Things that irritate you as a lone parent *lighthearted*

[earthtopluto]

"It must be hard being his mum AND dad" - erm, no, I'm just his mum!

Friend texting me saying "I know how you feel now" after her husband went away for two days.

Also, the loneliness (ok, not quite so lighthearted).

Anything else?

Yes the lack of criticism for the rubbish dads and the fact that dads seem to only need to do the bare minimum to be some sort of amazing dad, whereas single mums are just scum whatever they do. There’s a very funny Kathryn Ryan sketch on this.

What is great for me:
No arguing over cleaning
No arguments over money
I get to make all of the decisions
Live in a peaceful home
Extremely close relationship with my son
Demonstrating to my son how to be self sufficient
Watch what I like on the telly
Nobody snoring next to me
No man smell (sweat/farts)
No tantrums over sex
Feeling safe
Decorate how I like
No in-laws
Independence

When people tell me I'm not really a single parent because DD sees her dad EOW for 24 hours and he pays me maintenance, yep all £10 a week of it!

@Sighing000

Might not be a popular one, but I can not stand people assuming her dad is an arsehole.

"I'm a lone parent" is often met with
Wow I detest men who do that to a family/What a prick he must have been/Only a weak man would leave you with a baby.

Maybe he's dead?? Maybe I got a sperm donor?? Piss off.

Yes! My children are donor-conceived and I am often wondering how soon to gratuitously mention that vs the fact that it is tedious and draining having to explain my family this extensively every time I meet a new acquaintance.

Also:

• the ‘practically a single parent’ brigade because their partner works away or works long hours or doesn’t pull their weight.

• the unfounded assumption that my family must help out loads 🤔

• when you just need to pop out for a pint of milk or whatever but you can’t just ‘pop out’, you have to get three people into shoes and coats and faff about having a try on the toilet etc etc.

• when you go to the cafe and need to queue for food (MN thread favourite ) - easier now DC1 is big enough to sit at a table and wait, but OMG. The faff. Trying to stop probably-dyspraxic child from wandering halfway across the cafe while you’re trying to queue, balance a tray, pay, and pray that there’s a free table somewhere once you’ve accomplished this...

• when DC1 has to wait, over and over, while I deal with DC2’s often more immediate and less predictable needs.

• pooing whilst holding Velcro baby 😭 (I realise I could’ve just let them cry for a moment, but that didn’t sit well with me, plus especially those early post stitches toilet trips needed gentle relaxation and not the panic-inducing wail of a baby...)

I had a very good friend when I began my divorce, who supported me 100%.i leaned on her a lot. A couple of years in, still not divorced, it was horribly acrimonious, her husband got a ££££ job which took him away from home a few times a month. Often just a couple of hundred miles away for a couple of nights, but more frequently abroad for a week at a time. She was on a career break so full time sahm by choice.

I had to hear about how hard she found it, juggling the kids, sorting the house, working out which new furniture to buy for their recently renovated house all on her own. I was actually on my own, juggling full time work, kids, finances, second hand furniture for my rented house, on top of dealing with my narc ex who I ended up having to take to court 3 times.

No mention that she didn't have to work, husband was earning big bucks and she was in constant contact with him during the week, never mind that he was home at least every weekend. She's not my friend any more.

@TeachesOfPeaches

What is great for me: No arguing over cleaning No arguments over money I get to make all of the decisions Live in a peaceful home Extremely close relationship with my son Demonstrating to my son how to be self sufficient Watch what I like on the telly Nobody snoring next to me No man smell (sweat/farts) No tantrums over sex Feeling safe Decorate how I like No in-laws Independence

Apart from all the usual - no-one to share the load, no second income, no-one to sound off to/make decisions with, the main thing I find hard is when repairs need doing around the house. I try and fix it myself when I can but many things I can't attempt and have to get the professionals in. Plumbers, electricians etc. As for painting and general diy it's all up to me. The expense, the time. I don't enjoy decorating at all. It bugs me then when I hear people moaning about their partners not doing this sort of thing as quick as they'd like. One colleague I had would regularly ring her partner (who was ripping out her bathroom with her son while she was at work) and have a go that this isn't right, that's not right, go quicker etc. They were doing a wonderful job as far as I could see and I told her so lol. I think that being on my own has made me see that some people take things like this for granted.

Other people telling me what a great dad exH is for the amazing feat of still seeing his children. Piss off.

I get quite alot of 'do they have the same dad?' because there is a 7 year age gap between them. So because I'm alone parent I must obviously sleep around and get pregnant willly nilly with random men.

