To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

@IncandescentSilver

"fornerbabe* I think youre projecting here.

Anyway, I'm not interested in sitting on my backside on the Internet all day - I'm off cycling. No men involved.

You should try it!

Not projecting at all thanks..luckily I don't have a dh who has a hobby that involves cycling or competitive running...phew.

Your bitchy comment about me speaks volumes and also re-enforces my previous comment that active hobbies are seen as superior to anything creative or cerebral.

DH doesn’t have hobbies. In fact he thinks people with hobbies and interests are weird. Instead he works long hours to keep the business going.
i suspect the business is his "hobby" not that there is anything wrong with that. My DH was a bit of a workaholic, but moved industries and stopped having to work all hours and then rediscovered photography and now spends most weekends doing it. DC are now grown up

Doesn’t matter what your thing is the behaviour that’s rather sad to me is resenting the other ones hobbies whilst martyring yourself “for the kids” which ironically does more harm than good anyway as you are not showing them that mum and her stuff matters too.

This thread is fascinating. The bulk of posters are supporting the agenda that women should have or find interests of their own. Conversely, the voting is currently 80/20 in support of OP. Is this because the 80% are currently into their sole hobby of "mummy's wine o'clock + Supernatural Box Set" and don't want to admit as much?

fornerbabe I have no idea about this heirwchy of "superior hobbies" that you seem to have made up. Personally, I'm competitive and I do an academic job, so I have hobbies which allow me to race and be outdoors as a relaxation.

I have a brother who is a keen and rather good chess player, and that is something I admire immensely. I read wildly, outwith my academic reading, for enjoyment, and have what you would probably describe as a "cerebral" hobby in Old Norse and its similarity and development into the modern Scandinavian languages and Icelandic. While I wouldn't expect any partner to share my interest in reading the sagas and watching Jackson Crawford on Patreon, equally I wouldn't expect to be bitterly criticised and torn to shreds for doing so. But I could not have a partner who didn't have some interest in the outdoors and in exercise. We would be incompatible.

I simply don't recognise what you are saying. At no point was I "bitchy" - I simply wish to point out that many women have hobbies too and that it's not a male preserve.

All these divisions, barriers and criticism when it's good for the body and mind to have a hobby and to keep reasonably fit baffle me. Triathlon at age group level has to be one of the most family friendly sports around, with kid's races and plenty of extended families even just spectating who will look after children.

Cycle completed, I'm off for a run now. Yes, it is my day off, before I get pulled up on that!

and also re-enforces my previous comment that active hobbies are seen as superior to anything creative or cerebral

So true. There is nothing morally superior about a sporty hobby. I get plenty of exercise, because I have a large, energetic dog to walk. I wouldn't describe it as a hobby. Knitting, crochet and learning languages are my hobbies, and they are good for me in many ways. I used to run, but it started being bad for me rather than good for me (constant injuries).

My husband has a certain lifestyle that takes a priority over almost everything. I knew this was a deal when I met him, and it actually was part of the attraction because I got to participate too. But years after it does become irritating. I try not to count money spent because all the nice things we could have had instead as a family.

Doesn’t matter what your thing is the behaviour that’s rather sad to me is resenting the other ones hobbies whilst martyring yourself “for the kids” which ironically does more harm than good anyway as you are not showing them that mum and her stuff matters too
100%

It doesn't matter if the hobby or interest is a sport, yoga class, a choir, AmDram, book group, volunteering, crafts or anything else. What matters is that children see that it's entirely normal for men and women to have interests/hobbies and they don't stop having interests/hobbies once children come along.

I'd be willing to bet most of 80% supporting the OP probably have no interests or any desire to have a hobby, they just enjoy having a good old moan about the fact their partner does.

On loads of threads about husband hobbies I've said to posters that it's not husband having the hobby that's the problem, it's that both people in the relationship haven't got time to pursue their own interests/hobbies so instead of saying 'DH shouldn't do his hobby because I don't', why not insist on having the same amount of time each available for 'me time' to use as they see fit? Pretty reasonable, but apparently not because it's almost always met with claims that they couldn't possibly manage to do a hobby/they're not interested in doing anything/why can't DH want to spend the evening watching TV with them / life would collapse if they had an evening to themselves. Some people just love to moan. It's better in their eyes for nobody in the house to have hobbies and to waste life away pottering and watching telly than it is for them to agree to equal 'me time' because then they'd have to actually do something.

I wish you would stop using the term martyr @MsTSwift. It is such a nasty, pejorative term.

I think what people are. Missing here is that time and money are finite resources. Only one person can be out at a time if you have children that need to be supervised. Only so much disposable income is there for a new bike or boat or paddle board or other piece of equipment.

A previous poster mentioned her ex used to dissappear half an hr before she was due to go to choir. I've had that sort of experience many times.

I think what people are. Missing here is that time and money are finite resources. Only one person can be out at a time if you have children that need to be supervised. Only so much disposable income is there for a new bike or boat or paddle board or other piece of equipment
No point being missed at all.

Do you think those of us where mum and dad both have hobbies have infinitely more time and money than all other households? Of course we don't.

There's a finite amount of time. Out of that time DH and I both have time to ourselves away from DC because it's important to us to have some me time, maintain our interests and have a break.

