To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

My DH plays football on a Tuesday (7-10ish including pub) and has done for 3 years. My netball was always on a Thursday but due to new covid rules, my team now play outside on a Tuesday. I've had 2.5 years off playing netball due to having our children so I told him that I'll be playing netball for an hour on a Tuesday and he will just have to work around it 😂! So sometimes he will play football and then come home, other times he won't play football but will go to the pub once I get home! I also do PT twice a week. Just decide what hobby you'd like to do and tell your DH that you're leaving between these times 🤷🏼‍♀️

We both used to do lots of cycling, also archery and running. Since DS was born I changed to at home hobbies, I am learning guitar using apps/youtube, I do home workout programmes. My dp no longer has hobbies unless watching TV counts, he says he doesn't have time but he watches atleast 2 hrs TV per night so he does have time, he could lift weights whilst watching it if he wants to exercise and watch TV. He chooses not to. He also spends plenty of time on the internet. I'm glad he isn't a man who is out every night but I do wish he would atleast go for a short run like he used to for his own physical and mental well being. We both work shifts so team hobbies and hobbies that involve doing something every weekend were never possible for either of us. DS is 3 and getting quite confident on his balance bike so I see cycling as something we will all do again in the near future though in a slightly different way for a few years. There should be a way for both to do a hobby/time for themselves, everyone needs to make some changes to their life if they have children.

I really could not have settled down with someone who did not have some kind of passion or interest in something. Its important for the mind and body
Same here.
I'd also find it suffocating and annoying if I found myself stuck in a relationship with a hobby-less or interest-less person stuck on moaning mode because I dare to have part of my life outside the house.

Because DH and I both hobby people, we both value downtime and consider it an important thing for us to have. I'd hate having to justify going for a run or being called selfish by my husband for not wanting to spend my life pottering round the house with him.

I had a couple of very short term boyfriends that started object g to, or at least asking why, I was going out for a run. And I ended it quickly with them because we just weren't compatible.

The thought of feeling guilty for going out exercising, or having to try to justify and explain was a depressing thought. There are loads of people who have similar hobbies to me, I'd rather be with one of them.

I think there are a lot of men out there who think that their hobbies come first. Especially if the mum doesn't have paid work.

But there are also a lot of women who have some romantic notion of "family time". I am never entirely sure what this means and have a vision of sunny days at National Trust properties...meanwhile in the real world, homework and housework needs doing.

I think mums need to put themselves first and having a hobby is good. The kids can manage with watching TV for an hour or two while you go out for a run or do a craft class or whatever your hobby is. I really don't know why so many female runners with kids feel so guilty for having any time to themselves! You don't stop being a person with your own needs because you have a child.

We both used to do lots of cycling, also archery

Please tell me you do this at the same time

I don't understand the women who put up with it. Many of these men sound selfish.

If the partners allow this to happen, they can't then moan about it, i.e golf/football widow etc. My husband loves cycling, he goes out once or twice a week for an hour or so, I go out once or twice a week running. It's a deal we've agreed on, everyone is happy, it's called being in a grown up relationship

YANBU I see this too but I don't stand for it at home.

It's 50:50 or he knows where the door is.

It's a constant source of amazement to me that women put up with this shit and worse, 9 times out if 10 these women knew what these men were like BEFORE they married them.

That's the point where I lose sympathy because marrying these men is a choice, therefore don't go around whinging about it. You reap what you sow and if it's that bad, get out or even the score. You can't make these men be reasonable but you can even the score, so join or start a babysitting circle like the old days and crack on.

We've both always had hobbies, I think some women are controlling and resentful that their partners enjoy something that doesn't invlove them hence the "pass" out mentality. Most of DHs mates have to get a "pass" to leave the house, and if they use it up they can't go out again that week...imagine if it was the other way round? He'd be accused of being abusive/controlling all sorts

That said Dh did take the piss when the kids were little, most saturday mornings out mountain biking 3x snowboarding trips a year, badminton then pub every Friday night. It caused a huge rift as I was stuck at home a lot of the time with tiny children. I had no objections to him doing it but maybe just some compromise like every other week for the hobbies that seemed to take up hours of time and a lot of cash! I also wouldn't entertain a relationship with a football fan where every weekend from August to May centres round the match as if it's some kind of religion. There has to be a compromise.

I think you need to put your foot down, I certainly would. I had an ex partner who just played sport all weekend, soon kicked him into touch. You could be blunt and just say that your other half is not spending all weekend doing such and such or you could just say it politely and say you are struggling or just say you would like more time to do stuff. Most men are selfish, they will let you weight on them hand, foot and finger if given the chance... I say some men not all....