Yes they do have the same dad. Although none of your business. And when we had them we did not think we would be separating.

I hate the judgement.

Worst part though is not having any emotional support to bounce your ideas or decisions off. Just having to wing it with the decision you think is best with no one to sanity check you, and hope you're doing a good enough job.

Found my people. My favourite is you should’ve known he had another child that I helped look after when I was with him and he financially supported why would I think that after living and working together for 4 years he’d cheat on me leAve me hide All assets and never See his son how the hell was I supposed to see that coming

Absolutely love being a single parent, only one thing I find annoying. It's when people try to convince me I shouldn't (what about being old and alone, etc, etc). Have no wish to go down that road again ever but people seem to want to convince you you're missing out on something.

People thinking that everything I do for my kids is just basic (RP, breadwinner, no maintenance), whereas their dad sees them regularly so he is a hero.

People married to men who financially support them moaning about their difficult lives because their "dream house" fell through, or covid has put a kibosh on their "holiday of a lifetime".

Work thinking I am slacking off because I can only work to my contracted hours. I need notice and it costs me £££££££ to do a breakfast meeting. I will fucking do it, you fuckers, even though it is probably a total waste of my time and money, but you need to give me time to sort it out.

Changing my hours at the drop of a hat because of a pathetic senior management mantrum, and being puzzled that it presents a problem to me. Commercial afterschool childcare ends at 6pm, what do you mean "can you ask a favour of someone?" Every day? When I am NEVER able to reciprocate because I am always at work? Tell you what, how about I just do my fucking work to a bloody excellent standard, as I do, and you stop worrying about when, and deal with the mantrum with some warm milk and bananas because that's basically the level that this non-issue is at.

People not knowing what I deal with every fucking day and thinking their bullshit is an actual problem.

Sharing the responsibility is the big one isn't it. The money, the decisions, the choices are all down to us. It makes you think, how much we all just get on with day to day, but it's really hard work. We're all strong for managing this alone.

I've two different father's for my two, but I've never been asked if they have the same father. Maybe because they're close enough in age (3years between them) Both father's are a bit crap in their own ways though, no support or contact from either. Dad No 1 is is kind but a bit feckless, No 2 is an abusive manipulative arse who told me a few weeks ago how he's always paid maintenance even though he's only started in the last two years (teen DC) and owes me/the CMS £4K.
Twat

I hate people who think being single means you're losing out somehow, like you're only single because there's something wrong with you, no one wants you, you're a failure because you're alone. Like no, I just don't want a crappy partner. I did try a relationship but blending families was a nightmare to navigate, I'll just stay happy on my tod until these two move out. At least no one is letting me down when I'm alone.

My DD is an adult now, but when she was younger the main thing that irritated me was I was either "dumping her on someone else" and I should "stay at home looking after her yourself", when I was using a childminder because I was working. Or when I was unemployed for a brief time..." get yourself a job and stop expecting the tax payer to pay for your child". Honestly felt I couldn't win, whatever I did.

what I love about it, on the other hand:

• not being with awful ex
• cosy nights in with my dcs all happy with no one to fuck it up by ordering us all around and controlling everything
• being single to meet my new lovely dp, and being able to see him without kids around. I am sorry to those of you who never get a break, that is really fucking tough.

Knowing that I am doing it all, and I can do it all.

Always doing the driving. My son does lots of activities and I have to drive all the time, no-one to drive to the shops. I'm like a pig in shit when someone else drives for me, I feel like a queen.

Ex fucking cockwomble basically fecked off when DS was 2 and he is now 10. I work full-time in healthcare, used to do shifts and weekends (amazing mother who looks after DS) but now Mon-Friday. Never get any time really. Had a friend that had only been working full-time for about 4 months saying how hard she had it because she feels like she never gets anytime to herself.....her kids go to their dads every weekend and one night during the week!! I just 'went yeah it is difficult' while silently seething.

People asking me why I'm single and why don't I get out dating...erm, I never have any time, I'm shattered from caring for people all the time and never having anyone regularly do anything for me. I have no energy to try and pursue anyone or inflate their ridiculous male ego and I'm either at work or with my DS.

I'm feeling very bitter today

I have no interest in dating either. Any free time I have is spent reading, having a soak in the bath or watching a film (my favourites being Legally Blonde and Bridesmaids). I'd hate to have to spend that time on a date pretending I'm not tired, worn out etc. Free time is my time to recharge. Nothing's so bad that a bit of relaxation, a box of chocolates and a glass of wine can't sort 😊 We're doing an amazing job ladies 👏

There’s a very funny Kathryn Ryan sketch on this. I'd love a link to that please?

but people seem to want to convince you you're missing out on something

Yes!