This is what rattles me a bit. Any suggestion that BOTH parents should be entitled to free time and time to do their own interests is almost alway met by moaning about why that's totally unreasonable and absolutely impossible. It's that sort of response that fuels the martyr accusations because rather than accept that it is possible to structure a household where both parents get time what actually happens is:

yeah but the house would fall apart if I had an evening a week to myself... I couldn't possibly have an hour to myself because DH wouldn't be capable of watching their own children... Those of you saying we should both have time miss the point there's only so much time available (implication being that therefore there's no way for poor mum to have some of that time as it's inevitable that mum stays home)... Don't you know there's only so much money available (with the implication that it's wildly unreasonable to think both parents should get to spend money on themselves, so mum doesn't have anything and then gives it 'woe is me I never get anything')

Some men are totally feckless man-children who need to grow up, step and do their fair share of housework and parenting. Few would deny this. But I find the 'woe is me, I couldn't possibly have an equal share of free time' mentality to be quite silly.

If parents can't show their children that both parents are entitled to hobbies, down time, and should do a fair share of the housework/childcare, is it any wonder that some kids grow up into adults who think that mum potter's around at home whilst dad goes out.

Do you think those of us where mum and dad both have hobbies have infinitely more time and money than all other households

Yes of course they could have more money...hobbies often require expensive equipment and travel. As for time, we all have 24 hours in a day but if you're well off, you can outsource the more boring tasks thus freeing up your time.

To be honest I wish DH would have a hobby for his mental wellbeing.
He spent years being wrapped up with the kids which was good but even back then I thought he needed an outlet.
The kids are adults now and DH works a lot and is self employed. However everything he does in his spare time is with me and things that I want to do such hiking in Scotland, films I want to see. I ask him what he wants and he says he is happy which I believe to be true but I worry what will happen if I'm the one not be around.

Anyway, I'm not interested in sitting on my backside on the Internet all day - I'm off cycling. No men involved

You should try it!

This was your nasty comment @IncandescentSilver. I'm surprised you don't think it's bitchy. It's also full of privilege, which is a key characteristic of my cyclists I've ever met....bikes cost money, I don't have a bike and can't afford one. Ah well, I'll just carry on sitting on backside.

I can't think of anything worse than a husband without a hobby.

*many cyclists not my

Yes of course they could have more money...hobbies often require expensive equipment and travel. As for time, we all have 24 hours in a day but if you're well off, you can outsource the more boring tasks thus freeing up your time

The OP was saying people had missed the point that money and time are finite.

They are finite. She's right.

But whatever time and money people have should be divided fairly between BOTH people.

Arranging your household so both parents get down time isn't a question of money. It's a question of priorities and whether the people in the relationship value both people having down time.

If there's only 4 hours free for 'me time' a week then that's 2 hours per parent and they money for that comes from within the household's means. Not one person has 4 hours and the other sits back like a doormat and says 'ah well, poor me... There's only so many hours in a day... I guess I'll potter at home and complain about DP going out'.

@IncandescentSilver

I always felt sorry for those men in my running and triathlon clubs who had wives or partners who didnt share their interests

You don't need to or have to share interests be a couple

It would be terribly boring if you just did all the same things.

My DH loves football... I don't love it, but don't hate it and I wouldn't sit down to watch a match on TV or go to watch a match live.

He likes skiing/snowboarding...I don't.

He plays golf...I don't.

He goes to the cinema 2/3 times a week (pre-covid)... I go maybe 4 times a year.

We do share interests, like musical theatre, travelling and spas.

I'm also often out visiting my family.

The thing in life is that many people will take the piss is you let them. If one didn't accept always being left with the kids, these men would find themselves single and paying CS. What they want is the status of having a family and spending an unequal amount of time on their interests.

I can't think of anything worse than a husband without a hobby

Ditto, but in my case my wife. She is sporty and active and gets a bit twitchy if she is indoors all day, same as me really.

I really could not have settled down with someone who did not have some kind of passion or interest in something. Its important for the mind and body.

Half the people I know who complain about their partners spending a Saturday morning out of the house doing some sport or whatever would still be doing fuck all at home if their partner was by their side. They just seem to resent the fact their partner has a pastime.

What is sad is that the issue is often not about the wife not being genuinely able to also take party in their own hobby, but the resentment that their husband can find deep happiness in an activity that doesn't involve them.

Half the people I know who complain about their partners spending a Saturday morning out of the house doing some sport or whatever would still be doing fuck all at home if their partner was by their side. They just seem to resent the fact their partner has a pastime

Based on what empirical evidence.

I think in some unhealthy relationships there is a subtle undermining of the woman's interests.

I like animals, I had an allotment, I like zumba. I go to a spiritual group when I can. All of these have been poo poohed and subtly undermined over time

"formerbabe" what on earth is "bitchy" about encouraging someone to go out cycling??

It's relaxing, fun and good for your health. Yes, it's not for everyone, but why not just say its not your cup of tea rather than accusing someobe of being "bitchy?"

@IncandescentSilver

"formerbabe" what on earth is "bitchy" about encouraging someone to go out cycling??

It's relaxing, fun and good for your health. Yes, it's not for everyone, but why not just say its not your cup of tea rather than accusing someobe of being "bitchy?"

I never asked for advice on whether I should take up cycling...I'm pretty happy 'sitting on my backside' as you put it.

Based on what empirical evidence.

FFs, it's an anecdote posted on mumsnet not a sodding submission to The Lancet.

FFs, it's an anecdote posted on mumsnet not a sodding submission to The Lancet.

@DillonPanthersTexas or basically a sweeping statement with no basis in reality...

Interesting discussion. Its not just mums vs dads though, its also mums vs kids. I think its good for my dc to have activities outside of school, DP doesn't. We are pretty restrained, just Cubs/Scouts during the week and one activity each on a Saturday, But I have to do the taking there and back on a Saturday. If DP is in the middle of a DIY project (his hobby) he can't possibly take 20 mins to walk around the corner. So I have to fit my run or solo cycle ride around that. The group ones tend to be at times that clash with the kids activities.