for big expenditures or he’ll pay for one weekend and then I’ll fund the next. It’s pretty even.[/quote]
How much "usually" can there be in an eight month relationship, the majority of which has been in either total or some type of lockdown?

What's he like with money in the rest of the relationship? Is he generally generous? Is this a pattern or a one-off? Do your spending patterns match or does he usually spend more than you? Could just be a basic incompatibility.

£1200 on someone you've been with 8 months?! Fuck that. How ridiculous. It doesn't matter how much you earn.

I think 400 is a fair amount to spend tbh, if he'd done a meal, a nice cake, some standard presents it would probably have come to about 400 so I hardly think he's gone all out.

Jesus Christ, some of the replies on here ( @SoloMummy I’m looking at you ) just show that there’s nothing Mumsnet hates more than a successful woman.

I don’t earn that much but I don’t despise and write cuntish comments to a woman that does.

If a bloke came on here and said “my GF of eight months got me this £400 watch I’d admired, and she’s now sulking because I won’t spend £1,200+ on her big birthday”, she’d all be ripped to shreds. No one would tell him he should donate his money to the needy or accuse him of squealing with delight over his watch or accuse him of dropping massive hints about the gift.

Where the fuck is the sisterhood?

I don't think it's grabby. It's not that he can't afford it and you can. You earn equally.

£1200 is for both of you. £600 on his "present". It's a special birthday and it's an experience/treat for both of you. It's not like he's asking you to spunk £1200 on something that you'll get no enjoyment out of.

Personally I think it's a shame that you didn't just go for it.
And that he brought it up. Spoilt it a bit.

Maybe just split the cost of a two night stay at the hotel with him and get him a separate birthday gift - in the £500-600 range. Is there anything you know he'd like that would be flash enough? Is he likely to sulk if he doesn't get treated like a king for his big special birthday?

Yeah, I think his reaction was shit.

I agree a 2-night stay is nicer - but you offered another night at a different hotel, so it’s not that exactly.

If he’d said “Oh it seems a shame not to make the most of it - shall we stay for 2 nights? I’ll help pay the extra” then you’d be having a different discussion.

In this scenario I’d be tempted to say let’s stay 2 nights and split the cost 50-50, and I’ll buy you a different present.

It's a shame that this has been clouded by people's attitudes to someone who has a large amount of disposable income. I agree with the poster above, if you'd knocked a 0 off the sums spent you'd have had very different responses. People think it's grabby to accept a £400 gift, they assume you hinted and he'd have spent less if you hadn't, they think you jumped for joy on receiving it because it was so expensive. I have a close friend who is a billionaire. We got this stuff into proportion a long time ago. £40 to me is more like £400 to her, it's a matter of scale and it is what it is.
So let's pretend your bag cost £40, and you're planning a nice gift for £60, and he's grizzling that you hadn't planned to spend £120. Surely anyone here could agree that's not very attractive? Even if you are also benefiting by going on the trip - forget the numbers - you've decided on a nice present for him and he's throwing it back in your face. It would make me look at him in a different light for sure.

I guess he could have approached it in this way - Wow, thank you Winter, that's fantastic, what a lovely idea for my birthday, I've been wanting to go there for ages. Here's an idea - shall we stay for another night? I can ring them up and pay for it...

In this scenario I’d be tempted to say let’s stay 2 nights and split the cost 50-50, and I’ll buy you a different present.

Of course, doing this means you end up spending practically the same as paying outright for the 2-night stay anyway, it’s just dressed up differently.

So it’s his reaction not the money you need to address.

Nah, I think you are tight tbh.

I cringe at the fact you pointed out how much your birthday present cost! How frigging rude! Who is counting who spent what? You are taking the fun out of it. You might as well just both buy what you would like and split. You can find someone similar to you to date.

What happens if you have a kid with this man and you go on mat leave and he is the only one bringing in a wage ? Will you still be counting pennies ? 8 months isn’t a short time.

I agree with posters suggesting you propose “let’s go halves on a 2 night break to celebrate your birthday and I’ll get you a totally separate present”.

I would try to get him a thoughtful present or experience for up to a couple of hundred and if he turns his nose up he probably isn’t a very nice person (you will be spending £600+ to celebrate with him paying for your share of the hotel plus spends.)

OMG, I really cannot stand people who think that what they get as a present and how much was spent, is a reflection on how much they are loved and respected by the other person.

I have extended family on both sides like this. I have adults who have a lot of money and are aged between 40 and 85 who expect expensive presents every Christmas and birthday. Just like every other Christmas I've had over the past 27 years with my DH, I'll end up spending a grand on extended family and end up with nothing myself or for my DH as we have spent too much money. My DH is a high earner, but we still have better things to spend our money on. We have young DC, a mortgage and loads of expenses.

OP, nip this expensive present buying in the bud now because you can't go back after the precedent is set and you are creating a rod for your own back when you are older and have DC. That's what I did and it is a work in pogress to get out of this rut.

If it is only 8 month most of that must have been in lockdown and so you will hardly be partners, unless you moved in together very quickly.