I don't agree with the OP. Anyone can have, find or develop hobbies or interests in their leisure time, regardless of gender. In my relationship I'm the one with hobbies - yoga and music. My DH tends to do things at home like study and TV. The kids both also do quite a few hobbies, and we are constantly working around everyone's activities to make sure everyone can do the things they enjoy. Occasionally I have to miss one of my things because there's a football match (ds) or special Brownies night, but we all compromise at different times.
If my DH wanted to go out playing golf all weekend every weekend for example, it would have been discussed when we first had children and no, I would not have ok'd it. Same as I don't go away on full yoga weekends.

dontdisturbmenow I don’t do any of those things .... I hate shopping and don’t have time for nail appointments or spa days as I work full time and have too much to do at home on my days off.... yet realistically men do seem to get more free time for whatever they want instead of for what needs doing and it is a bit shit really that when a woman wants to take up a new hobby or exercise class it all depends if it fits around everyone and everything else.... which I admit we are partly to blame for but some of us just can’t handle the bloody whingeing we would get otherwise

I more five or sad that sone women don't appear to have hobbies that they keep up through marriage or kids. Or never had one in the first place.
Think About my male and female friends (most no kids) and I don't think most of the females have actual hobbies. They may like seeing friends or watching movies but no actual hobbies. Most men I know have something they like to do beyond that.

I like playing computer games. I would not have settled down with my partner if he had an issue with me doing it when we have free time.

My dad this to my SAHM: went cycling every Saturday and Sunday because 'he needed a break from the work week' when he was really just pursuing his interests and equally avoiding the family.

He spent an absolute fortune on expensive bikes, parts and clothes and also went on very expensive cycling holidays where they went to the best restaurants and hotels. Meanwhile we had no family holidays and my siblings and I wore hand me downs.

I still grimace when I see men cycling on a Sunday morning because of that. For me all of male entitlement and privilege is wrapped up in that one image of a man riding free down an open country road on an expensive bike while the wife stays at home doing chores.

Golf, fishing, darts, dominoes tournaments....I’ve heard of it all!

And when they aren’t doing that, they are either watching the F1 or the football.

We've both always had hobbies, I think some women are controlling and resentful that their partners enjoy something that doesn't invlove them hence the "pass" out mentality
This sadly us also my experience with a number if OH friends' wives. A few have divorced, the others really don't come across as happy together. The happiest couples definitely seem to be the ones where both have activities happy to do them separately and some together.

My husband loves fishing and clay pigeon shooting. I love that he has hobbies - he predominantly works from home so he needs something to get him out of the house. We can afford his hobbies and he is happy for me to have mine. Our kids are pretty much adults and I love my own company so it's great!

Having hobbies is great. Spending time doing your own thing is great. Having interests generally makes you a more interesting person.

Spending hours and hours every week on your hobby and leaving your OH to look after your young children/babies all on their own is not great.

Me and my husband both have lots of hobbies. We both cut back on them SIGNIFICANTLY when our kids were tiny. Cos neither of us are selfish dicks.

I still grimace when I see men cycling on a Sunday morning because of that. For me all of male entitlement and privilege is wrapped up in that one image of a man riding free down an open country road on an expensive bike while the wife stays at home doing chores
You're seriously making assumptions about random people's home lives just because your experience as a child was bad and your dad was selfish?

My DH cycles, so do I, so do many of our friends. It's hilarious to think a stranger would paint him as some sort of entitled man with me shackled to the kitchen sink just because he has been seen riding a bike. 😂

Arseholes do exist, but there's a trend on Mumsnet to assume cycling makes someone a selfish arsehole. It doesn't. These husband's who are selfish arseholes are arseholes independent of their hobbies, just for some reason it seems easier for some women to blame a sport than it is to accept they've chosen to settle down with a selfish man.

My dh cycles on a Sunday morning (muddy mountain biking so no Lycra)
But he also does the supermarket shop on Saturday morning with dc while I go to ParkRun (pre covid) or just generally running or hiking followed by a bacon roll and cuppa in a cafe.

All this talk of hobbies has reminded me of Simon Quinlank (King of all Hobbies!). Anyone remember?

Yes, as PP said, just say cycling or whatever otherwise I will just think of Simon.

Its the total opposite in our house.
I love to read, write, paint, sew and a whole host of other things that really relax me in my down time (usually when the kids are in bed or at school).
I'm always encouraging DH to read or pursue his interests, however boring they are to me (he has an interest in flags of the world, of all things!)
Maybe we are the exception to the rule?! 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

You're seriously making assumptions about random people's home lives just because your experience as a child was bad and your dad was selfish?

@LolaSmiles - Everyone has experiences that taint or inform the way they see the world. That is basically what makes Mumsnet so interesting. Are you saying you never see certain things and make assumptions based on your experience?

Also given what we know, both experience and more studious analysis, about male privilege I think it would be a bit silly to work on the assumption that all men are playing their part and the ones that are not are outliers.

Waferbiscuit
I don't doubt some men don't pull their weight (and on here it would seem most men never pull their weight, which is interesting because shared parental leave, everyone having hobbies/me time, and both careers being important is the norm in my circle, but then there's also the issue that people in happy, equitable relationships are less likely to start threads about them 🤷‍♀️), it just strikes me as unusual to see a random man minding his own business doing something he enjoys and automatically assuming he's some privileged guy who has left his wife at home scrubbing the floors.