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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

374 replies

Boredbumhead · 12/10/2020 17:23

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

OP posts:
Byebye1to1 · 13/10/2020 21:12

Interesting to see such different perspectives. Everyone’s view is different. My own is that many men around our middle class village spend much longer than their wives doing their own thing. Cycling, marathon training, festivals etc. Women on the other hand, around here often arrange girls nights out (or more often ‘in’) whereas the men do this almost never. Personally my wife plays netball once a week and I run sometimes close to home and play snooker for an hour every fortnight. Too busy to do anything else.

BackforGood · 13/10/2020 21:30

Based on what empirical evidence.
and
or basically a sweeping statement with no basis in reality

How ironic OP, that you can post these things today, after all what you wrote in your OP yesterday

Grin Grin Grin

jwpetal · 13/10/2020 21:31

Take time for yourself. Put in the diary, once a week for a couple hours, for you to do something. If you choose to clean the house, do not complain that your husband goes out. Do something and it can be free. Going for walks, redecorating a special spot in the house (buying when you have the money), trying a new sport, beauty treatments, hot bath with candles and music. (kids out of the house). There are possibilities. Women have to learn to love themselves and care for their needs and set boundaries with the other halves. Children (boys and girls) that people need down time and hobbies and friends. if this cannot be shared with a partner, then there are other issues to consider.

cologne4711 · 13/10/2020 21:34

For me all of male entitlement and privilege is wrapped up in that one image of a man riding free down an open country road on an expensive bike while the wife stays at home doing chores

I think there's more than a grain of truth in this. My local cycling club does four hour rides on Sundays in normal times. Not many mums will be out for that length of time - plenty of dads think it's fine. I am happy with a one-two hour ride but you'll struggle to find a cycling club that will do anything that short, unless you have local Breeze rides for ladies only. Hence why far more men cycle than women.

jdoejnr1 · 13/10/2020 22:03

MN makes me realise that the battle of the sexes continues as fearce ever as ever. On another thread the consensus is if men want equal parenting right and entitlements they should pull their fingers out and fight for it. Its not a womans role to do it for them. Yet on this thread when women should take their own advice it is decided its the mens fault again.

Parker231 · 13/10/2020 22:20

Mn is not real life. Neither DH and I or our group of friends have any difficulties in organising our individual hobby time. It just takes a good calendar system and give and take. Normal every day life.

MsTSwift · 13/10/2020 22:42

Absolutely. And no drama or martyr behaviour or huffing either if you have two reasonable adults on an equal footing.

Slightly sad at the resentment - I want dh to be happy and pleased he has his hobby Really helps his mental health. He is supportive of what I do too

africanantelope · 13/10/2020 22:54

You must know lots of selfish men. If this was the case in my relationship or if I saw it happening to close friends/family my strategy/advice would be to let him know it’s not on and if things don’t change to move on with my own life.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 13/10/2020 23:38

My BIL took up his cycling “hobby” .... we watched as he spent more and more time away from his wife and 4 kids........ divorce followed.

BackforGood · 13/10/2020 23:59

Exactly @Parker231 and @MsTSwift

Tiredandsick2 · 14/10/2020 01:49

My ex had a hobby taking up new hobbies! One of my favourites was taking up learning to fly small aircraft twice a week costing £150 a lesson! I think he thought my hobby was looking after the small baby and trying to find money to feed us both!

Hangingover · 14/10/2020 02:26

Ex had no hobbies or interests and it drove me absolutely nuts - never did anything and was really dismissive and pointedly uninterested in anything I did. After years of suggesting we try x or go to this or that together and being flatly turned down I eventually left him and the fucker immediately took up salsa dancing (and learned to cook) presumably because he realised he wouldn't meet women or get fed otherwise. I literally hate him.

kattyboomboom · 14/10/2020 02:54

Tbh, lifting weights is sacrosanct to me and I'd not give it up for anything. I'd probably sacrifice my career and do a shit job before I'd stop training if I'm honest.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 14/10/2020 04:05

Took Dd for her 4 year old vax booster that she needs to be able to go to preschool next year.
Was expecting a big deal but she literally did not care at all. Not even an ouch or a sniffle.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 14/10/2020 04:08

Ahh wrong thread

kattyboomboom · 14/10/2020 04:10

Took Dd for her 4 year old vax booster that she needs to be able to go to preschool next year.
Was expecting a big deal but she literally did not care at all. Not even an ouch or a sniffle.

Sounds like a rather odd hobby! 🤭

kattyboomboom · 14/10/2020 04:12

To be fair, I think the flipside is that some women don't have many interests and instead become a bit clingy/demanding of attention, which would do my head in with a partner.

WinWinnieTheWay · 14/10/2020 04:46

@dontdisturbmenow are you a woman? Just out of interest.

I don't know any women who take an entire day out every week to go to the spa etc as you outlined.

LolaSmiles · 14/10/2020 06:52

jdoejnr1
I'd be willing to bet that most of the people complaining about their DH having hobbies don't have hobbies of their own and have no interest in actually developing any.

Parker231
You're right. The couples where both people have hobbies/interests seem to manage to find time for both people to do their own thing.
I'd hate to be in a relationship with a hobby-less man who wanted me to sit around the house with him.

MsTSwift · 14/10/2020 07:18

Well if you see my dh out on his bike don’t feel sorry for me! He works bloody hard does loads in the house and I will have been out on my bike with my friends the day before!

notacooldad · 14/10/2020 09:23

For me all of male entitlement and privilege is wrapped up in that one image of a man riding free down an open country road on an expensive bike while the wife stays at home doing chores
This is a strange statement to me. How do you know blokes circumstances?
Most cyclist I know are either on the younger side and have no children to care for or older and the children are adults and they have more disposable income or older and divorced so they can lease themselves what they do.

In my walking group there are quite a few couples . Sunday is their walking day either with the group or other couples and Saturday some blokes cycle and their partners meet up and go walking in the Lake District or Derbyshire. No entitlement from anyone, no one being left behind picking up the chores.

lazylinguist · 14/10/2020 12:08

I do most of the chores, because I work very part time atm (but am looking for a more full-time job) and dh works long hours in a stressful job. I have by far the easier life and plenty of time to do hobbies. He very much deserves his leisure time, doesn't have a lazy bone in his body, does plenty around the house and would encourage me to pursue any hobby I wanted. I don't begrudge a single minute of his hobby time.

DynamoKev · 14/10/2020 12:11

@Hangingover

Ex had no hobbies or interests and it drove me absolutely nuts - never did anything and was really dismissive and pointedly uninterested in anything I did. After years of suggesting we try x or go to this or that together and being flatly turned down I eventually left him and the fucker immediately took up salsa dancing (and learned to cook) presumably because he realised he wouldn't meet women or get fed otherwise. I literally hate him.
Sorry I know I shouldn't, but that did make me laugh.
Noitjustwontdo · 14/10/2020 12:14

I always think this when I see the droves of middle aged men cycling around our area at the weekend. You just know they’re doing it to avoid their wives and children and I’m sure their wives hate them.

formerbabe · 14/10/2020 12:20

@Noitjustwontdo

I always think this when I see the droves of middle aged men cycling around our area at the weekend. You just know they’re doing it to avoid their wives and children and I’m sure their wives hate them.
Cycling as a hobby is such a middle class, middle aged man cliche.

I'm not sure having it as a hobby makes you especially interesting or exciting as a person.