Like the pp who said about people in shit relationships thinking they're better/better off than you!

No thanks!

@SenselessUbiquity yes - frequent daft comments to single parents with precious little "support network" suggestions like "Tesco are recruiting" yes and they're open 24/7 and expect employees to be available for eve and weekends which a single parent simply can't be "ask a friend/relative" do they REALLY think if that were a realistic option we wouldn't have already thought of it?! "Get a nanny" cos it's that easy! Not to mention the cost! And I've been a nanny many don't expect and aren't prepared to be 24/7 workers no matter what the pay.

Not a LP anymore but yy to the stigma- why do I need to explain if someone else is collecting DC in the odd occasion this occurs whereas the 2.4 families share the load ad hoc?!

People telling me DC look like their dad- why would you think I’d want to hear that?!

And yy to ExH getting some sort of fucking medal for the bare minimum shit.

yes to all the above. but yes the loneliness night after night on your own is a total killer and doesn't really get easier. and all the "oh but single parents get free/reduced childcare" no not always guess what being a single mum doesn't necessarily mean that you are automatically on benefits and have everything paid for.

"oh but you have a break/time off" again no as most exes are not interested once they have new kids. and even if i did i didn't have kids to be forced to be without them at the weekends and not see them every day

oh i know so and so who met a lovely guy, yeah doesn't happen in real life online dating is horrific and can't go out due to no childcare and too tired anyway

oh u must have a big family to help. no nothing no one not one single relative who gives a shit

basically it is shit and only other single mums get it

Warning, unpolular opinion:

People who insist that lone father's have it worse or just as bad. No, they absolutely do not. They're not stigmatised, on the contrary, they're objects of admiration. Their work & life chances aren't adversely affected & they're far less likely to be in poverty. I'm not saying they have it easy but they certainly have it easier that lone mums.

I'm no longer a lone parent but I remember from those days...

Ex giving me £5 a week and then when he forgot, would say 'yeah but it's only a fiver anyway so you won't miss it'

Ex referring to himself as a 'single Parent' on Facebook despite him not actually having the child. When challenged? Yes well i'm single, and I'm a parent.

Above all, being tied to that loser for the rest of my life, and having to both protect dd from his negative effects but also be the gatekeeper of all (if any) of the positive things he could give her. He has no family stability and at times I feel like I'm his parent too. I can't give him free rein to potentially mess her up so I end up being the disciplinarian to him to keep him in line and stopping his shitty life affecting my kid.
I dread to think that when she's an adult, she will be lumbered the role of parenting her father.
It's far worse when he's in a relationship though so I must be grateful for small mercies. Dd is now nearly 17 so not long left til my responsibility to him ends.

to you all and our lovely dc

@GarlicMonkey totally agree - as would my brother and several friends of mine who WERE/ARE single fathers with resident care!

His employers and many others bent over backwards to help him in a way they didn't and still don't help single mums. He wouldn't say it was "easy" but he would agree it's "easier" for dads in a number of ways;

Less stigma
They tend to earn more which helps a lot
People are more sympathetic/supportive

In his case there was no ex as what happened was his eldests mum died in a car accident after they split.

If anything he realises he'd not done as much as he could have when he was the nrp and hadn't really appreciated how much his ex did as the rp.

The others the exes have behaved just as badly as Male nrps, and while I wouldn't necessarily defend them as such they have been far more vilified and openly criticised than men are in the same position.

@thenewaveragebear1983 you've reminded me of another irritant- having to deal with the fallout of the Disney dad crap!

Tired and irritable child cos they were allowed to stay up way too late

Child with upset stomach cos they were fed crap for an entire weekend!

Child distressed and disappointed as Disney dad has yet again over promised and under delivered and let them down

I'm sure there are more of these

YES to all of these!!
The loneliness is unbearable at times.
I've 3 older (grown up kids) that i ended up bringing up myself & went on to have 2 more which I've also ended up having to bring up alone
It's soul destroying that people think they have it as bad as you cos their DH work longish hours, no you really don't have a clue!
For me i miss that closeness, someone to cuddle up to & watch tv with, talk through the day with, to take some of that weight off your shoulders & share the load.

My youngest (just 11) keeps telling me she doesn't want to be my baby anymore & can i have another with my BF (who i only see once in a blue moon due to covid), I love all my children but i'd rather stick pins in my eye's..